enso: to live and to love
you can also read it on ao3 and comment hehe
Dedicated to @azozzoni , whose fanfics pushed me into the rabbit hole of elippo xD
Elia Santini thought that he was good in the art of subtlety. Well, someone really needed to knock him over with a car to bring him back to reality, because Elia Santini was everything but subtle. His facial expressions were usually a dead giveaway to whatever he was feeling, and in this unfortunate incident, Martino had caught on to something.
They were at Martino’s house and Elia had decided to crash there since he was too exhausted to go home after the party. Plus, his mother would kill him if she found out he was coming home at 4am in the morning. He’d expected Martino to crash right away, but instead, he was looking at Elia intently. He didn’t know why but it made him uncomfortable. Something was up. Martino tucked a pillow under his chin, wrapping his entire person in a thick quilt.
“So, Elia, for how long have you been crushing on Filippo?”
Elia choked. He didn’t know if it was the sleep deprivation that made him more reckless in his answers, but he slipped up.
“How did you know I liked him? Oh shit—I mean uh no haha of course not, Marti, you know I like Sofi, not Filippo. Uh that’s not possible at all.”
Martino looked at him in amusement.
“You don’t need to bother lying to me, Elia. I’ve seen the way you look at him. Your eyes light up when he enters the room and inevitably your eyes always drift back to him. Plus….judging from the way he reacts to you, I would reckon that something’s happened between the both of you.”
Elia remained silent. He hadn’t planned on anyone knowing and didn’t know what to feel about it. With Filippo being so close to Martino, he thought it would be awkward if Martino found out because he might think Elia wanted to play with his friend’s heart.
“Look, I’m not judging you. You don’t need to tell me about it, but a word to the wise—Filippo doesn’t do commitment or relationships. But then again, hookup up culture is something you know well, don’t you? I guess I shouldn’t be worried.”
Elia flashed a carefree smirk at Martino.
“Don’t worry, I’m not interested in finding some mushy romantic relationship like yours. Filippo’s just turned out to be a good kisser, believe it or not.”
Martino laughed in exasperation to his words, flopping back onto his bed to sleep. Elia never thought much of his words when sleep came like a heavy weight on his eyes and overtook his consciousness, but he would only later find out how wrong he was.
When Elia left Martino’s apartment, Martino didn’t bring the subject up again, both of them shrugging it off like it was nothing. He spared Elia a knowing glance when he walked off, and that was the only sign that what had happened earlier wasn’t a dream.
Elia felt relieved that Martino hadn’t pushed him further. He didn’t feel comfortable in sharing about his crush on Filippo, which was strange because usually he was the most open about his crushes…who had been all girls until Filippo, of course. Maybe it was because Filippo was a boy? It just felt new and different to him, which made it awkward. But he knew he wasn’t ashamed of himself. He just needed time to get used to it, he guessed.
He still remembered the first time they kissed. It started when they first met at the christmas reunion party and Martino had introduced them.
Elia raised an eyebrow, grinning at Filippo. “So you’re the famous gay guru that we’ve been hearing so much about. How did you two meet exactly?”
Martino’s cheeks flushed a rosy red, embarrassed. Spluttering some excuse about needing to use the washroom, (Filippo was certain that was code for ‘slinking away into a dark corner to make out with Niccolo’) he walked away, leaving Filippo and Elias alone.
“We met at Rome’s gay street. It was around 3am and he was pissed drunk, stumbling around. He almost vomited on me too, but honestly? The funniest part was when he told me he was straight and I quote, ‘you gay people think that every single person is gay’.”
“Well, look at him now. I guess his body knew him better than his conscious mind did.”
They had a good laugh over that, before heading to the rooftop to smoke weed. Elia was naturally an extrovert and generally preferred being in a crowd of people, revelling in the energy high he felt from being around people, but it was somehow different with Filippo. With him, he was content to go one on one. From the getgo, they had a very easy connection and he just felt like the conversation flowed well with Filippo. He couldn’t really put a finger on what it was.
