the sheep

unreality cw

[sacredshepherd]

Half a Person - 2011 Remaster

This is an original character account, though it is being used specifically for the @kintsugi-timeline. The Shepherd, or Annas, is the main character on this blog.

Linked Accounts.

@scared-sheep - The Sheep, or Agnes

@sacred-guard - The LGD, or Orpah

@sequence-wav - The Angel, or Sachiel

[ssweet-ascake]

Hello to the both of you! I suppose I've only talked to Wren, but how are you both doing today? Apologies for my extended absences, life has been quite hectic as of late.

ssosry sho srr you?

i just eoke uo

.. k fell ssleeo really early yesterday

[sacredshepherd]

Ah! Cake, am I correct? It's nice to meet you, bud. I'm Annas, I've spoken to your sibling once or twice now.

Take some time to wake up, don't worry. I don't mind waiti

Okay, give me one moment, sweetheart.

[sacredshepherd]

²³ 10

- ∞

[ This ask is directed toward the moderator, however I will not protest to an in-character ask. ]

How interesting! -Ruth

[averyposting]

Hello, dear! Goodness me, it's been quite a while since we spoke, no? I do apologize for that. How are you doing today?

sup Shep!! nice to see you again :D

ehhh i wouldnt say much happened aside from me getting kidnapped

im cuddling Derek rn :)

- Avery 🌼

[sacredshepherd]

yvh hpeumx. rsux otww erngui wpxl mr izpw xdou.

I'm happy to hear you're doing better! How has Derek been?

Also, you can call me Annas, sweetheart. I don't mind.

[itwasakanonevent]

Hi, sweetie.

I've been a bit busy recently, I'm really sorry for not checking in sooner. Is there anything I can do for you? Check in on anyone? Send someone to check in on you?

the man who shot me shot my partner in the head and heart, mocked me, and sent me the video.

[sacredshepherd]

…excuse me?

Is- oh my. Alright, I'll… I can't do much, but I can come over sometime. Would that help?

[itwasakanonevent]

…

[sacredshepherd]

…stay safe, honey. You know how to reach me.

[itwasakanonevent]

Hi, sweetie.

I've been a bit busy recently, I'm really sorry for not checking in sooner. Is there anything I can do for you? Check in on anyone? Send someone to check in on you?

the man who shot me shot my partner in the head and heart, mocked me, and sent me the video.

[sacredshepherd]

…excuse me?

Is- oh my. Alright, I'll… I can't do much, but I can come over sometime. Would that help?

[sacredshepherd]

hey Annas

siO6dkqidc4

Truly a lovely song. I am.. a bit concerned by some of the lyrics, though.

[sacredshepherd]

A distant memory called Dream Sweet in Sea Major. Remember? Y | N

[sacredshepherd]

...For merely dreaming we were snow.

The bathroom was decently clean. It was obvious it was used frequently, with water splashed atop the counter and some paper towels crumpled next to the trashcan.

Annas stood at the far end of it. He was dressed in something nice. Something human. She wore some jeans and a simple shirt with a sheep on it, shepherd's crook replaced by a brown, wonderful cane. He was shrunk down to a more acceptable size, being around 6'4. She looked tired, but they looked happy.

Kalei walked into the restroom slowly. They were using crutches, gifted from Mel, and their prosthetic leg. The wheelchair was too much work to get out of the car for something like this. Every step hurt a little too much from their legs getting sore after hours of being on the road, but that didn't matter. They got to move about now.

The enby was dressed in a white t-shirt and grey sweats. The clothes hung off their frame a touch too loosely. It was clear that Kalei was much sicker than when Annas had last met them face to face.

And yet, Kalei offered Annas a smile. "Sorry I'm not dressed up," they said. "We've been driving for hours."

"Oh, honey…" He sighed, walking over with quick strides and pulling them into a tight, warm hug. "Never apologize for something like that, please. You're doing more than enough just being here."

He rocked the both of them side to side, bent down to hold them properly.

Surprised, Kalei's arms wrapped around Annas as well. They expected it to feel more awkward than it did, but it was… shockingly comfortable. The warmth settled in their chilled bones, and they hadn't admitted most of what they said to anyone, but Annas heard it, and wasn't upset? Or lashing out? She wasn't demanding that Kalei not speak that way? He wasn't so caught up in denial that it was safer to just bottle things up altogether?

