Daughter of the East

Do not follow me, for I am lost too.

[sanatoriumyouth]

special achievements: making my therapist cry

[sanatoriumyouth]

I won’t tell you I miss you. I don’t miss your sad voice and your freckles underneath your makeup and your gentle eyes behind the glasses. I don’t miss those afternoons when I could just sit there beside you and know I’ll be alright. I don’t miss the sadness that connected us because none of us knew happiness too well. But in the end I saw a glimpse of it or what it could be if … you saw it too. And you didn’t, even after I told you about it. So I won’t tell you I miss you because if I do I will never be able to stop missing you.

A message to you I will never send

(via

sanatoriumyouth

)

Wow deep as fuck

(via thatseparateworld)

thank you

[sanatoriumyouth]

A pocket size diary and a pack of cigarettes in the drawer of my nightstand. Strangely calming, strangely addicting; Daydreams turn into dreams Fears into nightmares; I cannot decide if I like writing poetry at 4 am.

it’s like getting your ears pierced, the earlier in life you do it the less it hurts. I missed it (the right time)

[sanatoriumyouth]

And I realized. I will never hold your hand. Or gently put your hair behind your ear. Or touch your face; your pretty angel face. I will never sit next to you on a bus and absentmindedly brush your hand with the back of mine. I will never look deep into your eyes to find mine there.

I still see you on my closed eyelids

[sanatoriumyouth]

These feelings stirring inside my chest and I cannot forget how it was the last time I was in love. Sweeter and then bitter, and now I know the bitter part is coming soon and I cannot enjoy the sweet at all.

[sanatoriumyouth]

And I still have a heart full of hope and a soul full of forgotten regrets that are screaming for my attention, yet I am burning, burning with high flame and pouring oil into my veins to light a massive firework,exploding my body and my head till there is nothing left but the need to breath, take the next breath and then the next and with the next one I'm ready to feel alive again.

[sanatoriumyouth]

Punching the air, falling on the ground and getting up again. I will get up after this fall too. But only after scratching my knees and my heart which will burn to the ground again so I will have to bath in its black smoke and black coal and be reborn, be reborn tougher, stronger, sicker, brighter, madder, bolder, fighter.

[sanatoriumyouth]

Sometimes you just gotta clutch your chest tight where it hurts, lie down in a silent room and wait for tears to flow on their own, without holding back, just falling down

[sanatoriumyouth]

So when you ask me, what do I want? I want everything and anything. Anything at all. What do I expect? Nothing. Nothing at all.

empty expectations, the worst pain of them all

[sanatoriumyouth]

Not to lose my head in your presence is priority right now. What can I do what can I say. Hey. Everything alright? And you will say Yes. You sure. Yea just a little tired you will say and look innocent as fuck. And then I honest to god won't know what to say because you defeated me from day 1 we were together-

[sanatoriumyouth]

I'm but an empty vessel and she's a rainbow dressed in black with a golden crown and infinite magic in her fingers

[sanatoriumyouth]

Being lonely with someone else is better than being lonely alone

figuring out life

[sanatoriumyouth]

last search results

[sanatoriumyouth]

You should have seen me, crying and laughing at once, hysterically, while my chest hurt like nothing before

[sanatoriumyouth]

I know what you're thinking. What the voice is saying is what my subconsciousness is trying to tell me in my mother's voice. It has been always loud enough for me to hear it I just didn't listen. This time I'm listening. And I will always be listening to my guardian angel in full armor guiding me home. And I will always be myself; my tired, confused and slightly anti-social self. Floating in this weird body, ready to separate it from the self. But we both know what you dream of. Please don't cry. You are already enough.

Letters to my 18 year old self part I

[sanatoriumyouth]

AU where you love me the way I love you

[sanatoriumyouth]

Today you held my hand and I felt nothing

the death of a love; a haiku