He discovered that Filippo was the artsy type and was majoring in film production at a local university. That definitely explained his love for photography. He was fascinated by how Filippo saw beauty in old rundown abandoned places, managing to capture art through the lens of his canon camera. All he ever saw it as was a place to hide away when he wanted to get away from his parents but Filippo instilled in him an appreciation for overlooked places.
He liked it when Filippo was chatting excitedly about things he was passionate for. It exposed his dimples and made his eyes light up like tiny fireworks. It was cute, for a guy, he mused.
“You know, you remind me of an abandoned building yourself. Overlooked but beautiful, you know? Someone just needs to spend more time with you to realize that.” Filippo said.
“Have you always been this flirty with the guys?”
Filippo snorted. “Yes, but I meant it as a compliment to you rather than flirting. Don’t worry, I’m not trying to get into your pants, Santini.” Filippo paused. “Well, unless you want me to.”
Elia lifted his eyebrows in amusement. “I’m flattered then. You should show me this abandoned building you speak of someday.”
Filippo gave him a mischievous smirk. “Why not now?”
That was how they’d ended up in a church somewhere in a forest clearing, on the outskirts of Rome. Elia had never ventured deep into the forest before, at least not deep enough to find an abandoned church of all things.
“Are you implying that I’m holy? I don’t think I am.”
“No one’s holy, Santini. That’s why we have God.”
“Never took you as the religious sort.”
“I believe in God. But I’m not sure if I would call myself a Christian. Not anymore, anyway.” There was a bitter undertone to Filippo’s last sentence, and it made Elia curious.
“What changed?” Elia asked.
“Now, wouldn’t you like to know?”
Filippo smiled, squashing whatever vulnerability was there prior. It didn’t matter. Elia was just one of Marti’s friends, a stranger to him. But why the sudden impulse to show him his secret spot? That he had no idea. What was different about Elia ? He supposed he wasn’t sure, but it probably wasn’t so much the fact that it was Elia, but rather, he- Filippo, was tired. Tired of being this motivational guru to so many, being seen as inspirational and flamboyant, yet he hid his real self from everyone- the heartbroken boy who still couldn’t get over his ex, who was too afraid to love again.
Elia was just conveniently there and the timing seemed right so why not? He was overthinking anyway.
“Why don’t I show you the basement of this place? It holds a wine cellar, sometimes I age wine there. It should probably hold a few casks. ”
Elia looked at him with interest.
“Wow, I’ve never heard of a wine cellar in a church before. But somehow it doesn’t surprise me that your favourite spot would have that.”
“Well, because your favourite spot needs to have a treasure. It’s only fitting that it symbolises the owner.”
“Are you actually flirting with me, Santini? Because I’m not sure if I should be flattered or offended that you compared me with alcohol.”
“I mean, you certainly age like a fine wine.”
Elia being Elia, only meant his flirting as a joke. He’d flirted plenty with other people and didn’t mean it half the time, except if it was for a girl he really liked. But he was feeling bold that night, and he wasn’t sure if it was because he was high, he just stepped closer to Filippo. Close enough to almost touch his body, leaning to his ear and saying:“I don’t know, what do you think?”
Elia moved back. In that moment, he was playing with the lines and didn’t care if he crossed them. Being high did that to him, made him feel brave enough.
So maybe he shouldn’t have felt off guard when Filippo closed the gap between them, looked at his lips and kissed him. It all happened so fast that Elia didn’t know how to respond. Did he freeze? Push Filippo back? Strangely, after the initial shock died down, his lips started responding to Filippo’s. He was kissing Filippo back. And he liked it.
Kissing Filippo was different from kissing girls. He had stubble along his jaw and his facial structure was all sharp angles, reminding him of a roughly cut diamond. They were unlike a girls’, who were all baby smooth skin and soft contours. His breath smelt like a weird concoction of weed and citrus. But it was a nice change from the sickly sweet strawberry Chapstick scent that he smelt regularly from girls. Besides, Filippo clearly knew the landscape of a mouth very well, his tongue hot and slick as he explored Elia’s mouth’s terrain.
Filippo was the first one to pull back. He looked at Elia’s slightly swollen lips and smirked.
“So how was your first time kissing a boy?”
Elia let out a breathy laugh.