Crying. Why was Kalei starting to cry. Was it that they finally admitted they were dying, and someone didn't argue? (Mel didn't argue, but Mel… well, they were in the same boat). Was it that they could admit how much they truly wanted to do but never could? Or was it just that the gentle swaying motion of Annas reminded Kalei of how it felt to be in a hug with someone they hadn't seen in person for half a month?

They wanted to bury their face in his shirt to conceal their tears, but Kalei held back. No point staining the fabric. "…I'm so scared," they repeated.

"I know, Kalei. You've been so brave." He hummed, bringing a hand up to the back of their head. A gentle offer. A kind one. One where they can hide themself from the world, even if just for a moment.

Maybe that moment was all that they'd need. Maybe, just maybe, everything would be okay in this bathroom.

Kalei took the offer gladly, letting themself collapse deeper into the shepherd. They could almost pretend that this was a reunion with a normal friend in an unorthodox place. Hah. If only. "They keep killing her, Annas," Kalei said. "She comes back, but she's still dying. And- and- I made people so upset by leaving. I didn't want to leave, I have no choice. I owe Kat and Fia everything. How could I tell them I wanted to stay?"

She held them up with ease, allowing them to rest their full weight in her arms.

"You're allowed to go back, Kalei. Consider this.. hm. I'm not sure what you could consider this as, but I'm sure you will find her. And you can all return, and I will help you. I can introduce you to my beloved, and you can introduce me to yours. Properly. You will do wonderful things with the time you have, and I know this because I know you. You are a strong, capable, kind person who does not deserve this kind of torture. You deserve to live in happiness. But… I cannot give that to you, I am not a god. I am a simple Shepherd. So I will do other things to help you, like this."

“This does help.”

Kalei dreaded when they’d have to leave. Annas was safe, and warm, and… even if their dynamic seemed so one sided, Kalei was inexplicably comforted by it. The supernatural made more sense than the mortal.

…a thought came to their mind. “Annas? When I die, can you… um. You said it’s not your job to walk people to the afterlife, but can you walk with me however far you’re allowed? I don’t want to be alone.”

"…Of course. Dismas is quite busy, I know they would not mind one person they don't have to help. I'll walk you to your bed, dear."

She pulled back, holding onto their face with warm, worn hands. "Oh, look at you… it's incredible how far you've come, Kalei."

Really? Kalei’s been so unsure if they’ve been getting better or just becoming worse. “…I hope I did good. I never had this drive to help others in the same capacity before. I used to just want to find a cure, but now…” They leaned into Annas’s hands. “If Kat and Fia and Wren and Cake and my other friends remember me fondly, that somehow feels like enough.”

"Don't tell anyone, but you will always remain one of my favourite little lambs." She joked, tilting her head. "You will be remembered incredibly, Kalei. You have no idea how good of an impact you have had on people. I am so proud."

That shouldn’t be enough. In some ways, it wasn’t enough, but-

“Thank you. I can be proud of that too. Even… I hate that play. But I can’t imagine not meeting my friends. Maybe it’s okay that I’m dying. Maybe I can do good with it.”

Surely a train of thought that would die with this moment of peace, but for now Kalei wasn’t so scared or conflicted. Precious few seconds of serenity.

He nodded, sighing gently. "You can do incredible things with or without this time limit. You already have, and you will continue to."

He ruffled their hair with a fond smile.

They giggled without meaning to, hiccuping slightly. “Sorry. Thank you, Annas. I… wish I could help you in return for how you’ve helped me.”

"You never need to do such a thing for me. Just being here helps me immensely, knowing you are still doing your very best to live. To thrive."

“Oh. Can I make an altar for you? I know you are no god, but… it’s more for respect than true worship. I have one for those who… have assisted me. Greatly.”

She paused, looking away.

"You can make a charm for me, or a bracelet. How about that? Something you can carry with you. Something to… remember me by, I suppose."

…Kalei hoped they hadn’t said something wrong. “Ah, alright. I made an altar for XIV and Whimsy, I plan to make one for Kat, and a bracelet or necklace for you. That should do just fine. Any material preferences or recommendations?”

"Include a sheep charm for me, how about that. I do not mind any materials, you may do as you wish with it."

“Alright. Sorry if i overstepped, Annas.”

"You have done no such thing, sweetheart. I just… the last person who made me an altar, I… she is not with me any longer. This is not your fault."

Oh. Ouch. “No altar, then. Just a charm.”

He nods, seeming relieved. "Thank you."

A small pause, before she let them go. "Now, go on to Kat. I'm sure she's waiting for you."

Kalei nodded. “Thank you, Annas. You… are incredibly kind. I appreciate it.”

