The Journey Has Started

Our story of infertility

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Trigger shot!

Well we went for a scan yesterday to be told 5 good sized follicles could be seen.  That means one has grown over the weekend.  Devastated me though, think it's the reality of the situation brought home.  We have such small numbers to play with that it's frightening.  Really sobbed when we got home and Rob didn't really get it.  He said it was nice to have me happy since Friday and we'd had a lovely weekend.  This journey is such a rollercoaster of emotions though and I just can't help but get upset.  I did pull myself together a bit during the day.

Anyway, we have been told to trigger at 10pm tonight ready for collection at 10am on Thursday.  This is really happening.  I'm so nervous but also can't quite believe we've got to this stage, after talking about it and hoping and wishing for it for so long, after the two operations and all the waiting it feels a bit unreal to be this close.  I keep waiting for something to go wrong.  I'm desperate for it to work but I can't pin my hopes on such little chance as five decent follicles.

This is the hardest thing I've ever faced and I don't see a positive end in sight yet.

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8!

First stims scan this morning and 8 follicles were seen.  Four in each ovary, a couple in each were measuring about 18mm - they like them about 20mm for collection.  Had the message this afternoon and we are due back at 7:45am on Monday morning for a repeat scan and bloods.  The nurse does all this then sends it up to Nottingham where they have a meeting then report back what they want to do.  We have enough Menopur for 3 more doses so that's the last one on Sunday.  The nurse doesn't think we'll need any more.  I hope not as my ovaries ache already.  I am bloated and it aches when I walk.  Didn't sleep well last night due to nerves and being uncomfortable and bathroom sinks kept going through my mind!

I do feel a bit excited.  10 follicles would have been nice but given my AMH I think 8 is good.  Just so relieved that I responded and it's not been cancelled and that there are more than 3 or 4 follicles found.  Think I'm a bit excited due to relief.  I am going to keep doing what I have been doing for the weekend and see how Monday pans out.  Will keep eating protein, drinking lots of water and having a daily walk over the common for half an hour.

I got super brave yesterday and told my boss.  Well I kind of just shot out 'we're doing a cycle of ivf' when trying to explain my holiday days might move.  He seemed ok and said he'd tell others it was for medical reasons which I appreciate.  I did reiterate I didn't want anyone to know.  It's hard as it's not just admitting you need time off but if we are successful I could be leaving work, it's so much harder for a woman.  Ultimately I do feel better having told him as I think it should help with time off and other people etc, it felt wrong to be trying to rearrange days without management knowing and understanding so it is a weight off.

Nervous, excited and apprehensive all at once.  Going to be an uncomfortable weekend but let's hope it's all worth it.

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Stims

Day 7 of stims today.  The scan went well on the 11th July and we were able to start Menopur that evening.  It is a lot of it though, 450 every time, that's 6 vials of powder mixed with 1.5 vials of water in one injection and then the Buserelin as well.  The menopur hurts when it goes in and the needle is a little bigger than the buserelin one.  A couple of nights ago I went to do the buserelin but it hurt so much as I tried to put it in I had to take it out and Rob had to do it.  Last night I worked through the pain and did it but every day it is getting more painful.  Not sure how much longer I can work up the courage to do them.  Think over the last three days my ovaries have started to ache as well, it's like a dull ache in my lower abdomen that's constantly there.  I am drinking lots of water, eating lots of protein and trying to take walks every day.  Also using my hot water bottle after injections even though it's so hot.  Everyone tends to say the heat is good for growing follicles so it's worth a try.  We went out for dinner on Saturday and I sat in the car with the hot water bottle on the way there, that was a hot journey!

Our next scan is Friday 20th so we'll have been stimming for 1.5 weeks there about, I'm hoping it'll look like we're doing well.

It's my birthday tomorrow.  Not got anything to celebrate really but as Rob pointed out it's got to be better than last year.  My friends baby was born on my birthday last year and I was ok to begin with, just super pleased for her, but went downhill all day until I went to bed early sobbing as it felt like my heart had been ripped out.  It was the hardest most horrible birthday I've ever had.  Baring in mind we'd only just found out.  Looking back it's easy to see where I started going downhill towards my little breakdown in October.  Last summer was the worst. 

Anyway, the sun has come back out and I now live in a lovely peaceful location right opposite my happy place so I am going to go home and go for a walk in the countryside and remember how lucky I feel every time I can do that.