“You’re a damn good kisser, I’ll give you that. I didn’t expect to like that. But I’ll admit, I get why you have so many hookups now.”
“Ooh, a compliment from the Casanova himself. How flattering.” Filippo traced Elia’s jawline with his index finger, touch feather light. “If you ever want to explore your sexuality further, you know…we could always hangout.”
Elia raised his eyebrows.
“Treat me to some of that wine first, and maybe I’ll consider.”
“Oh, the boy has a high price! Fair enough, for a boy as lovely as you.”
Filippo and Elia enjoyed a good few drinks in the cellar that night, parting amiably several hours later after Filippo had walked Elia back to his house.
Elia couldn’t stop touching his lips that night. He would certainly not forget how Filippo’s lips felt on his that night.
It had been three weeks since that fateful night but Elia hadn’t been able to get Filippo out of his head. It was honestly embarrassing just how whipped he was for someone he barely even knew. They had ‘hung out’ several times after that night but they didn’t have a label on their relationship. It troubled Elia and he didn’t understand why either. But he had a distraction- his friends, who were for some unfathomable reason trying to get Elia to be interested in Silvia.
“Elia, isn’t Silvia a lovely girl? Why don’t you go and approach her?” Giovanni asked him, in a very unsubtle attempt to set up the two together.
Martino said nothing except hold a secret smile of his own and Luca, who had been pining after Silvia since the start of the year, was failing miserably at trying not to look upset.
“Gio”, Elia started calmly, “We all know that Luca is the one who is head over heels in love with her, so for the last time, just stop trying to get me to ask her out, okay?”
“Fine, fine. I just don’t get why you suddenly seem disinterested in the ladies lately. I’m trying to help you get some action, you know?”
“I don’t need help, thanks. I’m perfectly fine with my own.”
“Okaay, but you’ve been awfully quiet on the subject of girls these few months. You just seem off. Don’t think we don’t notice you being out of it and daydreaming. I don’t even know when the last time you hooked up was, which is unprecedented when it comes to you.”
Giovanni looked concerned. As if there was something wrong with Elia for not having as many crushes as he used to, or not wanting to fuck anyone that had a vagina between their legs.
“Just let it go, Gio. I’m fine. I just don’t wanna sleep around okay?”
Luca chipped in. “Look, I’m sorry if we seem insensitive but Gio has a point. You’ve changed. What’s up? You know you can tell us right?”
“I just got tired of hooking up all the time and there aren’t any pretty girls in school that I’m interested in. It’s not that hard to understand.” Elia deadpanned.
Giovanni cast a knowing look at Elia. “There’s someone, isn’t there?”
Next to him, Martino burst into a coughing fit. Elia glared at him for being so obvious.
“Oh, there’s someone alright.” Martino muttered under his breath.
Elia had never felt like punching him so badly in his life. He didn’t want to tell his friends about Filippo yet, not when he was still unsure about where he stood with Filippo but he figured that he owed them some kind of answer.
He sighed. “Yes, there’s someone. A guy, actually. And he’s a much prettier blonde than Silvia is. ”
Luca’s eyes looked like they were going to pop out any moment.
“First it was Martino, now you? Who else is gay in our group?”
“I’m bi, Luca, not gay. Plus, shouldn’t you be more concerned with trying to woo Silvia over?” Elia smirked, hoping that his diversion of topic would work.
It did. Elia didn’t think he had ever seen Luca’s cheeks flush so red before. It was also perfect timing because just then, Silvia herself came sailing down the school staircase, pausing for a moment to wave at Luca. Luca looked like a lovesick mess just from that simple gesture. Elia snorted. Luca was so smitten.
It was to no one’s surprise that Luca and Silvia became a thing over the school break. Giovanni was probably the only one surprised that Luca had plucked up the courage to ask her out, but in Elia’s opinion, he was glad that he had, because he didn’t think he could tolerate anymore of Luca’s simpering.
While Elia was glad that Luca had gotten a girlfriend and was happy, he on the other hand, wasn’t exactly delighted to be on school break. After his parents divorced, his father had gotten sole custody of him and his sister while his mother was allowed to visit them during school break and public holidays. That meant that during school break, he was obliged to stay at his mother’s house with her new..lover. He wasn’t happy about it. But what could he do?
