Thought I should give y'all a update
I broke up with my bf after 4 yrs together
I went off my antidepressants and had to try new ones I warned him that I would be me at all.
He didn't support me at all I wanted love and kindness he wouldn't give it to me I wasn't perfect eather but sometimes I just needed him to say it's ok
Mum wouldn't let me break up with him till I was better cause if she let me do it when I wanted to I would just go back to him
My 20th birthday was horrible he played fn and I had OCD (the pills at the time made me have it) and was stressing out and wanted to clean and vacuum the walls. He wouldn't help or tell me it's ok. He also gave me nits the week before
I tried to open up to our best friend and I sead "i don't feel like he loves me" the friend them told me "he loves u in his on special way"
I relapsed after that I hurt myself every time I told myself he didn't love me
He was horrible I would get him stuff that he liked or wanted and he would yell at me for buying it or hurt me (not all the time) he sead horrible things and make me feel disgusting I'm my body and myself
Then this year in January I realized I was better and that it's ok to feel how I feel
I had to go to a psychiatrist and I was shit scared I woke up shaking in the fetal position and got out of bed (he was sleeping peacefully next to me) i kept saying I'm so nervous for tomorrow. Tomorrow came I messaged my bf good luck on his test. He never wished me luck I got diagnosed with cptsd from my father and the man that groomed me. They asked me one question do u trust ur bf? I paused and sead idk
I was pretty fucked up after as u could imagine I have everyone they knew I was going messaging me asking how I'm doing he never asked until I broke down the next day and he told me he thought it was today not yesterday (i believed him can u believe that)
After a lot of bullshit I got my choices back Valentine's Day (I told him I didn't want anything for our anniversary or Valentine's Day he got me a thing shake that was regular how he likes it and not extra thick sounds silly but it hurts cause we were talking about it the day before)
I gave him a week I didn't talk about my cosplays or my friends or anything he didn't ask about (cause I realized he never asked cause I would tell him) that week he only asked how school was and if I wanted to play fn never about me (he thought it was the pills)
Then that amazing Saturday I broke up with him it hurt and I cried but for weeks I was insane enough to think he would change we were still friends we would talk and play fn together
I was sick and had no voice and he and his brother came round and told me "he's not sad he doesn't care, it doesn't effect him at all " I then realized every cruel thing he sead to me everytime I was excited and he made me feel like shit and everything else I realized he wasn't a friend and there is no me and him anymore (I did tell him that)
It's now July I'm sick and have been for a while my friends have messaged me but he hasn't at all I know where we stand (yes he knows I'm sick we play Pathfinder in a group and I had to cancel the game cause I'm sick) since April I've been happy I can look at my body with love (it's hard sometimes) I'm trying to do better and find who I am
I look back at these posts and can imagine how I felt or where my head was I kept telling myself it's ok focus on the catnap and dogday cosplays they will be amazing (and yes they are) somehow I got through it
I'm going off antidepressants again so who knows how I will feel but I'm keeping this blog in case I need to rant to someone please remember to always keep fighting
I'm sorry for the rant I just logged back in and realized it's been over a year and y'all deserve a update