This past summer, I had the blessing to be a part of the San Francisco Summer Project. Personally, I desired to reinforce my faith, to ground myself more in the Father’s love, and to understand what it means to know myself in Christ. Little did I know these hopes would challenge me into questioning my faith, struggle through resurfacing conflicts of my past, convict me of my tendencies towards conflict, and to identify how I view my relationship with Christ. It is through the numerous trials during and after project that I have grown to realize I need Christ more and more everyday.
I bring up many points of difficulty because of a heavy conviction that God placed on my heart-I am a broken person. I have known this for a long time, even before I accepted Christ into my life. But what struck me as profound was the extent of my brokenness and how I sought to satisfy my brokenness. I wanted happiness only to find contentedness in my deeds with a craving to minister more. I wanted to feel purposed only to find that my gifts and abilities had failed me and even kept from me serving those I loved. What I desired was good; I wanted to serve others, but my motivations were founded upon self-gratification, self-fulfillment, and a fear of not feeling otherwise. As a pastor preached on,“It is easy to fall in love with ministry.”This is exactly what happened to me. I started viewing ministry as works forgetting why I engaged in these activities. I forgot about my love for Christ. Or rather it was this, I forgot about Christ’s love for me.
Upon encountering those motivations, I plunged myself into prayer. I asked God, “If my gifts were given by you, how can they not be utilized for your glory?” I asked God yet another question, “If you love these people so much, am I not the one to you have sent to love them?” Indeed, these were true.They were questions that God wanted me to ask to guide me back to where He wanted me- face to face with the Father, the King, the Savior.
Nowadays, I am back at home and things are very different. I face God everyday: every morning and every night. Each time, I am reminded of His abounding love and Christ’s light in me. My vision has changed dramatically. I was so foolish to have such selfish goals despite desiring righteousness. But now, I remember my flaws. I remember my gifts. And I remember whom I am serving. Remembering those things has shaped me. This is the Gospel.
- See more at: http://www.epicmovement.com/brilliance-in-it-all/#sthash.krPEOeBl.dpuf
It seems simple enough. A group of people who act like a family. But what is the purpose of the family? What is it that it does? This is where I tell you about the single most greatest blessing I received from project: the concept of an accountability group.
I will begin this by saying that this group is not perfect. We have our flaws. We are a group of broken people. We are busy with our own lives. We are in need of something greater beyond ourselves. This is where we come together to serve each other. Though this group was formed primarily to serve me and to encourage me through the trials I face in regard to our purpose as a group, this group is an environment of inspiration, one of dire faith, and one constituting one's own ability, my own ability, to follow in my claims and the convictions God has placed on my heart. It is an environment where faith can be fostered and a place where I am being served while serving my brothers and sisters within this group. This group is not mine, but this group is the Lord's to do as He pleases.
We may fail one another. I know I have certainly failed them at times, at least some of the individuals themselves. I know I am not the best person, and I convince myself that I am not worth praying about. And yet, here these people are reading my updates, reading my words, reading about my struggles, reading about my joys, reading about my life! and they do not shy away. They welcome me, they cheer me on, they show me love and grace. This group has helped me grow in magnificent ways, and I see that they too are growing.
I am unable to express the gratitude I feel towards these individuals. It is through this group I have developed a motivation for prolonged and intensive introspection. I have discovered much about myself this past month. Academics, passion, ministry, family, friends, my condition, my faith, the very foundation of my life, I have question so much of it trying to know more about who I am in Christ, who I am created to be, and what purpose I have on this world. I am questioning more and more and being left unsatisfied with the answers, and yet finding myself at a loss for words when I think back to the Gospel. You see, this group challenges me to push forward. It is through them I hear much of what God is trying to tell me. And I see the path He has set before me. I just need to be faithful and follow it.
Long has it been since the days in San Francisco. Can you believe it? One month I have been gone and that is one month of struggling to get back into this mindset of being home, being in the city of Austin, being in this place that feels so foreign, it is truly an exile. (Post reference)
In this post, I comment on two more large things I have learned throughout project and from my conversations post-project- Condition of the City and Oikos.
It's amazing how we look at the city. It brings marvels into the world, it is full of towering, beautiful architectural feats, full of diversity, and really speaks of the glory of God and just the small amount of awesomeness that is His kingdom in heaven. Yet, the city is a place of those crying out to be helped, areas of filth and degradation, an epicenter for greed and corruption, the city houses so many broken people where it is evident and clear that something needs to be done.
So many people choose to move away from the city. Why? One point I would mention is just this, our condition. We are a society of broken people. In being one with such a body, it is acknowledged the brokenness inherent in each one of us. When I see a homeless man, my heart breaks for this man could be me, this man whose needs seems to not be provided. How can I move along thinking, oh that is them and this is me. No! How can I be so selfish!?! As one body, I cannot reject another for his misfortunes. These misfortunes are very much my own.
So it is with this mentality that I approach the topic of oikos, not the Greek yogurt, but the Greek word for 'household'. But this idea of household is much more broad than one may think. This can better be interpreted as neighbors. Oikos refers to the people who you 'rub shoulders with', those you see often riding on the bus as I am now, those who you sit next to in church, those you sit next to in class, those you walk by during a passing period, people you see frequenting a room, those you have clear opportunities to have a conversation with.
