Sam's Journal

✞ Forever discovering my identity in Christ  ✇  Film ∦ Photography ∦ Adventure

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Journal Entry ∦ 29 June 6th, 2:24 A.M. Things Did Not Go As Planned __________________ I got fired... from a coffee shop... at twenty-four years old... It’s as if I invite this conflict and failure into my life so I can believe I’ve had it hard but these things keep happening because of my character. Who I am and who I am supposed to be keep colliding to cause devastation within my life. ___ I had a plan, I believed I was where I should be, a company I wanted to grow with and better myself through. I can promise myself I had the right mindset through it. But then, it was brought to my attention after six months that people were uncomfortable with my presence and more specifically my continuous mentioning of God as a factor within my existence. This seems to be the story of my life, oh I also was said to be too touchy towards the other men, what a combo. ___ At this point I began walking on eggshells to be sure I didn’t break the yoke that was someone else’s comfortability, denying the fact that mine was compromised. “I didn’t want to let go.” Is what my mom told me, and she was absolutely right. Letting go was the same as failure to me, so I couldn’t. But the company could. ___ The two hours after the company cut its ties with me were filled with thoughts of things that kept me from closure. “I didn’t get to say goodbye. Should I have kept my mouth shut? Why did I do that? This is entirely my fault.” These ideas latched on to me, held me underwater, put a plastic bag over my head, and I couldn’t breathe. I was suffocated by my own thoughts of inadequacy... Then I received a call. ___ “Hey Sam, you’ve been doing great work on these videos, I have eight more I’d like your help in creating.” ___ I can’t express how baffled this left me. I had to realize that who I am is important to me, and that I want to live a life where I get to be the Sam I love. If that’s all that I was supposed to realize through this job, I’m glad things didn’t go as planned. ___ #loveyourself #journal #perspective #myjourney #theprocess #Godsplan (at Kennewick, Washington) https://www.instagram.com/p/ByXUjLxnAA9/?igshid=caycfob8w1ec

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Journal Entry ∦ 7 Nov. 2nd 12:49 A.M.

Victory

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I have consistently looked for success in all that I do. What I have found is that most of the time winning or becoming well seasoned in any task usually doesn’t pay off the way you expect it to. With victory usually, only more responsibility comes so you have to be okay with that... and Sam you haven’t been.

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In baseball, you sucked for many years, were made fun of, and then became a little more than halfway decent in high school. You had all the opportunities coming your way but decided school wasn’t important so you let the opportunities fade into the distance.

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You began bible college and left community college because you felt it was right. You loved hearing what people thought of you and how you’d make an excellent pastor but when push came to shove, you wouldn’t write your one ten page essay per month.

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Then you went back to community college, wasted your parents and your own money because you wouldn’t ever take the classes seriously. Then even getting a job that paid you ridiculously well you squandered your wealth on things that had no meaning and ran up a debt you are still paying off.

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Sam the victory you seek has consistently led you down a path of good opportunities that you yourself have wasted.... but luckily that was all in God’s plan. You may have messed up over and over again BUT GOD has made a way for new opportunities, new growth, new responsibilities. Just put your head down and get to work and love the responsibility you’ve been given. Because, if God trusts you... you can trust yourself.

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Journal Entry ∦ 6 Oct. 23rd 10:16 A.M.

Depression

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Depression comes in many forms Sam, to some it’s an overwhelming sadness that overtakes all you do, to others it’s the inability to even do anything because you can’t see the point. But to you, to you Sam, it’s the fear of never being good enough and dying with regret.

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I know this is a lot to handle, I know it doesn’t make sense because you’re always smiling, and I know it doesn’t seem dangerous because it doesn’t make you want to kill yourself... but it is.

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It’s dangerous because you’re being held back by grief that doesn’t exist, you are shutting yourself down to others because you think they see the same as you, disappointment.

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It’s time to realize the person God made isn’t one that should be depressed because of things that no one else thinks. You have put this in your head and you can take it out, you are good enough, you have a purpose, and you will not die with regret.

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You love the people around you, they lift you up and never judge you because they see the true you. A man that has decided to follow God with his whole heart so that he himself can discover who he is. Sam, you’re amazing and it’s time to act like it, I love you.

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Journal Entry ∦ 5 Oct. 15th 5:10 P.M.

Consistency

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When I was young I remember moving a lot, my mom was only fourteen years old when she had me so it inevitably meant we were growing up together. In doing so we had a new place to live every few years and this created an inconsistency in me.

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When you move so much you make friends and leave, you set up your room the way you like then tear it down, you go to a new school for one year then another the next. This was all before high school but still I developed some bad habits from this.

