A page of open letters & unsent messages

[saltedcaramelfries]

The rain is my living nightmare.

For those who look forward to warm blankies, a cozy, cuddly weather, and a mug of hot chocolate, I'm on the other side of the pole.

Growing up, raining means disassembling the sofa, bringing the entire encyclopedia collection upstairs, taking a bath literally outside because our bathroom is flooded, damp clothes, counting the number of steps left before the water reaches the second floor, endless prayers, and the list goes on...

It was a Saturday when Ondoy hit us in 2009. I texted my friends saying I couldn't attend our NSTP class since we're flooded -- nobody responded. I was dead-ass worried only to find out they were asleep. Not a care in the world. That was when reality hit me like a truck. My family eventually moved out a couple of days later. We were all safe, but we lost a ton: some clothes, kitchenware, collection of books, family photos, you know, precious stuff.

Fast forward to today, I still get that big lump of emotions in my chest every single time it rains, especially at night, and especially when I'm alone. I feel for those who are unfortunate to have the same experience.

It's tense and sad and exhausting all at the same damn time.

I'm pretty sure I'm never going to wake up from this.

[saltedcaramelfries]

It starting to feel like some planet is on an endless retrograde again, don't you think?

The heat, the rain, the hours in a day. Days seem longer than usual, but for some odd reason, despite the exhaustion, it doesn't feel fulfilling at all. It's as if we always underutilize each day, take people for granted, and the guilt of pushing a little bit more eats us up.

It's an infinite vortex -- you wake up, you hustle, you socialize, you sleep, and the same mundane cycle goes on for the next few decades. It's vanilla, but the terrifying kind.

I couldn't wrap my head around the idea of leaving a crazy week to reboot, because once the alarm goes off, we go back to square one and pick up where we left off. Nobody has the luxury of time (and energy) to 'pick up' things for us, because everyone's busy picking their own s**t up.

Are we really making the most out of adulthood around a life we've already built, or we're just clueless babies stuck finding ways to build a life around everything else?

A sufficient amount of rest feels like a life sentence. There's no better way of saying it.

[saltedcaramelfries]

"Why can't you stand staying in the same room with me anymore?"

[saltedcaramelfries]

I haven't been this emotional for a while.

Perhaps I have not been getting enough quiet time, or perhaps everything seems too fast and blurry for me that I don't get to savor every minute of it.

Everyday is a never-ending list of to-do's and checklists and responsibilities and and and. But I'd like to give credit to therapy as if it wasn't for it, it would me much more terrible. It's good that I also have Yoda with me. He is a pain in the ass sometimes, but he gives me so much happiness. He fills my heart with so much love. He makes me laugh on the worst days.

Really, it's not often that I'd say I miss my family and social interactions, but I do. Work recently feels like a dragging chore, but thinking about them gives me so much hope knowing that dragging my phalanges to generate a worthy income is mainly for them. That's my pick-upper right there.

As much as I would like to tell my partner about it, I don't want to ruin her trip. Speaking of, I think we're getting pretty occupied now in our separate lives that we don't get to have some 'slowing down' . I think it's time that we do it for ourselves.

It's 8:12 am on a Monday, let's see what's in store.

[saltedcaramelfries]

Getting pretty emotional at 11:32pm.

Exactly a year ago, never have I foreseen what could happen in the next 12 months. I was recuperating from the virus, and there was nothing else on my mind, other than my pending tasks at work and being able to fully recover.

The past 12 months went like bursts of color... I still couldn't wrap my head around the idea of having somebody lay beside you every single night, whom you could freely put your arms around, hearing nothing but her breathing, while everything goes slow, and the world becomes silent by the minute.

I still pinch myself sometimes to believe if it's real. It leaves me with little bruises of truth.

I couldn't find the right words to describe the paradise of emotions I'm conscientiously sinking myself into.

Thanking You is an understatement.

She's what's been lacking in my years all along.

[saltedcaramelfries]

It wasn't a walk in the park.

There's this persistent fear between making my family proud and living a lie; between being ultimately free and constant prejudice. Was there a phase? Of course. Years and years and years of questioning, but here we are today.