I have always felt it to be an amazing miracle to recognize faces we once passed by in the past. The fact we were given abilities to remember the people around us, to see faces and suddenly shine acknowledging their presence, for what seems to be an opportunity to talk with these individuals is such a privilege. There are so many people in this world, and yet we feign our care for all these things. We do this in hopes to show good intention, to show that we are concerned for these things. But we are incapable of showing such artificial love. What is needed of us is to trust in the power of the Gospel. What is required is the Gospel, a Gospel that can change, that has sovereignty, that has love. We cannot hope to change others, much less target groups, without love based in faith in the truths the Lord has promised. It is this that spurs an evangelist. It is this that gives our work purpose and the hope that is in the Lord.
Now, it's amazing to recognize how the city is bound together through the identity of our Creator. As a body, we are the connected to one another, connected through the various people we see everyday, by the people we interact with, by the people we love. There is something greater happening around us for He is present in all our lives. He is present in the work we do, in our walk, in our wake, in our conscious. Through these many networks, we see the world as a place of broken people, but redeemed in the love of Christ.
For this, I have moved forward. I have taken steps towards a greater mission that Christ has given me. My time here is short, but the work He has given me will affect eternity. His Gospel is truth. His Gospel is power. His Gospel is life. And through the decisions this work, the repercussions of my actions will affect the generations after.
The time after project has been one of reflection. So much has happened, both during and after project, and the things I have rediscovered and learned have really helped to liven up my thoughts. Slowly, I am remembering more and more of His promises through the conversations I have with my friends, the Gospels I have begun to reread, and the notes I have taken from throughout project. Indeed, there are 5 major things I would like to highlight during this time; 2 of those things in this post, 2 more the next day, and finally 1 last topic that has really touched my heart. I hope these thoughts and reflections can be daily reminders for everyone as we continue to live our lives as Christians. God is always by us; God is always witness to us; God is well pleased with us.
For today:
Reconciliation
Freedom
During project, reconciliation was something that was unavoidable, more properly worded as necessary. In living with the individuals within project, the need for conflict resolution occurred frequently for the sake of the team, for the project's health. Even more than that, the relationships that were built upon from reconciling was what truly brought light to the project. Deep bonds through this initiation allowed for hearts to be mended, for struggles to be noticed, for the hardships people endured alone to be surfaced for love to come in. It is through this people's lives changed, and it is through love we accepted and cared. For in love, God makes good all things. This would begin an unbreakable bond formed by love that allows each of us to live life with one another, to be in discipleship, in some way.
Now freedom has been an odd subject for me. Only until after project did a friend bring up the concept of freedom for Christians and the world due to the acknowledgement of the LGBTQA community in San Francisco. With this, something profound was brought up: we have placed our freedom on a pedestal; freedom has become an idol.
Freedom can mean a lot of things, but in this paragraph, I will focus on how freedom is used in our acceptance of people. Look around us; there are people of many backgrounds and histories, ethnicities and races, intelligences and stages of life, sexuality and stances, everyone seems to be on a different page on every aspect of this world. And yet, many of us in this society, on this world, believe each person is entitled to their own set of beliefs, their own religion. Why? Are we free to believe in whatever we so please? Am I permitted to believe that all people who lust after the same gender are destined for hell? Some people beg to believe otherwise, so who am I to make offense to that? But the question for me is not necessarily why people believe this or that nor is the question about what I may believe, but the question lies further: what is my place in passing such judgment? Am I, who have been given authority to cast out demons, to heal the sick and the lame, to steward the power of the Gospel to others, one to tell another to change their sexuality for it is a sin or even express my thoughts to others? I do not think so. It is not about judgment or condition, that is not what the Great Commission is about. He says:
"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you."
In this, we express love to our fellow brothers and sisters not by telling them what they are doing wrong, but by bringing light to them and allowing the light to penetrate the darkness within their heart. We do not know the condition of their heart so how can we judge? Likewise, we know not the troubles of our brothers and sisters we have conflict with, so who are we to say anything of their condition or pass judgment? It is only in love that we can truly help others for in having Christ in us, the light shines without fail and surely, He will shine through you to teach and live with the people who need Christ.
Freedom is not believing what you want. Freedom is not being able to express yourself however you please. Freedom is the decision itself to do what is right, it is not a choice. Freedom is righteous, and righteousness is the Lord. Freedom comes from our enslavement to righteousness for in our slavery we find freedom.
Reconciliation is not a choice; reconciliation is a decision, a righteous decision. It was unavoidable because it is what the Lord wills, it is what was needed. So act in love, in care, in humility. Act in this way for wisdom to come, for Him to be glorified. Your flesh may judge, but may your soul be strengthened by the Spirit who guides you in all ways. He will tell you how to love, so be ever in step with the King who guides all back to Him. His Gospel is powerful and changes people. His Gospel is love.
Today, I had planned on making a post about my re-entry process. But lately, there have been other things that continually bring me back to my knees, asking to be back in San Francisco (SF). I, in my own flesh, sincerely believe that this is not where I am meant to be. I felt at home in SF, I felt purposed during SFSP, I felt fulfilled in the work I participated in at SF. Does this not all point back to the fact that I am meant to be in SF? Surely not, obviously. God has brought me back to this place, my home back in Austin. It feels alien, as if I am in exile. And that is precisely why this re-entry time has been so difficult. It is my home not feeling what it once was. I am uncomfortable here. I feel lost. I feel confused about who I am in Christ when I am at home. What reason do I have in staying here, in Austin, doing what seems to amount to nothing?
