l🍋monade

long story short

[saskyanotes]

sebenernya bagus aja kalau pindah. meski mesti keluar dari safe zone, tapi aku tau aku cepet banget adaptasi dengan lingkungan dan orang baru. soo banyak good things lah kalau pindah, lagian toxic bgt dan manipulatif parah.

[saskyanotes]

We meet again: we were once that kind of love.

1. The Day I didn’t expect You

I didn’t wake up thinking about you, didn’t wonder if you would be there, didn’t prepare myself for anything that had your name in it. It was just another random time, at our bestie’s house, smile, and exist among people I’ve known for years. Nothing special. Nothing that should’ve mattered.

I thought I had left you somewhere far behind in time. Somewhere I wouldn’t accidentally run into you again. But then.. you, arrived.

You pulled up on your motorbike. You, familiar in a way I didn’t expect to recognize.

And then you paused. Just for a second. Your eyes caught something (i saw you from the inside) a pair of women’s shoes on the terrace.

You stood there a little longer than necessary. Not shocked, just.. processing. Then you walked in, slow steps and careful. Like you were entering a space that suddenly felt different. And you saw me, you paused again (not in an obvious way).

That small shift in your expression. A soft, slightly confused smile. Like you didn’t expect this. Like you recognized something you weren’t ready for. And in that exact same moment, something inside me paused too. You looking a little older, a little more composed, but still unmistakably you.

Not my heart racing or a sudden ache. Just a quiet recognition: Oh. It’s still you.

“Haii…”

“o haii..”

For a second, we didn’t move. Then, we reached for each other’s hand. handshake, a simple and normal. The kind people do when they meet again.

But ours lingered. Just a little longer than it should have. Not enough for anyone to notice.But enough for me to feel it. (maybe just us recogniced it)

Your hand, still warm, familiar. and still the same. In that small, quiet second, it felt like: this was the closest we were allowed to hold each other now.

We let go. Like we were supposed to.

How are you?” you asked.

“I’m good… you?”

“Yeah… good.”

Same words and tone. Same simplicity. Nothing dramatic or overwhelming.But still, something stayed. and strangely… you felt familiar in a way that didn’t hurt.

We sat with everyone else. Talking about work, about life, about things that sounded important (sometimes)

And you didn’t talk much. You never really did.

[saskyanotes]

lately.

raining outside, rn

when i became an adult, i finally understood why i am like this.. everything has always felt… never really special in my heart,

and i realized, maybe it started because i was never truly appreciated by my family. when i achieved something, they reacted like it was nothing. no congratulations. no words of pride. no warmth. just silence, and life went on like usual.

lately, i’ve been feeling sad. i think, deep down, i was hoping for at least a simple “thank you” for my effort. but when i look back, my efforts were not only unseen, they were left behind. instead of being held onto, i was slowly left alone.

i think it was hurting me..

i only noticed it when i saw jisung and the people around him. even when he tries and fails, they still tell him, “it’s okay. good job. you’re doing great.” and i wondered what it feels like, to be supported like that, even when you’re not perfect.

maybe what hurts the most is that i can’t tell this story to anyone. not because i don’t want to, but i can’t. everyone is already carrying their own heaviness.

i don’t really blame my parents for treating me that way. i understand that maybe they had their own ways, their own limits, or things they never learned how to express.

but what hurts is realizing that the people closest to me did the same. and bleme me more.

and maybe that’s why, when my friends offered to celebrate my graduation, i kept refusing. i told them it was okay, that it wasn’t necessary. but the truth is, deep down, i felt uncomfortable. their effort felt too big and precious. and i didn’t know how to receive it.

maybe because i was never used to being celebrated. maybe i never learned how to believe that i deserve that kind of effort. maybe a part of me still feels undeserving, and i don’t know how to sit inside something meant just for me. so instead, i quietly step back.

