The Savagely Complicated Soup

That is my Mind (contents and viscosity vary)

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Facial Pain don’t play around :/

since having Covid most recently, my facial pain has gotten even more out of control, which of course doesn’t help the fibromyalgia at all either.

would love for this to chill out so i can stop feeling useless and powerless to this bs

all things that would usually help are but a drop in the bucket.

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My number one safe food will forever be PBJ

This one is (earth balance organic creamy peanut butter, Strawberry Rhubarb Jelly on rustic seeds and grains bread)

mmm all is right in the world when i eat this 🥹

what’s your safe food?

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I always have a hard time finding the poses i want for drawing references, so i’m going to be sharing my pained poses lol

maybe eventually i’ll do it in a better/plain location rather than have to try and remove the background 😅

maybe wear something different hm..

WELL if anyone is looking to draw someone in pain i’ll be sharing! hah

feel free to give constructive feedback/suggestions!

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Carolina Wrens have decided to use my Patio as their nesting spot!

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this past weekend i droodled some things

nothing special just trying to have some fun drawing , practice, trying to ease up on perfectionism and be less judgmental

bonsai was a silly plant humor thing brought on by conversation with mah gals and the other is my man’s betta Mirab

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Dark days POV :/

I hate having to go to the store when i’m feeling idk vulnerable? Just wearing something i was about the house in cause it was warmer today and this is all probably magnified by the pmdd rn but just i felt so oogled by so many, i feel like a freak show or something and one guy was following me so close.

the really stupid part is i just feel so distorted about myself, how i look and so on. recovering perfectionist i am an incredibly hard critic of myself but like i also feel like maybe my mom had something to do with this because i’d always be running behind when she’d be trying to leave to go out and she’d be like “what are you doing? -aggravated noise- Nobody cares what you look like” so maybe that got ingrained in me and it doesn’t compute to me why i’m being stared at either…

then it doesn’t help that one time in the walgreens parking lot some weird dude just came up to me and asked if i was not wearing a bra and asked if he could see .. and THAT really messed me up for a while. took me just being so wildly uncomfortable in all my bras to not wear one again. i still cover myself with my arms as much as possible though when i’m out.

really like to just exist without getting over attention, i’m just another human, can i go about my business?

How do you feel when you go out and are being obviously and continually oogled ?

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note to self of the day

on the days where i get up and do one- handful of things if i’m lucky and then lay down for a while again…

trying to function when facial pain has you so out of it on top of the adhd and hormones and meds and lack of meds making me like a moth in fog.

which apparently walgreens pharmacy is now taking the weekends off so my script that i need and got a text saying come get it! is just sitting on a shelf ready for me. why can’t people at least pick stuff up, i mean if a manager can check me out when they’re low on staff normally then why can’t that happen now?

probably the worst time for me to not have my vyvanse.. 😩 so much to be done and no brain cooperation …

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Previous post prompted me to start doodling the aforementioned -task paralysis-

Time slipping through my fingers to get to the things I need to want to would like to work on. As it all just continues to pile up around me. 🙃

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Things were easier (executive dysfunction was lower in some respects) when I was in less pain.

Pain is distracting.

If it is not the pain itself it’s the meds I have to take to help with the neurological pain that aid in my inability to think straight. Which having adhd by itself is one thing and it’s another to have to deal with all this.

I say things were easier but they were just -different- back then I was so overwhelmed by my emotions that I was a disaster whirlwind. Maybe less overwhelmed with my projects because i just didn’t have as much going on. 10 years packs on a insane amount of skills, hobbies, accumulation of materials.. I suppose it makes sense.

So maybe now different things take up my time.. my SO was more independent then and now I find myself often consumed or so distracted by him that once I’m done doing whatever it is with him I have lost what I was doing? Or I ran out of time to do what I was thinking..

I almost never have a good chunk of time where I’m not being taken away from whatever it is or really need to be doing other more responsible things, selfcare.. adulting and there goes my project slipping through my fingers like sand..OR I am so paralyzed by the time constraints that when I think about doing tasks or working on a project - I just feel I can’t possibly start on it.

While I’ve gotten over some traumas.. it would seem another has made itself impossible to ignore.

My horrid relationship with time ☠️

It has plagued me as far back as I can remember and it doesn’t let up. My concept of time just doesn’t meld with normal society and it sucks.

Idk I have the idea to doodle something’s to go with this ramble… but I don’t have the time right now. So maybe later 😮‍💨😵‍💫☹️

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A present to myself for the holidays I had decided to purchase a book that I had recommended by multiple people. The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk , upon searching for it I found a another book that was rated very well (that I sampled via kindle first) Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson (Though I feel might be less judgmental sounding to some if named “Growing Up Emotionally Stunted” or something) nonetheless it is an amazing book. I purchased another on Emotional Intelligence but it is at my grandmothers house at the moment so I’ll share later.

Reading these just constantly gives me moments where I’m thinking IT ALL MAKES SO MUCH SENSE, AHH YES VALIDATION. Lol I’m very excited to keep reading them and learning even more.

I’ve made it my duty to heal my generational trauma and help those around me as I learn too. Being dealt these shitty gene cards as I call them can at least benefit me in some way. There is always something good to come from something bad, though it may take time to find it or see it, it is there. My optimism is boundless, thank goodness it is, otherwise I’d be screwed 😅🤪.

Here’s a couple pages from The Body Keeps The Score

And here’s a couple from the Adult Children book

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I have tried many “social” media, most have not stuck, or even picked up at all..

How long will this last? Who knows - does it even matter? Why can’t I just use the note pad on my phone-? Does making some sort of blog of the chaos within my head mean anything? Some lame attempt at connection?

Meaningful relationships require work and maybe I just want to dump out what’s rolling through my skull when I don’t have the spoons, bars or energy to reach out. Also this just doesn’t need to be texted to one of my friends at this odd hour that I’ve suddenly decided to do this at.

Maybe I need a place to be unapologetically me- without feeling like I have to curb myself so much to share whatever it is.. I feel I have to post specific types of things on certain accounts because that one account is associated mostly with a certain hobby or interest and that audience doesn’t want to hear about blank. I have all these different platforms and accounts because I feel the need to compartmentalize all these different parts of me so that the information is more digestible and less overwhelming. Perhaps I’m projecting - I believe people follow people for certain interests and posts made outside of that interest are received like umm who cares?

As I’ve gotten older I see more and more how much I feel I just do not get how “normal” social things work, chronically out of the loop? Or just trying to do something in a way that isn’t meant for the way my brain works?

Anyways I’d like to try and out some of the

that my mind puts together for the many many things that I end up researching and learning about.. and so on. I’m not an expert in many things but I absorb a lot so idk maybe putting some stuff out there.. will help free up some room in my head and maybe actually make sense and or be helpful to someone else 🤷‍♀️

One can only hope 😌

Wooop wooop first post 🎊