my main is @spoken-stardust! so if you get a reply or follow from there, it’s me. also, don’t hesitate to reach out and say hi! i love making friends :)
:request by anon: Congrats on 2.6k! All well deserved follows! Could I get a kaz brekker x reader (romantic relationship please) where the reader has touch aversion (to a lesser extent where they kinda just get anxious when it comes to surprise hugs and touches) and kaz finds out and is relieved cause he thought the reader was getting bored of him? (sorry if that was slightly incoherent or too specific of a request)
A/N: short but sweet (like me)
WarningsL once again, this fic alludes to readers time in a pleasure house and mentions a brief description of her experiences.
Summary: Trauma gets the better of all of us at some point. Even those who consider themselves Gods.
"Can we not just... I don't know, go the other way around?"
"If you hadn't made us late, yes, we could," Kaz replied, barely sparing Y/N a glance. "But since we are running late, we have to go this way,"
Y/N looked around nervously but kept quiet. She wasn't about to show Kaz her fear of walking down West Stave. He'd made it quite clear to her in the first few weeks of being in the Dregs that no one was going to protect her except herself. She had to cope with her trauma and her terror in her own way.
Which was ignoring it and pretending it didn't exist.
"Aw, come on, Y/N," Jesper said, putting an arm around her shoulders. Y/N flinched slightly but relaxed after she realised it was just Jesper. "We can watch the tourists get scammed."
"As if we don't do that every day," Y/N replied, looking up at him, smirking.
Jesper laughed and Y/N smiled, despite the nerves in her stomach. Inej had reassured her before they'd left that nothing bad would happen - after all, she'd be watching from the rooftops. But it didn't stop the panic inside her at having to walk past the Lotus. She may have had Kaz and Jesper on either side of her and Inej guarding her like a Saint from above but it didn't ease the knawing panic.
"Where we going again?" Jesper asked, bounding up to Kaz and leaving Y/N's side momentarily.
"You'll see when we get there," Kaz replied, sparing him a despairing momentary glance. "You ask too many questions, at times, Jesper."
"I can't help it if you don't give us all the details, boss," Jesper continued, ambling alongside Kaz. "Just a clue?"
"No."
"Oh, come on. I'll start guessing otherwise." Kaz remained silent. "Alright, fine. We're going the wrong way for it to be Fifth Harbour and Emerald Palace is back that way."
Kaz stopped suddenly and lifted his cane, stopping Jesper in his tracks. Jesper let out a grunt of pain as he suddenly came to a stop.
"Jesper, if I wanted to tell you, I would have told you. Now, shut up," Kaz hissed.
Y/N flinched as someone brushed past her, their shoulder bashing into hers. She didn't like physical contact - she found it hard to hug people and touch them since it any type of contact sent her back to the Lotus and to the cushioned bed she'd been forced to lie on.
Jesper respected it, bless him. He'd always ask before he did anything and they'd established what she liked and didn't like. Inej understood perhaps more than most and had given Y/N plenty of help and tips on how to cope with it.
Some days were better than others, however. As was the way with trauma. And today was one of the worst days Y/N had experienced since she'd left the Lotus. Every yell, brush of an arm or even just someone watching her was setting her off.
And Kaz was making her walk past the Lotus.
She could see the giant, golden lotus that towered over the building from where they were at the end of the street and she felt panic beginning to overwhelm her. Someone walked past wearing a strong, orange blossom perfume and Y/N was plunged even further into the past, a man's face towering over her as she lay immobile on the bed.
"Hey, you ok?"
Y/N blinked and looked to her left, finding Jesper staring at her with worry. Y/N nodded and swallowed her panic. "Fine."
Jesper's eyes flicked from Y/N to the Lotus. "I can tell Kaz -"
"No, don't," Y/N said firmly, shaking her head. "I'll be fine."
Jesper nodded reluctantly. "Ok. I'm with you, yeah? You're not alone."
Y/N's little finger wrapped around Jesper's and she squeezed it, giving him a watery smile. "Thanks, Jes."
As they walked closer to the Lotus, Jesper moved closer to Y/N's side, still giving her space, but close enough that she knew he was there.
But as the giant, golden Lotus began to loom over them, Y/N felt panic beginning to grip her mind. She tripped over a loose pebble and stumbled into a passing man. He grabbed her arm tightly and hauled her into the alleyway that ran down past the Lotus.
Y/N tried to fight the man off as he shoved her up against the wall, a hand-tight around her throat, a knee pressed into her stomach.