i used to tell my parents everything whenever i felt restless. they were the place i would go to when things felt too heavy, or something too much for me to carry alone.

but this year feels different.

this year, they made a mistake. a fatal one, at least in my heart. and it changed something in me.

it’s strange,

it’s just that… i feel disappointed. and in that moment, i suddenly lost the figure i used to rely on.

the place that once felt safe now feels unfamiliar. and i don’t know where to put this feeling.

and then there are the small things.

like when the things that were never supposed to be mine to do, but i did them anyway. because i couldn’t stand waiting and doing it myself felt easier than hoping someone else would notice.

so i stepped in without saying anything.

lately, it feels like every day i have to rearrange something. it’s like i wake up already scattered, so i spend the day putting the pieces back together. fixing my thoughts. calming my heart. convincing myself that i’m okay, even when i’m not sure if i am.

and maybe that’s why i get tired so easily. because every day, i have to rebuild a version of myself again and again.

idk. but this government thing has become another kind of exhaustion i didn’t expect. (in my office) people have this quiet habit of watching others fall behind. it feels like everything is being made more difficult, even when there is no written rule that says it has to be this way. just invisible walls that i’m forced to accept. doesn’t make sense, and i have no power to change it. hf.

[saskyanotes]

wth, it’s already february. i remember telling myself i was gonna plan my whole 2026 while i was in banten… but ya, that didn’t happen. i was literally exhausted there. after doing assignments, i’d just crash and sleep.

at the end of december, i went to gia grange’s in bandung with my family. it was such a nice break. i’ll share the pics later, even though i already posted some on instagram.

and finally… i graduated.

finishing my bachelor’s was sooo draining. i think it hit harder because i was working too. my job isn’t just staying in the office, i have to travel out of town like 1–4 times a month, sometimes more.

campus was another level of tiring. everything was slow, and no one really responded fast. if you wanted answers, you literally had to go there and line up since morning. whenever there were issues with classes or assignments, the lecturers were hard to reach. we had to handle everything ourselves. and even after doing all that, if you missed one tiny thing, then one more semester.

that actually happened to me. once, my exam card said i had to take the test at location A. i showed up, and nothing was going on. turns out i was supposed to check again the day before because the location could change. i printed my card a week earlier, so i didn’t know. had to run to another location last minute. another time, i came for an exam only to find out it already happened earlier, even though my card said that day. so yaa, i had to retake the class the next semester.

but now… it’s finally done. i’m soooo relieved TT

[saskyanotes]

mau dengerin lagu gak? yang aku lagi sering dengar belakangan ini :

[saskyanotes]

marah banget sama diri sendiri. wkkk ngakak juga kayak aku sangat berhati hati dan tertata.. tahun ini aku belajar banyak buat cepat dan teliti kalau ngerjain sesuatu. tapi ada bagian dari diriku yang menggampangkan sesuatu karna tau kapasitasku, aku bisa mengatasinya dengan cepat.. okeyy next time aku gak akan menggampangkan sesuatu meski tau itu mudah.

aku juga sedih banget karna sangat pekerja keras meski enjoy melakukannya (saat ini aku sedih).

banyak emosi yang rasanya pengen kabur aja karna orang lain bikin aku berantakan.. bukan maksud nyalahin orang lain. karena aku sebegitunya menata hidupku, dan semua terjadi begitu saja, aku marah tapi aku juga tenang. dan akhirnya aku melepaskannya karna itu bukan kapasitasku dan bukan kendaliku, tapi aku terlibat dan aku rasa bisa melakukan sesuatu dengan memperjuangkan yang kubisa.. meski kita sudah memiliki, aku juga tidak punya hak untuk menuntut. aku gak bisa cerita detailnya, aku yakin ini berantakan banget dan sulit dicerna. ada baiknya aku tidak usah ikut campur meski kita keluarga.

ada baiknya juga aku lebih fokus dengan apa yang kubisa dan aku mau usahakan, aku cuma bisa mengatur diriku.

aku jadi bingung membayangkan tahun depan akan seperti apa, rencanaku kuliah di luar makin memudar, aku terlalu sedih melihat sekelilingku. aku gak berantakan karna diriku, tapi rasanya hancur lihat sekelilingku.

