Honestly, I wish I was in it for the money. Maybe if I was in it for the money like everyone thinks veterinarians are, I wouldn't have cried so much today. I wouldn't have fought for two days to save a perfect puppy with a totally preventable viral infection from dying, only to have him die 20 minutes after his dad visited him, after he flew across the country to be here. I wouldn't have to fight death tooth and nail for a soul that a parvo vaccine series could have saved, knowing I would probably lose because I couldn't ignore the feeling in my gut that he wasn't going to get better. After all these years, sometimes I just know, even if i fight my hardest to ignore it. Rooster was a good boy. Probably would have been the best boy. I drove back to work, over an hour after we closed, to call his dad because the thought of spending a night facing that phone call in the morning would have broken me. I wouldn't have spent all day cuddling my senior patient who I adored, that I have cared for for years, that was beloved by my staff, who also happened to have no blood and no platelets, while I waited for her owners to decide her fate. I knew she wasn't right. She didn't scream at me to hold her. Her silly little kisses from her toothless mouth were fragile, not enthusiastic like they usually are. I often wonder if my ability to compartmentalize is my greatest gift or the thing that will kill me one day. Euthanasia is not an easy decision, and it shouldn't be, but it is often our greatest gift. If nothing else, I can end your suffering. I couldn't hold that sterile place today, sending my Rosie girl off to her final rest. It broke a little part off my heart, which is rare these days. I've often thought myself too dead inside to hurt anymore, but I guess time proves that false. I wish I was in it for the so-called money. That would be easy. I wouldn't carry every single little soul with me, each death, each failure another black mark I will carry that weighs on me. I wouldn't come home and cry at night because I couldn't save them, even if not saving them was the kindest choice. I'm not sure I believe in an afterlife, but a part of me does believe that one day, when I die, I will stand before every soul I have sent to the afterlife and be judged whether or not I was good enough. If I was kind enough, smart enough, saved enough of them. I hope I pass that judgment.
discoholicmusic
janainaart
prguitarman
2087
