Its A Safe Haven

[remanence-of-love]

[sarhmeean]

18/12/2024

I am 30

It's December, which means it's the cursed month...

What was I expecting ? Hmmmm

Complications at work and I'm not earning near enough to sustain me. I can't even afford anything ...

Brothers about to get married and I can't even help

I can barely pay for his wedding gift, I have no money at all.

I have to pretend I'm ok when fashion school was so fucking hard I kept overwhelming my body and fainting.

Go to work and then study in the hopes that I'm doing well but I failed... I didn't want to fail because I knew this would take a toll on my mental health because again this is December and boy oh boy I never liked this fucking month !

So cursed ...

Anyhow chin up you've got a lot going on for you girly :)

You're doing well 🖤

[sarhmeean]

17/10/2024

an intense mix of emotions took over.

Between losing Liam Payne, pushing through my studies and having a mess of a family.

I wish I can just opt out from these feelings.

I don't think it's easy to be alive ! I wish I can just not exist ...

[sarhmeean]

I think the issue isn't sensitivity... it's the inhumanity that occurs when we're under pressure.

Your culture and background determines your behaviour.

Working with a specific culture will teach you a lot and how to deal with things but it will drive you insane.

OH AND MONEY !

[sarhmeean]

Maybe I'm not cut out for it.... some days are great and some days are not. I punish myself if I catch myself being slightly happy.

You will forever not be ok and you'll have to live with it. Wanting to be loved but not finding the right kind of love, lust is taking over mummy body.

I am ashamed ...

[sarhmeean]

I'm constantly scared.

Fear, guilt and shame rack up as I get older ... I can't keep up !

I dont allow myself to rest or celebrate hoping that I can stop disappointing myself ...

At 30 i feel like im 18, still trapped in my head ! My mind has its own body ... skipping and laughing at me for still crying when my body hurts, when i make a mistake when my parents are disappointed.

I wish I can admit myself to a hospital and never see anyone again.

Some people say you want to be free but I don't believe it exists.

I am 30 but I want to stop !

I don't know why but I want to stop.

I'm tired and I want to stop.

I wish I was never born but I hope my mum doesn't see this ... I'll probably delete it anyway.

I wish I wasn't so curious as a child and I wish I never got see the war... I wish I didn't develop faster and learned English quicker so I can fit in. I wish I remained naive and ignorant .... I wish all of it ...

It's always this facade I've put on ... I want to be this and that and she's so passionate! What if I am?

I question everything and everyone

I'm too sensitive but I don't show it ..

I go home and cry ...

[remanence-of-love]

[svgitario-deactivated20240727]

INTIMACY IN ART

Untitled (2019), Barbara Kroll | Two Women Embracing (1915), Egon Schiele | Embracing Couple (1902), Gustav Klimt | The Bite (1914), Edvard Munch | Lovers (1909), Ernst Ludwig Kirchner

[crazy-brazilian]

[sarhmeean]

FDS 2023 fashion graduate show

[sarhmeean]

Design Inspiration - Port Macquarie, NSW 2023

[sarhmeean]

Mes entrailles - 2023