気持ち悪い

My name is Sally and how I see life is like an adventure. You'll never know if you don't get out there and try. Don't hold back. You gotta seize the moment and just do what you want to do without hesitating. Oii.. Don't think just do.

[sal-dynasty]

September 25, 2015 - Friday

I don’t know anymore. I just want to be happy but it’s really hard. I want good grades. I want a more stable foundation to build my career on top of. I want to be around good company. There’s a lot of things I want and I know that I can’t always get what I want. But, I’m working towards these goals to the best of my ability. I have to make sacrifices even though I might not want to but it should benefit me later. I just want to establish myself first before I can fully commit to the fun I actually want to have. I’m guilty of indulging while chasing my dreams but hey, I need a pick-me-up every now and then. Doesn’t everybody? Ok, well not really everybody. I guess it’s better to leave him alone most of the time. 

Who am I to want to change him? He doesn’t exactly listen to me when I tell him about my feelings and how he hurts them by doing certain things. I just don’t know if I want to take that as a sign to actually leave him. At the same time, I’ve changed a lot of what I’m used to or consider normal to be that “better girlfriend” I keep telling him I want to be. Because, if you love someone, you’d want them to be happy and be the best you can be for them. At the same time, I don’t necessarily think it should cost you your personality and happiness. Maybe I’m happy and content with being quiet. I mean I know I love to talk when I’m in a comfortable environment and it’s with people that I actually like. I hate being fake and I don’t want to fake a smile and conversations with people I don’t like. But, it apparently makes him upset and burns him out because he feels like he has to talk for the both of us. That’s not what I want. I just want to listen to the gossip when it comes to people I don’t care for. Is it wrong for me to be silent and just act like I am listening and that I care? I guess so. I don’t know. Maybe it won’t last as long as I thought or maybe I’m just being a little too critical right now. I’m always really negative when I’m alone.

He didn’t even say bye when I said it to him before he left for the gym. I get it. He wants to go alone sometimes so if he bumps into someone he knows, he can talk to them without me in the way. It just hurts sometimes because it feels like he’s pushing me away and he only wants me around when it’s convenient for him. I don’t want to live like that. 

I feel like I have no where to go where I can feel safe and loved and wanted. At least not anymore. I guess I still kinda of miss Kevin and it doesn’t feel all that right but, I wish I could hang out with him again. I kind of miss those long nights we would spend staying up sharing stories, updating each other on gossip, and watching anime together. He welcomed me every time and walked me back to my apartment every time. Always texted me and was wondering what I was up to and if I wanted to hang out.

You know, I don’t exactly like this feeling. I should probably just visit him. He wasn’t that bad of a person like how I first thought. Funny how things work out.

Song of the day: “Ice Cream (Hex Cougar Remix)” by JS

[sal-dynasty]

September 12, 2015 - Saturday

I haven’t written on here in over a year, I can’t remember why I stopped. Maybe school. But, I’m excited to graduate in the spring of 2016! Life’s been pretty hard. And it’s been changing pretty fast. Probably too fast. 

I feel so distant from everyone around my age. I like the maturity of my 25+ co-workers at my internship. I just wish I got paid but that’s why I need my diploma as soon as I can. I’m not getting anywhere like this. At the same time, I want someone or a group of friends I can mess around with on top of understanding that we have to work hard for the things we want. We can be silly together, gossip about whatever news has been going on, and enjoy this life regardless of how difficult it has become. Am I growing up too fast? I’ve always thought about it and even now, I still don’t want to know. Let me still be young.

Something else that’s been on mind, too, is life. Feeling alive. Being alive. I think now I am starting to understand the difference. I am alive but do I feel like I am living? My throat hurts. I feel like my boyfriend is pushing me away. My mom will never let me live my life how I want to. I’m nearly broke. But none of that is a big deal. That’s just life. At the same time, I haven’t been feeling like I am living. I’m losing my sense of touch with the world. It’s a terrible place but I don’t want to lose faith in it - that there is good somewhere. I just keep getting caught up in the bad. I almost want to give up. I feel scared.

Song of the day: "Eat” by Zion T.

