ok ok ok so. i'm in a very complicated situation rn. lemme start from the beginning: -so i'm best friends with this girl for years -our friend group talks abt sexualities, me + other girl come to conclusion that we're bisexual, the best friend thinks she *might* be too -realize i'm in love with her -confess to her later -she doesn't like me that way
-i don't think she's straight????? -time passes -we're both in a religion btw -she asks me one day abt our religion's views on homosexuality -i tell her one of the views, that it's alright -she says ok -she's still questioning btw -i think she might be bi/pan leaning towards guys
-i move to a different country -i leave the religion, not out yet to anyone tho -but we still text -she sends me a post one day abt homosexuality -it's that other view, that homosexuality is wrong -she believes in that view and is trying to persuade me to undo my bisexuality in some way or ignore it -getting strong indoctrination and internalized homophobia vibes here -she thinks i'm still in the religion and is trying to convince me on her views on homosexuality -i try to argue back carefully since i can't let her know i've left -anyway we fight -and apologize a few days later -and she suggests we don't talk abt religious stuff because we always fight abt it
-i say ok -i do flood my insta story (that she sees) with lgbt posts out of passive aggressiveness -i know i know, but i couldnt help it because i have very liberal views and i feel very strongly abt religious homophobia and sexuality -i sort of wanted to punish and test her -'this is me, this sexuality is a part of me, not a test by god, and i'm gonna show it and make it obvious, and you have to choose between remaining with me despite it or not.'
-we don't speak for three months.
-our only interaction is viewing each others' stories -she texts me with something random a few days later -we're talking again -i've forgiven her at this point -after all, before i left, i was just like her, i believed the same things she did -i want to believe that just like me, she'll come around and see things for what they truly are. -idk what to do till then
-i'm still in love with her -i still feel elated whenever she texts -i still feel that spark when i hear her name
-i want to get over her, over it -but still remain her best friend -it's hard because a huge part of getting over someone is to cut them off completely -and for those three months i did not think of her, so it worked a little -but when she texted it all came flooding back.
-i'm so, so, so fucked. what do i do?
Hello dear anon. I am so, so sorry about your situation, and even more sorry I wasn't able to respond until now. I know it's been quite some time, but in the case that you are still struggling with this or that anyone else can benefit from hearing your story and my two cents about it, here's my answer.
It can be really complicated navigating relationships with people who do not share the same values or outlooks as you do, and not everyone has the ability or desire to cut ties with those people. My best friend growing up was one of those people who was very indoctrinated in her religious upbringing and beliefs, which led to the two of us having more frequent arguments as we got older, and eventually ended in a painful split and end in our friendship. I don't regret our separation, looking back I think it was for the best because we just valued, believed, and wanted different things in life. I still wish her the best, but if what allows us both to live our happiest lives is being apart, then so be it.
I understand your pain, and your conflict, however I know that I personally cannot tolerate any kind of...well, intolerance, like that in the people I associate with. I just don't have the energy. Ultimately it's up to you whether you believe your lives will be happier together or apart. That also includes whether you decide to move on from her romantically or not. I can attest that--at least in my own experience--it's not impossible to get over being in love with someone while still interacting with them or being friends with them. That's my track record so far anyway, having two exes that are still friends of mine and even speak to regularly. That isn't to say that it isn't still hard sometimes, or that it doesn't take a certain type of strength or maturity to be able to maintain these relationships and let go of the expectations and hopes you once had for what they could have been, but it is certainly possible and even worthwhile if you can stomach it.
I don't have a straight answer for you, as easy as I wish it could be. I see three main potential roads that you could go down, those being: continuing to wait and see if she'll ever come around to your side of things, letting go of your romantic expectations and moving on while trying to maintain the friendship, or just letting go. I don't know how much things may have changed or not since you sent this ask, but if you're still at a crossroads then there's a chance that you had a gut feeling reading those options. Only you know what you really need, and sometimes you don't know until you get it, or you start walking down that path. All I know is that you have to do what's best for you, as painful or difficult as that may be.
Change is possible in all people, you're living proof of that, but sometimes it takes people lifetimes to open their hearts and minds to learn or unlearn what they need to. Whatever you decide, I hope you are able to prioritize your own happiness in this short life that you have now. You deserve to live proudly as your most authentic self, to love freely surrounded by people who accept you for who and what you are--all of you. Time is precious, your time here is precious, so use it wisely. Use it to do right by yourself, your heart, and your values, to live the life that you truly want.
So, my friend, I leave you with a final question to ponder:
In the long run, what do you truly want?
I hope that this can be of some help or comfort, my DMs are still open if you ever need a friend. <3
All my love and best wishes always,