2026 bentar lagi, aku bahkan gak tau mau ngapain. tapi aku akan dinas ke banten dari tanggal 29-31 des ini. hmm aku akan merencanakan tahun depan mungkin pas aku disana.

[saskyanotes]

Semuanya udah beres satu per satu di bulan September ini, saatnya buat ngejar yang dari dulu diusahain. Sambil nunggu wisuda karena kuliahnya udah kelar, nonton konser juga udah selesai minggu kemarin (meski kangen dan pcdnya masih ada uu). Belum ada target lagi, yang tersisa ini tinggal lanjut S2 ke korea ? wkkk

Aku dan ocid juga udah punya beberapa side job yang lumayan.. insyaallah udah cukup stabil, taun depan rencana ocid mau buka bisnis, tapi itu juga tinggal dijalanin aja karena kayaknya gak se ribet itu. Semoga semuanya berjalan dengan lancar.. aamiin yah.

Tentang kantor kayaknya gak usah terlalu difikirkan. Kerja ekstra atau biasa aja gajinya juga biasa aja. So.. menurutku lebih baik kasih batasan buat sekeliling, karena orang-orangnya bikin stress kalau diseriusin. Gak bisa terlalu realistis atau gak boleh juga terlalu baik, seperlunya aja.. Intinya tentang kantor yaudah aja kerjain.

[saskyanotes]

hal yang dilakukan ocid ketika tidak sesuai dg rencananya.

1. meninggalkan ak jalan sendii

wkk

[saskyanotes]

kalau aku bilang aku udah muak banget sama orang soft spoken tp nyuruh-nyuruh. its directly for a person (mine).

kamu ngerjain ini dulu yaa sama ..., aku mau ke .. acara ini. terusin yang kemarin.

padahal kerjaanku lagi banyak banget, bahkan makan siang aja aku skip biar cepet selese. karna banyak bangettt pls. aku gak se selo itu.

dan kalau pagi-pagi udah nyariin aku.

bilang : nanti kita ngerjain ini bareng yaa..

plsss iya, tp kerjaan yang mestinya bisa dikerjain sendiri knp mesti bareng-bareng? bener-bener gak efisien.

[saskyanotes]

[saskyanotes]

Dalat.

sooo pretty.

[saskyanotes]

harus banget ku tonjok orangnya, emosi bgt. seenaknya aja ganti ganti jadwal, yang sibuk dan mau menyempatkan waktu bukan cuma anda.

kalau aku tulis detailnya aku bakal makin emosi tiap baca ini wkkk. jadi cukup sampe sini, dan ku tonjok orangnya skrg.

[saskyanotes]

Saking ekstrovertnya aku, kalau gak ada obrolan terus pada diem-dieman gitu aku berusaha cari topik, kadang gak penting, cuma dalam pikiranku kayak kikuk gitu. Padahal orang yang gak turn in mikirnya "apaan sih, gak penting banget". Hahah iya juga.. kayak gak semua orang mau dengerin hal gak penting.

Jadi lain kali gak usahlah ngomong yang gak penting ke orang-orang dan berusaha cari topik. Kalau energinya lagi banyak tapi ada di situasi itu, bisa salurin ke yang lain.

Anw lagi istirahat sama menata pikiranku aja, mau klasifikasiin yang penting dan enggak. Sebelumnya udah cut off beberapa hal, tapi emang perlu disederhanain lagi.

Aku udah berkurang banget berbagi kabar di sosial media. Kpopan juga udah berkurang banyak, Tapi setelah ku cek arsip story isinya mostly kpop. Hhahah kocak juga, semuanya udah berkurang banyak tapi sedikit dari banyak itu yang aku bagiin kpop things.

