Some answers I wrote + the questions for a short film about BPD awareness.
2. For as long as I can remember, I think I’ve always felt like there was something different about me, but I didn’t want to admit it. All I wanted was to be like everyone else. I wanted to be like all the other girls at school who had boyfriends and went to parties. I wanted to be the daughter my mother always said she hoped I would be, the way she was when she was my age. Pretty, popular, and normal. It’s always been hard for me to connect with people. At first it would feel nice, but then suddenly I would always feel overwhelmed. Suddenly I’d feel like just running away and hiding from the world. People have always affected me too much.
3. There have been days where I’ve found myself laying on the ground of my bedroom, lights off, no television on, no noise at all, except the noise in my head. I start to feel the tears well up in my eyes but I don’t understand why. I think to myself, I have so much potential, so much I can get up and do, why am I laying here? Why am I so sad? And I just lay there feeling like there’s a giant void inside me, like I’m nothing but a hollow body wishing the ground would just swallow me up already so I wouldn’t have to feel this emptiness anymore.
5. I think the only addiction I’ve ever had was an addiction to people. I had gotten addicted to the way they made me feel. They made that empty feeling inside me go away. The attention they gave me filled the hollowness I’ve always felt inside me. This caused a lot of impulsivity. First it would just be online connections and text messages. Then I would start meeting people in person, I’d start telling strangers where I live, I’d find myself in the backs of cars with people I’ve only known for 2 minutes, and soon enough I’d find them in my bedroom. This made me feel on top of the world, like life wasn’t real and I was nothing but a character in a movie who finally got to feel what it’s like to be alive. This feeling would last only for a little while, and then I’d start to feel the emptiness again. But this would only amplify the emptiness I felt inside of me. I started to crave more, I needed to keep feeling that high. I fell for the next person who told me they loved me. I could meet a person that day and if they told me they loved me, I would believe it. That only led me to getting into relationships that only hurt me.
7. Many times I’ve found myself saying that everyone leaves. Because it’s true, they always do. Many people have left me throughout my life. My own father left me, and if my own father could leave his own daughter, why would anyone else stay? When people start to get close to me and express interest in me and care for me, I try to hold myself back from really falling for them. It scares me. It overwhelms me. I try to hide my feelings and tell myself not to fall for it, because I know it will only hurt in the end when they leave.
10. Sometimes I just feel irritated, and I want everyone around me to disappear, or if I could just disappear I would. My anger scares me sometimes. It’s like I have a rage inside me and I don’t know what fuels it. It’s like an a fire that doesn’t die, no matter how much you try to put it out. What scares me the most is when it happens so suddenly, like everything is fine one second, and then the next second I just want to watch the world burn. It makes me afraid, afraid of my own thoughts, afraid of what I might say or do, afraid of hurting the people I care about, afraid of myself.
11. A strength that BPD has given me is definitely my creativity. I feel things more deeply, I feel in extremes. Things are more beautiful, things are more repulsive. Sometimes repulsive things are beautiful. I feel most creative when I feel emotions strongly. Like anger or sadness. Which is pretty much all the time. Sometimes I think back to certain memories, or watch or read certain things to get myself to feel a certain emotion and I go from there when it comes to my creativity. Sometimes I get really nostalgic about things from my past. I have random “nostalgic episodes”. Like the past is an old friend coming to visit me every once in awhile. I randomly start thinking about old relationships and reminisce, I start remembering things I used to do, things I used to care about, different ways I used to see the world, old memories, etc. A lot of the time I feel like I’m feeling everything all at once. My emotions are always very heightened.
12. I’m a singer, songwriter, musician, actor, writer, and most importantly an artist. I try to do every creative thing that I possibly can. I make sure that I do at least one creative thing everyday. I’ve always felt it easy to put my emotions into the acting that I do because of all the emotions that I have inside of me. Honestly I could cry in 10 seconds if I had to, all I’d have to do is think about all the stuff I’ve been through in my life. But I put most of my emotions into my songwriting and art. The biggest project I’ve been working on is my upcoming music. It’s honestly hard to stay productive when you have a storm like BPD going on in your head. But all these years I’ve just been gathering more and more experiences and feelings to put into my music and my art.
snowghoul
yousharknotpass
discoholicmusic
