Sakto lang

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Men are a lot more concerned with limiting the freedoms of women than exercising personal freedom for themselves

Sally Rooney- Normal People 

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Laruan

Noong bata pa ako, parati akong dinadala ng aking nanay sa baclaran

Kung saan sari-sari ang mga laruan, ngunit palagi lamang naming nilalagpasan ang mga tindahan

Naaalala ko na palagi kong tinuturo ang mga manikang naglalakihan

Na ni minsan ay hindi ako nabilhan

Noong bata pa ako ay nangarap na magkaroon ng doll house 

at manikang binibihisan

Ngunit ang kaya ko lamang bilhin ay manikang papel na binibili sa paaralan tuwing uwian 

Hindi marangya ang buhay namin kung kaya’t minsan ay nanghihiram na lang ako ng laruan

Naaalala ko ang lungkot at inggit na aking naramdaman

na agad ding napalitan noong ibinili ako ng lutu-lutuan 

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magkaroon lang ako ng isang talent o hobby, aba eh puwede na ako mamatai yawa.

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Princess Carolyn is meh

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Night.

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03/26/21

1:51 am

It's been a year since I started writing about my life-- to keep track of my self, to keep track my non-existent progress and notes to remind me I am still alive. I just got tired pf writing the same thing again and again knowing I am not making any progress at all. It feels like writing an essay about a topic you do not fully understand. So you end up searching on the internet and paraphrase the words to make it sound like yours. Stupid. I got tired of writing about my emotions because no matter how many times I try to write something different-- new self discoveries, deep down, I know that change isn't just for me. All I feel are worst of the worst. Grievance, disappointment, loneliness, insecurities, madness, hopeless and self-pity-- all of these emotions inside me-- raging all at once amd forgetting that I only have one heart. It feels like there are 5?6? people living inside me. Most of the time, I don't feel like living in my own body anymore. I feel suffocated. I wanted to get out.

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03/24/21

This pandemic has only gotten my existencial crisis impossible to overcome. fuck Duterte.

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03/24/21

I just finished watching HIMYM. Ahhhhh my heart is happy that at the end of the day, Ted and Robin still ended up being together. But I love Trace-- and I'm sad for how Barney and Robin's 3 years marriage just ended like that-- I mean after all the ups and downs, the break-ups, the lies, the surprises-- all of that was indeed legendary, right? So why-- and I never got to see who's girl #31. Ahhhh idk I'm gonna cry. bye.

#HIMYM

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Putangina.