Sam Ock @samuelock - Tumblr Blog

Posts

Dear Sam, what helps you get through really hard and tough times? Did you ever have a time in your life when you rebelled by not spending time with God? I am in one of the hardest seasons of my life, and I feel so lost. I don't want to go to God even though I know He is the answer. I am so hurt and disappointed right now.

I could give you the "correct" answer, which is to keep trying and not give up, but I'd be lying to you if I said that I do that. I don't. I do the same thing as you. My natural inclination is to give up, to withdraw, to lose hope. Honestly, I can't though... I'm a husband. I need to eat and have a roof over my head. I can't just stop. I feel like most times I hang on to hope by a thread. I don't even know if I try to hold my faith up these days, I think really the thing that keeps me hoping in a future where Jesus reigns and makes all things new is BECAUSE the current state of this world is such an emotional, physical and spiritual dumpster fire, BECAUSE life is so hard... getting out of bed is so hard... doing work is so hard... even just enjoying life is so hard. I really hope that there is something better than this.

I have been audacious to our Father when I do pray. I pray to him, "You're the one who will save me. You're the one who will keep me. You're the one who can help me. You're the one who can keep me from falling. So do it. Be who You are. Save me. Keep me. Help me. Keep me from falling."

The thing I keep trying to do is to regularly be around other Jesus followers, even if I don't want to. That's about it honestly. My disciplines will fail. My resolve will fail, but the one thing I can try and control is trying to be around other people who are like me, who want to believe in Jesus but also just survive this life.

"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching." - Hebrews 10:25

Sometimes we need others to carry us, and that's not a bad thing. Ask God for help. Ask others whom you trust (hopefully you have some of those, if not, I pray for some of those for you) to help you. There's not much else we can do except just try to take the next small tiny minuscule step.

I feel for you. Know that you're not alone in your feelings. Life is really really really hard sometimes...

How did you discover that making music for God was your calling?

I don't know if it's a calling, but it is a gift that I have been given.

I hope just to steward the gift well. It is my way of connecting with my God who doesn't speak to me with a voice, but with pages of Holy Book and melodies. I'm okay if making music is not a career, but I know that if he gives me a song to sing or a lyric to write or a note to record, I will do it to the best of my ability.

Hi, it's been a rough time for me and I stumbled upon your song "this side of eternity". I'm wondering what was your process of writing this song? Wondering how the lyrics came together, why and how this song came about. I don't quite know how to put it in words but the lyrics to this song really... it has been my only time of "peace" while listening to this song. Thank you

Thanks. I tend towards depressive thoughts in general.

I was in a dark place when I wrote that song, which is not unusual for me. I go through seasons of dark, melancholy, and then a peaceful joy (rarely though). Mainly my seasons are dark and melancholy. I don't want to be that way... but then again do I want to be that way?? Maybe it's more comforting to feel sadness than to be happy.

But through all of it, I want to have hope. I want to try to have hope, because I am the kind of person who will go to a very dark place if I don't have hope.

I constantly felt like I wasn't enough. I wasn't enough for my family, for my wife, for the people around me, and mainly, I wasn't enough for myself. I felt so flawed, so deeply flawed.

When I feel that way, I long for death. I long for relief. I long for refuge and safety. I long for peace, a peace that I have doubted would ever come. It felt like I was in a long and lonely night in which the sun would never rise again.

I just sat and started playing the piano line. The song really came together quite quickly. I believe that it was a combination of divine inspiration and also a lot of strong emotions coming out. I don't think my lyrics are super poetic. I've tried to grow in that over the years, as I've received some criticism that my lyrics are too direct. But this one felt like it needed to be as raw and direct as possible, even unpoetic if you will. I think maybe in the deepest moments of feeling, even the unpoetic has beauty in it, maybe that is the essence of humanity, to exist in a certain place and not try to cover it up, but to let it be what it is.

The song is a cry of longing, that maybe on the other side of eternity, I will have that peace. That I will have that joy. That I will finally feel like I am enough, and that I am loved. It's a song for my hope in God, that there is a Savior in Jesus, that on His side of eternity, all things will be made new and that there will be peace. But in the meantime, This Side of Eternity that I am on feels long.