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10th July

My nephew's birthday.  I remember a year ago today driving back from a family meal out sobbing as a couple of days earlier we had found out we'd likely not be able to have children.

Today I sit here in pain just waiting to go home to curl up and cry.  Tomorrow is our first scan to see how down reg has gone and I have spent all weekend waiting to see if my late period would show up.  6 days late.  I'd heard buserelin could mess up your cycle but that you had to have a bleed before the scan.  The clinic has not mentioned either but I was worried.  It has finally arrived and it is so achy painful :( .  Not looking forward to the scan tomorrow, they are bad enough as they are let alone with bleeding too.

Rob came home last night.  I could barely bring myself to look at him.  I feel so let down and hurt.  I am so angry at him and hardly even like him at the moment.  He slept in the spare room last night as I don't even want him near me.  He tried talking to me last night, he said he's sorry and that he felt guilty as he was driving there.  He looked upset too but I am just so so angry I can't seem to shake it off.  It has made me question so much that he felt it was ok to leave me. 

This is the hardest thing I have gone through in my whole life and I am terrified.  I feel lonely enough as it is without then being left on my own.  I am now also worried that all the resentment and anger I feel, the utter sense of sadness and how low I am will have a negative effect on treatment.  I don't know what to do.  I can't forgive him right now.

I saw my lovely uni friends and their babies and bump on Sunday.  That was a bittersweet day.  It was lovely seeing them and the little ones but it's so hard at the same time.  I don't have anything to add to the conversation and it's a reminder of what I might never have.  Driving home on your own is difficult.  I went to my parents for dinner so at least I didn't spend all evening on my own but I just wanted to go home.  I massive sadness just came over me on the way home.  This is all so difficult.

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Buserelin

Well I've done eight days of injections so far.  I am a bit tired and foggy headed, the other day I dropped boiling porridge all down myself and have a blistered burnt leg.  The next day I threw tea everywhere.  So far so good!

Day one was at home and my parents happened to be there, day two was in a layby on the way back from the hairdressers and day four was on a pub car park during an MG run with my parents.  The last two I have managed to do myself at home which is good as Rob has now left to go on a boys jolly to Le Mans.  I am absolutely furious with him.  Not only that but I've barely seen him all week as he's tried to stretch himself too thin and now he's stressed to the max.  It's all his own fault and I have no sympathy.  We only moved into the new house a week and a half ago and were doing quite well with getting things in place but now it's all on hold until he's back. 

I actively dislike him for leaving me at the moment.  I know part of it is my fluctuating hormones as at one moment I feel rational and at another I feel raging.  But I still can't get over the fact he is that selfish to leave me on my own while going through all of this.  I know it doesn't seem like a massive thing but he's the one that said we'd do it all together every step of the way and that he wanted to do my injections.  He was late home the last two evenings so I had to man up and do it on my own.  He's really let me down and I just can't forgive him at the moment.

We have our first scan next Wednesday to see how down regging is going, I have my fingers crossed it's going to be ok.  I'm currently waiting for my period to show up as I've heard you need to have a bleed before you can start stims.  That's the other thing, we currently don't have internet so I don't have the support network that's online at the moment and am feeling pretty isolated.  I have started to feel some cramping today so I'm hoping it's imminent.

I am meeting some friends on Sunday, two with babies and one with a big bump.  Then I'll come home to do my injection.  It's all pretty rubbish.  I can't wait to see them but don't know if it will have any effect on me.  I have planned to go to my parents for dinner that evening so I am not alone dwelling on things.

I so hope this works.

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First one done!

So we moved into our new house this week which has been a lot of hard work.  Then last night was our first injection.  My parents happened to be there at the same time so Rob injected me while I squeezed my mum's hand trying so hard not to cry.  It stung doing in and seemed to take for ages.  It's so daunting but I really need to man up.  At the moment I am so grateful for the house project as I am focussed on windows, tiles, bathrooms etc and I don't have time to think about this. 

We picked the time of 7:30pm as Rob is usually back from work by then and felt that any later would interrupt if we wanted to do anything of an evening.  Tonight we have hair appointments so won't be home for 7:30pm - debating loading it up and taking it with us in case.  The clinic said it's not ideal but an hour each side is ok for leeway just don't feel comfortable with that on only the second day in.

Probably would be more overwhelmed with it all if it wasn't for the house project, at the moment I only feel like that when it's injection time but hoping that will balance out the more we get used to it.  It is slightly terrifying though.