"Hello, Blossom," he snarled. His breath stank of alcohol and it didn't take Y/N long before she remembered.
He'd been one of her customers. He'd been the one to ruin her and was the cause of many of the scars on her body. Y/N choked as his grip around her throat tightened and she turned her head towards the main street, desperately looking for Jesper or Kaz.
Her saint came from above.
Inej leapt off the roof of the Lotus and silently pressed a knife to the man's throat, her eyes blazing with anger.
"Let her go," she hissed, pressing the blade into the man's neck, blood blossoming in a neat line.
The click of a gun being cocked. "Now, please," Jesper added.
Y/N exhaled, trying not to cough, as the man let go of her throat and moved away. She felt Jesper grab her arm and pulled her out from under the man and into his side, shielding her.
"Well, what did you want with her?" Kaz asked, limping into the alley. Y/N stared at him as he approached. Because it wasn't Kaz. It was Dirtyhands.
"Why? She your whore or something?"
Y/N didn't even see Kaz's cane move until the man was lying on the floor, screaming in pain, holding his now limp arm.
"She belongs to no one," Kaz hissed, leering over at him. "She's not mine, nor is she yours."
Y/N stared at the whimpering man on the ground and was suddenly struck with rage. It filled her instantly. Rage at the man who'd stolen something so intimate and precious from her, rage at the shit card she'd been dealt with in life and rage that she'd let him grab her.
"I'm no one's whore," Y/N said, stepping forward with deadly grace. She held a hand out to Kaz for his cane and he wordlessly handed it over. Y/N threw the cane up, caught it, and slammed it down into the man's head, knocking him out instantly.
Just like, all the rage left her body. Y/N stared at the man as she was assaulted by the memories and the feeling of someone else's hands on her. Her vision blackened and she felt her knees buckle and she was falling backwards, nothing left within her to even try to stop her descent to the ground.
An arm grabbed hers and hauled her back up, stopping her descent. Another arm looped through her other one and Y/N opened her eyes, vaguely aware that it was Jesper and Inej and not an enemy. But her mind didn't register the difference. She couldn't distinguish the difference.
"Don't touch me," Y/N mumbled, her head drooping.
Jesper and Inej both lurched forward as Y/N pitched forward bonelessly, completely limp in their arms.
Kaz looked up as a gentle knock came from his door. "Come in."
The door creaked open and Y/N crept in, almost as quietly as Inej was. Which was his first sign that something was wrong.
"Hi," Y/N said softly, waving a jumper clad hand at him. "I just wanted to say sorry about ruining the job -"
"No need to apologise, Y/N," Kaz said, looking up at her from his work.
"It was unprofessional and I really shouldn't be reacting like that after so long -"
"Y/N, you've been out of there nine months," Kaz said, setting his pen down. "You're bound to have setbacks. Inej does. Jesper does too sometimes - we all do whether we came from a Pleasure House or the old building that likes to call itself Ketterdam University."
"I just... I'm normally ok," Y/N continued, fiddling with her sleeves. "I can cope with it all but there were just too many hands on me and I could smell the room I used to be in and suddenly -"
"You were drowning. Your legs wouldn't kick you to the surface so the easiest thing to do was just sink."
Y/N nodded, a look of gratitude in her eyes as she realised that Kaz understood. "Yeah. Which is why I don't really like being touched. I'm ok... I'm ok with Inej and Jesper because I trust them but even then... Jesper scares me sometimes. And I wish he didn't because he's doing nothing wrong but sometimes... sometimes I'm just back in that floral hell."
Kaz didn't reply. He wordlessly pulled out a crystal decanter of alcohol and two glasses, setting one in front of him and the other in front of the chair opposite him.
Y/N walked over and sat down in the chair, watching the amber liquid fill the crystal glass. She picked it up and took a curious sip before downing the entire thing.
"I hate people touching me," Kaz said after a while. His gloved hand was wrapped around his glass and his eyes were locked on the leather. "If they do I sometimes pass out. I've managed to get a handle on it so I can cope with handshakes and business pats - you know the sort. But sometimes I hate that I can't touch people."
"Because it makes you feel ill?"
"Because I can't touch you." Kaz looked at her. "Because I can't be the one to help you when you're struggling." He sighed, looking back down at his gloves. "I wish I could... touch you enough for you to know that you are not alone."