It is this mentality that has destroyed my own, and many other's, perspective on this re-entry point. Frankly, these emotions are of our flesh. This feeling is quite possibly the enemy attacking us or a temptation of the flesh. So I must recognize that if my emotions are worldly, this highlights and epitomizes the extent of my own brokenness and thus, my own desire to find refuge in the Lord. Yes, I am struggling to readjust to this life back at home where it seems to confused and without purpose, where it seems everything can be so much better but for some reason is not, and what seems to have potential but is not acted upon, there is so much disunity and lack of will or sensitivity to move forward. I feel so much, I want to do so much, but my lack of will inhibits me from doing so. I look at people I know and I see little faith and I believe it to be a lack of sensitivity to needing the greater things God has to provide. But these are my hopes, and I must adhere to the things the Lord has promised me else I be swept away by the currents of my own discretion.
I recollect moments of great elation during project. Our community had grown so much and I begin to compare the communities around me now and become dissatisfied with where we are. But why should I not compare? Because it is worldly to do so? I believe the motivation is what drives our comparisons, however. If we do so to belittle one over the other, we do wrong to both parties for we exalt one without exalting another (we cannot serve two masters, eh?). However, if we recognize one to be greater, than may we work with the poorer to grow and build them up. To be in exile, we must live and be a part of the culture we now are a part of. Being in SF for the first week feels just like it does being home now. But if I recognize that those places can be related to places of exile, I can see that I can help to prosper the place I am in now. Wherever I am, the kingdom of heaven will touch for the reason the kingdom is near is through the people who steward His story.
Yes, I will say it again, I am struggling to be at home. But yes, I am making the most of my predicaments here at home. I have learned much, I realize the extent of my own influence, and I realize how God is to be glorified through my presence. It is in this that I must find peace. As much as things are not as I would have liked at home, it is so in God's will. I am praying for my brothers and sisters in Austin and in other cities, and those who are being affected by the anxiety we are experiencing. Bare with us as we bare with you. We are trying and placing our faith in the Lord. I have Him, and He has me so in that, I trust He will do amazing things.
Re-entry has been difficult. There is a lot I have my sights on and a lot I have been learning about myself and about God. Processing what has happened on project and processing what is happening within myself and post-project has been more overwhelming than I had initially thought it would be. With the academic year coming soon, I am confident that in my convictions and realizations, I am in a better place to serve than ever before.
Updates on what I have processed to be posted soon.
Reflection Period: Beginning of Debrief- August 7th (Day after departures)
Time Before Debrief
Debrief
Closing Banquet
Departures- Farewells
Even before the time of debrief, ReC and I had come together to think about how we felt about the end of ministry for SFSP. Satisfied by our team work and development, we talked about the emotions we felt as a result of our growth. It was an amazing moment to think of how our team meshed together and how many of them grew to become men and women we looked up to. Reminiscing of our team moments, I could not help but smile and chuckle to myself all the things I am so thankful for, the way my team helped me become a greater man of God. I also took this time to encourage my partner, even though I encouraged her during women's appreciation, in a more personal way. ReC has truly blessed me with all the work she did behind the scenes: watching over the female teammates, watching out for my well being and understanding my heart and character, and the way these things helped to care for my growth despite all the struggle I faced as a result of acknowledging my weaknesses. I trust ReC so much and would have loved to work with them longer. I believe that we started to see the wrongs in our leadership and wanted to truly work towards it at this point in time, but we have raised some amazing leaders, both for the team and for ourselves. This helped us to acknowledge what we were to talk about during debrief.
This time was full of celebration, celebration in our ministry and work, how our community, teams, and individuals have grown, and how God has been caring for us this entire time. One of the greatest blessings during this period was how we were coming together as a group, whether in a team or large group setting, and clear any misunderstandings that may have risen throughout project and after, affirming and encouraging one another. For myself, I not only acknowledged things we were talking about, but also of the hardships we faced during project but rose above the waves truly triumphant. There have been many obstacles, but God has truly kept us together lifting our spirits and strengthening our hearts.
One complaint I have, though, is that our clipper cards expired when debrief rolled along. For the weekend and Monday, we had to pay for our MUNI fairs affecting our travels and transportation to the church we were having debrief at. Thankfully, it was not too far. Unfortunately, the walk was 25 minutes, much of it along a hill. For most of this weekend, many people felt tired due to the walk most of us took. However, this did set a trend where many would stay in GGH to relax and hang out with people, especially in these last moments of project.
The final day of project, the closing banquet was held. Adorned with Christmas lights, lamps, and marbles upon the tables, the decor was marvelous. We also had party hats and noisemakers were also on the tables and MAN did we have fun with those. We had the brilliant idea to put on many party hats and look ridiculous in them. We were also served by a church family and the food was absolutely delicious! After we finished our meals, we began a time of affirmation effectively marking the end of our time of fellowship with one another. WIth those, we began our decommissioning lifting our works on SFSP to God and beginning a new work as we begin reentry into our campuses and homes. The pastors who were invited to the banquet closed us out in prayer and we rejoiced in our work. Everyone took pictures since we were all dressed up and we began moving back the GGH for our final night.
