“Life after youth, faded in twilight, the dawn of a criminal in bloom.
First love, first forgiveness, we were delinquents.
Freaks of a fading memory...
Outlaws! When we were forever young, when we were outlaws, we're outlaws of redemption baby.Hooligans! We destroyed suburbia, when we were outlaws.
The outlaws of forever...”
There’s just a lot on my mind lately. A lot about the past, the future, everything. This song brings back so many feelings memories that I thought I’d long since buried...
“Dearly beloved are you listening?
I can't remember a word that you were saying
Are we demented or am I disturbed?
The space that's in between insane and insecure
Oh therapy, can you please fill the void?
Am I retarded or am I just overjoyed
Nobody's perfect and I stand accused
For lack of a better word, and that's my best excuse...”
Friends... Friends?.. Friends... What can you really say about them? Some are amazing, always there for you when you need them, friends that care to be there, WANT to be there, and need you just as much as you need them...
Then there are THOSE type of friends. You know the ones. I know you do because basically everyone has one of them (at least one) and you can never help but love and hate them. They can be the biggest dicks in the world one day and then the nicest person ever the next. But this is my question... When is far, too far?...
Say goodbye to the ones that you love...
I feel there has to come a point when you just say “Enough is enough!” and give up. Maybe that sounds harsh, and maybe I don’t mean give up completely, but if you find yourself stuck in a horrible situation just because “Oh, we’ve been friends so long, of course I can deal with anything that comes our way. Even if it wasn’t my fault in the first place” YOU DO NOT NEED TO STAY IN SAID SITUATION. The rules for friendship should be the same rules that apply to romantic relationships, maybe even a bit stricter!
I guess my main point of all of this is... You may love your friends, but sometimes, no matter how much you love them, being around them constantly/living with them can REALLY fuck up said relationship!
She, she screams in silence. A sullen riot penetrating through her mind...
My emotions have been at max level lately, for months now really, all because of stress. Yet, I stay calm... I may be filled with rage, but I seem so very calm on the outside. My biggest issue lately though is being lied to. Lied to, to the point of certain people losing my trust almost completely. It hurts me deeply and I just don’t understand why it keeps happening! Am I a doormat? Can people just walk all over me?! Fuck my life and most of the people in it! Well, all except a few. Wilhelm of course, and...
She’s a loner, not a stoner, bleeding heart, and the soul of Ms. Teresa...
My dear darling Young Blood. The friend that is there no matter what and only wants to make you smile, make you happy. The type of friend that makes you feel like you’re the center of their universe if only for a while. Now THAT is a friend, BEST friend that everyone needs.
Are you restless? She said “Fuck you I’m from Oakland!”
Or am I the last of the American girls?.. We do live in confusing times don’t we? Rhetorical of course. I only say this to let you in on a not so secret secret. I go by many names and just about as many labels when it comes to who/what I am. I didn’t used to subscribe to labels, but eventually if you don’t start calling yourself something it almost becomes more confusing than just leaving it alone. Not that anyone who is ‘close’ to me actually abides by my wants or needs.
I’ve been called many things in my life (oh the high school years how fondly I don’t remember you) but what do I call myself? The closest I’ve come to understanding much of myself and giving a broad enough spectrum for basically ANYONE to understand was this:
A panromantic, gray asexual, genderqueer reject rebel mess. I don’t care what you gender me as, I’ve grown up being called one and feeling both, everything, nothing. It really doesn't matter to me.
Friendly PSA though: Always ASK a person, it’s just polite really.
King for a day, princess by dawn...
A (possibly) short story of my discovery? Why not?
I actually didn’t understand almost anything about myself until just two years ago. Being in my almost late 20′s that’s actually quite sad. Don’t get me wrong, I knew I was different in so many ways, possibly all the ways really, but I didn’t know there were so many others out there like me.
In some ways I was a very early bloomer. I knew I liked boys and girls equally by the time I was 13 and had my first same sex relationship by 14. But to ever think there could be more to me?
Let me go ahead and tell the not so secret, my gender at birth was female weather I call myself that now or not. The only reason I stopped being vague (as amusing as I was finding it) is because it makes the story so much easier to tell.
Since then I’ve been through many more relationships with humans of different genders (and I’m sure at some point I will tell many of those stories as well) I was even married once! Of course that didn’t last long but it did happen. But the story I wish to tell at the moment is not that one.