Y/N smiled at him. She reached her foot out and tapped Kaz's shoe with hers. His head shot up to stare at her. "I know I'm not alone, Kaz. And I don't need you to touch me for me to know you care. There are other ways."
"So this whole... no 'touchy' as Jesper annoyingly likes to call it, doesn't bother you?"
Y/N shook her head. "No. Why would it? I hate being touched too. We're practically made for each other, Brekker."
Y/N reached across the desk and snatched up the decanter, pouring more into her glass. Kaz felt a smile on his lips and ducked his head, trying to hide it.
"Good," was all he said. Kaz cleared his throat and handed Y/N a piece of paper. As she took it, their fingers brushed for a second. "Now, I was thinking if we reschedule the job for Thursday, that gives us three days to find a buyer."
"The Fjerdans will be here then," Y/N pointed out.
And just like that, the personal, private moment passed and business started up once again. But now there was a new understanding between the two about what both could and couldn't do. Besides, no one was going to notice if their feet rested on top of the others, under the desk, would they?
Request by @peoniarose . Hi! I just saw your request celebration! Congratulations! You are an amazing writer! I especially love your Shadow and Bone stories. The Kaz one made me tear up 😭. For a request I was wondering if you could do prompt 3 for Kaz. Maybe a romantic pairing. If not platonic is fine! Once again congratulations 🎊🍾🎉🎈!!
A/N: I don't know how I feel about Kaz's characterisation in this... but I like this story a lot so oh, and thank you @intrxpide13 bc i totally borrowed jesper and wylan's daughter from you but you love me so Elizabeth its fine. Also, I desperately need to make some more Kaz gifs for my stories 😂
Summary: Mr and Mrs Rietveld, a locked vault and approximately ten minutes of air left. What could possibly go wrong?
"I'm slightly concerned for my life."
"I have fourteen knives on me, yet I can't help but agree."
"I could knock them both out?"
"Or I could poison their drinks so they're out for a good few days."
"You're all horrible."
Four sets of eyes turned to look at Matthias.
"Do you want to go and tell them to quit it, then?" Jesper asked, nodding over to the bar.
Matthias shrunk back into his seat. "Nope."
Inej looked over at the bar again. "One of them is going to kill the other before the evening is over."
"My bet is on Y/N," Wylan said, leaning around Jesper to grab the bottle of alcohol. "She looks murderous."
"So does Kaz," Nina reminded.
"Nah, Kaz always looks like that," Wylan corrected. "Y/N, however, does not."
"Shit, they're coming," Jesper hissed, slouching back down in his seat.
Silence fell over the table as a murderous looking Kaz and an even more murderous looking Y/N rejoined their group. Y/N pointedly moved away from Kaz, taking Matthias offered hand as she clambered over him to sit in between him and Nina.
Kaz glared at her as he sat down in the chair at the centre of the table, his cane still in his hands. "So, despite some retaliation from certain people," a pointed glare was sent at Y/N but she ignored it, "we're going ahead with the job tomorrow night."
Y/N scoffed but kept quiet.
"Hang on, I thought we'd decided not to do the heist since it was too risky?" Inej asked, frowning.
"We did. Which is why, only two of us will be going into the bank. The rest of us will wait outside and cause a distraction should anything go wrong," Kaz explained.
There was an uneasy silence at the table. Y/N kept her eyes lowered, not wanting to say anything. She knew the plan was stupid. Jesper knew, Wylan knew, Matthias knew - everyone except Kaz knew.
And all because it was related to Pekka Rollins. It was Pekka Rollins they were stealing from - it was Rollins' collection they were taking from.
For no reason other than because they could.
Y/N found herself speaking before she even realised it. "And because it's so risky, Kaz and I will be going in."
Six pairs of eyes turned to stare at her. All had a mix of emotions ranging from concern to murder. The latter belonging to Kaz.
"No offence, Y/N, Kaz," Jesper said, leaning forward. "But how exactly are you getting inside the bank and then to the 'vault' we've got?"
Kaz knew he was going to regret this decision.
He still did it anyway.
"Ladies and gentlemen, Merchlings and Heartrenders, meet Mr and Mrs Rietveld."
The bank was one of the most beautiful buildings in Ketterdam. It was made from white stone with all marble floors and pillars - it was a work of art.
Each countertop was trimmed with gold and the black and white checkerboard floor had the bank insignia set into the middle using coloured marble.
Y/N and Kaz strolled into the bank, dressed in the high-end fashions of the Merchants and the wealthy. Kaz had kept his cane since it fitted in with the general aesthetic they were aiming for but Y/N had had to leave her knives and revolvers behind in the care of Inej and Jesper.
