[saltandrockets]

shut the fuck up already

I deleted my fics, I deleted my twitter, I don't post on here and deleted my posts, what more do you want, why can't you just leave me alone, I'm supposed to die in a hole and stop bothering everyone

[saltandrockets]

omg I saw on Twitter that u got a p3ado in jail and honestly. Ur getting unlimited heaven points for that like that is so fucking cool. Ur awesome like it was genuinely so cool to read that. Good for you, I hope he rots for all eternity- it means the world to see someone fighting the good fight. hope u have a good week and eat some good food or see some nice plants etc etc

it was kind of you to send this but I had nothing to do with him going to prison. I reported on the court case. just sat in the courtroom and wrote down what happened. that's all. no story I've ever reported has had any impact whatsoever. my reporting is actually completely pointless and has no impact except that it gets me harassed by police and politicians and religious leaders and the fringe conservative groups that control my community. the really funny part is that the local liberal community hates me too, because they've decided I'm not doing enough. nothing I do is enough. my existence is totally worthless.

[saltandrockets]

You're still attention seeking. STILL. At this point, either kill yourself or don't. Just stop trauma dumping, whichever one you pick.

this is basically what the counselor at the crisis center told me. he was right then and you're right now. I know what I'm supposed to do. I'm trying to get there. I'm sorry.

[saltandrockets]

share about your life or your feelings or what you've lost and people recoil, that's how it works, it's the same online as it is irl, who wants to be rejected over and over and over, only some people get to be real

[saltandrockets]

it's funny. I had a job interview today. and I was so hopeful about it. my current job is killing me and I mean that. they took down the job listing a few minutes before our scheduled meeting. didn't know what to make of that. the interview lasted an hour. I thought that was a good thing. they told me about how wonderful the job is. how it pays really well. amazing benefits at no cost to the employee. fully remote. and I really believed I could do it. I thought something good would finally happen to me. and then at the end they told me they didn't want to move forward with me. I get why. I can sometimes trick people with a resume and cover letter into thinking I'm smart or capable. then they talk to me and find out what a stupid fucking loser I am. but I don't understand why they talked to me for an hour.

I went back to work after. had to cover a political event. got followed most of the way back to the office, on foot, by a man who yelled at me and recorded me the whole time.

I'm not qualified to work anywhere else. nobody will have me. sometimes I wish someone would kill me on the job because I can't get out any other way. and then my family could pretend that I had some value as a reporter.

you know why I'm writing this? because I'm an attention seeking piece of shit. no other reason. that's the core of my personality. learned that in therapy. it's funny to be so self absorbed while knowing you're evil and unlikable and uninteresting. stupid too.

[saltandrockets]

If the anon who keeps sending you shitty messages doesn’t want to read your posts then they need to stop obsessively looking at your page and sending you those pointless messages. You can post whatever you want and that doesn’t make you ‘attention seeking’

the person who needs to stop is me and I know that.

I can't post whatever I want. I really can't. I can't talk to anyone about what I think and feel and experience. I learned in therapy that it's evil to do that. telling people you're struggling and need help is a sign that you don't actually need help. it's attention seeking behavior. that's what every health care provider has told me.

and nobody wants to hear it anyway. I know that for sure. it's funny. there was a person on here who messaged me and asked if I wanted to talk and promised (unprompted, I didn't ask them for anything, I know it would be wrong to do that) not to ghost. and after they had coaxed me into opening up... they ghosted. of course. they knew I'm an attention seeking piece of shit, so of course I'd fall for it. I'm sure they got a good laugh out of it and shared screenshots of our conversation with their friends and the friends got to laugh too.

so I can't really post whatever I want. I'm supposed to stop bothering people. but I'm too fucking stupid and evil to stop.

[saltandrockets]

If you were serious about stopping your attention seeking behavior, then you would actually stop. But you keep posting. You haven't changed. You don't want to change.

what do you want me to do

it feels unfair to send this to me because I can't respond without proving you right

but you are right

I know what a piece of shit I am and I know I can't change

I think what I'm supposed to do is finally delete this blog because it's just a vehicle for me to do bad things

it's hard for me, I hate losing things forever, I know it sounds stupid, it was actually really hard for me to get rid of my fics and my drabbles on here, but it was the right thing to do and so I had to do it

I wish I could delete myself, I don't want to be like this, I never did, I'm not

[saltandrockets]

I’m so sorry you’ve been made to feel this way, you do not deserve to be going through what you are. I really hope things get better for you one day soon.

it was very kind of you to say this. unfortunately things won't get better and that's because of who I am as a person. I deserve everything that happens to me and worse. learned that in therapy.

[saltandrockets]

You're still attention seeking.

I know, I'm sorry, and it feels wrong to even answer because that's attention seeking too, everything is, there is no way for me to exist in the world anymore, I really am sorry

[saltandrockets]

Listen, I’m not one to usually refute how people see their own lives because human views are simply a collection of how we understand and put meaning to our experiences and choices, so I want you to know how deadly serious I am when I say that that article was nothing but self righteous garbage. You were put on that list as merely a tool to achieve that person’s agenda, nothing more and nothing less, and I’m so sorry it’s been heavy on you ever since. You are not evil or disgusting, and the things you created were not shameful—you were harassed. You’re harassers were not right and they are still not right now, two years later. You went through something traumatic and internalized it, and I’m just somebody faceless on the internet, but I at least wanted to say this—something bad happened to you, but that doesn’t mean you were or are a bad person

it doesn't really matter why she put me on her list. she says she did it because I'm evil and abusive and that's all that matters. that's what people believe, including people I really thought were my friends. she was lauded for it. LFL employees supported and encouraged her and shared her essay. she was interviewed by the Washington Post and other national media. the essay is still being shared widely. she's benefited hugely and she's still benefiting and it doesn't matter who she hurt. I'm not a person, so I don't count.