[saskyanotes]

Juli 2025 aku capek banget, jadi Agustus aku akan banyak istirahat.

[saskyanotes]

Pertengahan tahun 2025, aku tidak banyak berubah. Masih suka nct, masih suka traveling, masih suka baca buku, masih suka ke cafe cafe lucu. Mungkin yang berubah dulu aku suka posting entah untuk meninggalkan jejak atau ngabarin yang gak butuh kabarku. Sekarang lebih ke menikmati semuanya sendiri atau dengan orang-orang terdekat.

Sekarang aku juga lebih gampang buat cut off orang-orang yang menurutku aku gak bisa get along sama aku (gak cocok). Aku juga lagi ada di persimpangan kayak mau maju lagi atau ini udah cukup. Kalau aku tanya chatt gpt bakal dijawab maju terus, tapi lawannya ini diri sendiri. Lebih berat dibanding lawan orang lain, kann.

Mungkin pendewasaan, aku gak pernah lagi ninggalin rumah dalam keadaan kotor, cucian piring selalu beres setelah makan, gak pernah lagi numpuk baju kotor karna males nyuci, setiap hari nyapu lantai (ada kotor dikit langsung disapu), sebelum tidur mandi bahkan pakai parfum, lotion, dan skincare an terus. Dulu ngabisin makanan karna sayang kalau sisa, sekarang makan secukupnya kalau gak mau sisa masak secukupnya. Makan sayur setiap hari, minum air putih yang banyak, selalu stok buah di kulkas, minimal banget ada 2 jenis buah. Mostly isi kulkas isinya buah sama air dingin karna aku suka minum dingin. Aku juga suka minum teh hijau sebelum tidur biar pencernaan lancar, diselingi minum vitamin D. Apakah aku udah mulai tua ? kebiasaanku jadi berubah.

Sekarang juga jarang scroll sosial media, paling bales dm temen yang suka kirim reels.

Apa lagi ya? lanjut s2 ga si ?

[saskyanotes]

Page 1: The Shop That Opens When It Rains

(조용하고 비 오는 날의 이야기)

There’s a small bookshop hidden deep in a quiet alley.

It’s not on Google Maps. It’s not even on paper maps.

People call it “Hening dan Halaman” — meaning silence and pages.

But there’s one special rule:

“비가 올 때만 문을 열어요.”

(“It only opens when it rains.”)

The owner? Not a human.

It’s a grey old cat with sleepy eyes, known as Pak Nino.

He doesn’t meow. He talks.

Slowly. Softly. Like someone who remembers too much.

⸻

One rainy night, Saski was walking alone, wearing her favorite hoodie and earphones.

Drizzle touched her cheeks, and the streets were quiet.

Then… she saw it.

A dim warm light at the end of the alley.

A wooden sign that wasn’t there yesterday.

“어서 오세요. 들어오세요.”

(“Welcome. Come in.”)

The door creaked open by itself.

Inside, it smelled like old books and vanilla tea.

There was no cashier—just Pak Nino, sitting on a stool, reading a newspaper full of clouds.

“Pick one book,” he said, without looking up.

“But don’t read the title. 제목은 나중에 봐요.”

Saski reached for the book on the farthest shelf.

It felt warm.

When she opened it…

There were no words. Just photos.

Photos of things that hadn’t happened yet.

Her drinking coffee in a café she’s never seen.

A room filled with postcards she didn’t remember writing.

A person… smiling at her like they already knew her name.

“이 책은 미래의 기억이에요.”

(“This book is memories from the future,”) Pak Nino said, gently.

“But you can only read more if you get good rest.

So… go home. Sleep. Come back when it rains again.”

[saskyanotes]

jadi gak nih saski, aku inget banget beberapa tahun lalu kamu pengen ke cafe kakanya jinhwan ikon wkkk