Y/N shifted her arm through Kaz's a bit and he flinched slightly but she didn't notice, far too engrossed in looking at the chandelier hanging over the teller's desk.
"Saints," Y/N whispered, staring at the glass, diamond and gold monstrosity. "One day, I want to have a chandelier like that."
"They're a nightmare to dust," Kaz muttered.
"Like you would know."
The head of the bank beamed at them as they approached his desk. "Ah, hello! How may I help you this fine evening?"
"Good evening, sir!" Kaz said, raising his voice and forcing a smile to his face. Y/N almost shuddered it looked so unnatural. "My wife and I would like to pop into our vault - it's our nieces birthday soon and we're looking for a family heirloom to hand down to her."
Y/N tried not to show her confusion or surprise. at the false story. Kaz often came up with the most random stories during heists but this was a first.
"Of course! What's the vault number and name?"
"Rietveld. And the vault is 230421."
The teller pursued his lips as he flicked through the books. "Ah, here you are!" He opened a drawer and handed a key to Kaz. "I'll have Margot here walk you down. Feel free to make your own way back up once you're done, the dropbox for the keys is by the door."
A young woman with her black hair neatly tied back in a bun stepped forward and smiled. "If you'll follow me, Mr and Mrs Rietveld."
Y/N was never going to get used to that.
Margot led them down a corridor lit by small clam-shaped lights hanging on the walls and to a sweeping marble staircase that led down to the vaults.
"Fourth row on the left, second door in as you walk into the red hall," she explained.
"Thank you," Y/N said, beaming at her gratefully. As soon as Margot left, however, her smile fell. "Niece?! Who's daughter is our niece?!"
"Jesper and Wylan's naturally," Kaz replied, walking down the rest of the stairs.
Y/N picked up the hem of her dark burgundy dress, chasing after him. "What makes you think they'd choose a daughter?"
"The fact that Jesper was workshopping names with Nina two nights ago - the top name, by the way, being Charlotte."
Y/N rolled her eyes. "Naturally." She sighed. "Kaz, I still don't think this is a good idea."
"Yes, I know your opinion on this job," Kaz said, barely even glancing at her.
"And do you think if I keep sighing dramatically, I'll make my point?"
"Nope."
"Fair enough."
After walking down the wrong row, getting lost twice and almost being knocked out by yet another chandelier - Y/N was grateful Kaz hadn't been right behind her when she'd stepped back suddenly - they found the vault.
"After you, wife," Kaz drawled, waving to the vault.
Y/N rolled her eyes but walked inside it, her eyes widening almost instantly.
"Saints above," she breathed.
Kaz smirked from behind her. "I know."
Almost every inch of the vault had something either on it or clearly labelled as being inside it.
"Who's vault is this?" Y/N asked, walking further inside, a hand trailing across the edge of a framed DeKappel leaning against the wall.
"It's a generic one, really. Anything we get from heists comes in here until we either sell it or use it for something else," Kaz explained. He walked up to a drawer and pulled out a little key, unlocking it.
"What's in there?"
"The key to Pekka's vault."
"Hang on I thought the thing we were stealing was in this vault," Y/N said, frowning.
"I never said that."
"Kaz, if we get caught -"
"Well, then, we won't get caught, will we?" Kaz snapped, whirling to face her.
Y/N was taken aback by the fire and sheer determination in his eyes that she took a small step back. Kaz closed his eyes and his shoulders slumped.
"We'll be in and out," he said, quieter this time. "I promise."
Y/N nodded. "Fine."
They left their vault and quietly walked down the rows upon rows of other secure vaults, searching for the number engraved on the key in Kaz's gloved hands.
"Why does Pekka Rollins get to you so much?"
Kaz's cane slowed slightly. "He's a horrible person."
"Yes, and so is literally everyone else in Ketterdam, Kaz, that's not a reason. And besides, you're not usually a fight the evil type of person."
Kaz let out an imperceptible sigh. "He took something from me in my first few weeks in Ketterdam. Something very precious to me and... and ever since I've been seeking revenge."
"So, all of this is about revenge?"
"If you want to look at it that way, yes."
"What other way is there to look at it?" Y/N asked, turning to face him.
Kaz stilled. "Well, I suppose the other way to look at it is that I'm just trying really hard to piss him off."
