I deserve it, donât I? [Kriselle]
Fandom:Deltarune
Characters: Kris Dreemurr, Noelle Holiday, Susie (Mentioned)
Word count: 3118
Summary:
Kris just wanted to forget about the whole day.
Somehow that spirals into a confession 12 years in the making.
Tags:
Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt/Suicide attempt not explicitly stated as being an attempt, Very vaguely implied self harm,
hurt/comfort, one-sided Kris/Susie, childhood memories, self-hatred, self esteem issues, self harming behaviours, hypothermia, Likely medical inaccuracies, cuddling, likely out of character, bittersweet ending, It/Its pronouns for the soul,
Link to fic on ao3:
https://archiveofourown.org/works/89346616
A/N:
I have only recently really gotten back into UTDR but Iâve been here since 2015 trust guys,,,, anyways make sure to read the listed tags as there is some content warnings.
I hope you guys enjoy :)
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The moment Susie shut the door, Kris felt their throat constrict, everything they had been suppressing flooding through them all at once. Susieâs voice bounced around their head, just repeating the words they didnât want to hear, âIt needs to beâŠNoelleâs thing too.â They didnât WANT this to be a Noelle thing. It couldnât be. This was a Susie and Kris thing! Their prophecy! Their team! All DAY it had been âNoelle this, Noelle that!, Do you think Noelle would like these Kris?â And now Susie was involving Noelle in THEIR thing? Kris felt an all too familiar feeling bubble in their chest, a cauldron of anger, jealousy, sadness, worry. A bitter reminder that, at the end of the day, they were always the second choice.
But despite the way they could feel the cauldron in their heart spilling over, their body moved, wiping their eyes and turning away from the door.
The walk through town was quiet, the streets empty. Wind bit at their skin, cruel and cold with winter approaching. Their second Christmas after Mom and Dad split. Not that they really cared for the holiday anymore anyways. But maybe they could get Susie something nice, if the world hadnât ended by then. Or if she hadnât abandoned them for Noelle come Christmas time . The holidays were more her thing anyways.
The cold made Kris remember a younger Noelle, a Noelle before Dess disappeared; her curly blonde hair done in two messy braids with red ribbons, all giggles as she handed Kris a bag of carefully decorated gingerbread monsters. They remembered the way butterflies thrashed in their stomach at her smile, the way they snatched it with flushed cheeks and shared them with her despite wanting them all for themself.
Even thinking about it made the butterflies thrash again, now joined by more that crawled up into their throat and made it hard to speak, hard to think, hard to breathe-
They blinked and they were at the lake.
Of course it would take them here. It seemed to enjoy their suffering at times.
After the festival, all they could think of at the lake was Susie and Noelle laughing with each other, Noelle in Susieâs arms. They were so happyâŠ.so happy without them. Kris knew it was selfish, but they wanted to be apart of it. Apart of their blooming romance. They wanted to be more than the third wheel.
Kris took a seat by the lakes edge. The cold made their nose hurt, the breeze gently rustling the trees.
So much had happened today, but they just wanted to forget it all. Pretend that Noelle and Susie werenât together. Pretend Ralsei didnât know of their dishonesty. Pretend their dad hadnât been kidnapped. (âShe promised heâd be safe. Sheâd lied to them, although they canât say they were surprised. After all, when you play stupid games you win stupid prizesâ).
With slow movements, Kris reached down and untied their old battered shoes â even they were hand me downs, from Dess years ago, before their feet were even big enough to fit them. Placing them to their left, along with their cell phone, they plunged their hand into the cavity of their chest and pulled out the soul, shoving it into one of their shoes to keep it from bothering them.
Awkwardly shuffling into standing, their joints and muscles aching from being without the unfortunate essence of their being, Kris stepped into the frigid water.
One step, two steps, until the water was up to their knees, cold water saturating the bottom of their pants. The cold stabbing their skin until they couldnât feel their feet anymore. This was nice, the moon shining down on them and the dark water. Thoughts of Susie and Noelle that evening came to their mind again, they shook them away.