The final night was not as festive as I thought it would be. Instead of everyone staying up to play games and have group conversations, many were busy packing and writing encouragement cards/letters for the brown bags we were to take before leaving. However, this night was special simply for the departures that each person had to endure and the emotions that were overcoming us as they left. I remember the first group leaving and man, I was hit pretty hard. As more and more people left, I was consumed by my sadness. The flight back was not all too bad since I tried sleeping most of the time. Having music also calmed me down a whole lot. Arriving back in Austin, I felt a lot better. JeL and I took time to pray since I knew the road ahead would be difficult dealing with post project depression and reentry, the latter for me especially.
Having left project, I have really seen everyone's hearts, not just in the light of God, but also as people. They care so much for one another not just because they acknowledge they are one in Christ, not because they are Christian, but because these are people we have grown to love no matter who they are. Likewise, I believe my heart has grown to love friends of mine I have not thought about in a long time, friends who I wish I pursued more, current relationships, and even people whom I have yet to meet but somehow know will (I do not know how to explain this). Overall, my heart has grown a lot. I want to love in ways I have learned during project and hope to love in ways I never thought I could. Likewise, I pray for the same in all these men and women's hearts. We have been transformed and given new life with our foundations solidified. I hope we continue as such, too.
Reaching the end of summer project and right before the debrief period, I had finally found the place in my project community that I truly belonged in. Or maybe it would be more proper to word it as me recognizing the place God had already set for me. In this realization, I felt more welcomed within both my community and my own team. I felt so safe, so secure, so welcomed, so free, and so identifiable with everyone, finally, after longing for so long. My place in project was not defined in what God had already taught me, in what I contribute to my team members and the project as a whole, but rather, my place was identifiable with my faith and how God has created me. Truly, I was created wonderfully and fearfully (Hebrew- heart-felt, sympathetic). Just as you were created with a purpose for every instance on this world, so have I to be a part of His greater testimony, to be a sign for others, not to objectify my purpose here on project or to be a part of others' testimonies, but His testimony.
In placing myself in where God had wanted me, I felt the care my community had been giving me this entire time. My team, especially, are very dear to my heart because of the final moments we had together as a group of Christians who were moving towards something greater together and for acknowledging our differences yet still able to love one another. This intrinsic quality present within each ministry team gave each team moments they will cherish making each individual of the team feel they are a part of a greater body. In this, we find unity.
But more than this, once we find authentic belonging within our group, that we identify ourselves within the larger group setting, we are more attuned in how we are being nurtured in our faith and weaknesses and prosper as we humble ourselves allowing others, by God's will, to care for us in ways we, ourselves, could not before. One way this truly manifested itself for me was when I recognized my own faults and desperately needed someone to care for me when I could not. Similarly, there was a time when I needed to trust others in their responsibilities to look after others when I could not. In stepping down in my own authority and in relinquishing my pride to Jesus, I was able to humble myself, recognize my shortcomings, mistakes, and brokenness, I could trust that despite my own person, others can be exalted when I could not. And what better way for God to be glorified when you recognize your weaknesses and allow His strength to overwhelm you.
My place may have been acknowledged late during project, but I am so thankful my personality and character truly shown for who I truly am, a son in Christ being sanctified and willing to grow so as to move forward for Him, the one who saved and redeemed me. God has nurtured me in magnificent ways and I have seen him love others similarly and differently to accommodate for all the personalities present at SFSP. He has truly moved healing wounds and having His Spirit fall powerfully upon those individuals. We have been set ablaze. Passion for His name has consumed us. We are a part of the Great Commission and have been sent with authority to steward His story. May we remember He has given us a place in heaven specifically for us, as individuals and as a body, as well as giving us each a purpose only we can fulfill. Fearfully and wonderfully created we are.
During the sixth week of project, I had experienced some of the most difficult trials that God has truly put me through. The heartbreak of another brother here on project and my over-sensitive heart, understanding the extent of both my graciousness and capabilities, and my pride and dignity as both an earthly and spiritual brother to my sister was torn apart as a consequence of placing my own hopes in the decisions I seem to have made for her. In all this, I saw my own limitations, saw my own brokenness, saw how powerless and incapable I was in doing all these things around me. In this time I realized more about myself than I had in the time I was in project. In the span of 3 days, I was able to identify so much of myself to who God is, what Christ has done for me, and how the Spirit truly moves and has guided me to this point in my life. All in all, the trinity rung true and God spoke to me in powerful ways. I grew as a leader, I grew as a person, but most importantly, I grew as a son of the living God.
Project has been an eye-opening experience for myself. Even more than ministry, this project has allowed me to see the foundations that have already been placed for me and the way I am being sculpted into His image. Sanctification, as a continual process, has allowed me to see that I will always be broken, still make mistakes, and still come short of so many tasks so long as I am in this world. But truly, I am not of this world for Christ lives in me. I do not belong in this world and I am to be one with the Father and He dwells in me. I pray for my sanctification and the sanctification of others as we are sanctified together as one body to be the bride of Christ.
Part 1: A Brother
Wednesday evening, a project brother had called his father who is in poor terms with. The call was difficult and my brother was in anguish. For this pain, I prayed God to make me a better brother to those around me, for Christ to be in me for the wisdom to be distilled to me. For Christ to truly shine, I must submit myself and all things wholly to the Savior, the Redeemer who will supplicate me in all ways. In this, my soul be strengthened to fend off the temptations of my flesh, to rely on faith and trust in the Lord and remember His promises when the enemy strikes, and for the body of Christ to do the same as we together endure all these trials. The prayers made in this time drained my spirit, I became exhausted remembering all who God is, all I can think Jesus had done, and the way I was following the Spirit. Truly so, I believe the Spirit came powerful upon me if only for these prayers. My faith in His truths shall lead me back to the cross so I may remember all He has done for me and what it is He commands of me.