About two years ago I learned quite a few things I had never even heard of before but that made so much sense (at least to me). It started with a Destiel fan fiction. (Yes, I read and write fan fiction and am an insane fan of Supernatural just as I am Green Day, but that’s not what this blog is about. If you want to know about my writings of that sort you may message me and ask) One day I found myself reading a fic that mentioned something about Castiel being asexual and it was like a switch was thrown in my mind. Suddenly magical rainbows and unicorns dancing on clouds and all of that were racing through my mind! I had always just assumed something was wrong with me (granted there is plenty, but at least it wasn’t THAT)
On another day I found something that I clicked with even more, a fic featuring non binary Castiel in all their adorableness! Someone born gendered as a man but didn’t feel like either sex?! Did such a thing actually happen?! Was I really not abnormal for relating to, acting like, dressing like, and generally BEING more of a male than female?! I was amazed, truly.
Of course being the obsessive studious and curious person that I was I had to learn as much as I possibly could, which of course (not a shocking revelation) led me here, to Tumblr! The home of the fangirls (no matter your gender) and the most out and proud website I’ve ever come across! Certain parts of Tumblr seems to be the ideal future we all wish to see. Everyone is welcome and there is no hate where there should be celebration!
Daddy’s little psycho and mommy’s little soldier...
Of course it hasn’t been all easy, not at all really. As I previously stated, most people who know me refuse to think of me in any other way but the sweet little sick GIRL with the curly blonde hair that grew up to ruin herself with crazy hair dye and piercings and tattoos... Not saying I’m not proud of all the ways I’ve decorated this ‘temple’ of course, I quite like it all on days I’m not terribly body dysmorphic. (Another problem to talk about another time I’m sure)
My mother has been quite accepting of everything I’ve ever told her. Possibly because she’s just happy I’m still alive, or possibly because the shock value somewhat wore off when my 8 year older sibling came out of the closet at the age of... 19 I want to say? Or maybe even because by the third child (especially one so much younger than the older two) is sort of the... “We give up” child. And I say that with no anger, only understanding. But Wilhelm did somewhat steal the thunder of a queer child in a religious household, even with the added bonus of having a preacher for a father. And I really can’t say much else about my father’s reactions to how and who I am. It may have been very different if I were still a teenager, but now? Doesn't really affect him past the (I’m sure) near constant headache from rolling his eyes every time I show up with a new hair color or tattoo or piercing. But at least he has one normal child, and BOY is she another story for another time! (In the future she will be called... Juliet) [And yes, that’s still keeping with the Green Day-esque flow, you just have to go WAY back for that one!]
This has most likely gone on long enough, and I’m sure you now understand why I call it “Ramblings” if you didn’t before. The more you know... Not that any of it ever makes sense. Again, I gave fair warning!
Did you wake up late one day and you’re not so young?..
Somewhat obviously, I am a Green Day fan, not that this blog will be about them much at all. I may use quotes or art or what have you, but this blog is mostly just to rave, rant, rage, and love. I’ve been told my life has had some... Interesting stories to it, but I’ll leave that up to whomever is reading. What I write here may never be in order, just in order of what my inner demons dredged up in my mind in that day/hour/moment. I doubt much will be fabricated, but I do sometimes have a flare for the dramatic and a love of adding comedy to tragedy. I’m in my right mind in the wrong lane, speeding straight to the inevitable and sometimes ineffable.
Calling all demons, this is the season. Next stop is therapy...
I’ve mostly started this blog to put into words some of my thoughts that I can’t seem to speak out loud. And isn’t that always the way? I may not update often, I don’t really even expect many to start following me to be honest. I’m just taking the advice of my best friend in this fucked up world and “putting pen to paper” so to speak. (From here on out I think I will refer to this person as... Wilhelm Fink, just to keep with the Green Day-esque flow) But I made a joke to Wilhelm about someday writing the next Prozac Nation and of course he ran with it. One mention of a blog to keep my thoughts together for such an idea and yet again he reassured me that yes, it was a very good idea. So here I am, in all my lack of glory, stripped bare, bleeding out memories and thoughts in a (hopefully somewhat) amusing fashion.
Here’s to the wasted, I can almost taste it. The rejects and waste of times...
Again I repeat, most of what I put here may not make sense, may not be in any kind of order. Some posts may be memories told in a dramedic (dramatic comedic) sort of way. While other posts may simply be the most random of thoughts. Having ADD makes for an interesting life when you want more than anything to write.
All grown up and medicated, on my own cellular waves...
If you enjoy reading weird thoughts, feelings, and memories of a fucked up nature written by an ADD X Kid, with more health problems than books (and I’ve got a LOT of books) then please, enjoy. If you like scrolling through the ramblings of a reject rebel with an intense past, a fondness for Green Day, and a (somewhat) drug addled brain (all doctor prescribed I’m sure) then please do press that little follow button and laugh at my pain. Why not, I already do!
I love a lie just like anybody else..
How did life on the wild side ever get so dull?!..