One step, two steps, until the water was at their hips, soaking the bottom of their sweatshirt. Their legs were freezing, they revelled in the sting. Was the water this cold when Susie stepped in? Was she just that strong, that this didnât phase her? Or were they just weak.
One step, two steps, the water was at their waist. Their sleeves drenched. The scars on their wrists ached from the cold. This is what they deserved. For their betrayal, their jealousy, their stupid stupid feelings.
One stepâ
âKris?â
A familiar voice called from the shore.
They turned around.
Everything was dark except for her. Curly blonde hair, messier than usual. Delicate antlers. Large doe eyes. All lit up by the shine of the moon.
âNoelle?â
Kris called tentatively, their voice shaking â whether it was from anxiety or the cold they couldnât tell. The butterflies once again thrashed in their stomach and up their chest, making it hard to breathe. Or maybe that was the cold too?
âKris! What are you doing? Itâs freezing!â
She called, concern dripping from her voice, reminding them just how sweet she is; like a candy cane.
âLooking at the moon.â
They replied back. But what were they really doing ? They hadnât thought about it hard. Theyâd just started walking in the hopes theyâd stop thinking about today. But had they really intended on coming back to shore? They werenât sure anymore.
Their body felt heavy, and the shore was so far away. Maybe they shouldnât bother going back. Then Noelle and Susie wouldnât have to be burdened with their stupid feelings and actionsâŠ
â-Kris? Stay there! Iâm coming to get you!â
Through blurry vision, Kris watched as Noelleâs valuables quickly joined theirs.
Then, as she waded through the frigid water.
Until she was infront of them. Her warm hands grabbing theirs from the water and leading their heavy legs through the lake and back to the shore.
They could barely understand what she was muttering, but there was a frown on her pretty freckled face. Her hands trembled, and in the back of their mind Kris worried that sheâd get sick.
Once they were out of the water, they watched as she gathered their things, shoving both their phones in her sweatervestâs patch pocket before taking hold of their hand.
Despite her fur being wet, her hand was warm in theirs.
Between the mutters they couldnât comprehend, they understood when she gently assured them âyouâre gonna be okay Kris.â
They didnât deserve to be.
The rest was a blur. They remembered the chattering of Noelleâs teeth and the sound of hooves hitting tar. Then the terrible screech of the Holiday gate. Followed by almost falling down the stairs as Noelle leadâ more like hauledâthem upstairs to her room.
Then her muttering, followed by her repeated panicked apologises. âIâm so sorry Kris! Sorry sorry-â as she stripped them of their sopping clothes. They werenât sure what was worse, the freezing cold of their body or her warm hand brushing against the vertical scar on their chest â the consequence of ripping out their soul. They could feel how carefully she dried their shivering body, dressing them with what they were sure the only clothes that fit them, before covering them in thick blankets.
Her reassurances followed. âItâs gonna be okay- youâll be okay-â even out of it like this, they could tell it was more for her than them.
âIâm gonna call Ms.Toriel- she can help bring you to the hospital.â
That brought them back to their mind. With cotton in their mouth, and a body that felt clumsy- they reached out a hand from their cocoon of blankets. âNo- not- no hospitalâ they struggled to speak, sure they were slurring their words.
âBut Kris! You have hypothermia- you need to-â
âNo!â Even with their incorporative tongue they managed to shout.
Noelle let out a frustrated sigh but relented.
âFine!- okay. just- Iâm going to go get you something to drink. Donât move.â
She gave them a frustrated look as she left, her tail stiff instead of its usual sway as she walked. Kris knew how much their refusal worried her, it always had.
Looking around, they spotted their shoes abandoned on the floor by the door.
âI know you can move.â Kris spat, their words still a little slurred. âHurry up, before she gets back.â They hissed, but all the soul did was peak out from where it had fully retreated into their red shoes. Like it didnât want any part in this. Of course it wouldnât come back the only time they wanted it to. (The only time they didnât want to have to speak for themselves)
The door creaked open again, and the soul wiggled back into its shoe.
Noelle pushed the door shut with her hoof as she carried a drink in each hand and a heat pack under her arm.
