As a Christmas present I compiled the tales of some of the most cringe worthy sexual experiences from a few friends.
*Very little editing was done to this literary masterpiece*
“You’re going to wake up one day, and scratch your head wondering how your life came to this point.” He was right. We kind of, he gave me crabs. I guess I should have seen it coming, I mean I met the guy on Clover, so I should have expected he wold have some ego issues. I went on a 40 minute coffee date with the dud. About 2 minutes after I said I didn't want to get together again, he made two or three consecutive Facebook posts about how girls don't like him and how it's so unfair and wrong.
The only reason I joined clover was to see if I could find some guy I hooked up with once, from Gold City. As I watched his legs wander around my room the morning after he said that we would see each other again. I poked my head out of my pillow cave asking if he was going to leave a number or nah? He just assured me that I’d hear from him. But like how though? I was not about to wait around for some man, so I figured I’d help a homey out a bit, and super like his profile. But I swear some cowboys must have jacked that shoeless sex monkey’s phone because he was impossible to find on social media.
Not about to fall into a 9 month drought, I decided I may as well start swiping left. I felt like I needed someone who knew what they were doing, so I zoned in on those 30-year old’s. I was real ready for the D when I stumbled upon this guy. Only half his face was on the profile, and nothing much written on it. But a real hunky guy none the less. So my thirsty ass started talking to him, we chatted and asked me to come over and to come through the back alley. As I was driving over I asked myself “am I gonna get murdered?” but hey a girl gotta take risks sometimes. So I wait. This African prince comes out, hotter than his profile. I feel myself drooling over this guy, next thing he says is “yeah we're gonna have to be quiet, my daughter is upstairs and she's having troubles sleeping.” I'm like ok? Didn't pay much attention as he said he was single... We go inside, get hot and sweaty, and I head home.
The next day I went to of study for my wine tasting exam with a group of other liberal arts students. A few hours and two flights later it was just my friend, this weird 30-year old dude, and me. About two seconds after the last connoisseur left, the 30-year old turned to my friend and I, and asked "so have you ever licked pussy?" I said “yeah” without thinking, he attempted some follow up questions, but I cut him off with "I need to study". I slid open my nokia slim and saw that I had a received a text from who I assumed was my hot, chocolate, African Prince. But the text was not from him... but from HIS FUCKING WIFE!!! Asking me who I was, and if I were a boy or girl. She was pretty upset at first, she didn't want to know who I am or my name. She still messages me sometimes to ask me how I am, and fill me in on all the kinky shit that she's into, she recently told me about her threesome with her swinger neighbours. The other wife fell asleep halfway through, and they continued to have sex on top of her. Talk about savage.
I was not about that mid-life crisis drama so I took my friend up on the offer to have a foursome with a couple of guys we met dressed up as bananas on Halloween. We went over to this guys house, where he lived with his mom, and the love-making began. It wasn't the best idea as his mom was upstairs. Apparently my moans of passion were super loud, because his mother walked in on us, unimpressed with the situation. She tried to make everyone stay the night so she could "give us a talk" in the morning, but we were like “LOL nope, this is painfully awkward, bye” so we ran out of the house like a group of startled teenagers, and piled into my car to get away. I ended up driving everyone back to my house, and we picked up where we'd left off.
Apparently Banana numero uno started feeling left out. We didn’t mean to disclude him at all, he just had the smallest dick I've ever seen, and no one knew what to do with it. He came in like 12 seconds and got self conscious. Baby banana, apparently snuck out the back door while no one was looking, like bye Felicia. Eventually my friend got bored so she literally just turned into the cool mom from mean girls and was like, "I'll be over here reading if you need anything. Snacks? Condoms? Just let me know!" To be honest I really liked our plantane friend and was hoping for a curtesy “thx for da good time” text the next day. By the time lunch rolled around I was hungry- for his dick, so I texted him like "k kinda thought we had a nice night?" He replied with something about how my bathroom was really messy, and not clean, and that if I wanted to pick up guys I should keep my house cleaner. He’s one to talk, considering he wore his shoes in my house.