Part 2: Faults
After this, I faced a struggle my own team (B) was experiencing. Details were finally disclosed to me about the way we wanted to approach a sister and what was expected of me. They also told me of why they were so hesitant in telling me so late when so many others knew. What I had trusted in my brothers and sisters around me finally came to light and I did not think it was good. I was saddened to the point of crying in their belief I could not help shoulder their burdens. I was hurt by my own thoughts of believing I was not someone that could help provide support. But during this conversation, I was affirmed in who I was in Christ, I was encouraged to continue to love my sister in the ways I have already shown love, I was shown grace and mercy in the character God has intended for me to be. I did not experience this comfort until I had woken up the next day, but Lord knows I needed rest and assurance from Him to know my identity in Him.
Due to the draining prayers I had for my brother just a couple hours before, I was so tired and my flesh was tempted to lash out in both anger and ready to shed tears of remorse, but my spirit would continually draw me back to the sisters who had talked to me and the words they were telling me, words from much prayer and the Lord. In my weakness, He was exalted and was glorified. RC prayed for me as I expressed I could not and was unstable. Thank God I have such a beautiful sister willing to watch out for me and to consider my own character in all the decisions being made.
One night of rest allowed for my mind to calm, to invigorate me, and to pray to God asking more about submission and asking for my flesh to submit to Him. Thursday was a difficult day, however. Our team knew of the circumstances that had been drawn out for our sister and many were distraught and shaken by the decision that had been made. Being asked to trust in the decisions already, I stayed firm in my belief and tried my best to hold strong to the faith I had in my leaders. Arguments arose, criticism for reconsideration flew, and a lack of unity for this concern created many faults not in just the team, but within individuals themselves. Witnessing this was difficult, but the Spirit moved me to approach my fellow brothers, to intervene in the lies we were hearing, to find words of truth and find the haven the Lord promised in His peace. Beyond this, we still faced the struggle head on still in our faults, but together, we were made strong enough to stand firm as a body, to face the trial together.
Part 3: Dignity
I found out news that SPIN: Modern Thai was closing Thursday evening and was instantly destroyed by this news. For context, my sister, Salina, had taken a job as the pastry chef at this prestigious restaurant that quickly grew and constantly grew in reputation. She had only been working at this restaurant for a little over one week before this news came. But as one of the people who supported her decision to take the job and confront the obstacles before her. Not only was she hurting, I knew this much, but I found myself at a loss for words as my own pride took over. My sister's loss felt as if it were my own.
Friday I woke up with a heavy heart. Carrying this heart with me to the ICE activity at Golden Gate Bridge (GGB), I walked the bridge reviewing the questions and reflecting in how God was using this to make good His plans for my sister. One question stood profound over all others in the activity: "How do you think the GGB could show how Jesus bridged the gap between us and God?" Contextual background is important to understanding why GGB was built in the first place. In this, we can better have GGB become an analogy to answering this question. So here are some facts that give some light in how to approach the question:
The building of GGB was an ambition of one man, James Wilkins
One purpose of the bridge was to bring industry to the north bay through the prosperity of San Francisco
Difficulties in construction involve winds, strong tides, and loose dirt at the bottom of the bay
Fogs covering the strait brought up concerns for whether GGB could be built
GGB is flexible and responsive
Looking at some of the points and services the bridge provides, we can symbolize each thing into things that represent things in our own spiritual journeys.
Wilkins- God the Author and Creator
Bridge- Christ
San Francisco- Heaven/the Father
North Bay- This world/our broken selves
Prosperity- sanctification
Winds and tides- attacks from the enemy and his army
Fog- questioning Christ and doubts
GGB flexibility- our faith both in steadfastness
Movement of cars- our faith or emotions moving from or to God
Upon reflection of these things, I was able to review my own faith and how I was viewing God in all this. In the end, I am still wrestling with self worth and my worth in God's eyes. But I am slowly coming to terms with my own identity due to the series of events during the last two days.
Close
Through all this, I realized many things about myself. Instead of explaining what I learned more about, I will simply list them out.
Sanctification
Submission
Limitations
Worthiness/Qualification
Humbleness
Influence
Confidence
Project has truly nurtured my walk with God. As someone on project had told me, this project truly solidifies one's own foundations and grounds that person's faith into truth and the promises He has made. God bless and thank you partners and supporters, friends and family, brothers and sisters in the growth I am experiencing here and whenever I move on back home.
There is still debrief and I am excited to see what others had learned and what sort of amazing things God has placed on their hearts especially. Keep praying for us. The enemy attacks relentlessly and
Probably one of the best days I have had on project thus far. I would not say amazing things happened, but what needed to happen, happened, especially considering how dynamic the day was. Started off bumpy, but He showed up through prayer, His word, and through the community around me and really took me out of a difficult place. Learning so much and so quickly. More about this in another post.
This is an outline of the talk I did for project about family, a subject that is very dear to my heart. I felt it in me to speak truth to my project family and m heart was, is even now, heavy even after so much prayer for God's peace to fall upon me and the talk having ended. I have been praying to submit myself to His will so that he can fill me with my daily bread, bread I so desperately need in these difficult days as project quickly comes to a close. Pray for wisdom, for that I follow in step with the SPirit, but praise Him for working in me and in others who have invested their time to speaking truth to me.