Developing an open mind and having a community made me realize a lot of things. I was taught that as long as my preferences make me a better person, they shouldn't be taken against me.

Just like what my father said, parents see perfection in their children no matter what they are, as long as they play it fair. As long as we stand up for our choices, like my mother would say, everything should be fine.

Nobody is shoving the truth down anybody's throat. We don't have to be visible to show the world the unicorns in us. We just have to take our time and make good use of the giant leaps we constantly make.

Because remember, no matter what you are, who you love, and where you want to be, you would always belong.

Now is the perfect time to march for people who cannot march for themselves 🏳️‍🌈 ✨

[saltedcaramelfries]

Just like any other year, 2020 wasn't the best year for most people. Too many bad things happening. One thing led to another, and the year has been seemed like an endless vortex of colors, light, and shadows.

We lost a ton. Loved ones getting sick, emotional and financial struggles here and there, the feeling of being overwhelmed and receiving little to no help, friends losing touch, and getting lost in your own fears. This year was a total wreck for most.

But 2020, unlike any other year, magnified life lessons which we've always taken for granted - - respecting boundaries considering our work setups, effective time management amidst the lack of delineation between our personal lives and careers, juggling critical responsibilities more than ever, appreciating people who have consistently been sticking through, and knowing the real concept of home and what truly matters.

There may only be a few people who knew what you've gone through this year. I understand, you wished you could have shared a piece of you to more people, but keeping it together was pretty exhausting in itself, and telling the same stories all over again induces a lot of apprehensions. But know that you should never feel sorry for prioritizing your peace. You do not owe anyone an apology.

Could 2020 be the best if not one of your best years, never let anyone slow you down. Maintain that momentum and inspire others along the way.

Whatever you felt how 2020 was like, dude, that's valid.

Remember that we are blessed. We are worthy of all the good things in life. We deserve to be at peace.

It's 2021. It's time to rest.

[saltedcaramelfries]

An Open Letter to the Future Generation ---------- We are not sure how many pages will 2020 be in your history books, but allow us to send our sincerest apologies for the long reads, for the several events you have to remember, and a lot of personalities involved whose names you have to memorize. Trust us when we say, we also wished the ugly parts of this year didn't happen. As we tried to get away from a mess of the previous years that was, some of us had to toil overseas to give you a better life, to let you experience the good things we never did, and to gear you away from all the chaos. But as we were giving you the best this world has to offer, it's doing the opposite for the country. We were engulfed by this impermeable bubble called privilege. Some were left behind and chose the comfort of being with our families despite all the struggles. Nevertheless, it's a blind eye we unconsciously turned, attuned to the peace silence gave us. We voted for the wrong people, we supported how twisted others may be, even kissed their feet. We do hope we thought things through by not acclaiming and praising powerful individuals but righteous principles instead. Social media was both a blessing and a curse, yet we chose to utilize it as the latter. We chose to believe what we wanted to believe, and everything else was labeled fake. We are sorry for not recognizing constructive criticism, for choosing to be blind and be manipulated by wealth and power, and for holding on to too much pride, wrath, and angst. At the end of it all, our ego was believed to be bigger than anything else. Believe us when we say you have the power to turn things around. Study hard, read as much as you can, never get tired of asking the right questions, surround yourself with good and genuine people, and never forget to always carry a brave heart with you. Sorry, kids. We tried to give you the best, but everything turned out to be the worst. We are deeply sorry. We messed up bigtime. //ZSS

[saltedcaramelfries]

whether we like it or not, we will reach our boiling points. we can't be "okay" all the time. honestly, we don't even have to be sick to take a time-off. everyone could be demotivated, distracted, and disconnected. but instead of asking them to cope, adjust, and find their way out of the rabbit holes, have we ever asked them of their needs, and what do they need from us to make things happen? you know, not everyone is as vocal despite convincing them that it's okay to be. not everyone had the same experiences as ours for us to say that it's okay. what if there was a time that they did what they were advised to do and their entire career went down the drain? we know nothing. most importantly, we should not invalidate whatever anyone's feeling. we take it, process it, and help out. as leaders, while it may sometimes seem like additional work, that is what we're expected to do after all -- to lead. let people take breaks and never take it against them. even if you say you know and understand how they feel, trust me, you don't. because, brenda, not everyone consumes the same amount of sugar. acknowledge your demons, take time to restart, sleep longer if you may.