Y/N giggled. And then breathed in and burst out laughing. Kaz stared at her, his lips trying to convince him to smile, his heart pounding in his head. Saints, if he could he would live off her laughter and nothing else.
"Saints, sometimes I forget that, really, we're just children," Y/N said, wiping the corner of her eyes. "Pissing people off works wonders for revenge and pain, by the way. I would know.
Kaz didn't miss the way her eyes twinkled as she paused. He knew exactly what she was referring to. He'd helped her burn down the pleasure house she'd been indebted to - the two of them laughing maniacally as the fire licked up the perfume and memories.
No one had been inside, of course. They may be criminals but they weren't psychopaths.
Kaz smirked. He nodded to the door next to Y/N. "That's the vault."
Once Kaz had unlocked the door it took both of them to actually open it. The door was heavy and thick - probably one of the most protected vaults in the entire building.
"Ok, I was going to ask why we didn't just pick the lock, but now I understand," Y/N said, panting. She braced her hands on her legs and exhaled. "Bloody hell."
"Welcome to the world of locked rooms," Kaz muttered.
Pekka's vault was far more organised than the one belonging to the Dregs. Everything was clearly labelled and had a home.
Which, coincidentally, also made it incredibly easy to steal from.
Kaz was like a magpie when it spots something shiny - he limped forward with such vigour he barely used his cane. He opened a drawer and pulled out an ornate dagger with an emerald handle and two dragons wrapped around the blade.
"Oh, that's beautiful," Y/N said, unable to contain her awe at the blade. She felt heat rise to her cheeks. "Sorry."
"No, I agree," Kaz said, cradling the dagger gently in his hands. He turned around and offered it to Y/N. At her blank stare he said, "your dress does possess pockets, does it not? A rare feat I know."
Y/N rolled her eyes but slotted the dagger into a pocket within the pleats of her skirt. "So, is that it? Can we -"
A loud thud came from outside the vault. Both Kaz and Y/N stilled, slowly turning to see what it was. Neither one of them moved as another thud came followed by whispered voices.
Then the vault door began to close.
Y/N ran up to it and tried to push against it but the automatic locking mechanism kicked in and she was pushed back into the vault. The door slammed shut and hissed as it locked into place. She slammed her hand against the metal and swore loudly.
Kaz silently approached the door and pressed a gloved hand to the lock, running his thumb over it, his eyes scanning the lock closely.
"Please tell me you have a 'we got locked in the vault' plan," Y/N pleaded, panic beginning to set in.
"I do."
"And?"
"Well, I try to pick the lock," Kaz explained, kneeling down in front of it.
"I thought you couldn't!"
"I never said I couldn't, Y/N. See, in a world full of locks and secrets, anyone with the key is king." Kaz turned to face her, his eyes dark and full of malice, full of wanting, full of desire and revenge. "And honey, you should see me in a crown."
For the next few minutes, Y/N sat on the floor and watched Kaz rhythmically fiddle with the lock, his fingers like a spiders legs as it weaved its web.
As the fourth minute of being trapped rolled around, Y/N began to feel short of breath. She looked over at Kaz and could see beads of sweat begin to roll down his forehead and realised that she too was sweating. Y/N shrugged out of her overcoat and dumped it on the floor, pushing the sleeves of her dress up to her elbows.
"The air is running out, isn't it," Y/N said softly, her words slow as she struggled to speak.
Kaz nodded. "The vault door seals off everything. Usually, there is an oxygen supply but -"
"Whoever locked us in here shut it off too," Y/N finished, closing her eyes.
"Yeah."
Kaz sounded defeated. Broken. Y/N opened her eyes and gone was the Bastard of Barrel. Instead was the young boy Kaz actually was.
"How long?"
"Don't know. Less talking means longer."
Y/N nodded. She was growing tired quickly and breathing was getting difficult. There was a metallic ting as Kaz dropped his lockpicks, the metal bouncing on the floor. He hung his head and slumped forward, resting it against the door.
After a moment, Kaz stood up and slowly limped over to sit opposite Y/N, extending his bad leg out in front of him.
"Do you have any regrets?" Y/N asked softly, her eyes closed once more.
"I've lived with regret all my life, Y/N. I'll probably die with regret too," Kaz muttered, pulling the collar of his shirt away from his neck. He leant forward and pulled his arms out of his suit jacket. He sat back and methodically rolled his sleeves up to his elbows. "You?"
"I regret ever meeting you."
A breathless bark of laughter.
