Sleepless Renegade

It feels so scary getting old

[unchildhood]

AZRA TABASSUM (or @5000letters)

from My Heart is Full of Open Windows;

original photos and edit

[savetherenegade]

People are capable of change as long as they genuinely try- I see you change.

[savetherenegade]

It’s extremely unfair that i feel the need to hide my emotions just to protect yours

[savetherenegade]

And it’s unfair that I feel so judged by you for making choices specific to my circumstance

[savetherenegade]

It’s extremely unfair that i feel the need to hide my emotions just to protect yours

[blossomfully]

“I lay awake and thought about the girls he was kissing. I wondered if they looked like me; if they tasted the same. I thought how passion had a taste. Nonchalance too. And love, love had a taste that was hard to describe. It was like being filled to the brim, it was like being ignorant of emptiness and hunger. I lay awake and wondered if he was happy. I thought he must be bursting with it, or maybe he was just like me. Maybe he was trying to fill the space with girls who always left him emptier than before. Maybe he would remember me and regret the way we ended. Or maybe he was in love and I was the only one who couldn’t move on. Maybe I was just projecting my own feelings onto him. I lay awake and wished he would call. I wanted to hear him speak, even if it was just to talk about the weather. You don’t realise how much you can miss a person’s voice until they’ve stopped talking. But he never called, and I was too tired to sleep, so I lay awake and just wondered. I wondered how he was doing.”

— S.Z. // Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #223 (via blossomfully)

[blossomfully]

“Perhaps the worst thing to realise,“ she said, “is that you didn’t mean as much to someone as you thought.”

— S.Z. // Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #288  (via blossomfully)

[blossomfully]

[blossomfully]

“In my mind it’s 5 am and we’re thinking about each other but neither of us know it. In my mind you’re missing me because we left too many things unsaid, because I never got to really wrap my arms around your neck and kiss your face and say I was thankful for everything I ever felt for you. In my mind we are walking alongside the pavement on opposite sides of the road and you are so close, but not close enough. And I’m yelling at you, I’m saying ‘hi, hey, remember me?’ but you have your arm around the waist of somebody else. In my mind you’re running, I can see the blur, the flash of your person running towards me. But, when you arrive, I am not the one whose face you are touching. I am not the one whose air you are breathing. I am not the one and the truth is you left me behind a long time ago. The truth is you are here; always, constantly, irrepressibly here. And the truth is, this - all of this, has to be worth something. Right? Tell me I’m not the only one with this on my mind.”

— S. Zhao // To you, from me (via blossomfully)

[blossomfully]

“Sometimes you’re too close to someone to see the way they really are,“ she said. “Sometimes you love them so much that you don’t want to.”

— S.Z. // Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #296 (via blossomfully)

[book-caps]

S.Z. // Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #263

[blossomfully]

Why does my heart hurt so fucking bad

Because you thought it was going to be okay and it wasn’t

[blossomfully]

What are your top 10 favorite quotes?

“Isn’t it pretty to think so?” - Ernest Hemingway

“She wasn’t doing a thing that I could see, except standing there leaning on the balcony railing, holding the universe together.” - J. D. Salinger

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” - A. A. Milne

“That’s the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they’re not much to look at, or even if they’re sort of stupid, you fall in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can.” - J. D. Salinger

“He is mad about being small when you were big, but no, that’s not it, he is mad about being helpless when you were powerful, but no, not that either, he is mad about being contingent when you were necessary, not quite it… he is insane because when he loved you, you didn’t notice.” - Donald Barthelme

“I think you still love me, but we can’t escape the fact that I’m not enough for you. I knew this was going to happen. So I’m not blaming you for falling in love with another woman. I’m not angry, either. I should be, but I’m not. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong.” - Haruki Murakami

“So the darkness shall be the light and the stillness, the dancing.” - T. S. Eliot

“Because what’s worse than knowing you want something, besides knowing you can never have it?” - James Patterson

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” - Henry Wadsworth

“People have forgotten this truth,” the fox said. “But you mustn’t forget it. You become responsible forever for what you’ve tamed. You’re responsible for your rose.” - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Here are a smattering of quotes off the top of my head :)

[blossomfully]

“Perhaps the worst thing to realise,“ she said, “is that you didn’t mean as much to someone as you thought.”

— S.Z. // Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #288  (via blossomfully)

[derezzcartes]

*hears thunder* thor if thats u bitch i love u

[itagnola-deactivated20181222]

I think my biggest problem is that I love being alone but I hate being lonely

[blossomfully]

““No feelings.” He says. “No feelings,” I agree. “Just the here and now." He takes my hand. I dismiss the infinitesimal flutter in my stomach that seems to last an eternity. No feelings. He kisses me with the force of his entire being - until it leaves me shaking. No feelings. He takes my laughter and condenses it into a glass jar for rainy days. For when he’s gone. No feelings. He tells me his secrets and I tell him why I have trust issues and he lets me rest my head on his chest. "No feelings,” he says. “No feelings.” I echo. I hope he doesn’t mean it. I know that I don’t.”

— Sue Zhao // “Timing” 

[savetherenegade]

As I walk into the bar,

I glance at everyone who’s there-

My friends laughing her ass off, while the others all stare.

Ive watched her fall almost twice now, you’d think that she would care,

But she just sips her fourth beer, tries to forget she overshared.

There’s a boy sitting next to her, He’s stoned all the time-

It isn’t that he’s useless, He’s just scared out his mind.

He hasn’t been himself since, he doesn’t even know when,

Being sobers overwhelming when it’s all you’ve never been.

And this was almost a love song, don’t let me lie to you,

But my heart was feeling broken, and I thought yours was too.

But you left it all behind, burned every bridge you ever made,

And I’m left with all the ashes of the things you could’ve saved.

I look up at the bartender, he shares a little smile,

He says, “Hey, why don’t ya sit down? Feels like it’s been a while.”

And I know he’s been here since early this afternoon,

But he hasn’t been sober, since maybe last June.

And the drunk girl at the end is trying to get his attention,

Yelling all the things, she really shouldn’t even mention,

But she’s going through a hard time, she doesn’t mean to act this way,

She swears that she means to get her life back one day.

And this was almost a love song, don’t let me lie to you,

But my heart was feeling broken, and I thought yours was too.

But you left it all behind, burned every bridge you ever made,

And I’m left with all the ashes of the things you could’ve saved.

And my friend with the green eyes, she had her heart broken,

By a boy who always acted like he was the token,

Ingredient for happiness, shitty compliments and lies,

She never thought that he would lead to her demise.

And I’ve been up for a few hours, tryna get my head straight,

But I guess it hasn’t been straight, since at least our first date.

And I guess I made a mistake, but you made one too,

Mine was doing lines, but yours wasn’t all that new.

And this was almost a love song, don’t let me lie to you,

But my heart was feeling broken, and I thought yours was too.

But you left it all behind, burned every bridge you ever made,

And I’m left with all the ashes of the things you could’ve saved.