[sal-dynasty]

January 7, 2014 - Tuesday

Aight so today was really weird. I was just doing whatever today, trying to get back into shape (funny, huh?) and then, Cindy hits me up out of nowhere and we go together to like the mall and Honey Boba because she doesn't want to think about her .... ummm ex boyfriend. I totally understand and like, I don't want her to sulk over him or like be all sad cause I like my Cindy happy so I just drop whatever the hell i was doing and went with her. It was nice having Cindy be able to just rant out her feelings and everything to me because I feel like she can trust me enough to do that and I know it's gonna help make her feel better after she can get that off her chest. It was also really nice shopping with her and I finally met her little sister, Hillary. Aww she was so cute haha and she definitely has good taste in clothes ;) LOL dem blue colored pants way to go Cindy. It's like having a little me live with her teehee 

Oh yeah and Honey Boba is actually really good omg I like the chocolate, pudding and honey boba combo I got mmmmm! tasted like chocolate milk and i like how sweet they made it ahhhh thanks Cindy for letting me try out this place with you !

[sal-dynasty]

January 6, 2014 - Monday

Uh yeah just the usual Mondays. Woke up late, ate, watched movies, blog and stuffs. 

[sal-dynasty]

January 5, 2014 - Sunday

ALL OF MY FRIENDS ARE FINALLY GONNA LEAVE TO FREAKING UC'S AND ALL DEM SCHOOLS UGHUHRGHRG i miss you guys so much ya'll don't even know .. 

I'm glad I got to hang out with a handful of them though before they have to go. For tonight, I got to eat at Guppy House for the first time with my friends, Helen and Jackie, plus I got to meet a new friend of theirs, Claudia. It was pretty awesome and Guppy House isn't that bad. I'm just not a big fan of fruity desserts haha I enjoyed the company of my friends and that peanut butter brick toast was delicious !!! 

And then afterwards, Helen and I stayed in my car as I parked outside her house and just pretty much caught up with each other's lives until like 3 in the morning LOL I feel really bad about keeping my mom up the whole time thought cause she couldn't sleep knowing that I wasn't home yet. I just want her to sleep soundly and sleep enough especially since I am getting older and I want to make my own decisions. In the long run, I want to be able to support and take care of her. 

[sal-dynasty]

January 3-4, 2014 - Friday, Saturday

IT'S ALL A BLUR OMFG I think I hung out with people LOL I feel terrible for not remember. I'm sorry whoever it was !! I'm pretty sure I had fun though because why the heck wouldn't I LOL I love people especially if they're my friends (btw i need to stop LOL-ing ...)

[sal-dynasty]

January 2, 2014 - Thursday

It feels so weird typing 2014 instead of 2013... I wonder how long it'll take me to get "2014" down HMMM ??!

[sal-dynasty]

January 1, 2014 - Wednesday (New Year's)

dang that was fast LOL I haven't updated my blog in forever I feel so bad !! but basically what I can recall from today was that I woke up and just merrrh haha the day went by like nothing but I think I did productive stuff cause I've been trying to keep myself busy. 

I liked how I was able to watch Frozen (FINALLY) with my pbro, Cindy. Well, she's more than just a pbro to me at this point. She's really great and I just hope she can continue to live a happy life and that it just keeps getting better for her. I don't want anyone close to me to have to suffer any kind of pain whether physical, emotional, or mental. I just want everybody to be happy no matter how lame and naive I may sound, it's really what i want haha 

By the way, Frozen ... such a cute ass movie omfg

[sal-dynasty]

December 31, 2013 - Tuesday (New Year's Eve)

Hi !! I've recently thought about making vlogs instead of typing about my day out !! But, I'll probably opt to doing both at times. Teehee !! I just thought it'd be funny to see myself aging and talking as I get older. I know I have weird quirks that I'm really embarrassed about but hey ! Gotta be honest with myself and accept myself for who I am, right ? I'm still trying to figure out if I like who I became, too. This semester has changed my life so much, it's unbelievable ! It was the most productive, fun, dramatic, and sad 3 months of my life ever haha 

But in terms of the year 2013, I felt like such a mood killer. I felt so selfish. I felt so bummed out most of the time being 19 years old. I thought being 19 was gonna be a curse so I can't wait to turn 20 (and yes, finally be an even number haha) But, I realized it all now. This year is finally gonna end and there's so much I want to fix and change about myself to prepare for 2014. I'm scared and nervous but excited, too. I already had my first night out clubbing, first sips of alcohol, first time partying, first time sleeping in bed with a boy who isn't related to me !!, first time eating out at so many different restaurants, first time staying out so late at night, first time at the beach with friends (once at night and once in the morning !!), first time opening myself up and sharing things about myself, first time losing a boyfriend (pls don't let this happen again ^__TT), first time going to a funeral/open casket, first time getting a speeding ticket (I knew this day would come.. haha). I can't wait to cross off more on my list of things to do before I'm gone.