I hope this proves useful and enlightening. It provides some very insightful learnings and ways to approach your brothers and sisters, not just in the context of family. Have vision for your relationships, confrontations, reconciliation, etc. Even more, seek to fulfill the desires you have in Godly ways knowing He lives in you and in your fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. Remember that we are broken and continually being sanctified. As long as you remember to submit yourself, I know these things will follow as a result of your offering to Him. God bless.
Opening Prayer
Scriptures:
Galatians 6: 1-10 1 Corinthians 4: 19-21
John 17: 13-19 1 John 4: 19
Intro:
What God has placed on my heart
Not speaking to force my thoughts on you
Identifying that we are a family that is trying to be a better family, to abandon misconceptions of not being a family
Objectives:
1- I want us to identify ourselves as a family on project.
2- More importantly, I want us to identify ourselves as a family in Christ.
3- Upon reflection of the things said, identify how to be together in brokenness.
What is the defining point of family?
What gives family meaning?
(1 minute reflection)
Vision: my own family and for project (vision statement)
Galatians 6: 1, sin (not loving our brothers and sisters and idolatry) and restoring
Acknowledge our differences in family and desires
What desires do you have that stem from your expectations of family?
(1.5 minute reflection)
intimacy
communion
safety/comfort
belonging
growth
progress
Galatians 6: 2-3
burdens are also our desires and shortcomings
desires based on fulfillment through worldly means, not good
shortcomings = thinking we made mistakes
mistakes are due to our brokenness, not by what is out of our control
brokenness means unholy, we will never be a perfect family
carry = love in a Godly way, one not to serve yourself, but to serve your brothers and sisters, your family
Galatians 6: 5
we will not be able to serve our family in all ways
God can provide all things to us, but He also uses us, the unqualified
to do so to humble and to show His authority in this world
How do you satisfy your desires you thought about earlier?
Idolatry:
Approval
Comfort
Control
Power
Focusing our desires into one outlet vs. God provides in all ways at once.
Ultimate Desire: To be loved by our Creator and seek unity with He who has both known us all our life and constantly pursued us.
Galatians 6: 7-8
Finding fulfillment in other ways:
Yourself- you are not in control and are a social creature
Community- despite God speaking and using your surroundings, your community cannot provide all things to you
You should not be broken together but be together in brokenness (implications)
God is the center of our family.
He is all knowing of us, and so He knows our deepest desires.
He is all powerful, and so He is able to provide all things to us.
He is loving, and so He shows mercy to us.
Reference Margaret's talk as well as these things.
Galatians 6: 6
Be in step with the Spirit, for Christ has given us all truth and power as He sanctifies us. Be sensitive so that we can follow the Spirit and do His will. Do this so we may share all good things to our Father, to our brother, the Lamb of God, who dwells in all of us.
1 Corinthians 1: 10
We are a family divided by groups.
We are willing to move away from our groups.
We even desire to move away from our groups.
Recognize that we are trying.
Galatians 6: 9-10
Seek your brothers and sisters. Do not have them come to you. Go to them. In this, we are a greater family who is not waiting, but a family willing.
1 John 4: 19-21
Love despite our differences
Do not be torn as a family. Love as a body as the Father shows love for us.
We love different things. As a family, we love all things that God loves. Accept what we ourselves love, and appreciate what heart our brothers and sisters love.
Remember, the enemy is trying to destroy our family forming fractions. Fight him by, also, loving one another.
Guided by the Spirit, made whole through the mind of Christ
Christ lives in each one of us, so might we see Christ in each other. Lord, give us eyes to see Christ in each of us.
We are a family still pursuing one another. That is a strong basis for our family.
Review of objectives:
1- I want us to identify ourselves as a family on project.
2- More importantly, I want us to identify ourselves as a family in Christ.
3- Upon reflection of the things said, identify how to be together in brokenness.
John 17: 13-19
Review this during your own QT.
Seek not only your own sanctification in the Lord, but the sanctification of ourselves as a family.
One thing God has really affirmed me in is how He directly speaks to me during my times of silence. Pictures hold significant meaning, I believe. And thank the Lord He has blessed me in holding onto these images He has provided. I will present the two most significant images God has given to me so far in project.
A tunnel, dark all around and muck all over dripping from places (walls, I guess) that I could not see. In this darkness, I could literally smell decaying organic material all around. I was bound upon something in this tunnel, though. I white object that seemed to resemble a backbone or the rails of a roller coaster where your feet hang. Upon this, I am riding through this tunnel, unsure whether I was going forward for spiraling around (I did not experience any sort of centrifugal force).
Soon, I saw a light at the end of the tunnel, but unable to see past the light. Once I had broken through the darkness and into the light, I saw a vast expanse of blue, similar to extremely clear blue skies. And then I started feeling centrifugal force. I was spinning around and around, through the skies, and I was so overjoyed. And all of this along the white backbone/roller coaster I had mentioned before.
What I believe these things to symbolize:
Tunnel: sin being a part of us
Muck: Satan's attacks
White backbone/roller coaster: the Holy Spirit
Light at the end of the tunnel: God (you could elaborate for yourself)
Sky: freedom from the darkness
Centrifugal experience: awareness of direction, of where God is leading me
One time in my prayer, I prayed to God to allow me to see a part of the reflection in His eyes. God fulfilled that prayer and privileged me with seeing people I knew in my own life and people that seemed to be affiliated with me in some way. I felt that these people would be people I either meet in the future or have met before and never reflected on yet.
