PhD in BPD

Venting out trauma : BPD, C-PTSD, & GAD diagnosed : she/her : Bisexual : Original Poetry and Art : Literary Quotes

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*actively avoiding my thoughts with as many distractions and lengthy dissociation sessions as possible*

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*stagnant mental state not allowing me to purchase anything*

While the claws of chronic mental instability sink themselves in deeper.

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The shock and horror at my level of detachment and disgust from my physical self is so overwhelming it doesn’t feel real.

Maybe that’s why I have never felt like a person in the first place..

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The malice I hold towards myself is my living epitaph.

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The real torment is you telling me to stop saying I’m sorry about everything, to stop reacting with emotion, and to stop thinking.

I haven’t spent my whole life ensuring others around me aren’t angry to one day just stop trying to counteract that process now.

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The guilt of the white savior complex shoved down my throat as a means to keep me quiet - is as vile as the shame you shoved down my throat to defame my innocence.

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I can’t release the trauma that has me in a vise - when it’s always been the glue that binds my frayed edges together.

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*starting off the day fresh with saturnine self hatred*

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Just when denial slogs off and understanding of the situation seemed sewn together right, I come to some sort of crux where the fabric shreds apart with vitriolic fervor.

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Maybe we all answer to a perceived god in our own head for our sins.

Not to one in the afterlife, but to the guilt and shame which festers within thoughts associated with your own mind’s position on god.

That god can mold your sins into whatever disgrace it wants without consequence.

A person’s actions can be justified in their own way if their personal god rationalizes that action.

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Psychiatrist: “If only your brain were as healthy as your body.”

If only a healthy brain was something I could have..

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Every fiber of my being is repulsed viewing reality from the inside.

I keep trying to escape but find nowhere to hide.

My mind creates fake obituaries reading dead by suicide, homicide, or maybe thrown down a steep hillside.

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After masking all day, the hidden emotions bubble and burst out through the seams at full throttle.

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As I pour all my energy into something or someone, my intrusive memories dissipate into shadows.

When the veil of shadow is lifted, all I can muster is continuing to live on auto pilot.

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I feel more in control of myself when I release the control to another entity other than me.