During the first semester of my first year in law school, I was so overwhelmed by the amount of information I had to learn. By learning, I mean really understanding by heart, memorising, recalling rules, case names, and eventually applying them to complicated, confusing problems.
For that particular semester, the entire class of 4 sections struggled (understatement) mostly with Persons and Family Relations. This particular class, especially when handled by the Assistant Dean has had a reputation of being /THE/ ultimate deal breaker. Passing this subject in one take practically screams you are the exception. The general rule? To fail it. The struggle was so real that when then results of our first exam was posted, it turned immediately viral on social media. Reason: 0/200 something passed. This professor (who also happens to be my sorority elder sister) was criticised, by online trolls who did not know her, as “probably a bad teacher”. In reality however, she is one of the University’s best. We were constantly amazed by her in class. I only remembered her bringing notes probably at least five times or less. She knows the law at a snap of her fingers and discusses Jurisprudence as if casually giving you a rundown of what her day had been like. I swear I was conscious for the several times my jaw would drop when she discusses in class so I would purposefully stop it and keep the amazement to myself. I would often hear myself say “Wow, how does she memorise all these”, you name it, from codal provisions, case titles, literal words of the court, and just really every line of the transcript we were using for her class. She has been teaching the subject for about 25 years too, so I guess that was a factor.
She is one of the very few educators I’ve had in my academic lifetime who is so powerfully gripping. She holds tight of your attention and interest and she doesn’t let it go until she leaves the classroom. She was also kind of scary. Of course we were scared of her. How could you ever be good for someone like that. You, an ignorant first year law student just won’t. Ever.
The most dreaded situations I’ve had so far in law school (apart from top secret) are the three times I was called in her class for recitations. I mean, (here comes humble-bragging 😬) I was a three-time winner at an All-State Forensic speaking competition in the US, I’ve won several extemporaneous speaking contests, took Public Speaking classes practically since elementary, won best speaker titles in debate during college, gave speeches on countless professional engagements, yet NONE, I mean NONE of those saved me from my first ever recitation in her class. I was mortified, I was trembling, my heart just couldn’t take the amount of humiliation I had put myself in because for the life of me, I couldn’t answer her with the slightest bit of correctness. I did so bad that I wanted to cry right then and there while I was still standing, shaking, heart pumping out of my chest, stuttering words for my life. She ended up slamming a book out of disgust while yelling at me to “STOP FISHING FOR ANSWERS! SIT! DOWN!” I wanted to cry but then I remembered almost everyone of us in class fucked up their recitation so I had to let it go. I was not that special. I cried really hard though when I got home. My second recitation in her class didn’t go so bad, I was able to answer and managed to get a grade of 78, but that’s after she went to my desk and slammed my notes faced-down as I couldn’t help but glance at it. But on the last round of recits for that semester, I was the first one to be called and she asked about a case which was not the first one on the list and I just screwed it all up again.
My exams were no exception. My highest grade was 67/100. That is after not sleeping for days just to study. That’s after prayers. That’s after cups and cups of coffee. That’s after panicking. That’s after doing everything to be ready, to still not be ready to take the exam. By the end of the semester, I believe only two from our original class passed her subject. I was not one of them. I was not the exception. I was the general rule. And my grade? The lowest I could possibly have in my lifetime to be put as an academic rating. I sincerely hope so. It is not even a 70. That’s how bad I was. That’s how hard it was.
So now I have to re-take the subject and I am not any less scared. It’s now our summer vacation but yesterday I already started reading the civil code again and today I re-memorized Article 1 of the Family Code. I haven’t done much I know, but this should be the pattern from today on. 2 or 3 important provisions daily until classes start again. Or so I hope.
I remember during first semester last year, I was not only frightened for I was, in a way, a reluctant law student who was so full of doubt on my capabilities. I was so unsure of myself, my self esteem was at an all-time low, I had zero confidence, and I was constantly clouded by doubts, almost always questioning my abilities in law school. “Why couldn’t I read all the cases, why couldn’t I remember the specific provisions, if this is how I’m always going to be then how will I ever become a lawyer?” These thoughts dragged me down and ultimately caused my depression. I cried every time I got a failed exam notebook. I was sad, lonely, heart broken for a lot of times in a span of only five months. But I would always pray and all the blues would go away replaced by faith that I could do it, and I then could start again and fight another round.
Second semester was easier, but only because it felt like it went by faster. Somehow, we also started to get the hang of it. We no longer felt humiliated when we have bad recitation for we then understood that it was normal. But that doesn’t mean we didn’t try any harder; in fact we did because we have to make up for a bad previous semester. We now had formulated study routines that we found effective for us. It became easier to read piles and piles of cases; we could’ve read them all if we wanted to and if we were required to. We no longer have high expectations for our exam results, we just set them low so that it wouldn’t hurt so much when we fail, and so that when we actually passed, the feeling became even better.
I used to have so much doubt until I learned that it was actually what was bringing me down. I had so much doubts that I was already crushing a dream before I could even fully dream it. But in every single doubt, I also learned to believe and believe harder. And when I started to believe in myself, to believe that I was here for a purpose, to believe that this was where I was meant to be, it became a lot more bearable. The dream became clearer despite all the uncertainties. And I? I became stronger in my fight. It may not always be a win; but I believe in the end, it will be. 🧡
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