His mother had left so abruptly. One day, she just waltzed in with divorce papers, demanded that his father sign them and packed her bags to live with her lover. It was so sudden. Elia himself had no idea when she even had a side lover, but it was clear that it had been going on for a while.
But in all honesty, that wasn’t what hurt him the most. The thing that hurt him most was listening to all the lies that spewed out of his mother’s mouth whenever she talked about his father. She made him out to be a demon, a monster, when really, the real antagonist was her.
Elia was having a late night supper with his mother, the midnight snack being crackers and cheese. Lola, his younger sister, had already been tucked into bed so it was just Elia and his mother, eating in a slightly awkward silence. What did you say to someone you hardly saw anymore? Elia didn’t know, and he didn’t need to, because his mother was the one who broke the silence.
“So, Elia, how are things at home?”
Elia was expecting this. It was customary for his mother to ask the same question whenever he came over, specifically this same one, even though it was paraphrased or changed over time- the meaning remained. The real question was, how are you coping without me? Elia wasn’t sure if she asked just to have an opportunity to bash his father or if it was because she wanted to feel important in his life, although she was merely a shadow at this point, barely there.
So he mumbled the standard answer.
“I’m fine, school is okay too. But Lola misses you a lot.”
“Lola’s here now though, isn’t she? I’m sorry, sweetheart, but I hope I can make up for lost time that your father stole from me.”
“Why do you always put the blame on Dad? You were the one who chose to walk away.”
“He deserves the blame. When we were married, he didn’t pay attention to me or care for my needs. Unlike Hernandez, you know? The divorce was inevitable. ”
“I just-look, mum, I don’t know what you want to prove by asking me this same question every time I stay over at your place. Honestly, I didn’t even see the divorce coming because it was so sudden. But whatever it is, stop vilifying Dad and trying to make me or Lola hate him. I’m tired of it.”
“There you go again, always taking his side, huh? Even now, after all this time. You kids always take his side and your poor mother is second. I was second to your father’s work, and now I am second to the love you have for your father. Typical.”
“Save it, Elia. I’m going to bed.’’
Elia watched his mother’s retreating figure with a sigh. Was he surprised by what had just transpired? No. Was he tired of whatever shit his mother was dealing with? Yes. He scrolled through his phone, trying to find people to hang out with at 1am in the morning because he didn’t feel like being alone right now. Martino and Niccolo were definitely out of question- they were in Florence for some vacation. Luca? Probably being with Silvia like the whipped puppy he was. Gio was at some family reunion enjoying wine and apparently dancing with Eva. Well. He paused, looking at Filippo’s insta story- he was watching Titanic at home and had tagged his story with #boredathome and #lazytogoout.
Would it be too forward to text Filippo to hang out at Filippo’s home? He wasn’t sure if it would come across as too direct, especially when they weren’t a couple or whatever. They were pretty unlabelled at this point. The most he could call Filippo as was probably his experimental hookup/ friend with benefits? But whatever. Hopefully Filo didn’t take this the wrong way.
Can I sleep over at yours?
Oo, didn’t know I was so irresistible
Filippo didn’t mind Elia coming over. He was bored anyway, and Elia had texted at a convenient time. It would be nice to watch “Titanic” with someone. But something in his gut told him that there was something off with Elia this time, and he was proven right when he saw Elia at his front door.
Elia was dressed in a casual shirt and sweatpants, looking as handsome as ever. But his energy was just…down. Usually, Elia was lively and full of jokes and charm, but today he just seemed flat, tired. His eyes were rimmed red and his cheeks were sallow.
“Come in, come in. Are you okay, sweetheart? You look like shit.” Filippo quite pointedly told him.
“Just some shit with my mum. I’ll be okay now though, since you’re here to distract me.”
Filippo pulled Elia towards the living room’s sofa, sitting him down with popcorn.
“Look, I don’t know what happened, but I’m here for you, okay? You can talk to me if you want. Titanic can wait.”
“I-urm, I’ve never told anyone else before actually. I don’t want to be a burden.”
“Bullshit. Okay,you know what? We’ll exchange stories. I’ll start first.”