[daylightfantasies]

I think I just fell in love with a barista.

It was an ordinary Monday morning, I kept on thinking of ways to adjust from the weekend. My face unmade, my closet just vomitted, and I’m already feeling tired for the rest of the week. Starving, my feet auto-piloted following the smell of the cafè.

“Hi, good morning!” “Hello!”

It was a good morning indeed. Walking towards a fresh face, with a fresh aura, topped with a level of enthusiasm I only see in teleseryes. I mean, the thought of an early Monday morning straight from a crazy weekend isn’t something to be excited about. But I thought, hey, why don’t I give back the energy thrown to my face? It’s free anyway.

I was so ready to spend a fortune on some fancy-ass bread + coffee combo thinking it could revert the vibe until I checked my wallet to see it trying to fight its way until payday. But no, I shook my head and murmured “whatever” under my breath of what seemed to be a prayer, and pretended I was the real queen that moment. Not that I wanted to “up” my morning and treat myself for no apparent reason, but I wanted to be noticed for how odd my order was no matter how mismatched it was.

I unconsciously spent what I have left for the next few days… not really sure how I’d survive. But rewarding myself with a good breakfast, sinking in the smell of morning coffee, and smothering myself on the best vibes no one could ever imagine, were the price I was willing the pay for.

Boiling. Brewing. Reheating.

“Water?” I stood still for a moment as I had to process what I just heard. Did my face manifest the exhaustion of somebody who just finished an ultramarathon? Like, I just ordered a venti, okay it may be a diuretic, but I thought I was okay with the hydration my mouth currently had to offer. Anyway, I’d ask for water if I need one. But then, a “Yes, please. Thanks.” came out of nowhere. Poof! I stood frozen, took what I was offered and smiled. You’re going to be watered, honey. Take what you deserve.

“Ang init sa Pinas, ‘no?”

Yes, random barista I just got attracted to. It is. Indeed.

Reserve an ice cold cup of water for me tomorrow after you get off work?

[saltedcaramelfries]

5 years back, friday and saturday nights were filled with friends, food, and alcohol, while compromising both rest and your overall health. too earthly for somebody who earns so little. even doubting to enter grad school then because i was anxious of not being able to hangout on fridays and feel so damn drained on saturdays. 5 years back, it was definitely the peak of our youth. meeting new people every week, getting your heart broken every single month, and getting sick every so often. at this time 5 years ago, my schedule was so full, i even had to wait for my alarm to go off just to rehydrate or to go on bio breaks. 5 years back, i was friends with everyone. minding how others feel and think about me. impressing people who do not know me. trapped in a tiny bubble of freedom and vanity. 5 years forward, it became a lot different. it surprisingly became a different world altogether: people missing out on dates, overlooked schedules, lets-catch-up-real-soon's every 6 months, friday and saturday nights at home, hangover-free sundays, lonely chat groups. 5 years forward, people found their own definition of peace. some reach out to you should they wish, and some shut you out otherwise. but that's the beauty of friendship, the people in our lives both 5 years back and 5 years forward are truly the ones who take up space. 5 years forward, we should all to learn to stop begging for attention. why? because we would always matter if we, indeed, matter. spare some seats on your wedding day. because come to think of it, 5 years forward isn't so bad after all. //ZSS

[daylightfantasies]

i would like to believe that i’m a natural-born storyteller… and i never get tired.

i could go from telling you that the bacon i had this morning was freakin’ awesome, to how nasty my commute was, and to what convinced me to purchase a pair of fiery red sneakers, even.