I am glad that the song served as a moment of peace for you. I can't ask for anything more. God bless.

sheeeeeesh

hello hello hello. i think my 20 year old self would look at my 31 year old self and think "how did i become so... nebulous? i look at my 20 year old self and think, "why did i want everything to be so black and white?" i think the difference between then and now is that i have faced a lot of my fears. my fear of God. my fear of men. my fear of the unknown. my fear of failure. my fear of my parents. my fear of the future. my fear of losing control. my fear of my own vices. my fear of myself. i think growing into maturity is learning to face all my fears head on. it's seriously the most terrifying thing to do. learning to be content in all moments of life is the most terrifying thing to do, because it means that i must accept in all moments that i don't need to be in as much control as i think i do. i think that i'm at the point now where i'm mostly okay. i'm okay with not being 100% sure about anything. i'm okay with failing. i hope so at least. i'm okay with not knowing what to do and the responsibility still being on my shoulders, even if it means i fail in the end. i'm okay with being seen as a failure, as a wash-up, as a fool, etc. or rather, i'm okay with however people choose to see me. even my parents. even my wife. even myself. hopefully even my future children, but i guess we'll see if or when i cross that bridge. i'm okay with living each day, and feeling 100% of it, no matter what that feeling is. i have accepted that i choose to define my own worth by what God says about me over anything else. and now, the older that i get i realize how much that doesn't fit with how this world works. that part is tiresome, but maybe that's just how it's supposed to be. i don't know what i would call myself at this point... a pessimist? a fatalist? a realist? a nihilist? hopeful? optimistic? all of the above? none of the above? does it even matter? maybe it does matter. i think it matters. tl;dr-- maybe i should just buy a house in the country and live my quiet and content life there until i die lol. jk. ok, i will blog again in another year or so probably. time to read my old posts and cringe at myself.

thought vomit for the pandemic season

this season of "isolation" has allowed me along with everyone else to be forced to either distract as much as possible or inevitably face the deepest things hidden within my heart. i'm at the point where i am deeply aware that any attempt at this point to go on social media or any streaming site is an attempt to fill a hole that i know can't be filled. media, the internet, even stories all feel like a drug that i'm dependent on but gives me no pleasure, no high, it just a crutch to pass the time. i know that i am resorting to these options to feel numb. but feel numb from what? maybe that i just feel numb period. that i'm not okay with feeling this way, so... lukewarm... so... discontent?? so... worthless?? i don't know what i'm feeling, which is why i'm writing this to clarify myself. i have a utopian definition of the word "peace," at least for the "peace" i've wanted to experience in my life. what would this utopia of "peace" look like? feeling free. feeling joyful. feeling purposeful. feeling fulfilled. feeling content. i guess if i were to paint a picture, it would look like me waking up feeling refreshed, hopeful and light-- that this lightness would carry on into my work and into the various rhythms of the week. i think the key word is "lightness" or "easiness." i want my life to feel easy. i want my life to BE easy. this lightness feels non-existent. i never feel light. i feel heavy. i feel burdened. i feel pressure. i feel stress. i feel like imploding. and the crazy thing is, i'm STILL not doing as much as i know that social media would tell me that i should be doing. i cast all my cares upon the LORD. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. i can TRUST that, but i certainly don't FEEL that. and maybe this is the taste of the cursed fruit. maybe this is what it feels like to work the ground with my blood and sweat. i hate it. i hate how hard it is to drudge along with life daily. my soul longs for eternal relief, relief that i know will only truly come once my life comes to an end. i know that it will get a little better, bit by bit as life goes on and as i get older. this is something i have learned in counseling and from wisdom from elders, but man oh man does the journey feel grueling and long right now. i'm thankful that i'm not alone but wow y'all, why is the "simple" act of living so hard like for real?? maybe it's because living actually isn't simple... it's hard. maybe because existence itself IS a burden because of the curse of the fall. and again...my privileged life isn't even that hard in comparison to so many! i long to feel the lightness, for it to consume my inner being and lift me up. i want it to be my savior. i want it so bad that i worship it even though i know that it also won't save me in the end. this must be the incredible burden that God felt in becoming man. i am glad that He understands. i am glad that this heaviness that i feel lets me connect more deeply with my Savior, but man is it hard. all of this to say that you are not alone. i feel you. don't give up. don't lose hope. don't give up your faith. keep pressing on. i don't know when it will end, but i hope for the day that we will feel this "easiness" together.

I think lowly of my natural state. Lazy. Unproductive. Idle. Impulsive. Reclusive.

I think my natural state is a disease I cannot let infect me—but I’m always afraid that it will, that the world will finally see that I’m an imposter covering up the natural self that is leaking out of the holes in my lifestyle.

I know that I am redeemed, but really what does that mean for someone like me? I can’t do nothing. I can’t stop doing what I know I’m supposed to do... but this tension of effort in a resistant body feels so burdensome. To live feels burdensome. What does it mean for me to be redeemed? For life to no longer feel burdensome? Or for me to cast those cares unto God daily until I die?

