secrets

[saltwatersleeps]

well, there it is. you're happy, which is all I ever wanted. so I'm happy for you. I love you, you know. but now I want to die. so if the universe could speed that up a little bit, i would appreciate it.

[saltwatersleeps]

Exhausted. It's hard without you, and even harder with you.

[saltwatersleeps]

October 26, 2017 Sometimes I'm okay, sometimes I think about you using hanging out where we used to with someone who isn't me, and it makes my stomach turn over. Sometimes I think that this feeling is a gift I'm giving to you.

[saltwatersleeps]

October 23, 2017 I only pretended to be disappointed I couldn't come to see you. I can't come see you, when I'm smelling of regret and misery and pining. I can't come see you, looking like a bruise. I'm transparent. People will know I am sitting on my hands, trying not to reach out for yours.

[saltwatersleeps]

October 20, 2017

the reason why people can’t figure out if I am fully anxious or calm in dire situations is because of this: when I know that there is absolutely nothing to be done, I can let it all go and wait, because I know it’s all in the air. But if there is the smallest chance that there is something I can do to change the outcome, I turn into a feeling vibrating, itching in my skin. And this is why i don’t know what to do over us, because I just don’t know if there is still something left to do, or none at all.

[saltwatersleeps]

a haiku on the perils of social media

you post on stories looking super attractive I drink some more wine

[saltwatersleeps]

October 11, 2017

maybe this is too difficult because I’m still trying to leave space for you in my life. maybe I should work really hard on changing my routine, filling my days, finding someone else to kiss.

[saltwatersleeps]

October 5, 2017

some days I wake up to a sinking feeling and I cry. over you. who knew, five years ago, that I would spend months crying over you? I’m infuriated and exasperated and tired of all this crying over you, and still I do.

[saltwatersleeps]

October 3, 2017

I don't recognize any familiar landmarks anymore. Does that mean I should go? I want to find another life. I want to find a different skin. I want to not feel lost when I think about you. I want this to be over.

[saltwatersleeps]

September 21, 2017

“but we always say hi when we wake up,” you say. I am startled. we haven’t done that in a while. and that’s definitely not a thing I should do, not when you’re seeing someone else. but I sigh and say okay. because of course. you are my every exception to every rule.

[saltwatersleeps]

September 20, 2017

it’s funny, I’m not obsessing over this, or at least, not the way I used to. I don’t even have the urge to know about the girl you’re dating now. I don’t even feel like checking. I’m not thinking of her hands on you, or how you kiss her.

all I can seem to do is think about how and where we went wrong, and I don’t know how to wrench my heart out of this dark place in the past I’ve somehow left it in. I just want to move on.

[saltwatersleeps]

September 17, 2017

it's strange, i guess, because i never planned past this part. i never really thought we would be apart for real. and now i am a house full of bees, itching skin, waiting for you to come back. i know you won't. you are everything good. you are kind, hardworking, gentle, patient, and sweet. you are poetic, sensitive, whip-smart, and loyal. 

i think, what if you were the only one who could ever love me? know me? take the real, broken, messy me, and love it all? you will go into the world finding all good things and I will be a house full of bees.

[saltwatersleeps]

September 15, 2017

you said you were seeing someone new today. oddly, it hurt less than I thought, and also more than I thought. I’m thankful you’re happy. I’m proud of you. I love you.

[saltwatersleeps]

July 16, 2017

and when I say I miss you and you say nothing back and my heart is broken

[saltwatersleeps]

July 6, 2017

When we first broke up, you would still ask about my day and make plans, and now you don’t. I understand. I really do. I’m not dumb, but I sure do feel like a fool, missing you this much.

[saltwatersleeps]

Our friends T and B got together again after seven years. Did they have to wait that long to get to this moment? Will we? I miss us but I still know, deep down, we need this time apart. Only, it hurts so much, and I hate that you aren’t mine. Seven years, huh? I guess I’ll have to buckle down and take it.

[saltwatersleeps]

July 22, 2017

What things?, I think. The good things? Like how you love me, or how you miss me, or how I’m still your best friend? Or is it the other things? Is it hard to ask how I’m doing? How I’m feeling?

Are you starting to feel like it’s nothing? Like you’re fine? Like we’re fine?