shay~

[satanic-thin]

wanting to live and die at the same time. dafuck

[satanic-thin]

im just a museum of everyone i e loved.

youre all stitched into every atom of soul

and ill

never stop grieving them.

[satanic-thin]

i never got the childhood i deserved.

now im an adult, what do i do with the gaping hole in my chest?

it constantly bleeds.

it seeps through my ribcage and trickles down my hips like vibes on an abandoned building.

i stare at my blood stained trembling hands.

mom?

dad?

how do i clean the blood spill?

how do i wake up in the morning and ignore the void that screams and demands for love?

how do i survive myself?

[satanic-thin]

EDtwt this, EDtwt that, I RETURN TO MY ROOTS OF TUMBLR. i want active mooties :(

[satanic-thin]

i am a wildfire.

the flames run through my blood like it owns the right to live there.

bleeding down my arms, only survival on chaos.

air is like gasoline, igniting at every faint bump i come across.

i try my best to ignore it all, pretend i have no feelings.

but its always there, bubbling up.

waiting. and waiting.

to explode on everyone around me.

id do anything to be anyone else.

[satanic-thin]

KNOW its for the better.

know ITS for the better.

know its FOR the better.

know its for THE better.

know its for the BETTER.

know its for the better .

[satanic-thin]

i pathetically run to tumblr when things are rough, no one else will hold me the way a mother holds its child.

[satanic-thin]

i wish i could describe the rage and grief i hold for you.

most tragically, youll never know how i feel.

because you never bothered.

youll never know how your soul was stitched into mine.

and i could never free me of you, even if i tried.

i will carry the greif for the rest of my life, and even after i fade from this world like a fond childhood memory, the earth with emerge with my heart, the bugs will taste the love i have for you, june.

i patheticly hope youll see this even though i know,

you never cared.

[satanic-thin]

someties i want to go off my meds just to be manic. the first few weeks are the best feeling ever but i always regret and feel disgusted without when im stable or depressed.

i miss the euphoria and invincibility. i miss the productiveness. i miss the feeling like im drifting in clouds.

[satanic-thin]

god im having the worst mixed episode GOD I REGRET EVERYTHING I DID WHILE MANIC AND FUCK PSYCHOSIS TOO

people at my uni fucking triggered me today

then more bad stuff happened

and NOW IM STALKINF MY EX BEST FRIENDS TUMBLRS PAGE THAT SHE DOESNT EVEN USE FML

i want to live but i want to die god im so fucking tired

FUCK MY LIFE

also one of my other ex best friends randomly called me after no contact and i didnt know it was her and i was so shocked and talking to her made me miss her so fucking much AND EVERYONE and it feels like reopening a wound.

im tired of caring im tired of being hurt.

can i not be someone worth fighting for too?

is it pathetic i post hoping my friend june is reading? knowing how much i love and miss her? and i dont understand why you hurt me like you did.

[satanic-thin]

when ur psych puts you on new meds without close observation so ive been in a manic episode for just about amonth now and the past 2 weeks i struggle with hallucinations and small delusional

i havent slept in 5 days

and the hallucinations and dissociation is getting worse

someone SAVE MEEEEE

[satanic-thin]

question for people with bipolar, do you ever start feeling like you’re becoming manic and have the urge to escalate those symptoms?

[avoidantgirlfriend]

sometimes i want to smash my head on concrete

[werewolveswithdiaries]

[emotionaleating]

my biggest s3xual fantasy is to have someone notice my absence and wonder about me lol

[baddogmari]

my range of emotions go from “it’s scary how much i feel” to “it’s scary how much i don’t feel”

[intrusive-thoughts-only]

*actively avoiding my thoughts with as many distractions and lengthy dissociation sessions as possible*