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What it takes to make a baby

Last week we received a copy of the protocol for treatment.  Queue a meltdown that must have been brewing and an utter sadness that lasted all week and if I'm being honest hasn't completely gone.  It started due to receiving consent forms, the protocol and the news we maybe moving into the new house the day before yes THE DAY BEFORE the injections start.  Talk about to the wire.  Rob is off to Le Mans the first weekend in July and I am not happy about being left on my own while going through this.  To begin with he couldn't see what was wrong with it which made me mad but now I think it's starting to go in and he realises that it is wrong and is starting to feel guilty.  I know I can't stop him but I want him to feel damn bad about it.  Have put in my order for a camembert and toblerone as some compensation.  Anyway, as a result of all this I started to feel very overwhelmed and upset.  Give him his due he has been really good with me through this latest wobble and I really needed the support.  The only way I can describe how I feel is heartbroken, like someone ripped out my heart and stamped all over it.

We went to the clinic yesterday to have our bloods done, sign all the consent forms and to be shown how to use the first lot of drugs.  Rob said he can see the sadness in my eyes on the way back.  We are long protocol starting with Buserelin 0.5ml a day for down reg.  Then our first scan is booked for 11th July to see how it's going and when we can start the next injection which is Menopur at 450mg a day.  That was overwhelming to see the large amount of drugs that I will need, that's 6 vials a day.  It kind of brought home the reality of our situation and how lucky we will be if this actually works.

Then we received this delivery today.  Had it delivered to work as they could only give a time slot and it was there before I was.  Two big boxes so not quite what I was expecting.  The Ovitrelle trigger shot has to be kept refrigerated so had a whole cool box to itself.  It is now in our fridge but is going to live in my parents from this evening while we move.  I've never worried about the temperature of a fridge so much before!

So there it is, everything you need to make a baby.  Surrounded by packed boxes and two people just waiting for the next stage of their life to start.  Next week will be the first step to the next chapter of us.  I'm excited but also scared.  The excitement of the house move is a little dulled by the fact I just want to get in and unpacked ready for the first injection.  It is the most important thing in my life at the moment and everything else is overshadowed by it.  This is now reality.

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Rang the clinic for day 1 today, awaiting a call back to get things in motion for cycle one. Actually got a little frisson of excitement back when making the call. After the devastating news at the beginning of the week all the excitement I had felt had disappeared and been replaced by nervousness. To top it off Rob told me last night that his dad had told the guy who works with them. Absolutely gutted, couldn’t stop crying & had to leave the dinner table. I know the guy was being nosey but why would you tell someone that? It is the most personal bit of information & MY personal information. I am furious as we weren’t sure we wanted him to know anyway but couldn’t see how that was possible so had to hope he would keep information to himself. I am so hurt. Rob spoke to his parents this morning & his dad said he only told this guy we’d had bad news so we don’t actually know what’s been said. Even so he shouldn’t have even told him that. It’s even worse now as we’re probably going to be moving in with them for a couple of weeks while our house gets sorted and now I don’t want to be under the same roof as him 😩

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Homemade protein bars. It’s all about trying to help the quality of whatever eggs we’ll be lucky enough for them to retrieve. I’m eating healthy as always but trying to up my protein and water levels as will try anything. I have everything crossed for good enough quality. I don’t know how many times we’re going to be able to go through this. Going to put these away & have one a day as a snack, they are more satisfying than a shake.

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Got a call off the clinic today. AMH is now 3.5 which is sooo low 😔 it was 10.7 last year so it’s gone down a lot in a short amount of time too. So upset & don’t really know what to do. They said there’s no guarantee they’ll get any/many eggs or that they’ll be good quality. Devastated. Sobbed on the phone to Rob & my mum then had to get back to work it was so hard. How do I not be a mum?