Krisâs eyes followed her as she set the drinks down on her desk, then as she crouched by them. They shivered a little as Noelle gently moved aside some of the blankets to slide it into their burrito of blankets and against their bare neck. It was pleasantly warm, like a fresh slice of butterscotch pie.
Wriggling their hands out from their blankets, Kris held their hands out expectingly. Noelle huffed a little laugh and passed them one of the mugs â white with little Christmas trees all over it.
Kris smiled as they took a sip. It was hot coco, and just how they liked it; far too much coco powder for the amount of hot water and milk used. It was obnoxiously sweet, so much so that it made their stomach churn, but the fact she even remembered left their cheeks warm and their chest achey.
Too focused on their feelings, Kris didnât notice Noelle had sat down until she shuffled close enough to almost be touching.
âKrisâŠ.what were you doing?- InâŠin the lake, I mean. You know itâs cold.â Noelle looked over at them, and Kris looked back.
Their throat tightened as they tried to think of what to say. How to explain themself. How to explain it. Kris hadnât really thought very hard about it. Theyâd just wanted everything to stop, wanted to forget, wanted the cauldron of their heart to stop bubbling with feelings they could never share with anyone. How could they tell her that? Tell her they had almost gotten themselves killed because they were jealous.
(Even if there was more to it than thatâŠshe couldnât know about their involvement in the dark fountains popping up, not yet.)
They truly were a coward. They should have justâ
âKris?â Noelle softly interrupted their spiral, her fluffy hand reaching to take one of theirs from its place on the warm mug.
Her grasp so gentle, so caring. Kris didnât deserve this. They didnât deserve her friendship, and she didnât deserve the stress they brought her. Her dad had just got in an accident that afternoon, how dare they make things even more stressful for her.
âKris are you okay?â She prodded again when they were still silent.
âI-â their breath stuttered as they tried to speak, their eyes burning and their throat constricting. They hated crying, but they couldnât blink back the tears.
âI just wanted to forget today.â They finally mumbled, feeling particularly pathetic as they put down their mug to wipe away their tears.
Noelleâs eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
âForget? Why? Oh gosh, you didnât really wanna go with Berdly did you? Iâm sorry if-â
âNo! No itâs not that itâs just.. that I-â Kris interrupted, but they choked up. They couldnât bare to look at Noelle.
âThat what Kris?â Noelle asked softly.
âThat- I- you and- and- just- I- Iâm jealous okay!â They finally shouted, shattering the silence in the room. Noelleâs confusion only grew.
âWhat?â Kris finally turned to look at Noelle.
âIâm jealous of you and Susie! Itâs always âSusie this Susie thatâ with you recently! And- and now! All day- all day Susie has been talking about you! Itâs always you! But what about me? Who will I have when you two leave! When you finally realise Iâm not good enough for you! That I never was and never will be?! Thatâs why I never told you that- that I- that..â
Kris couldnât finish their sentence. They choked on their tears. They truly were a coward. 12 years of crushing on the same girl and they still couldnât tell her how they really felt.
Theyâd never been very good at feelings, even as a kid, even before Dess disappeared and everything changed.
âNever told meâŠwhat?â Noelle asked, her voice soft and yet so loud in the quiet of the night. Just looking in her eyes they could tell she was trying to process everything they had said, trying to think of something else to say.
âThat I-â Kris swallowed, choking a bit on air as they tried to force themself to say whatâs gone unsaid for the past decade. If they didnât say it now, they werenât sure theyâd ever get another chance. Not if the prophecy was right. Not if, come tomorrow, Susie and Noelle started officially dating.
Was reality so cruel that the two people they liked had to get together?
âI- I like you Noelle! I have since we were kids, and I miss the way we were! I miss you.â They looked away, their cheeks flushed red even with the tears still trying to fall.. When they looked back, Noelleâs whole face was so red she looked more like a tomato than a deer.
âFahaha! Youâre kidding right? This- this is some sort of cruel prank right? Like- like when you kissed my cheek as kids?â She sputtered, letting go of their hands to cover her flustered face.
