Looking back on it, I can't even fault you.
You played the game extremely well.
Holding your cards so close to your chest they may as well have become a part of you.
This facade you ferociously held up for so long was almost convincing.
But it could only stay up for so long before it faltered.
And eventually it did just that.
I realized not too long after it started that I meant a lot more to you than me or you ever even knew.
I know you knew that too.
But your actions were nothing if not puzzling.
As much as I would follow in your footsteps by enacting these plans to try to gauge how important I was to you, I soon realized that I would only ever be nothing more than a doll.
Someone who would always be better in theory than on paper.
I'm used to people liking the idea of me more than who I actually am.
And I was okay with it at the moment.
It was only until I realized that this was not sustainable in the long term that it became an issue.
Like a shiny new toy you BEGGED your parents to buy for you, only to play with it for a week before it lost its glimmer that seduced you in the first place and your parents threw it in a bin labeled “DONATE”.
But by that point it was too late.
And there was nothing you could do about it.
That feeble last attempt to regain what you once had.
That glimmer you saw the first week suddenly shone again.
I was expected to stick around long enough for you to figure out how to come to terms with these unreliable emotions you had.
Those same emotions you were shoving so deep in your subconscious you almost convinced yourself they didn't exist.
And maybe if you would have accepted them sooner, things could have gone differently.
“Maybe” is nothing more than a loose end though.
And loose ends are supposed to be tied up.
So that's exactly what I did.
I tied up your confusion.
Your deflection and denial.
Your ability to cover everything up with a joke.
I tied up your inability to appreciate what you had in the moment.
And I dropped it right on your doorstep.
It was symbolic in a sense.
It was me finding my worth.
It was you learning a lesson in the hardest way possible.
But in the end it was the perfect ending to our story.
And I'll forever be grateful for the way that you taught me to prioritize myself.
Because if we had met a couple years prior,
I would've played the game better.
janainaart
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