Y/N smiled. She exhaled deeply, feeling her head begin to get dizzy. Her limbs were heavy and uncoordinated and she suspected that out of the two of them, she would be the first to succumb to the darkness.
"Talk to me, Y/N," Kaz said, tapping her bent knee with his foot.
"Talking bad," Y/N panted, forcing her heavy eyes to open. Kaz was staring at her and for once, his eyes were a storm of concern, worry, despair and acceptance.
"Why were you so against this?"
"It felt unnecessary," Y/N replied, letting her head fall back against the wall. "You do everything for a reason."
"That dagger is worth 5 thousand kruge."
"I know. But you aren't selling it," Y/N said. "It's going on your shelf. This was personal. And personal means blindness hence," she waved a hand around before letting it fall to the floor with a weighty thud.
"Everything is personal with Pekka Rollins," Kaz muttered.
"Why?"
Kaz paused. "I told you why."
"Kaz, we're dying," Y/N said, her words beginning to come in breathless gasps. It pained Kaz to hear and to see how clammy and pale she was becoming. "We are dying so, there's no point... no point in lying." Y/N coughed and then fell back against the wall again.
Kaz looked down at his gloved hands, contemplating his life and choices. He glanced up at Y/N again and a bolt of fire hit his heart as he watched her head loll to the side. Kaz swallowed thickly as he moved to his knees and crawled over to her, coming to sit on her right.
He raised a black hand and lightly tapped Y/N's cheek, almost recoiling as Jordie flashed through his mind.
"I'm awake," Y/N mumbled, her eyes blearily opening.
Kaz gently pushed her head up, grabbing her chin as softly as he could and making her look at him. "Stay with me, ok? Just a bit longer, Y/N."
"I'm tired of this, Kaz," Y/N whispered. "So tired."
Kaz didn't know if she meant him or just life in general. He felt the ocean begin to drown him again but he pushed on, taking her hand in his. His gloved fingers wrapped around her bare ones and Y/N jumped slightly.
"Pekka Rollins took something from me," Kaz said quietly, unsure of where to even begin his tragic tale. "I was twelve when I first arrived in Ketterdam with... with my brother."
"Didn't know you had a brother," Y/N mumbled tiredly, her eyes closed once more.
Kaz was struggling to breathe, every syllable aching on his lungs. "He was older than me and was my whole world. And Pekka took him from me."
"How?"
"Scammed us. Both of us." Kaz paused. "Then the Queen's Lady Plague hit and we both caught it. He died I survived."
Y/N was wheezing, struggling to breathe at all. Her body was growing limper and she was beginning to slump against Kaz.
Kaz shifted, lifting his left arm up to wrap around her shoulders. With every movement, he thought he might drown underneath the waves, underneath Jordie's rotten corpse. But he kept going. Because his time was limited and he wasn't about to let his trauma ruin his last moments with Y/N. Kaz pulled Y/N against him and she slumped against his chest. He could feel how slow her heartbeat was and knew time was running out.
Death was finally catching up to them.
"Except no one knew I was alive," Kaz continued, a hand on Y/N's wrist, measuring her ever weaker pulse. "So, I was thrown on the Reaper's Barge with my dead brother and countless others."
Y/N moaned softly, her head lolling against him. Kaz looked down and tightened his grip around her even as he felt his own breath leave him, his own heart slowing.
"I survived, though. I used my brother's corpse to get to shore and from there..." Kaz chuckled dryly, regretting the action as he coughed violently for a moment. "Well, look at me now."
"I'm sorry..." Y/N whispered, her voice so soft and quiet Kaz almost missed it. "About... your brother."
"He was an idiot." Kaz said the words with so much venom it actually surprised him. "Y/N, listen... I want you to know something."
A soft noise of what might have been yes escaped Y/N's lips. Her eyes were closed and she was so close to just slipping off the edge it was scaring him. Kaz had always seen himself dying alone at a young age. Dying before anyone else because he couldn't see himself living until he was old. He couldn't see himself outliving anyone else.
Yet here he was, Y/N in his arms, watching her die before him. Even if it was just seconds or minutes - he'd still be alone with her dead body for however long it took for death to find him.
Kaz had never seen himself falling in love. He'd lost too much to love to make the same mistake again. But then Jesper had arrived. And then Inej. And then Y/N. And he suddenly had three friends who cared for him. His crows.
"I never thought I could love again," Kaz said quietly, more to himself than anyone else. It was a confession to the Saints Inej believed in, in futile hope they'd accept him with open arms. Y/N shifted in his arms as she went limper, more energy leaving her as the air ran out.