But through this moment, these people soon began to change. Instead of the figures, I saw their silhouettes, and even more, the image I have of Christ began to appear upon each of these shadows.
This blew me away. I was in awe of what God had been showing me. Truly, when our Father looks at us, He does not see our flaws for He has forgiven us of them. Rather, He sees us in Christ' glory. We are being sanctified and even more, we are one with Christ. From this vision, I was given the opportunity to delve deeper into what it means for God to see us as one in Christ. I was given the opportunity to recognize my own brothers and sisters as one in Christ, to look past their flaws, to forgive them, and to love them as Christ did to my family. I now have the option to truly see them as one in Christ. Before, I had been judging and quick to argue against their faults, but now I can be more loving and acknowledge that they are trying, trying so desperately.
I have not updated my support page, and frankly I may not do that anymore. I am finding myself running towards prayer on an hourly basis. At the end of the day or week, yes, I have my own list of prayers to be made. But at the same time, I find no justice in suggesting a select few to be acknowledged. Therefore, I hope that I can provide you with prayers to show adoration for our Creator and thankfulness that lives are changing as we are sitting. He is at work. May we praise Him for being such an amazing Savior and Redeemer.
For this Sunday, my team is using the Life Map Testimony (LMT) exercise myself and a few central conference 2012 people had seen. It uses the life map, a timeline of events that have happened in your life specifically, to survey the spiritual background. This allows you to pinpoints parts of your life that you may have missed when first making your testimony or even give you greater insight in how God has truly been working in your life. For Sunday school, we hope to help the church members become more comfortable in sharing to one another through events in their life to better voice their own testimonial to others, even strangers in the streets. We, as a team, hope to equip them to better minister to their community and close ones.
For myself, I am making a life map for others to reference. There will be one more person involved in making this life map to be used as a reference for the church members. In doing this, we had to identify the 6H's of our life: heritage, high points, hard times, heroes, heart connections, and hand of God. I have a lot I personally want to voice in my own personal life and want to encourage others to do the same, but I fear that my own life map may be overbearing to others. I hope through consulting with my partner I can cut down on the amount of content in my life map to better help the church members form their own without any sort of pressure. Maybe through this, I can learn more about my partner and the church members. It will definitely be an exciting time for us.
In using the life map, we hope to form testimonials. Life maps is the first step; the second will be identifying themes within the life map such that you can form a cohesive story about God's redemptive love. To be honest, identifying a theme was by far the most difficult for me, moreso for condensing or cutting parts B and C when I felt I wanted to share to a group of people despite the major theme being about A. Just as I voiced above, my life map has so much detail. I must cut it down a bit to better show how themes can be identified. Since this part was so difficult for me, I believe my experience will help the church members better approach this step. Of course, the third step will be writing the testimony, which we are shooting to be around 5 minutes. An update on that will come.
Doing the life map has been a trip down memory lane for me, moreso in reminiscence of my first time doing this at Anthology 2012. At the time, I was not a believer and writing down all my thoughts was an invigorating experience. Even more, it was amazing to hear so many people's perspectives on life and why they had that outlook. What surprised me more was how they consistently thanked God in all the ways He pulled through and continually loved them. I did not understand at the time, but now I chuckle at my naivety then and even now. It is amusing to think of the person I was before my life was surrendered to God. May I continue to proclaim Your name as Lord above all.
Understanding that the staff were leaving was one thing, but having the opportunity to talk to them individually and learn from them was another. What makes the departures so difficult is the feeling of dissatisfaction, moreso in that we want to spend more time with these amazing individuals and for the things that they provide to the project team. I want to know more about them, why they wanted to be here, how they have seen us grow as individuals, and why they love and glorify our Creator. This is a reflection of the final days of the staff's presence.
Truthfully, the final days were also probably the best days for me personally. I got to talk to so many staff members and voice the care that I truly experienced because of them. The support, the encouragement, the times of awe at one another's stories we had to tell, the wisdom given, and the way God's hand has worked in their lives. What makes staff so beautiful is the experience they have simply because of the longer amount of time they have been here on this earth. They have seen God working around them, embrace this fact, and truly live out as Christ would hope they would. Still, they struggle just as we do, and it is humbling knowing that even our PD's are struggling in their own current lives.
There are just a few things I really want to thank staff for:
having hope in who we are, not in what we are
having faith that we will live out the vision casted
loving us despite all the mishaps and weaknesses of the individuals and the project in general
This is a reflection of 1 Cor 13 to understand in what ways the staff were serving us as a project.
One way in how I experienced hope was my talk with MaP. Sharing to me some experiences they had with ministry that was particularly difficult and the way God has really been working in it opened my eyes to the struggle we were facing now with SA as the teams open up to one another what it was that we were truly going through. In noticing these things and God's sovereignty over all things, there is so much to hope for as we work for His glory.
Faith was seen through JeL who told me about how God spoke to her during an exercise the morning before our own conversation and visit to Bernal Heights. Her image was so beautifully described and I can only imagine what sort of peace she must have felt when God spoke to her. During this time, God provided an image to JeL that really captured the struggle she had been going through this past year. With maelstroms, dark clouds, and lightning all around her, she was protected by God who crouched over her. I will allow my readers to imagine this for themselves as they sympathize with the pain JeL must be going through. So glad to have an amazing sister such as herself.