I want to spend tonight with my friends in hopes of another year of being with them. I love them all so much and so dearly I wouldn't ever want to lose them. I wish I could have had another year with you, Kevin La, but I know now, you had always been here and when I die, I'll be sure to share with you all the happiness that I got to experience. I miss you but, I need to be happy and welcome this new year of future experiences. I'll see you again someday so, sorry if I make you wait long. Haha, look, I still have that habit of saying "sorry" all the time . I guess I still haven't changed as much but I'm working on it !! >:3c

[sal-dynasty]

December 30, 2013 - Monday

Today's the potluck at the park with some of my high school friends - the ones that weren't total stuck up wannabes (ok no, sorry, that was mean.. but I just really hated that school haha) ! It was fun, we played uno which I finally learned how to play for the first time that day AND I won a game ahaha!! We also had a lot of leftover food and took plenty of pictures. We played Charades and a bunch of ice breaker games I picked up from APO. I'm so happy they liked it heehee but no one has to know where I got it from >:3c or well, I want them all to join it haha !! It changed my life and who I am as a person. 

But anyway, I also got to hit up my friends from way back when - Brandon and Jin ! We ate at a KBBQ place that night and damn, they can eat so much meat ! It was amazing to watch LOL I also bumped into Julie, an old friend and current college buddy. It was funny seeing her again. There was also Diana !! I havent seen her in FOREVER !!!! I still really love her teehee ^___^ She makes things so much better. I love how she's just really out there and I feel so comfortable talking to her. She has really pretty eyes omgahh but damn, I love how she's been actively after this one guy, Gabe. Congrats to her and her dedication LOL I hope she finds someone she can call her other half and just be really happy though. 

That's all I ever want out of everyone I know and love. Be happy and treasure everyone you love. Make sure that every night you go to bed, everyone around you knows just how much you love and care for them because a tomorrow is never guaranteed. 

Thanks Diana for listening to me rant a bit. I feel so bad .. I didnt want to bore you or make you feel uncomfortable. But I really appreciate you listening to me so much.

[sal-dynasty]

December 29, 2013 - Sunday

I wanted to surprise a friend today with a hangout but I didn't think she would already be hanging out with someone so darn ! Everytime I try to plan something, it never really works out haha ! You think I would have learned my lesson already but that's just how stubborn I am. 

I watched movies up until she was free to hang. I really love Kwak Jae-yong's style in directing and scriptwriting. My favorite films from him would have to be My Sassy Girl and Windstruck. I also love the film Love 911. I just hate how all 3 of those deal with someone losing a boyfriend or girlfriend because I was just screaming and crying "I FEEL YOUUU !!" which sucks !!! but it's okay, it's helping me cope with it I guess. It's starting to hurt less but it's still there. I'm not expecting it to go away completely but I just want to be happy again.

ANYWAY, I got to eat some yogurt with Leslie today. I'm so sad she didn't use the coupon I brought. I wanted her to have a free ride to Yogurtland and my place, free yogurt, and just, you know, chill and relax and have fun !! I suck at planning things, you see.. ? But, it was nice catching up with her and see how she's been doing. She's still as pretty as ever and I mean, dang, all those boys who keep trying to get at her haha she's got game !! I feel bad for kinda spilling my heart out to her almost but I just... this guy is all that's been on my mind lately, especially when I'm alone, and it sucks !!! LIFE IS TOUGH BUT YOU KNOW WHAT ?! YOU GOTTEN TOUGHEN UP TOO and well I'm trying haha except today is my break to binge eat after all that working out ...

[sal-dynasty]

December 28, 2013 - Saturday

Same as the other day ! Just more working out. I really want to keep fit and start taking care of my body more. My health is important if I want to live a long life, right !?

[sal-dynasty]

December 27, 2013 - Friday

Pretty much stayed home I think. I didn't really do much. I tried hitting people up to just hang and talk but didn't really work out. 

So you know what I did instead? Literally work out haha I tried to do choreo for dance comp !! I'm super excited for it ahhhhhhh !! I love helping out and even though I was a bit skeptical about it at first, I really want to do this. I want to give back what APO has given to me. I'm so grateful, you don't even know ... 

I joined, made friends, met people I actually didn't like and wanted to get away but it helped me deal with it, it gave me a different perspective of people and life, it gave me someone I could really connect with and ended up falling for even though I really hated him in the beginning, it taught me to grow up and be more open with myself. I realized how selfish I had been my whole life. I feel so stupid now that I think about it but, at least I know now before it's too late !