Filippo took a deep breath and exhaled. He wasn’t sure why he was so intent on doing this, but he was beginning to realize that Elia was different from his other hookups. He wasn’t sure what to feel about that, so he pushed it to the back of his mind.
“I’m staying in tonight watching Titanic and eating ice cream alone because its the anniversary of my first break up with my ex. His name is Alessandro and he fucked me up pretty badly. I- don’t tell anyone this, it’s embarrassing but I haven’t been bothered to find another serious relationship because of him. It’s not something I like to talk about, you know? I just want to forget him.”
“Yeah. But there’s still physical reminders everywhere that prevent you from forgetting right?”
“Yes. But what can I do about it? I keep going back to that church anyway, even though going back there reminds me of our first kiss and revives other memories because its significant to me. I just can’t seem to let go.”
“I get it. Sorta? I’m not feeling down because of a relationship though. It’s more of my mum being a passive aggressive bitch. She always tries to paint my Dad as some kind of megavillain ever since they divorced, which mind you, was something she initiated. And I’m tired of it and her mind games. I don’t know. I feel like I’m a disappointment to her sometimes too, you know? Because she says I remind her of Dad and the way she says it…just kills me a little inside. The thing is, I don’t know why she’s so pissed off at my dad for, but it’s not my problem to care about and god..I’m just tired of her sometimes.”
“Well, you’re here now and we’re here to forget. Alcohol?”
Elia cracks a smile at that and Filippo thinks it is the prettiest thing he’s seen all night.
“Using a vice to forget our problems, huh, Sava? I like it, bring it on.”
That night, when Elia fell asleep on Filippo’s shoulder on the sofa, Filippo didn’t move at all. It was cute, watching Elia asleep, he just seemed so innocent. Like the world hadn’t touched him. Filippo ignored the fluttery feeling in his stomach, the tell tale signs of something he wasn’t willing to admit to. He knew he had to keep his distance from Elia before he fell too hard. But for now, he was content with staring at him in his sleep, savouring the moment before he had to leave.
Elia wasn’t sure what had gone wrong after that fateful visit to Filippo’s house. It was like Filippo had suddenly disappeared off the face of the planet in a way, metaphorically. He thought that they had gotten closer, but Filippo was pushing himself away from Elia- putting him at an arm’s distance. They still had their deep talks, sure and the sex was great, but whenever Elia tried to push their relationship to the next stage, Filippo immediately withdrew back into his shell.
Elia groaned, remembering Martino’s words that seemed to come out of nowhere and hit him like a brick. ‘Filippo doesn’t do commitment or relationships’. Well, damn his stupid heart for falling for a boy who was more afraid of commitment than death!
“Come on, Elia. Don’t be so sad, we’re going to the club to get over your infatuation with Filippo. Sofia will be there.” Martino said, in a sad attempt to cheer up Elia.
If you had told Elia that several months ago, he would probably have been overjoyed. But now, it didn’t make him feel anything anymore. Sure, Sofia was still eyecandy and definitely gorgeous, but all he could think about was Filippo’s crooked smile, hidden dimples, the pretty blonde hair that he wanted to run his fingers through, the way he made him feel alive like no one else had done before….God, he was just as whipped as Luca.
“Sure, Marti. Thanks.” Elia said, flashing his signature smile at Martino.
Martino sighed and said nothing, but Elias was certain that he had mumbled ‘this pair of lovesick idiots that I have to put up with I swear’ under his breath.
The club was in full swing by the time they had gotten there. Quickly, the group dispersed into individual couples, Martino with Niccolo, Giovanni with Eva and Luca with Silvia. It was terrible to see his friends so painfully in love. It made Elia sick. Deep down, he knew it was just blatant jealousy but he wasn’t going to admit that.
Under the flashing strobe lights and neon hues, he found a blonde girl by the bar, who winked at him after downing her shot of vodka. He looked at her appreciatively. She was lovely, perhaps not as lovely as Filippo, but definitely pretty. She wore a low cut black dress that showed off her curves and her cleavage, complete with stunning red heels. With her cat eye mascara and ruby red lips that accentuated her features, she was truly a sight to behold.
