- my first and probably my last diary -
Just for the record, I haven't been posting my personal stuff online since forever. When I say personal, I mean personal-personal, not what I ate today or what game am I currently playing, it's what's in my head - my thoughts - my truth. I don't share them with a lot of people, nor do I think I should be sharing them here, but I have to, I'll explain why.
Long story short, I thought I had a second spiritual awakening at the beginning of 2025. Don't get me wrong, I am not woo-woo kind of a person, but I did have one when I was 15 that turned me overnight into a completely different person from before. I can totally make up an explanation for that but I won't, because I don't know why it happened and I can't lie that I do.
So there is this guy that I know for years. We have never ever met in person. We don't even know much about each other. In all honesty, he's not that kind of person who I would gladly consider friend. He had some toxic traits and could be difficult to deal with at times. He had a big ego. He was being straight up aggressive the last time we talked. As a result, I stepped away from him, yet we would bump into each other again somehow someway. This happened at least 3 times in the past. I don't even know whether I can still call it a coincidence.
I had dreams of him maybe a few times in the past couple of years but I don't think they hold any significant meaning, those were just dreams of I visiting his home and meeting his family. Fast forward to Feburary 2025, I had a dream of him tracking down my address. He walked straight into my home and then into my room and ended up lying on my bed like it's his own. Instead of freaking out like a normal person would, I was... happy that he found me. I crawled up on him, and I held his face in my hands. I felt genuinely happy - ecstatic - even enchanted. I wanted to be in his presence so bad I didn't want him to leave.
I woke up the next day and I was like WTF. I did a quick reality check on myself. Nope, I still didn't think he had what I wanted in a person, and nope, I still didn't feel anything special about the real him, so I moved on.
Then here it came the next dream. I can't say much about this one because I don't know how to put it in a way that doesn't make me sound like a total freak. At that point I started to feel like I was losing my mind, and I did. I am quite accustomed to introspection but even that didn't shed light on how and why this was happening, and most importantly, what should I do with this.
I wasn't running away from this, nor was I confronting it, because I didn't know what to do with it. It's like trying to solve an unsolvable puzzle. There's nothing I can do except stare at it until something happens to change the circumstance for me.
That's when things got escalated. I saw his name popping up everywhere in my daily life. I saw him in everything. Sometimes I think I could even feel his presence like we were connected in some way. It's as though the universe tried to shove it in my face. People call this phenomenon "soul connection" or even "twin flames". I am familiar with both concepts but remain skeptical regardless. I don't think you can have a deep connection with someone you barely know.
There was a period of time where I would keep tabs on him, trying to find out whether the same thing was happening on his side as well. There was also a period of time where I would be happy to just see him online. Days like this lasted for a while, and then reality slowly took over. Nothing really happened between us, we are still living our parallel lives. What if it's all delulu? What if it's all in my head? We come from two different worlds, and I really shouldn't be thinking about another person to begin with.
I want it, but it's probably not the right thing to do, and it's not going anywhere. I need to get a closure once and for all or else I am going to go crazy. I can't be left hanging in the air like this forever. It's starting to do more harm than good to me. I don't like the feeling of losing control of myself over something I don't even know if it's real.
I am not adding any hashtag to this post as I don't expect anyone to actually read this. It's a vent post. I can't tell this to anyone I know irl because they for sure will say I am trippin' or maybe I am? Whatever it can be, I am tired. It's a weight in my head that doesn't go away. I need to drop it somewhere and move on. I chose Tumblr because I don't think anyone knows my blog here. There is a slim chance that he might find it, but what then? If he didn't go through the same thing, he wouldn't know I am talking about him. If he did, he should have come and talked about it long time ago.
Sure I can simply initiate the talking to figure this all out with him but I doubt it would lead to anywhere. If I get a no from him, that just means I am a crazy bitch who has been imagining things. If I get a yes, what on earth am I going to do with that? I already have somebody else. I don't even live independently. I don't have anything to put on the table and I don't think I can make anyone (including myself) happy.
I know what I want, but I think it's time to do the right thing for everyone involved, so there is that.
I believe in love, I also believe everything will die off eventually. Even love won't last forever. I plan to delete this when I can finally let go of him someday in the future. When that time comes, this weight, this love, this memory, won't need to exist anymore.
I know falling in love with someone in a dream is a common thing for a lot of people, but not for me. It only happened twice in my life. They felt extremely real with crazy things happening in my physical life at the same time.
At least I was, for a moment, happy in the dream, and that's something I haven't been able to feel for as long as I can remember, for that I am grateful.
I can still remember that feeling - the pure bliss in his presence - the warmth of each other, and we let the world fade away. For a moment, everything was perfect.
It's moment like this that reminds me I am still a sentient human being, but we are complex, I am complex. I always feel shitty about myself. When I fall in love, I feel even shittier.
Guess I have an ego too. I don't want to be viewed as a delusional maniac, that's why I am writing here instead of talking to anyone I know irl.
The real him is prolly far from the one I saw in my dream. It was merely an idea of him, a fantasized version of him. I've wondered if any attraction archetype shit is going on here, but I've never fallen for his type. He's not even my type to begin with. There is no pattern. I can't explain this from both psychological and spiritual perspectives.
If the universe has been trying to guide me towards something or trying to awaken something in me, then why am I stuck here? If it's meant to be, then why hasn't it been yet?
Until I can let go completely and make sense of it all, I won't be logging into the platform we both use anymore. Every time I see his name showing up on my screen, it feels like a slap in the face. I need this detox. Once I get rid of everything that reminds me of him, the glow of this flame will gradually fade until there's none left, and life will go back to the way it was before, as if nothing ever happened.
Thank you dream.
Goodbye dream.
May this lost love rest here.