Kaz knew it was far too late for any sort of forgiveness. He'd killed so many, shed so much blood on the streets of Ketterdam that he was long gone. Y/N too. She too had suffered and lost things. She'd been broken by men and slavers and used and abused by those hungry for a side piece.
Somehow, though, she kept smiling. Somehow, she was still kind and loving. She was everything Kaz wasn't. But they were both broken and broken things attracted each other. And broke each other as well as fixing each other.
"I never thought I would love anyone," Kaz repeated, quieter now as his air ran out. "Not after Jordie and... and my Da. Yet here you are. My own Saint from above."
Y/N said nothing. Kaz looked down and realised that at some point whilst he'd been in his own mind, she'd passed out and stopped breathing. He wanted to be sad. He wanted to grieve and cry and try to save her.
But he was just so tired.
Kaz brushed a piece of hair out of Y/N's still warm face and sighed to himself. His eyes began to close and Kaz felt a smile on his face as he stared at nothing.
"Hello, Jordie," he whispered as his eyes shut. "I forgive you."
Kaz finally felt at peace. But then there was noise and too many shadows around and him and too many hands and the water splashed over him and then he bolted upright, his eyes wild and wide-open as he fought off whoever it was.
"Saints, Kaz, it's us!" Jesper yelled, catching Kaz's balled-up fist just before it landed a decent punch to his face. "Kaz, it's Jesper, calm down."
"Let go of my hand," Kaz grounded out, still confused and, honestly, scared.
"Are you going to punch me?"
"At some point, yes, but not right now," Kaz muttered.
Jesper dropped his hand from Kaz's and Kaz instantly retreated into himself, pushing himself away. And then it hit him.
"Y/N..."
Jesper's face fell. He nodded to the side and Kaz's eyes followed his gaze.
Y/N was lying on the floor, her hair spread around her like a Saint's halo, as Nina and Matthias surrounded her, trying to resuscitate her. Matthias pinched Y/N's nose and brought his lips to her blue tinged ones, breathing air into her still lungs.
"She wasn't breathing when we... we got in," Jesper said quietly. Kaz didn't miss the slight break in the man's voice as he spoke.
Kaz didn't say anything. He just watched as Nina brought her hands together and down to Y/N's chest, sending her power through her veins.
"Where's Inej and Wylan?" Kaz asked, his eyes locked on Y/N's body as it rocked slightly from Nina's constant attempts to restart her heart.
"Dealing with the Razourgulls," Jesper replied. "They were -"
"I guessed it was them," Kaz said quietly.
Once again, Pekka Rollins had blinded him. Once again, he was going to lose the person he loved to Pekka Rollins. Once again, Kaz had made a stupid, stupid mistake.
Kaz wanted to tell Nina and Matthias to give up and let Y/N go in peace. He wanted to tell them to just leave her alone and to stop forcing air into her lungs and to stop forcing her heart to beat again.
Because she looked so peaceful lying there. And Kaz knew that peace was rare in a life so broken and so filled with heartache, pain and grief.
"Jes, tell them to stop," Kaz said, his voice cracking slightly.
Jesper frowned at him. "Why?"
"Because..." Kaz inhaled sharply as the words got caught in his throat. "Because she's suffered enough. Let her go."
Kaz could see the conflict in Jesper's eyes. He didn't want Y/N to be dead. But there was no point in forcing her to keep living when she was finally at peace.
Kaz only hoped that when his time finally came, he too would find peace. What shape it would come in, he didn't know. But he hoped he'd find it. And if he did, he hoped Y/N would be there too.
Jesper looked at Kaz. And then he nodded. "Nina, stop," Jesper said quietly.
"No, I can do this, I'm not letting her die," Nina said firmly, shaking her head.
"Nina," Jesper said again. "Let her go."
"No."
"Nina, please, let her be at peace," Jesper said softly, crouching down behind her. He put a hand on her shoulder. "Let her go home, Nina. Let her finally rest."
Nina sobbed and fell back into Jesper, her shoulders shaking as she cried. Jesper wrapped his arms around her, cradling her and shielding her from Y/N's body as all four of them sat in the heavy silence.
Kaz's eyes were locked onto Y/N's body. Even as Matthias moved her hands to rest on her stomach, he stared. He couldn't get over how peaceful she looked. How, finally, she was free of her ghosts.