“You look beautiful, milady. Care to dance with me?” Elia said, albeit quite dramatically. Maybe Filippo had rubbed off him. Urgh. He didn’t want to think about him.
She giggled, amused at his antics. “Sure, kind gentleman. I would be honoured.”
She slid her hand into his, allowing him to pull her toward the dance floor. He had to admit, she was a good dancer, who swayed with relative ease and grace. When their lips finally met, however, Elia admitted that coming to the bar had been a grievous mistake on his part. He couldn’t help comparing her kisses to Filippo, fully aware that she would never be able to match up to Filippo and how he made him feel. Still, he kissed back with heated passion as if she was who he really wanted to kiss.
He would have forgotten about Filippo if it hadn’t been at that moment, out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Filippo entering the bar with another guy. Kissing him, making out with him, and in that moment Elia feels like part of him has died. Withering into ashes and nothingness, leaving behind an empty void. He doesn’t even know why he’s so mad when they aren’t even exclusive in the first place. All he knows is that he can’t be here right now, watching Filippo kiss someone else and feels himself push away from the girl, muttering half hearted apologies to her. He storms out of the door, but not before Filippo catches sight of him and his eyes widen. With guilt? Remorse? Elia isn’t sure, but he knows that is probably just him dreaming.
That night, Elia receives ten text messages and five missed calls from Filippo. He ignores all of them and chooses to block Filippo instead. He’s done. Done with all the excuses Filippo probably is cooking up, out of pity for him. He hates the word Pity.
They don’t talk for two weeks, and by then, it feels like they are strangers instead. Like they were never something more than friends but less than lovers, all because the both of them are afraid.
It is three weeks later when Elia decides to go to the church where he first kissed Filippo, because inside, everything aches in him and if he can’t have Filippo, maybe he can still have the memories instead.
Enso. It’s like a circle. The beginning and ending are the same.
Elia didn’t know what he was doing here. He should be home right now, on the couch with his father and sister for family movie night yet he’s here. At the church doors.
It’s a cold windy night, and the evening chill shakes his bones to their core, accentuating the empty hollowness he feels in his chest. These are one of those nights, he decides. One of those nights when the loneliness gets the better of him and he just wants to escape to somewhere where no-one knows his name. But there’s something different about tonight, because his legs doesn’t usually head to the church in the woods.
He tentatively opens the wooden doors, letting out a huge creaking sound. His hopes that no one else is occupying the building is instantly dashed when his observant eyes land on a familiar platinum blonde. It’s Filippo, sitting on where the first wooden pews are.
There is a single lit candle encased in a copper candle holder and resting on the bench, right beside Filippo, illuminating the side profile of his face against the stark contrast of the dark shadows that seem to almost swallow his person whole.
Elia gulps. He’s beautiful. Why the fuck is it so hard to stay angry at that bastard?
Filippo, sensing his presence, sighs.
“What are you doing here, Elia?” He asks, in a weary tone, as if life itself has slowly drained out of his soul.
Elia wants to say that he doesn’t know why. He wants to say that he just wants to escape to nowhere for a while, because all he wants to do is avoid the thoughts running rampant in his head. But he knows why. It’s the reason he’s been running all along.
“I, uh-”, he croaks out, “ I was hoping to see you.”
Filippo’s mouth quirks up in a half smile as he motions for Elia to sit with him.
For a while, they don’t say anything. The silence slowly stretches out from being awkward to a suffocating blanket that seems to strangle both of them.
It seems like they’re right back where they started, quite literally. This abandoned church was where they shared their first kiss, where they first truly began.
“Funny how quickly things change, huh? It feels like we’re strangers now.”
Filippo finally turns to properly look Elia in the eyes, guilt written all over his face.
“I’m sorry.“He says quietly, in a barely audible whisper.
Filippo doesn’t miss the bitterness tinged in his words.
“I’m sorry for pushing you away and not telling you about Dario.”
“At least you’re willing to admit how much of an asshole you are.”
Elia pauses, testing the words on the tip of his tongue.
“I don’t blame you for making out with Dario though. I think that would be unfair, considering we never labelled our relationship. We always liked it with no strings attached, no?”
