It's been a while. Actually, a whole year and 3 months (and a couple days) to be exact. This blog post is so overdue it's frightening. It started brewing months back on my long solo rides, (Yes, I started road cycling!) and now just days before I turn 30, I thought it would be an appropriate time. It's been an eventful year to say the least. And reading my last blog posts, I feel like that's always the case. Haha. Story of my life. But this year for me has been a lot of self-discovery. Ok, so before I get ahead of myself, please note that I still have no idea who I am or what the hell I am doing. I can tell you what I have discovered about myself though. I don't think I could ever say it enough, but seriously, move to a new country. It's the best learning experience of your life. Well for me anyway. It's also the most difficult thing I've ever done, but here I am, still happy as a pig in shit. Before I continue to the "nitty gritty", please note that this blog is purely for my selfish needs and what's been going on in my head. It's my freedom of expression and it is not meant to harm or offend anyone. This is purely about how I've been feeling. My problems aren't as big as other peoples at all. I'm grateful that they aren't. But what I'm saying is that we all have our battles, most people just aren't aware of them. I saw a meme the other day that read "look at your strongest friend, they're bleeding inside" and I was like "OMG! Nailed it"! Ok, so bleeding inside is a bit of an exaggeration. But you get the picture? So, I've always had a good ear for listening and people tend to open up to me very easily. Maybe itās because I open up easily and quickly, Iām not too sure why exactly, but Iāve been like this my whole life. Itās something that Iām proud of. And actually, I think itās an honour that people feel that they can tell me their problems. But there also comes a point when I need to talk. But, like I said, my problems arenāt problems in the big scheme of things, so I shut up. āIām goodā, āyeah, Iām okā. Well actually, not really. I care too much, and I end up taking on other peopleās problems because I care about them too much. I have a big soft heart (something I thought I didnāt still have until recently, but Iāll get into that later). Iām always wanting the people around me to be happy that I tend to forget about myself. I block it out because how can I be weak when I need to be strong for the people that need me? Blocking things out seems to be my coping mechanism. At the beginning of the year I was at a party and one of my good friends whom, unfortunately I donāt see often enough, looked at me and said āSarah, whatās up? I can see youāre not ok.ā And I was like, āyeah nah, Iām just tired.ā A few drinks later and I poured my heart out to her. What struck me the most in this situation was the fact that she could see past my smile and tired laugh and she just knew. For once I felt like I had a shoulder to lean on. For once I felt like someone cared about how I was feeling. I am naturally a happy go lucky person, but we are all human and we canāt all be happy all the time. What most people donāt know is the struggle that I had every single day. Getting up and going to work was the biggest struggle. I made it not be a struggle though, my blocking out mechanism and all. Like seriously, the people got me through. That was the ONLY reason I could get my ass to work every day. The thought of seeing my favourite people and all the banter. All my āfat chatsā on the driveway and all the office antics. Anyone that would give me shit and make me laugh. I only realised how much I had blocked out the fact that I hated my job so much, one-night driving home after a BBQ at a mateās place. I was a bit drunk and I ended up crying the whole way home after a ādiscussionā in the car with my husband. My husband and I have a thing where we will never have an argument or disagreement when we are around other people. We will wait until we are alone to āsort our shit outā because nobody likes it when couples fight and itās awkward AF. I was having a conversation with someone and I said something along the lines of āwe all have our strugglesā and he turned around, butted in, and told me that I donāt have any. YOH BOET! He was about to get it HARD!!!!! I gave him the dirtiest look ever and walked away. So back to the car, I broke down crying hysterically, telling him that he has no idea how unhappy I am and how it is struggle for me Every. Single. Day. to get up with a smile on my face and go to work. I had blocked it out to the point that he didnāt even realise the battle I was fighting every day. Apparently, Iām really good at this āblocking out my feelingsā thing so that I can get through every day. I had blocked out so much that I was starting to think that I had become such a heartless bitch that I couldnāt feel anything anymore. Until I met someone whose actions made me realise that Iām actually not a heartless bitch. Iāve recently developed a zero tolerance for bitchiness and talking badly about people behind their backs unnecessarily. Iām talking about speaking badly about people you donāt even know and passing harsh judgement. Iām sorry, but I will not stand for that level of judgement. I know that people judge me every single day. If only they knew that I judge myself harder than anyone else and Iām my worst critic. Seriously, you donāt need to point out my flaws, Iāll point them out to you. And I do. Iāll tell you my flaws and why Iām not perfect before youāve even thought it, so donāt waste your precious time. Itās not worth it. And Iām sure you have more important things to do with your time, and if not, find something. If thereās anything Iāve learnt from my limited life experiences, itās that everyone is fighting battles that you donāt even know about, so be kind. I had a woman literally come and shit me out unnecessarily on the day my aunty had died. I had made the choice to harden up and go to work and be strong and that bitch broke me. She had no idea obviously, but I had made the tough decision to not cancel her nail appointment and inconvenience her life and I ended up a mess. If she knew would she have done things differently? Probably not. I donāt really care. Iām over it and now have zero respect for her. The scary thing that you realise as you get older is that people are selfish. Iām not saying that Iām not selfish. Damn, I think Iām becoming more selfish finally. Selfish in a way to make me happy. Iāve been begged to take my old job back, but Iām not stupid. Iām wanted back for their selfish reasons, itās not for my happiness, and at the end of the day I need to be happy. So, this year, like Iāve said itās been very eventful. Iāve taken a step back and looked at the big picture and Iām starting to do things that make me happy. Iāve finally started dancing again!!!! I will NEVER miss a Tuesday night class because it makes my soul happy. Like, Iām still smiling the next day happy. Happiness comes from within, and we need to feed it with what makes us happy. Only the people closest to me will know how shy and insecure I am. Youāll probably look at my bikini photos and be like āyeah rightā, but Iām still the same little Sarah from a small town with all her shyness and insecurities. I havenāt changed. Yes, Iām bubbly, outgoing etc, but if you really know me, you will know my soft core. The hardest part is when the people who are closest to you judge you the hardest and pass shitty comments. I am strong, but I am fragile. Have a heart. Donāt kill my vibe. Iām trying so hard to build myself up and be genuinely happy, which in turn, will benefit you. I love and care hard. Really hard. If youāre my mate, and I feel that itās a two-way street, I will do anything for you. Iām a loyal bitch and I donāt give up. I give people so many chances, and sometimes Iām too understanding. Often to my own detriment. I end up getting hurt because I feel that I care more for people than they care for me. The night I resigned from my job I came home to an empty house. The night of my farewell, only one of my closest friends was there. Again, in the big scheme of things itās nothing, and people have their own things going on. My point is that we canāt rely on other people to make us happy, because they will let us down. Itās hard though. And Iām a softy. Deep down all we really want is to be wanted and to feel appreciated. Sometimes thatās really hard to find. So, to wrap this all up, I realise that I got really deep. Oops. But thereās nothing better than a glass of wine and a deep and meaningful conversation. Or in my case, a beer and a blog post. Haha! We all live trying to keep everyone else happy or being āwhat we should beā. I call bullshit. Be who you are. Do what makes you happy. But most importantly, donāt let anyone dull your sparkle! Bring on the ādirty thirtiesā! Iām even more ready to stop caring about what people think. XO #saffachicklostinbrisbane