That is all you remember.

[sacredshepherd]

Alone, at the edge of a universe humming a tune...

Kalei sat in the passenger seat, lamp plush cradled in their lap. Watching Ness Anne fade away should’ve been therapeutic.

It was like ripping off their skin.

They brushed their fingers over the lamb plush again and again, closing their eyes. They wished they had someone to talk to.

The gentle sound of a bleating lamb, indistinguishable from the noises of the van the usual sound before Annas's arrival.

In came the Shepherd. Though, he wasn't anywhere physical that Kalei could see. She had snuck into their mind, simply sitting there with a lamb in her lap.

"Hi, sweetheart. You called?"

Oh. Kalei blinked, looking around to find nothing other than the van and Kat. Right.

“…hi, Annas,” Kalei thought? Spoke? Hard to say. Kat didn’t react to whatever it was.

"What's troubling you? I heard… a lot has happened since I last saw you, if you'd like to talk you should know I am always here for you."

“…a lot, Annas. I don’t want to bother you. But it’s…”

Kalei needed to talk. Or they’d break down in the van.

“Are you sure?”

She gave a nod and a hum, and the feeling of their hair being ruffled by a gentle, loving hand was there.

"Of course. I will always listen to you."

The words came tumbling out. It was more Kalei thinking aloud than speaking- they’d never be able to say this with the pressure of having to physically move.

…

“I can’t commit suicide because I saw the consequences, but what the fuck do i have to live for? My partners. My partners who will outlive me, and I burden so much. Wren? Wren would cut me out of his life effortlessly at the slightest inconvenience. Cake? I make him upset by mistake so much.

I’m dying. I’m dying and I’m in pain and I can’t complain, ever, because nobody wants me dead. I’m scared to die like this. I’m scared of watching my own body become unrecognizable. This was never meant to happen to me this young. I don’t want to die like this. I’m scared.

I want the pain to stop. Only death can do that. But I’m not allowed to die, am I? But nobody can save me. I spend all my time reassuring people but there’s not a single goddamn thing anyone can say to actually help me. The only thing people can do is talk me to sleep. And sometimes, I’m out of my mind.

It’s not fair. I want to knit with Fia. I want to watch anime with Kat. I want to shit talk with Wren. I want to push Cake in your wheelchair so fast the wind tosses his hair. I want to drink with Canni. I want to see Aurelia graduate college. I want to have another double date with Avery and Derek. I want all of these things I can never get.

And I can’t say it. Because it makes other people sad, and if they get too sad, they’ll leave. The only thing worse than dying is dying alone.”

She listened in silence, and didn't say anything when they finished. The feeling of arms enveloping their body was present, though, as if she was giving them a hug. It was warm, it was comforting.

There wasn't much to say, honestly.

Kalei wished it could be more real. They wished it fixed anything.

"I'm scared, Annas."

"I know, honey. I'm sorry. If you need to talk more, I'll be here, alright?"

A pause.

"The bathroom at the next rest stop you go to, I will be in there. I will be dressed… normally. Nobody else will be in there."

"I'll meet you there."

Why, exactly, Kalei wasn't entirely confident. However… seeing someone familiar would be nice. They were so glad to be with Kat, yes, but they left everyone else behind.

"…I love you, Kalei. Do take care, alright? I am.. a bit busy at the moment, so I will not talk as much. You know how to reach me."

"…alright, sorry."

"Don't apologize. Never apologize. You've done no wrong."

. . .

Continue? Y | N

[sacredshepherd]

you help ??

yes! okay

friend is malachy

it has many bad things all at once :(

i watch blog to make sure nothing bad

maybe even something good sometimes

i. miss friend. much

i will wait for them

-🐑

Ah, Malachy… That little lamb. I will keep a closer eye on them, if that helps. I have been busy, apologies.

[sacredshepherd]

hi friend

i. fall asleep too often

you know sheep?

how do i prevent sheep (me) from falling asleep?

as supposed to watch friend and fell sleep :(

-🐑

Apologies, little lamb. I've been thinking on how to reply to this.

And yet I find that I do not know. I truly am sorry, dear. I can aid you in watching over your friend if that helps.

[sacredshepherd]

i love grass ! tastes ood and also green

it is nice tto met you hello hi

missing friend today so say hello make nw one

my friend hans been asleep for a longg time

waiting for it to wake up :(

bites yoiu?

-🐑

Nice to meet you too, little lamb. I do hope your friend wakes up soon.

And yes, you are allowed to bite me, haha.

