Anxiety is living under a flinch, mouth full of holes, a tremble point
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it is what if it all goes wrong and it is yes but it didnât and it is no it did and here are the ways that you failed and didnât even notice. itâs âyou got an Aâ and feeling nothing, it is âyou got a B+â and feeling your insides try and rip themselves out of your body. it is breath in short pants, human turned wild animal, get me out of here. it is brain a blank buzzing, it is sobbing on the train station, it is can you order for me. it is you need sleep because tomorrowâs a big day, it is you canât sleep because tomorrow is a big day. it is donât open your mouth. it is youâre an absolute waste of space why donât you just try and make friends for once. it is you donât deserve her. it is heâs right, you know. it is having three hours to do something important and instead staring blankly at a wall for two hours and fifty minutes. it is donât go to the party, it is why didnât you just go to the party. it is walk faster, it is sweaty palms and checking under the bed and keeping the lights on. it is you deserve this. it is a held breath, a morning hangover, it is go do this and it is too scared of failure to start anything. it is turn the page, it is donât look, it is youâll have nightmares about this later. it is answer the question, it is donât raise your hand, it is teacherâs pet, it is breakdown lane in the middle of any building. it is hereâs how to make it look like you havenât just been hit by a truck. it is just drink, just curl your hands into fists until the fingernails bite in, it is forgetting the art of having lungs. it is can you not do that here. it is forgetting to walk back into your own body. it is removing yourself from anything, everything, it is watching other people who involve themselves and feeling lonely. it is youâre not hungry, it is smile prettier, it is that joke fell flat, it is everyone experiences this stop being a drama queen, it is suck in your stomach, it is control, it is hold on, it is so tight it will strangle the life out of you slowly so you can have the time to worry about all the things you should have done. it is should have. it is could have. it is why didnât i why didnât i, it is why did i do that, it is i am excited about this i think but i feel like vomiting, it is future too heavy, itâs what if, what if you donât care, what if iâm not good enough, what if the building burns down, what if i lose her tomorrow, what if he doesnât make it back safe, what if iâm the reason nobody loves me, what if iâm going to die alone one day, what if iâm useless, what if nobody cares, what if nobody reads this
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it is that all went wrong, didnât it?
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