It's been a while. Actually, a whole year and 3 months (and a couple days) to be exact. This blog post is so overdue it's frightening. It started brewing months back on my long solo rides, (Yes, I started road cycling!) and now just days before I turn 30, I thought it would be an appropriate time. It's been an eventful year to say the least. And reading my last blog posts, I feel like that's always the case. Haha. Story of my life. But this year for me has been a lot of self-discovery. Ok, so before I get ahead of myself, please note that I still have no idea who I am or what the hell I am doing. I can tell you what I have discovered about myself though. I don't think I could ever say it enough, but seriously, move to a new country. It's the best learning experience of your life. Well for me anyway. It's also the most difficult thing I've ever done, but here I am, still happy as a pig in shit. Before I continue to the "nitty gritty", please note that this blog is purely for my selfish needs and what's been going on in my head. It's my freedom of expression and it is not meant to harm or offend anyone. This is purely about how I've been feeling. My problems aren't as big as other peoples at all. I'm grateful that they aren't. But what I'm saying is that we all have our battles, most people just aren't aware of them. I saw a meme the other day that read "look at your strongest friend, they're bleeding inside" and I was like "OMG! Nailed it"! Ok, so bleeding inside is a bit of an exaggeration. But you get the picture? So, I've always had a good ear for listening and people tend to open up to me very easily. Maybe it’s because I open up easily and quickly, I’m not too sure why exactly, but I’ve been like this my whole life. It’s something that I’m proud of. And actually, I think it’s an honour that people feel that they can tell me their problems. But there also comes a point when I need to talk. But, like I said, my problems aren’t problems in the big scheme of things, so I shut up. “I’m good”, “yeah, I’m ok”. Well actually, not really. I care too much, and I end up taking on other people’s problems because I care about them too much. I have a big soft heart (something I thought I didn’t still have until recently, but I’ll get into that later). I’m always wanting the people around me to be happy that I tend to forget about myself. I block it out because how can I be weak when I need to be strong for the people that need me? Blocking things out seems to be my coping mechanism. At the beginning of the year I was at a party and one of my good friends whom, unfortunately I don’t see often enough, looked at me and said “Sarah, what’s up? I can see you’re not ok.” And I was like, “yeah nah, I’m just tired.” A few drinks later and I poured my heart out to her. What struck me the most in this situation was the fact that she could see past my smile and tired laugh and she just knew. For once I felt like I had a shoulder to lean on. For once I felt like someone cared about how I was feeling. I am naturally a happy go lucky person, but we are all human and we can’t all be happy all the time. What most people don’t know is the struggle that I had every single day. Getting up and going to work was the biggest struggle. I made it not be a struggle though, my blocking out mechanism and all. Like seriously, the people got me through. That was the ONLY reason I could get my ass to work every day. The thought of seeing my favourite people and all the banter. All my “fat chats” on the driveway and all the office antics. Anyone that would give me shit and make me laugh. I only realised how much I had blocked out the fact that I hated my job so much, one-night driving home after a BBQ at a mate’s place. I was a bit drunk and I ended up crying the whole way home after a “discussion” in the car with my husband. My husband and I have a thing where we will never have an argument or disagreement when we are around other people. We will wait until we are alone to “sort our shit out” because nobody likes it when couples fight and it’s awkward AF. I was having a conversation with someone and I said something along the lines of “we all have our struggles” and he turned around, butted in, and told me that I don’t have any. YOH BOET! He was about to get it HARD!!!!! I gave him the dirtiest look ever and walked away. So back to the car, I broke down crying hysterically, telling him that he has no idea how unhappy I am and how it is struggle for me Every. Single. Day. to get up with a smile on my face and go to work. I had blocked it out to the point that he didn’t even realise the battle I was fighting every day. Apparently, I’m really good at this “blocking out my feelings” thing so that I can get through every day. I had blocked out so much that I was starting to think that I had become such a heartless bitch that I couldn’t feel anything anymore. Until I met someone whose actions made me realise that I’m actually not a heartless bitch. I’ve recently developed a zero tolerance for bitchiness and talking badly about people behind their backs unnecessarily. I’m talking about speaking badly about people you don’t even know and passing harsh judgement. I’m sorry, but I will not stand for that level of judgement. I know that people judge me every single day. If only they knew that I judge myself harder than anyone else and I’m my worst critic. Seriously, you don’t need to point out my flaws, I’ll point them out to you. And I do. I’ll tell you my flaws and why I’m not perfect before you’ve even thought it, so don’t waste your precious time. It’s not worth it. And I’m sure you have more important things to do with your time, and if not, find something. If there’s anything I’ve learnt from my limited life experiences, it’s that everyone is fighting battles that you don’t even know about, so be kind. I had a woman literally come and shit me out unnecessarily on the day my aunty had died. I had made the choice to harden up and go to work and be strong and that bitch broke me. She had no idea obviously, but I had made the tough decision to not cancel her nail appointment and inconvenience her life and I ended up a mess. If she knew would she have done things differently? Probably not. I don’t really care. I’m over it and now have zero respect for her. The scary thing that you realise as you get older is that people are selfish. I’m not saying that I’m not selfish. Damn, I think I’m becoming more selfish finally. Selfish in a way to make me happy. I’ve been begged to take my old job back, but I’m not stupid. I’m wanted back for their selfish reasons, it’s not for my happiness, and at the end of the day I need to be happy. So, this year, like I’ve said it’s been very eventful. I’ve taken a step back and looked at the big picture and I’m starting to do things that make me happy. I’ve finally started dancing again!!!! I will NEVER miss a Tuesday night class because it makes my soul happy. Like, I’m still smiling the next day happy. Happiness comes from within, and we need to feed it with what makes us happy. Only the people closest to me will know how shy and insecure I am. You’ll probably look at my bikini photos and be like “yeah right”, but I’m still the same little Sarah from a small town with all her shyness and insecurities. I haven’t changed. Yes, I’m bubbly, outgoing etc, but if you really know me, you will know my soft core. The hardest part is when the people who are closest to you judge you the hardest and pass shitty comments. I am strong, but I am fragile. Have a heart. Don’t kill my vibe. I’m trying so hard to build myself up and be genuinely happy, which in turn, will benefit you. I love and care hard. Really hard. If you’re my mate, and I feel that it’s a two-way street, I will do anything for you. I’m a loyal bitch and I don’t give up. I give people so many chances, and sometimes I’m too understanding. Often to my own detriment. I end up getting hurt because I feel that I care more for people than they care for me. The night I resigned from my job I came home to an empty house. The night of my farewell, only one of my closest friends was there. Again, in the big scheme of things it’s nothing, and people have their own things going on. My point is that we can’t rely on other people to make us happy, because they will let us down. It’s hard though. And I’m a softy. Deep down all we really want is to be wanted and to feel appreciated. Sometimes that’s really hard to find. So, to wrap this all up, I realise that I got really deep. Oops. But there’s nothing better than a glass of wine and a deep and meaningful conversation. Or in my case, a beer and a blog post. Haha! We all live trying to keep everyone else happy or being “what we should be”. I call bullshit. Be who you are. Do what makes you happy. But most importantly, don’t let anyone dull your sparkle! Bring on the “dirty thirties”! I’m even more ready to stop caring about what people think. XO #saffachicklostinbrisbane