Those who showed genuine interest in their partner's joys were more likely to be together.
âThroughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls âbids.â For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, âLook at that beautiful bird outside!â Heâs not just commenting on the bird here: heâs requesting a response from his wifeâa sign of interest or supportâhoping theyâll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.
The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either âturning towardâ or âturning awayâ from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that.
People who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid. Those who didnâtâthose who turned awayâwould not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Sometimes they would respond with overt hostility, saying something like, âStop interrupting me, Iâm reading.â
These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had âturn-toward bidsâ 33 percent of the time. Only three in ten of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy. The couples who were still together after six years had âturn-toward bidsâ 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partnerâs emotional needs.â
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âKindness⌠glues couples together. Research independent from theirs has shown that kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage. Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and validatedâfeel loved. âMy bounty is as boundless as the sea,â says Shakespeareâs Juliet. âMy love as deep; the more I give to thee, / The more I have, for both are infinite.â Thatâs how kindness works too: thereâs a great deal of evidence showing the more someone receives or witnesses kindness, the more they will be kind themselves, which leads to upward spirals of love and generosity in a relationship.
There are two ways to think about kindness. You can think about it as a fixed trait: either you have it or you donât. Or you could think of kindness as a muscle. In some people, that muscle is naturally stronger than in others, but it can grow stronger in everyone with exercise. Masters tend to think about kindness as a muscle. They know that they have to exercise it to keep it in shape. They know, in other words, that a good relationship requires sustained hard work.
âIf your partner expresses a need,â explained Julie Gottman, âand you are tired, stressed, or distracted, then the generous spirit comes in when a partner makes a bid, and you still turn toward your partner.â
Vivien Sansour shares her thoughts and experiences about what is taking place in the West Bank village of Battir
To be Palestinian is to learn how to say goodbye over and over again â not just to people, but to places, trees, valleys and childhood foods.
I am no stranger to this as a woman and a Palestinian, who has spent my whole life bidding farewells and trying to make sense of it all. This is precisely the reason, a few years ago, I became obsessed with seeds. Heirloom seeds gave me the opportunity to salvage some old stories, things we were saying goodbye to, and to give them new contemporary twists, subsequently reviving them for the sake of the future. I was trying to avoid another goodbye, and to hopefully offer a new generation at least fragments of their food heritage so they can know where they come from and what they come from.
This is why I started the Palestine Heirloom Seed Library and why, with our team, we invested a lot of time, attention and resources in developing an agroecological site in the heart of the mountain village of Battir â a few kilometers south of Jerusalem and west of Bethlehem and a UNESCO world heritage site. Battir is a major agricultural landscape comprised of ancient stone terraces and a traditional irrigation system dating back thousands of years. For two years now, we have worked hard to reclaim the land and restore the soil. The terrain required significant rehabilitation, including terracing â itself an art which is disappearing.
But all these things that we are working hard to conserve are under threat. Not only from climate change but from the increase in Israeli settlements, illegal under international law and with a presence that is both militant and damaging to the natural terrain. Construction of settlements, along with plans for roads and business parks, carve up ancient landscapes, pollute and damage water sources and harm biodiversity. For us, this is not a story we read in the paper â it is our daily life and thus our daily conversation: how do we persevere in our attempt to salvage the bioculture of this place, while at the same time managing military and settlement expansion?
In the global conversation about conservation and sustainability, we often find ourselves lonely if not misunderstood. How can the world that claims to care about sustainability, be so dismissive of social and political justice? How can we speak of the lost watermelon or the disappearing tomato without having a real conversation about the people who cultivated these varieties and the lands that were once their farms and their homes? And how can we understand food without understanding its people and the systems in which each food practice or variety was created? In Palestine, when we speak of food sovereignty, we are speaking not only about the quality of food or its value, we are speaking about survival. We are speaking of an agri-resistance movement that is defying all odds.
Adam and Eve in Terrestrial Paradise, n/d, decorative panel polychrome lacquer dark red, golden yellow, silvery white, pink, green and other nuanced colors, 97x68 cm
Private Collection
Of Russian origin, settled in Lyon, this painter-lacquerer was in his beginnings dinandier His lacquer work began around 1935. In 1938 he exhibited in the Guichard-PellĂŠ Gallery panels in lacquer and gold, technique that he masters particularly well. Interrupted by the war, his research culminated after 1945 with a choice of more ambitious themes relating to history or mythology. (Proantic)Â
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