I can’t “systems” my way out of this feeling. I can’t just “perspective shift” and all of a sudden feel energized and optimistic. But I also know that I can’t just stop and let the emotions eat me alive.

So here I am, just waiting. And maybe that’s all I am supposed to do. Wait.

To wait for the joy of the Lord to be my strength.

hey

i was looking back at old highschool pictures and it's strange to see how the people who were once my entire world have become complete strangers. i don't think about them even once in a day. i don't consider what i meant to them at all. these people were my life for a season, my community, my friends, a part of who i was. that part of my heart has drifted into the past. what has become of that part of sam? what emotions are left there? as i recall those memories, i can't remember anything but feelings. vague emotions of fun, joy, fear, desire, longing, pain and heartbreak. i am afraid to ever see those people again. i am afraid that when i see them, that our relationship is nothing more than a vague recalling of a suggestion of emotion that doesn't mean anything anymore. did i mean something? am i more than just a memory? i wonder what the feature will make of my memories now. maybe this is all just a reminder that it's important to be present today, to live fully appreciating the moment for what it is, but not being so far gone into it that this moment is my only reason for existence-- this moment too, will become an impression, a memory that i will need to recall at some later time. eternity makes everything feel so small. but i hope in the fact that i will be able to remember and feel it all in glory. see ya.

Farewell, AMP

You were my dream, my magnum opus. I poured all of my ideals of music, ministry and beauty into you. Today is how far you will go.

It is time to say goodbye.

I am tempted to be angry at the circumstance of life, that you were just not meant to happen, that you were not wanted by people, that I wasn’t good or strong or smart enough to keep you going, that all of my dreams and ideals amounted to a legacy that I had to watch come to an end.

I still mourn over your end, I grieve the loss of being able to continue such an amazing work. I am afraid of a future without you. I many times don’t even know who I am because you were part of my life for such a long time. I know that God has something better in his plan, but I really am afraid every step of this journey and am forced to trust in my only hope, Jesus.

It hurts to say goodbye, but I must say goodbye. I will miss you. I will weep over you. I will grieve not having you. I will long for you.

But now is the time to move on and say goodbye.

Farewell, AMP.

only thing.

Literally the only thing we every really need to do is enjoy God. Why is that so hard??? Lol.

is it worth

My pain. My voice. The process of internalizing life and allowing the feelings to materialize into melody and song. The hours of heart, mind, soul, strength and resources poured into making my inner world a tangible reality of sound. My dream of giving people a space to process the depths of their souls through the mirror of music.

Is worth $.006/stream on Spotify.

I know my worth is in Christ. This still hurts.

both

some are blessed to be confident in themselves, their beliefs, the truth, and lack consideration for others. some are blessed to be considerate, patient, tender, and lack the ability to stand under pressure. rare is the combination of the two. Yet we have Jesus, who was wholly both, without the negatives.

walk

the Word says that i have the Spirit of the Living God in me. this means that i can always get back up and keep walking. you can always get back up and keep walking.

unwanted

Maybe my Father is disciplining me. because He loves me. because He wants me to be pure. because He wants me to be holy. because He's preparing me for something better. I know that He loves me. I know that He gave his Son to call me His own. I know that He is glorifying himself in me. I know that He remembers me and is pleased with me by His Son. I know He is with me. but I think... that I just feel unwanted.

Hi Sam, I was wondering have you ever thought about joining a record label/company?

Yes. I would take an offer if it seemed to further the goal of creating the best art I can. I have come to believe that my music belongs to everyone, as a gift. I don’t care so much about owning the rights or being copied anymore. But yes, I would join a record label.

The most counter-cultural thing,

Is to be content.

when it's said and done

i will see the Son

i will see your lovely face

when it's said and done

overexposed

I keep on sinking into a cycle of forgetfulness.

Forgetting the faithfulness of God, forgetting his love, forgetting who I am in him.

Is it really forgetting? Or choosing to change my memories? Memory modification is a prideful catharsis, protecting my heart from hope, trust, and expectations that can be destroyed.

I feel reduced to a shell of my former being. Or maybe this shell is who I really am when all of my “compensations” are taken away, when all the places that I usually hide are now exposed in the light. The body of death that my redeemed soul is trapped inside.

I feel cynical, weak, unable.

Everyday is a fight for joy.

Is it better...to be shown as a weak and weary fool in the light, or to live in a lie of personal strength?

Maybe the light is better. Of course it’s better. But it hurts so much. It hurts like I’ve never hurt before.

So if you feel the same, I’m with you.

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

Sam Ock