Love was shown to me through my own MTL's. KeT provided amazing wisdom empowering me to be the person He knows I am to be. KeT is great in that they really see my strengths and weaknesses clearly taking note that I am one to constantly humble myself but one lacking in taking the initiative to make the final decision. I learned a lot from them as I continued to observe the things they did. I hope to follow their example in the way they loved others as well as Christ's own example. RoK also provided love to me through support and helping me process through so many things. Not only were they instrumental to understanding my convictions, but in further figuring out what step of action I should take to challenge myself and become even more immersed in faith. Thank you, MTL's, for the love you have shown me.
As a closing remark, the final conversation I had with a staff member was with PrL, and praise the Lord for providing such an amazing leader and example for future students who do not come from a Christian background. In the single conversation we had, I felt all three of these things I have talked about, hope, faith, and love. We clicked simply because of the struggles we faced in sharing to our parents. We learned from one another the types of fears we had, the affirmation in our emotions and the Savior's promises, and the greater plan He had as the all-knowing Author. We decided to be part of a support family that will be there for one another as we continue to try confronting our fear in truth and love. I pray for this individual as we move on to glorify the One who saves and redeems us of our sin.
I still cannot believe they are gone. I still cannot believe I have taken a role of one of the leaders I looked up to. Most of all, I cannot believe God has placed it in our hearts to continue the work they and previous SFSPers had began for us. May we reap what has been sowed for His glory and His glory alone. John 4: 35-38
As many of you who follow my blog know, I went through some serious convictions and was truly burdened to know more of who our King truly is last week. If He is so righteous, why has He subjected me to such things? Well, I am glad to say the storm has passed and the days are calm once more. I found what it is that has been satisfying more for all of project (John 4: 34), my greatest desire for project (cultural immersion), what it is that I hope project brings for us all (future post), and preparing myself for the storm that may be brewing ahead (now and following two posts). Without much more to open this time, I would like to say I am overjoyed to have you, my partner, reading and just grateful for all the people around me physically, by spirit, through the Spirit, and whatever ways there may be.
So staff are leaving soon, and as a result, many of us are becoming emotional as the thoughts of not having them here trouble our minds. We are, in a sense, inheriting their responsibilities as new leaders of this project. The many roles that are being offered are as follows plus a few I may be missing:
Project Director (PD)
Operations Director (OD)
Ministry Team Leader (MTL)
Small Group Leader
Salvation Army Leader
Church Partnership Leader
Campus Outreach Leader
Men's Time Leader
Women's Time Leader
Ohana Time Leader
All these roles with the exception of the OD have multiple roles. For instance, we will now have 3 PDs, 1 OD, 3 male MTLs, 3 female MTLs, etc. Each student that is present within project will have a specific role, possibly even two. The way these were presented was through the preceding staff member who had that position, mine being KeT, 'challenging' me in taking his position of MTL, among other things, to me. Other students were challenged to take the role presented to them as well, some with the prestigious role of a PD.
But may we not look at these roles in terms of power. Rather, might we humble ourselves to realizing we are one greater body in Christ working together to do something amazing? to do His work? I am excited to see what everyone's roles are during the Friday banquet we will be having as a way to formally say our farewells to the staff members. I just want to say now to whatever staff may be reading this: Thank you for your service. We have learned much and wish to continue working towards the example that you have given us but ultimately understand Christ in hopes to better serve the people of SF. I pray that we can do as well as you have to the least, and I pray that your journeys back home as well as the ministry and training you undergo is as fruitful as the time you spent here in SF with us students. In Christ's name, I pray. Amen.
I am excited to fill this position. Despite the pressure, or even the responsibilities and duties I must fulfill, I am at peace with their decision. The role of an MTL fits so naturally with the person God has shaped me to become. However, when I had heard that the staff were going to 'challenge' us to a role, I had thought I would be asked a role that was not necessarily fitting to the person I truly am, possibly something like Salvation Army Leader or even the Church Partnership Leader to a higher extreme. But truly, I want to be able to submit myself to the Lord in whatever role I would have had. Glory be to the one who saves. Glory be to the one who knows best for me and continues to give me more. Thank you Lord for this role and the way You have softened my heart to humble myself.
The moments before these staff members leave are bittersweet. It is such an amazing blessing to be able to get to know them, yet in the back of my mind, I know that they will be leaving very, very soon.
"My food," said Jesus, "is to do the will of the one who sent me and to finish His work."
When I first read this verse over a year ago, these struck me as significant. Even before to came to know who Jesus truly is, I recognized how greatly this verse could affect me. That's powerful. I have not been to very many Bible studies, but I would hope this idea of doing God's will and following in step with the Holy Spirit would satisfy one so much as to fill them not just spiritually, but even physically. In the opening of this chapter, John even wrote that Jesus was tired from His trek from Judea to Galilee (John 4: 6). I believe it is pertinent to understand just how the Spirit can fill us up not just to guide us to do His work, but to satisfy even our most physical needs.
I'd like those who are reading this to really incorporate this verse in some prayer of theirs. It is such a powerful verse that truly speaks that our greatest want is to do what He wants of us. And truly so, the excitement of serving others for His glory brings great joy and fulfillment to my own life. Project has really fostered my understanding of this verse and it will continue to be a driving theme for me. I love this verse. I love His everlasting Word.