[sal-dynasty]

December 26, 2013 - Thursday

Just a long drive back home from Vegas. I got a new maroon-colored shirt finally ! Gotta rep that Phi fam haha !!

Then, I went over to a friend's house to help make a totoro doll for his friend. It was a nice drive together to a Michael's store where we bumped into this woman who wouldn't stop talking to us !! I was like, we got this.. chill... and my friend, Billy, was like "help me get out of this mess" haha GOOD STUFF ! We eventually left to a Joann's to get wool felt but happened to see the same lady once again !! We quickly grabbed regular felt sheets and left ! What a coincidence ? I think not.. ! Because we ended up watching Howl's Moving Castle and made a makeshift totoro plush in the end. I was surprised it actually worked out to be honest oops ^^;;

It was strange being alone in his room (in his own house for that matter) so I was pretty uncomfortable.. but I didn't want to think too hard about it. I couldn't stop thinking about Kevin the whole time though and I felt so bad about it. I really want to just let go and move on already. Somebody build me a bridge to get over this !! 

mood of the day: DESPERATE ^____TT

[sal-dynasty]

December 25, 2013 - Wednesday (Christmas !!)

Today's the big day. It's Christmas !! His favorite holiday that he was really looking forward to. I was really looking forward to spending it with him, too. But, I'm in Vegas and I'm waiting for the night to come so we can all eat at Caesar Palace's buffet yum ! Too bad it got filled up before we could get anything inside. Instead, we went downstairs of the hotel to eat at some fancy grill joint. Service was pretty chill and I thought it was funny how the server was trying to recommend me wines and beer. Damn, do I look 21+ already ?! haha but, even though we didn't get that buffet we were really looking forward to eating at, I'm really happy I could spend Christmas with my family. 

I just wonder how Kevin's mom has been holding up. I feel really bad and I still feel at fault sometimes but, gotta think of the positives !! SMILE AND BE HAPPY DO WHATEVER IT TAKES AND STOP BEING SUCH A SAD BUM !!

[sal-dynasty]

December 24, 2013 - Tuesday

It's Christmas Eve and I'm in a car ride all the way to Vegas haha sounds like fun right?! Especially since Billy was nice enough to text me the whole time until I got to the hotel and even then, we still talked. He was busy, but he was still able to make time to text me back. What a cute LOL 

I had a nice panini and fries at Roxy's and best of all, it was free haha gotta love that free food teehee

Then, I just played games on my laptop for the rest of the night and watched choreo videos ahhh Koharu Sugawara's choreo is so explosive and amazing ! I really want to dance again so bad !! 

I remember when Kevin was excited to see showcase and see me dance. Even now, I really wish he could see. Especially since tomorrow is Christmas - his favorite holiday. His gift would have been a me, a date, and who knows what else ahaha I was really looking forward to hanging out with him this winter break but there's nothing I can do. I just need to keep moving on and on. I'll live out your happiness okay, Kevin ? 

Everyday, I'm going to smile and remember what we had because nothing can replace it. You were my happiness and now, that's all I'm made out of. 

Merry Christmas Eve :)

song of the day: "Fallin Out" by Keyshia Cole

[sal-dynasty]

December 23, 2013 - Monday

Aiyah hang out with mah APO pa and pbros, Billy and Lily ! Went thrift shopping for the first time le gasp ! It was actually pretty fun. I got 2 books which Lily paid for so I owe her $2 which she didn't have to spend on me !! Then afterwards, we went to go eat at Shin Sen Gumi which was major bomb wohh Introduced takoyaki to Billy and he said it was actually pretty good haha no durrr !! My favorite thing ever besides okonomiyaki which I have been craving since forever TTATT 

I also had Milk for the very first time today too ! It's some kind of dessert place. I really wanted to try their cookies n' cream macaroon thing but they ran out bummer !! Instead, I ordered their chocolate/vanilla brownie dessert thing and it was so delicious I wanted a second one haha I shared it with Billy since he paid for my food so many times before. I really owe this guy a lot. Thanks for being such an amazing friend ^___^K Oh and we also shared a lot of weird dreams and embarrassing moments while we were there haha

We spent a long time in traffic but it was great spending it with each other. I'm so grateful for the friends I made and I want to keep them with me forever ! I had the most amazing day conquering many firsts for me >:3c

... I needa get out of my house more often ^^;;