I lost my Mom on 3/30/19. My grief has been overwhelming. At first everyone was checking in, making sure I was okay but it seems as a few weeks passed, life went on and everyone seems to feel I have moved forward as well. Yes I go to work. It was a business my mom and I ran together so I have to go to keep it running. I take care of my dogs and some days they are the only thing that gets me to get up and do something because my mind and body wanted to hide away from this new world. My life has been divided into while mom was alive and life after mom has passed. People ask me how I’m doing and I just say I’m fine or okay. I don’t feel they want to hear the truth. The truth is most of the time I’m hanging on by a string. I want to run away from all these feelings but there is no where to escape from them. Sometimes I want to scream, sometimes I can’t hold back the tears and other times I just start feeling so angry and get aggravated over things that use to not bother me.
Everyone says that the memories will make me feel better. I can tell you right now the memories just make me cry. Some days I am hungry. Other days I think I’m hungry but when I start eating, I can’t get it down. Other days I just want junk food. Sleep is hard now. I dream about her. Not comforting dreams remembering good times, but dreams of how I could have done things differently and changed the outcome. I can’t count the number of times I wake up during the night but I know I spend my days exhausted from lack of sleep and these overwhelming emotions.
I burst into tears for the most simple reasons. I might get a picture in my mind of her or see something she use to love to buy at the store or go somewhere and imagine how much she would love to be there and the tears start flowing. I don’t know when I’ll be able to walk in any place we went together without feeling sad that she is not with me anymore.
I’m dealing with all the paperwork that comes from someone dying. Its hard. Every paper I fill out or every phone call I make, brings all the emotions right back up. I feel like just throwing the paperwork up in the air and forgetting about it, but I remind myself that mom wanted me to be the one to do this for her so with that in mind, I keep forging ahead, try to keep the tears at bay and try to keep my mind straight enough to tackle all of this.
So to everyone that I’ve told that I’m okay or fine when you ask, its not the truth. I am not okay. I am not fine. I lost a big part of my heart and there is this big hole there that just keeps ripping and tearing every day. I put on a good front when inside all I want to do is run away and be alone and try to figure out why this happened. See, she wasn’t sick, doctors told me she was doing well physically so its obvious the reasons on the death certificate really aren’t the reasons, just things she had been diagnosed with previously. I will never know why she died and that is hard. I don’t know how to move forward without her either. I have my husband and my children but I know that especially for my children, this hasn’t been easy for them either.
Mostly I miss my mom and want her back with all my heart.