They felt their chest squeeze, and the tears try to start blurring their vision as they shook their head no. Their eyes stayed on the ground this time.
âI-â Noelle started and stopped, moving her hands away from her face and onto her lap.
âWhy now?â She finally whispered, and Kris looked up again to see big doe eyes glossy with unshed tears.
âWha-â
âWhy now! Why when- when I have something going for me! When Susie finally likes me back?!. Why tell me now? Do you know how long Iâve wanted to hear you say that!?â Noelle shouted, angrily wiping away her tears with clenched fists.
âIm sorry for waiting so long but- but youâre better off with Susie. All Iâve ever done if hurt you. Iâm just being selfish even telling you.â Kris admitted. They were a selfish coward for ever waiting this long.
âNo.â Noelle grabbed their shoulders, forcing them to face her. Her grip was so firm it hurt a little. Kris didnât mind.
âNoâŠ?â Kris was confused by Noelleâs response, staring at her through their hair.
âYouâve done so much more than hurt me Kris. You- you get me! You really care! I trust you more than anybody else in the world, youâre the only person I can truly be myself around and I canât imagine my life without you in it! Kris I- I love you! And I always have!â
Noelle panted as she finished ranting, a few rogue tears dripping down her cheeks, her eyes brimming with emotions Kris couldnât even begin to understand.
They awkwardly shrugged the blankets off and pulled Noelle into a tight hug, which she returned. She smelled sweet, like gingerbread and cinnamon, her warm embrace inviting.
âI love you too Noelleâ They whispered, resting their chin on her delicate shoulder.
The two were silent for who knows how long. Kris could feel their eyes growing heavy, but they didnât want to let go. Who knew if theyâd ever get to hold Noelle like this again?
But, like everything else in their life, it had to come to an end.
Noelle pulled back, a guilty look on her face.
âKris. I- I love you. But I really like Susie too. I⊠I donât know what to do.â
Kris frowned, but refused to let themselves cry over this again. They had to pick what was best for Noelle.
âBe with her. She may not seem it but Susie is the kindest person I have ever met. She cares a lot about you Noelle. You deserve someone like her.â Kris reached out and gently grabbed Noelleâs hands in their own.
âAre you sureâŠthat youâll be okay?â She murmured, her thumb gently running over the back of Krisâs hand soothingly.
âI willâŠ.but, if youâll let me be selfish one more time, can I ask for one more thing?â
Kris could feel the butterflies beating their stomach as they spoke, like they were angry that they would just give her away like this after 12 years of pining. When she was so close, when she could finally be theirs. But they knew it would be too selfish of them to ask her to be with them instead of Susie. They didnât want to hurt Susie like that, especially when the butterflies fluttered for her too.
âWhat is it?â She questioned, her coco brown eyes staring into theirs.
âCanâŠcan we cuddle? Like we did as kids? Just tonight.â Kris could feel their warmth in their cheek as they nervously looked away.
Noelle giggled, but nodded.
âYeah, we can. We should probably go to bed now then, itâs late.â
She let go of their hands to stand up, offering Kris a hand which they willingly took.
Just like when they were kids, Kris crawled onto Noelleâs bed, lying on the side against the wall. Noelle joined them after turning off the light, bringing one of the blankets Kris had abandoned earlier and spreading it over the two of them.
Silently opening her arms, Kris crawled into them, resting their forehead against her chest and laying one of their arms over her side. She adjusted the arm they were laying over and rested her other arm over them in return.
Finally getting comfortable, Kris peered up at Noelle â who had a gentle smile on her face.
âGoodnight NoelleâŠâ Kris murmured as they tilted their head back down and closed their eyes.
They could feel Noelleâs breath on their scalp as she rested her head on top of Krisâs.
âGoodnight KrisâŠâ.
Even if they knew this would be the last time theyâd be able to be close like this, Kris was glad they were able to tell her. Maybe in another universe they wouldâve been able to tell Susie how they felt too. Maybe in another universe the three of them could be together, but not in this one. They couldnât be selfish like that, not when they already knew what was coming.