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I became used to starting something and never following through with it, never finishing it. Friendships all fade so there isn’t any reason to invest more of your time then need be, House and apartments are all temporary so why make them the way you truly like it, and I’m only at this school for a year so my grades and homework here are whatever.

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This mindset has stuck with me subconsciously without me realizing it. It’s a poison in my life and above all else, it’s incorrect thinking. It’s hard for me to be the friend I should be, it’s difficult to continuously stay on a good workout schedule, and God knows I can’t save money the way I should be.

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Speaking of God my relationship with Him struggles, because I find myself one day really wanting to know Him and the next acting like He isn’t there. Inconsistency has plagued my life for too long, I want more from myself I want to finish something.

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So Sam make the choice to follow through on promises to friends, care about your body and what you eat, spend more of your morning with God then sleeping, and really be the man you want to be, be consistent.

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Journal Entry ∦ 4 Oct. 10th 4:10 P.M.

Relationship’s

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When I was a kid I remember every Thanksgiving going to my great Grandparents house, known to me as Papap and Nonnie. They had been together for more than fifty years at the time and I remember from the age of 7 that I wanted that. A happily ever after that even death couldn’t take away.

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Then I saw my mom and soon to be real father get together when I was ten. Seeing these two brought all the joy in the world to a child who had never seen his mom in love before. I had seen my great grandparents after they had spent a lifetime together but for my mom and dad, I was able to witness the love story.

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I’m a hopeless romantic, I want to have a relationship that reminds people of a movie, something that seems it could only exist in a fictional story. I’ve had many relationships but only two of which were serious, in both of these I failed as a boyfriend in many ways.

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For a man that has been wishing for a relationship made for film, I tend to be my own worst enemy. Always believing there is something better so not taking pleasure or treating the women with the respect they deserve. What does this mean for me?

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It means that I need to step back from relationships, I need to abandon them, I need to say goodbye. The woman I want to love so deeply can’t be loved by me because I’m not happy with myself. I’m not happy with who I am... no... I don’t know who I am. How can I expect her to fall in love with someone she doesn’t know. Sam, find yourself before trying to find love.

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Journal Entry ∦ 3 Oct. 5th 7:18 P.M.

Believe in the Impossible

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I feel that most people get into the habit of being told no. As kid’s we are raised to stop when we are told to and when we ask for things most often told no.

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I understand that this is the process and I’m okay with that, we shouldn’t be spoiled as children and get whatever we want because that isn’t how life works. But, as we get older we should move past the childish things and go after what we want and never settle.

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Life is going to tell you no, it will tell you to stop trying, it will say that it is impossible. You aren’t able to accomplish it because no one else has and no one ever will.

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Don’t believe the lies of life, don’t believe the no’s, and do not believe that you can’t. Even the word impossible has possible in it, so if this word can find a way to defy its own meaning so can you.

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Sam today’s just another day to change yourself and the world around you. So just find a way to tell life that it can tell you no some other time in another life, today’s a yes.

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Journal Entry ∦ 2 Oct. 4th 10:37 A.M.

Testing Yourself

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Everyday there is a new opportunity to test yourself. Whether it’s in the way you react to something someone says, facing a fear of yours, or just being productive when you have the choice to be lazy.

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Most often I found myself choosing to make the decision that made life easier on myself. Because life’s hard enough, why make it more difficult through a choice of your own?

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This was until I decided to sit on the edge of a 150 foot cliff, no this isn’t it in the picture but I was still pretty high. Doing this was difficult, terrifying, crazy, and more than anything... fulfilling. I’d spent most of my life scared of getting close to the edge of anything that had a near death vibe. Then a thought came into my mind which I had heard before.

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“I’d rather live life than fear death.”

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Testing your limits and making the more difficult choice isn’t something you should avoid Sam. These decisions could actually be the very things that make your life worth living.

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Journal Entry ∦ 1 Oct. 4th 12:51 A.M.

A new beginning

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My name’s Sam and this is my journal, in case you couldn’t tell from the name of the page. Most of my life has led me to new opportunities, new people, and new locations. I’ve always found starting fresh or anew is difficult, most people see it as a weight off of their shoulders but I’ve always seen it as my past waiting to pounce on my present.

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As if no matter how far away I may get from who I was I can’t escape it. I was right, you can’t escape your past, you can only claim it and decide it’s no longer in charge of your life anymore.

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So if you’re craving something new, if you want more for yourself, or just the ability to move forward stop trying to escape Sam, because you’re only running backwards.

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Welcome to my journal, here’s to new beginnings.

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