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It’s June!!! This should be our month for progress. Just waiting for the last piece of paperwork for the house so should be moving soon & should be calling up to start our very first round of treatment next week 🤞🏻 as long as AF shows up on time. Beyond happy to finally get moving if a bit daunted. Was back at the clinic this week for an AMH test & scan to count my follicles. She thinks she saw 10 which isn’t really great but goes with what we were told about my slightly lower AMH before. All about the quality not the quantity so got to start looking after myself even better to give us the best chance. Just hoping I haven’t drank too much or ate too much rubbish over the last couple of months, have generally been good but sometimes stress gets the better of you no matter the good intentions. Got to focus now. I am really nervous about the AMH result, probably more so because it’s nothing I can change or influence & I don’t like not being in control! We have a few things planned for this month but are coming up with ideas to get around not drinking without raising suspicion. The last thing we want is people asking if I’m pregnant. Nervous about the house too, the one we’re buying has been held up by probate & our buyers are very keen to get a move on. Hopefully next week we’ll get the contracts back. Next week we’ll be calling the clinic too! November is our month but he’s hoping June will become our second ‘good things happen’ month 😆

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Today was our appointment at the clinic. We can start on my next cycle so roll on June. So excited about it & so is Rob which is lovely. Problems at work though which have massively taken the shine off it. There’s going to be some changes so now I’ve been questioned about what my long term plans are & whether I’m going to be requiring more time off. Then he asked what was going on. Obviously I refused to tell him even though I felt backed into a corner & pressurised. He kind of apologised this morning & I asked for the number for our employment law support. I explained I didn’t want to complain I just wanted to find out where I stood for next time this happened. He’s not given it to me & needs to ‘talk to me about that’. He’s not in the rest of the week so I’m going to see if I can source it myself. Every time I thought of it over the weekend my heart would start beating & I’d get all hot & panicky. Today when he said that it happened again, heart racing 10 to the dozen. Got a poorly tummy too. I can’t go on like this, I can’t keep going to work feeling like this. I told him the way it had made me feel. He handled it totally wrong & I can’t forgive him. It also proves I am so not near anywhere ready to talk about it. I actually hate him right now. Think he’s pissed I won’t tell him & said I’ll speak to my boss instead. I’m terrified of him making a big deal out of it & blowing it all out of proportion. This is my private life & has nothing to do with him or work really & I don’t understand why this is happening. Today was such a good day & I was so excited. Got to call on the first day of my next period so in the first week of June & we’ll go in to sign all the forms & get scans & bloods done. All being well we should find out mid August if it’s been successful. Teetotal birthdays for us this year!

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Spent quite a while trying to find a nice silicone & paraben free skincare range. Spoke to someone at Elemis & discovered the products I’d already been using are all silicone & paraben free yay. A great excuse to stock up. The search is over & I love these products. I got introduced to them at a spa & implemented them before our wedding, loved the way they made my skin feel. The dhea is ruining my skin so going to have a look at their moisturisers too - they smell so good! Just don’t tell Rob how much they cost lol!

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When we went to the first clinic over a year ago to find out what was wrong they told me to put on weight. I had already put on half a stone since our wedding & was a healthy weight but they told Rob to ‘feed me up’. As someone that’s an all or nothing kind of girl I ran with it 😂 and yes it was enjoyable but I started to feel less & less like myself. I missed the discipline of my exercise routine & felt rubbish not minding what I ate so I tried to improve. Since then I have put on more weight & fluctuated a little but still well within a healthy bmi. I am yet again ‘at my heaviest’ & I’m sick of feeling like this & my clothes not fitting. Our first appointment post op is on the 22nd May & I want to feel prepared - for that I need to feel fit & strong. I have felt utterly miserable the last couple of weeks & not been sleeping well but I have made an effort to start training & tonight marks my third session this week 💪🏻 yes they are short but I ache so something is working. I need to move some weight so my clothes fit, so worried that once treatment has started I’ll get even bigger. I need to stay motivated & yet again a conversation with my sil has been productive. It’s about looking after the eggs on the inside & doing the best for them. Just need to feel like me too.

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Phase 1 of preparing for a family - suitable family car purchased :) due to all the waiting & having to go by nhs timelines we’re using the time to get prepared & have as much in place as we can for if we succeed. It feels like one more positive step towards achieving our dream & creating a family.

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I hate myself right now, or at the very least dislike myself. I went back to work two days ago after two weeks off, I got a cold three days ago so not only are my insides aching like crazy everyday I get home but I feel rough too. Maybe that’s why cookies & whiskey seemed like a good idea this evening. I just don’t feel like I deserve to be looked after even though I know it’s the right thing to do & I’m terrified of putting more weight on through treatment. We got our appointment last week. 22nd May - felt like ages away when we received it & it is it’s 4 weeks now but I am so terribly nervous, it’s all I feel whenever I think about it & I think that’s not helping with how low I feel. I just feel so unnerved & worried & lots of other things I can’t explain right now - scared maybe? And I miss these two like crazy not spending all day with them. They are better company than the majority of people :)