Hopes let down, and mirror windex’d, I hit 2nd floor to have some pails of fun. By 10:22 I was wasted out of my mind and wanted to just hook up with anyone. I ended up going home with Chad, a guy who couldn’t even bone and who’s head was shaped like an egg. Talk about a #wasteoftime2016. Despite being absolutely HORRENDOUS, the next day Chad asked if I wanted to go for breakfast, his treat. I was like "hell ya breaky". I honestly didn't care if I paid for it for not, being a strong independent slut and all. So I was like “ok ok cool”. Where we ordered Chad told me "oh ya so you're going to have to pay for yourself because I can't afford a meal for 2" and I'm like "??? but you said???" but like I honestly didn't care, but it was just one of those wtf moments. At least he drove me home afterwards, although he did almost kill me multiple times with his shitty driving. When he dropped me off Chad asked "oh so what's your name again?" and I was like "it's Samantha.... have a good day". Plot twist my name’s not Samantha. About half an hour later, I get a Facebook message from our scrambled friend. So naturally, I blocked him on everything. Shortly after I get a call from my dad, cheap Chad had proceeded to text my FATHER looking for me. Lucky for me, my dad told him that if he was going to speak with me he would have to pay 25% up front. I never head from him again, figures since he couldn’t even pay for my $2.50 toast.
To top off the weird week, my boss started hitting on me. He approached me, touching my lower back he said “oh muffin, you seem off, what’s wrong?” so I just told him the truth. Being single was hella hard. All I wanted was a #boyfriendbyvalentinesday with fabulous hair who I could call evenings and weekends. The shop was slow that day we ended up just talking about all the employee madness from that season, from dish boy Curtis who was dealing pot out of his place but told people to ask him about sandwich’s instead, to the delivery guy who asked me on a date so we could chant together as it would cleanse my soul. I told him about the guitar playing server Meekah who I had a crush on. We were laughing about the time the bartender Julie walked into a shift with her knees all scrapped up from falling in flats while drunk the night before, when my boss the man in a dress shirt who made bad food puns leaned in a kissed me. Long story short, we slept together in the storage room while my coworkers thought I was doing to Sysco order.
Looking back I suppose the struggle of being single all started after I had recently broken up with a guy but was still talking to him in hopes of getting back together. I was absolutely devastated and crazy about this dude. I mean, one time Duncan’s cousin walk in on us by accident, and when he opened the door he was like 'oh shit', then Duncan was like 'what the fuck man', then his cousin thought that was posed as a question, so he proceeded to come back into the room and explain that he couldn't find the ketchup. We had some great times! To help myself move on, I went to Thursden with this guy I had been low key seeing- Robin, and proceeded to get trashed. Despite making out with a random right in front of him, Robin still wanted to take me back to his place, as it was far, and I lazy, I suggested we do it somewhere in school. We ended fucking in a lecture hall I had recently written an exam in, I definitely yelled out Duncan's name multiple times when we had sex. Unfortunately Robin turned out to be boring as fuck so I left him and stumbled back into the bar. I ran into some guy sitting alone sipping beer out of a wine glass, and ended up going back to my room with him. Smashed out of his mind he couldn't get it up, and kept apologizing and then it was just awkward so he left.
The next morning I realized I forgot my phone at the bar. I called them and described my phone perfectly, they had a match. The girl on the line was like "yeah you have a bunch of texts from someone named Matt Royce about a necklace" and I'm like “that’s weird I don't know anyone named Matt Royce”. Turns out Matt Royce was the guy from the night before and had left his necklace in my room. Sure enough, when I got back I noticed a wooden shell necklace lying on my floor. I first show it to Sabrina, who says it is such an awesome necklace and would totally wear one like that. I then show it to Shania who said it was the ugliest fucking necklace she had ever seen, and just laughed at it and took snapchats of it because she found it funny. I am still unsure of how I feel about the necklace. During all this, Matt Royce was texting me asking if he could come by and get his necklace. I was hungover and had shit to do, and was in no mood to deal with him, as the hook up was so awkward. So I just ignored him for the time being. I later went down the hall to my friends' room to enjoy the thermostat and talk about the night before. When I brought up the guy and the necklace Beejal said she knew the guy and she has a few classes with him. Then it dawned on me, I didn't have to deal with any of it, and gave the necklace to Beejal to give to him.
The next day I got text from him saying “Thank you very much for giving the necklace to Beejal” and that he liked "talking" or some shit like that. I just said "No problem, glad you got it back!" and deleted the chain of messages so it was out of sight and out of mind. He turned out to be a fellow math major, who was kind always, so maybe we would've gotten along. Apparently the next year he took a year off and went off the grid to the mountains in California to farm marijuana. At least he didn’t leave me on read.