[saltandrockets]

Hey, I’m sorry people have been treating you so unkindly. You genuinely don’t deserve it, you’ve always been intelligent and thoughtful, and fuck all the people (probably singular person) saying you are trauma dumping, this is your blog, they can unfollow if they want. They are just saying that to silence you, and that’s wrong. You’ve done nothing to deserve being made fun of. I had a feeling the purity police had heard of your fics and that backlash was why you took them down. Nothing you wrote was fetishistic or wrong or evil, I’m trans, and while some trans ppl may not like stories like that, I do. I like the representation, and so so many other trans folks. Fuck the people making fun of you and being cruel, they don’t speak for everyone, certainly not for anyone important. I strongly believe in curating your own online experience, so instead of going after you for your writing or telling you off for “trauma dumping”, they should fuck right off and take a hike. You can’t convince me that whatever these people are saying is in anyway right if this is how they are making you feel. I’m so sorry that you’ve faced this alone, and I don’t know what else is going on in your life, but you don’t deserve this and I wish I could undo your pain

it was really kind of you to say all this.

the people I knew who said those things weren’t purity police. they just recognized me as disgusting, that’s all. it wasn’t right of me to try to tell those stories. the majority of people agree on that. I should’ve listened when people told me back in 2016, when I posted my first fic, but I was too stupid to do that.

I took the fics down because I am ashamed of them and I wish I never wrote them.

I really wasn’t trying to be evil and harm people but I did, like I always do, because that’s just who I am. I learned that in therapy.

it’s important to remember that I was ranked the 3rd most abusive person in the entire SW fandom and nobody disagreed with that. people thought it was right. and that list is still circulating, because it’s right. that’s reality. you only get to be what other people allow you to be. I can’t fix anything and that’s my fault.

the thing about trauma dumping is it doesn’t matter where you do it. it’s never ok. you’re not even supposed to do it in therapy. I thought at first that it wasn’t possible to trauma dump in therapy, but it is. even therapists don’t want to hear this shit. it makes them uncomfortable. you’re supposed to talk about other things instead. you’re not supposed to tell anyone anything. it’s evil to tell people your feelings, unless you’re the right kind of person. and yet I’m still doing it now. I can’t win no matter what I do.

of course people can unfollow and they do. more people blocked and unfollowed since my last post. it happens every time I post. I bother people by existing. the rest are mostly here to laugh at me, which is all I'm good for. I always do the wrong thing. I don’t know what to say.

[saltandrockets]

I don't think you're a lazy piece of shit and neither would professional therapists. If someone made you feel that way, I am sorry. They were shitty and in the wrong. What do you mean nobody wants to understand?

I was in therapy for months. it was just getting told over and over that I can't be depressed because I go to work every day and when I feel bad, I should think about how other people have it much worse. the last time I saw my therapist, she told me that other people have real problems and I should just be grateful that I've never been raped. then she got rid of me with no warning and no referral to a different therapist, nothing. she promised she would be there for me and then just cut me off. she told me to get a copy of my records so I could read them and understand how she saw me and how terrible and evil I am. that's all therapy is. I understand what I'm like now.

I've tried crisis centers. therapy. doctors. nobody believes me and nobody will help me. they just tell me to go away because asking for help means you don't really need it and just want attention.

nobody wants to understand how hard it is to get any kind of help. it's pretty much impossible. people just want to say "get therapy" so you'll shut up and go away.

[saltandrockets]

PLEASE try and reach out online for help. There's plenty of professional help available online <3

no there isn't. there is no professional help that is accessible to me. I have been turned away from every resource. I literally can't pay someone enough to try to help me. I know you don't believe me and you think I'm a lazy piece of shit who's looking for attention. that's exactly what the people who refuse me services and resources think. and because that's what they decided, it becomes reality. I tried and tried and tried. I begged for help. I reached out to everyone. but it doesn't matter how many times I explain if nobody wants to understand. and I don't matter at all. I get that. which is why I have to stop all this and go away. I know how bothersome I am. I see how more and more people block me any time I post. the best thing in the world is to push a button and make me disappear forever. I want to do that too. just delete myself. there's nothing in the world that's for me.

[saltandrockets]

You said you would stop trauma dumping but you did it again. It’s not right to put all this on strangers. This is attention seeking behavior. Get professional help and stop doing this to people.

you're right and I'm sorry

I know that doesn't mean anything because I screw up over and over and I never fix anything

I really am trying to stop causing problems

I just have to go away for real

[saltandrockets]

You need professional help. Stop trauma dumping.

I'm sorry for everything

I don't have anything else to say and nobody needs to hear any more from me

I'm sorry

[saltandrockets]

can't fix anything

[saltandrockets]

I understand I can't achieve the things I wanted to achieve, there's nothing, no point, I don't like the world, I don't want to be in it, I just wanted to share things and I can't