Kaz shook his head and blinked because he could swear he was seeing things. Because he thought he'd seen Y/N's chest rise. He rubbed his eyes and looked again as Y/N coughed violently, rolling onto her side as she struggled to catch her breath.
Nina's sobs turned into tears of joy as she looked at Y/N, seeing her alive and breathing and making more noise than she had in the last ten minutes. Matthias held Y/N up, rubbing her back as she greedily gulped down the fresh air, clutching Matthias' arm tightly as she braced herself.
Kaz sighed, almost collapsing to the floor with relief.
For a moment there was just silence.
"Nina, I'm pretty sure Matthias has now kissed me more than you," Y/N croaked.
Nina, despite her tears and terror, leant forward and whacked Y/N's arm. And then bundled her to the floor in the tightest hug Y/N had ever had.
Kaz hovered outside Y/N's bedroom door. He knocked once, not allowing himself a second to hesitate. Silence greeted him. Frowning, Kaz opened the door and peered inside.
Y/N's bed was still made - only slightly crumpled from where Matthias had laid her last night after they'd escaped the bank. It was obvious she hadn't slept that night.
Neither had Kaz, in all fairness.
Kaz trudged down the stairs to the main room of the Slat, his eyes scanning the dark room for any sign of her.
"She's in the kitchen," Wylan said sleepily as he shuffled past, a cup of tea in his hands. "Stress baking," he added, raising an eyebrow at Kaz.
Kaz said nothing. He nodded his thanks to Wylan and headed down the corridor to the kitchen. He was greeted by the smell of fresh cookies and his stomach growled in response.
Y/N was humming to herself as she slid the fresh cookies off the tray and onto a plate, picking off the crumbs as she set the tray back in the oven.
"Want one?"
Kaz resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Of course, she knew he was there.
"Have you slept?"
"Have you?"
The tone and the quick response told Kaz everything he needed to know about Y/N's state of mind. Whilst she was usually quick at her comebacks and witty comments, she was never harsh with them. But now, there was something to her words that worried Kaz.
"Wylan said you're stress baking."
He was stating the obvious but he wasn't entirely sure what else to say.
Y/N said nothing. She'd boiled the kettle again and now took it off the stove and poured the water into two cups. "I'm not ok."
Kaz nodded. He inhaled deeply. "Neither am I."
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Me neither."
"I do have one question, however," Y/N continued, turning around to face him.
Kaz looked at her, taking in the bags under her eyes and the way her posture was drooping. "What?"
"I don't... I don't remember a lot of what we said to each other last night," she said softly, her voice cracking a bit. "A lot of it is fuzzy but... I remember you mentioned your brother."
Kaz braced himself. He was regretting mentioning his brother and Pekka. Ideally, he just wanted to forget the night had ever happened.
"What was his name?"
Y/N's question stunned him into silence. Of all the possibilities that had run through his head, that question had not been one of them. But then again, he should've realised that Y/N wouldn't pry unless he was ready. It was just the two of them in the kitchen in the late afternoon silence. Y/N looked exhausted and perhaps a bit more broken than she had been the day before but as Kaz stared at her, she gave him a reassuring smile and nod.
When the ocean began to drag him down to the darkness, Y/N's anchor managed to pull him back up and keep him grounded. Keep him bobbing along a bit longer.
So, he looked her in the eye and said: "Jordie. His name was Jordie."
this is probably a little overdue but let's just ignore that whoops
hi! welcome to my humble little blog, where i post about shadow and bone/grishaverse stuff. you guys can call me sidra, and my pronouns are she/her.
also if anyone wants to be moots pls lets be friends!!
here are some of my other interests:
- marvel
- harry potter
- uhh like various tv shows (supernatural, sherlock, stranger things, the good place, manifest and like a bunch of other stuff too probaly)
- music i listen to: alec benjamin, harry styles, taylor swift, sleeping at last, onerepublic, imagine dragons and basically just a bunch of different stuff hehe
hey guys! i told my future roommate about my touch aversion today!!
i was super duper nervous bc i haven't really told anybody about it and i didn't want to be weird but she was super nice about it (thankfully). i couldn't really explain to her why or how because i'm not ready for that, but she was still so kind about it!
idk i'm just a really private person and it's really hard for me to trust people like this but i'm really glad this worked out okay
hey guys can you interact with this post if you believe that touch aversion is a real thing that people struggle with i’m trying to make a point to my dad :/
dededos
gummygunk
jacobvanloon
titsay
germansingergirl