[sacredshepherd]

oh hi

do u like grasses?

-🐑

Hello!

I don't mind grass, as I do have to walk through it quite frequently. And you? Do you like grass?

[sacredshepherd]

Hello, darling. Are you feeling well? Your illness worried me for a moment's time.

Sincerely and dearly,

-☎️⏳

I'll be alright. I feel.. guilty, though. Could my slacking off though it is hard to move be the reason she is gone? Lord, the least I can do is visit her.

[itwasakanonevent]

Sweetheart, do you need me to come over?

iii. Kat with me. not right now.

…canyou help her? even just to visit imean. itsthe only way i survived, notbeing alone. ifyoucant i wontbe mad. yourenice. trustyou.

…illhold thelamb plushlater imsorrrrry

[sacredshepherd]

I can do my best to, don't worry.

Don't worry about the plush, Kalei. I can visit without it, I just figured I'd give you something to remember me by.

[sacredshepherd]

A video file titled "The world at large"

The distant bleating of lambs and sheep alike, the silent singing of wind chimes. The life slowly fading from the outside, sun peeking over the clouds, observing her lovely world.

Annas observed the injured body in front of him, directly in front of her porch. The grass was stained in blood, and the figure was barely breathing. A sigh of disappointment was the only noise that'd escaped her throat as he shrugged his shawl off, bending down to scoop them up.

Not disappointment at them, of course not. Never. At him. But he couldn't exactly do anything, so she'd lay the unconscious figure atop a freshly cleaned blanket and a warm couch, placing a gentle, thin one atop of them as well. It could get cold without ones wool.

That was.. give or take, half an hour ago. They think. Now she ate a granola bar, leaned back in a wooden, cushioned rocking chair. Waiting for them to wake up.

Kalei woke, blinking their eyes sluggishly. Their head hurt terribly, a pulsing force that gripped their skull and pulled their muscles. Their leg was sore as well, heavy and uncomfortably warm. But the rest of them felt fine. Perhaps even good. A soft, floral scent surrounded them, and Kalei's fingers dug into whatever was laying heavily above them. It was a blanket? A blanket. Thin, but soft and smooth, giving them just enough pressure to feel- well- real.

It was warm under there. Kalei could've burrowed deeper into the feeling, let it consume them, but wait- they weren't supposed to be on a warm couch. They were on the grass, weren't they? They forced their eyes open to see a field.

A field? That wasn't- no. Farm animals of some sort (lambs and sheep, Kalei, come on now) chewed on the grass. The sun wasn't as bright as it was in Kalei's memory (turning their head to the left, despite better judgment saying to run-), and neither Ray nor anyone else they recognized was immediately within sight.

Slowly, Kalei forced themself up to their elbows, looking around. With a heavy head, they ended up finding- "Annas?" Kalei weakly called. "I'm not dying this time either, right?"

The slightest huff of amusement was given as he stood, walking over to them and crouching down. "Hi, sweetheart." Her voice was calm and kind as he sat down next to them, staring at the sunset with an ever-present smile. This one seemed a bit strained, but when was it not, honestly?

"If you were dying, you'd be seeing two very different people right now." He stated and stayed, turning her head to look over. "How're you feeling?"

The question was kind. But it was odd. She knew how they felt, he saw their sheep laid in the field, surrounded by the others as they bled. As they died. So he carried their somewhere nicer, somewhere quieter.

Right. Annas had said that last time as well. They forced themself to swallow, gathering enough strength to speak again. "…sore," Kalei said. "But it's warm here."

Where was here? Did they want to ask? Maybe not. That sounded like a lot of thinking to do with a headache this terrible. "Are you okay?" they drawled. Annas seemed a little bit tense, or perhaps that could just be their own unsteady brain influencing what they saw.

"As well as I can be with my blessing, sweetheart. I was simply…" She seemed to struggle with getting the words out, as if forcing a person through prison bars.

As if forcing a sheep into a position they don't want to be in. He repeated the first part, being 'wo', multiple times, as if stuttering.

But it wasn't stuttering. God, she wished it was.

"..wwworried. WORRIED." A triumphant tone took hold of his voice before she returned to speaking calmly. "About you."

Did Annas have a stutter? They hadn't noticed at all before, but they knew stutters sometimes presented more obviously during times of stress. Kalei hummed quietly. "I… I don't know if I'm okay. I think I will be. I hope so."

As okay as they could be with howeveer much damage was done to their head and leg. God, Kalei hoped Emery made it out okay… tears prickled their eyes at the reminder. Emery. He could be stuck with that bastard- that lethal bastard, apparently.