… and i swear, the stories never stop. it’s like giant basketballs atop each other. i have no idea how they ended like that but it’s all potential energy converted to kinetic, one tap at a time. one. story. after. the. other.

oh, so you like drunk stories? like how my ex dumped me over two bottles of smirnoff? or which of my hairdos scare the fudge out of strangers? or would you like to know if i really was a 5-pounder newborn baby?

i swear i could go on for hours until mr. sandman starts crawling under your eyelids and plants sleep.

and by 3:00 am, you gotta know what my passion is and where did it take me… you just got to. does my plan as to when to settle down and how do i want to raise my kids interest you? or does sharing about what i should do to make the remaining years of my life worthwhile, catches your attention?

i don’t think i’d ever get tired sharing my stories to the world. because you know, if it’s the only piece of me i could give out which never ever runs out, i wouldn’t exchange a big mouth for anything less tangible.

but yeah, i hate to admit that the truth is, my stories aren’t interesting enough to keep anyone listening for a good 5 minutes.

but will i ever stop sharing my stories? perhaps not. :) https://www.instagram.com/p/B4m5VOFBwRd/?igshid=1tw6fa5lwnvw8

[saltedcaramelfries]

when people go out their way for other people, what's in it for them? what's with other people for them to be moved as much? yes, we all deserve love, but it is pretty vague as to how much and up to what extent. for somebody who has a bad-to-mediocre personality, why do love and attention seem like such a luxury? are we not throwing too much love out there that it doesn't overflow and duplicate? how much do you really need to love yourself to make people notice that you are capable of love too? you see, that's the thing with people showing off a strong vibe. others assume they're too egocentric that there's no space for another human being in their lives. i'm not sure, but have we asked them if they find solitude zoning people out? or perhaps that's the only way they could make others feel that they're not such a burden to love, and that they need someone sturdy too? love is universal, yes. but sometimes it's too universal, that we never get our points across. //ZSS

[saltedcaramelfries]

if i die today, make a casket of beige and gold; make it light, let it awe the young and the old. hover it with sunflowers, healthy and bright; tie red ribbons around, thick and tight. if i die today, play music you remember me for; i like the classics, from soft jazz to rock and roll. play it on, make it loud, make it endless; as a musician, you know i like it careless. if i die today, serve plenty of good food; simplicity isn't key, i'd like a festive mood. everyone has to go home full and satisfied; and eventually forget that somebody has died. if i die today, there's one thing i'd ask mourners; remember that the rainbow has seven colors? i don't remember seeing black and gray; so hold it in, keep it together come what may. if i die today, make it short and sweet; but i don't want to get stuck underneath. let heat envelope my earthly skin and bones; so i could be carried around and never feel alone. if i die today, look after my loved ones for me; i could only watch them from afar for all eternity. love and take good care for them as much as i did; that's my last request whilst goodbye i bid.

[saltedcaramelfries]

‪when you want to keep your passion burning yet you don't want to die hungry, you develop resiliency.‬ ‪mine's seeing friends pave their way in the music industry while i'm still not sure if it's performing i fancy. even more clueless than curious at this point. ‪not complaining at all because needs > wants, but sometimes i wish there's an easier way of making things happen.

[saltedcaramelfries]

Rest now, little one; The world is less cruel when you close your eyes. Feel the warmth of your breath as it soothes your skin; Relax your fist, put on that grin. Rest now, little one; Lie down, count all the sheeps you see. Do they leap over a fence? Do they pass through a wooden gate? Think free, think tall, run after them, it's never too late. Rest now, little one; Life happens day by day. Existence carries on normally as it should; But try to stay awake, be everyone you wish to be if you could. Rest now, little one; You deserve sleep. Rest now, little one; Because in this shallow lifetime, it's purpose you keep.

[saltedcaramelfries]

041919.1218H

i beg to disagree that we, the youth of today, wanted to do so much than our times and resources can afford. the truth is, we only want to do ONE thing for the rest of our lives. they just seem to appear multiple because out of the five things we do simultaneously, four are things we do for other people. i'm not saying it's bad. it only becomes too much when we had to give up our identity, give up that one thing to attend to the four. clichè, but i plead everyone to follow their hearts. regardless whether or not people are pleased, they would always have something to say. and at the end of the day, what's left is YOU.