“Well, we fucked that up. I think I’m falling in love with you, you know? And I hate how vulnerable that makes me feel. How it makes me remember.”
“Yeah, him. I told you that I first met him in this church right?”
“Yes, Fili. He was your first love and you kissed him in these very woods. I get it, I’m not special.”
If this were any other situation, Filippo would’ve laughed at Elia’s obvious jealousy. But the sombre atmosphere of the church served as a physical reminder of what had transpired.
“I never told you about how I met him again one year ago though. And how everything ended.”
“I thought the last time you saw him was when you were fifteen?”
“No. He returned to Italy with his parents for a family reunion last year after finishing his high school education. Did you know, years ago, he told me to wait for him? That after he finished conversion therapy, he’d find his way back to me somehow? And because I was a stupid idiot who was head over heels in love with him, I waited for him like some lovesick schoolgirl. Well, he has a girlfriend now. And he told me to fuck off, blaming me for his ‘confusion’.”
Elia winced. That was a dick move to make and explained why Filippo was so bad with commitment. Not that he was any better. He instantly felt bad about his earlier comment, deeming it inappropriate. He wondered how Filippo was feeling. Was this what love was like?
Was it to be fully exposed to someone else such that they could see every crevice and crack in your airtight facade? Was it giving them the power to influence your emotions and send them haywire? Was it allowing yourself to be ripped into shreds, left a former shell of yourself just for a chance at contentment?
Elia wished he could say something comforting like “it’ll be okay” but the truth was, he didn’t think it ever got better. Heartbreak was a scar that never really healed. It just became more bearable with time.
So instead, he shifted closer to Filippo, resting his head on Filippo’s shoulder and lending him some of his body warmth. Filippo changed his position to make it more comfortable for Elia, wrapping his left arm over his chest and hugging him.
Their relationship had always been unstable, like crashing waves against a stone cliff- with its high tides and low tides, there was a pattern but it was unpredictable. They were both scared of it being stable or routine because stable relationships never really worked out for them. Elia’s divorced parents were an example. And so was Filippo’s ex. But why were they here, wrapped in an embrace with each other, like puzzle pieces that fit together?
“I was tired of being labelled a sinner, Elia. So damn tired. So I guess I went full-on hedonistic because if I was gonna sin, I was doing it all the way. I mean, honestly? I didn’t have the emotional capacity to handle a relationship anyway.”
“Do you still feel that way?”
“No. Now I’m just tired of myself screwing shit up, especially when I feel like..I should allow myself to be happy and dare to love again, you know? But I feel like I just sabotage my own chances and I-”, Filippo ran his fingers through his blonde curls in frustration, “What I’m trying to say is, I think that you’re the happiness that I was looking for a long time but was too scared of finding. You make me want to believe in love again, Elia Santini.”
“I feel the same way.” Elia admitted. “But I guess we were both too scared to do anything about it.”
“Do you want to try and change that?”
Elia shifted from his position, placing his hand on Filippo’s cheek and sliding it downwards towards his neck. Filippo’s breath hitched when Elia came closer because here was this lovely boy who looked at him like he was worth the world as if he held the stars in his eyes even though he knew deep down that all he had ever been good at was destruction. Here was this boy who knew him for who he really was but never judged him for it, his own reflection in a way. Elia leaned in, pausing a second and letting his breath ghost Filippo’s lips before going in for the kill.
The kiss told Filippo everything he knew Elia was unable to express in words. Something about the way he kissed him told him that he had wanted to do this for some time already, the desire potent in the neediness of the kiss. But this time, the kiss felt different. It was more intimate and gentler, Elia taking his own sweet time to worship Filippo’s lips, with no messy tonguing involved. Filippo thought that it was incredible to be desired by Elia.
When Elia finally pulled away, Filippo’s cheeks were flushed. Taking Filippo’s hand in his, he intertwined their fingers together. It felt right. He grinned widely at Filippo.
“I can’t promise you anything but I think you got my answer.”
They started this emotional rollercoaster with the first kiss in church and came back full circle in their reconciliation, same beginning and same ending. It was the ending of this particular story in their lives, but now, they had hope for a new beginning.