They turned their face into the couch and pressed into it, focusing on the blanket and cushion more than their own fear.

She scooted over in the slightest, gently running a hand through their hair. Scratching the scalp, fingers gently tangling before being removed as if nothing had happened. "Oh, my poor Kalei… they've put you through so much. It is quite cruel to you. I might just talk to it about this."

She'd get in trouble for that. Everyone knows this, even if they didn't realize it at first.

The hand in their hair felt nice. Kalei's shoulders loosened at the contact, however fleeting. They turned enough to ask, "…it? What?"

Annas was such a kind soul. A hard to understand kind soul, but a kind soul all the same. Even despite hardly knowing her, Kalei found it hard not to trust him. Not when she comforted Kalei so sweetly, held them so gently.

"Don't worry about it, honey. I'm just talking to myself." She met their gaze with a patient smile, and it seemed much more real. He was calmer. Happier. Their lamb was here, was ok. Everything would be alright. Hopefully.

Hmm. Normally, Kalei would push, but-

"Alright…"

They didn't feel up to it. Kalei pulled the blanket up to their chin but tried to prop themselves in more of a sitting position. A groan slipped from their lips as the pressure in their head increased, but that didn't matter. Annas deserved a proper conversation, didn't she?

"Hhh…" Kalei slurred. "Hi. Sorry, I'm a bit… out of it. Thank you ff-ffor being here."

"Hello, Kaleidoscope." He said the name so kindly, as if it wasn't a cursed being and was instead someone worthy of love. Someone worthy of everything. Because they were. If not to others, to her.

Annas stood, sitting down next to them on the couch. The rocking chair wasn't there anymore, but she didn't pay any mind to that. "You're allowed to rest. I'll always be here, you know this."

"C-can you call me Kalei?" Without even meaning to, they started to lean towards Annas. Something about them… they hated to be alone again. Feeling cold, especially feeling cold and wet, it made them feel sick. But warmth? Connection? Pressure? That was how they stayed grounded in reality.

Er. In the present moment. This wasn't real, was it? Not really real, anyway. It just… was. "Sorry I've never… called before. Been busy."

"Of course I can. You just have to ask, Kalei." She seemed happier. He was happier. He leaned his head against theirs, seeming to shrink to be more appropriately-sized in seconds. What was once a scarily tall being was now more… human. More inviting. Softer, kinder.

A perk of changing your appearance at will, he supposed.

"Aaah, don't worry about that. I have been too, of course."

The odd size of the shepherd hadn't even occurred to Kalei until it was remedied. Oh, well. What an odd thing, but… hm. They shivered, pulling the blanket tighter around their shoulders, and allowing themself to fully lean against the shepherd.

Kalei took a deep breath in and out. "I hope I get to see Fia and Kat again," they said.

A hum, as if considering their next words. "…I hope so too, little lamb."

Not many words were needed, honestly. She watched the sunset, eyes tired from days of walking. There was not much rest for the Shepherd, but every once in a while, he would let himself. Mostly with Rotary, but nobody needed to know that.

They were physically tired, but mentally grasping desperately at this odd awareness. Chasing dreams was something Kalei was used to. Dream gods, dream worlds… dreamed futures.

At least Annas was steady to lean against, calm. The rise and fall of her chest forced Kalei’s own breathing into a steady pace.

It was hard to say how long they sat. Maybe it was only a minute. Maybe it was much longer. But- “Why do you help?” Kalei asked. “Is it kind- kind- kindness?”

"It's because I love. I love so much it hurts, so I put it into helping others. I put it into my work, into my herding. I memorize everyone's names. I remember yours, those you love, those you hate." A pause.

"That," a small giggle. "And because it is my job to help."

Oh. Kalei wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. “Does it make you happy?” They asked.

A shrug. A shrug and a contemplative hum. "I'm not too sure, honestly. I never put much thought into that aspect, but I suppose it does."

Not putting thought into if your job made you happy was crippling realistic for a shepherd who tended the sheep of life, Kalei thought. It also made them hope this, right here, was making Annas happy.

Their eyelids felt heavy.

"You can sleep if you need to, sweetheart. I'll most likely be here when you wake up. And if I'm not, you know how to get to me."

She began to thread fingers through their hair once more, quietly humming their usual tune.

Unable to resist the temptation of sleep, Kalei's eyelids drifted shut. They sighed softly at the fingers twisting in their hair, and felt the world slip away from them.

"Goodnight, Kalei."