ink runs into words

writer / 22 / b.l.v.

[sc0tchtap3]

"I want to be released

Instead my hands and ankles

Are bound

Tied to those around me

Tugging me along and smiling

Happy to be my captors

My chin is gripped tight

Being forced to keep my head up

While my eyes stay on the ground

My chest is lifeless

I stopped breathing

When he did

So I'm stumbling on

Rope burns in my skin

Unable to stop, because

When I do

I will not move again"

--sc0tchtap3 (b.l.v.)

[sc0tchtap3]

"Are you even thinking? Are you thinking too much? Are you trying to kill your thoughts?

Call me old fashioned but I don't think I'll stop you. If you want to do it, then do it. If you haven't found a reason to hold on yet, then you're just deepening the wound. I don't think I can be the antiseptic for something like that. Not like that.

We went out. I stayed, of course. A man started to talk to me, so we talked. A conversation yelled into each others ears under the pulsing of music. Why come here to talk? I only needed a spot to sit away from everyone and yet here you are. We talk under the shaking sound waves that could start an avalanche at any second. I message people. I read. He says, she was cute. My chest fizzes. For me? I laugh in that awkward way that is the only response I can think of. I'm ace. Asexual. That's what....I don't like sex. Confusion as always. I should just say I'm not interested. I wish I could excuse it with the old boyfriend line. But he is gone. He faded because I want to talk to him like I had been able to and touch his skin and play games with him again. We didn't fit but I miss him. I miss the comfort. Perhaps not him. I am flattered at the gesture anyway. That someone thought I could love someone. Or at least sleep with them.

She's Cute comes back. Asks what I'm reading. I tell her. I tell her the author. She says she does that too. Cool. My eyes burn and my head hurts and I want to leave, even if IT is on the television and I have never seen the older movie. She disappears like the smoke that shrouds me and I wonder what could be of I just let myself enjoy the close comfort of someone pressed against me. It is fleeting and I'm watching Beverly shriek at the blood and Eddie flee from his mother. I sip on my water and I get a message. She asks if I am okay. I am. I am watching IT. I brush off my bitterness.

Seconds and hours sludge by. I'm tired. I want to leave. I mention leaving early. Like last time, I am having fun. Yes, this was my decision to stay, it what is so spectacular about getting so wasted your vision bleeds together and you stumble through wavering rooms and across wobbling tiles? I am not here to protect you from yourself this time. I did not want to be here. I am being cold because I need to. You have been pushing me too far lately and I do not like getting pushed this much. I am tired so I ask to leave. Having too much fun. Like last time. I know then that we are not leaving at midnight. We are not leaving at one. I say I am going to nap. You are worried for a split second because you have to be. I say it is fine because otherwise you will ask me why. Why do I have to be a spoil sport? Why do I need to leave so badly and ruin all this fun? I brush it on and say no worries and you mock apologize and say we can leave at one.

I go to my car and listen to Shinedown. I take a nap to rest my head and speed up the time. Jumbled messages and almost two hours later, she is trying to get in. A man is there and I want to punch his teeth in. He seems nice though so I bite my tongue. She says she forgot her card. I go look inside. It was in her pocket. Twice I have to pull over and let her vomit. I pull onto a gas station after the second time because she had to pee. I drive home shivering and clenching my jaw because the cold air makes her pass out and she doesn't throw up again. I drop her off and as I watch her get inside her house, all I can think of is how when she dropped me off, she left immediately. Another time she made me call my brother. That time, she could have just dropped me off and it would have been about the same. I watch her get into her house because she has never done that for me and then I turn on the heat and leave.

I think about if she had alcohol poisoning and what if she died. I wasn't a person, then, because I decided I would not care. Some time after, I would. Maybe I would blame myself. But I refused to feel agony over something that made me stress even more. She made me break down in Japan when I thought she died. Now I could not feel bothered because I think I'm breaking past the point of no return. Yes I am feeling, but it is not as I should be.

Are you trying to kill your thoughts? Because I know mine are trying to kill me."

-- sc0tchtap3 (b.l.v.)

[sc0tchtap3]

“you awoke

a poetry in me

that was there

all along”

—sc0tchtap3 (b.l.v.)

[sc0tchtap3]

“and that is

my best form

of self-defense--

pretending what happened

never did

and never will again”

--sc0tchtap3 (b.l.v.)

[sc0tchtap3]

“reaching for the stars 

but all ever grab is

fistfuls of dirty oxygen that

reminds me how hard

it is to breathe”

- sc0tchtap3 (b.l.v.)

[sc0tchtap3]

“forgive me for what my heart said

when I let it take the lead

I didn’t think it’d go like this

I didn’t think at all”

- sc0tchtap3 (b.l.v.)

[sc0tchtap3]

here take this gun press it to my chest I will say cliche things like how it's me putting all my faith in you to not pull the trigger except I know you will everyone does it's just a matter of time before curiosity gets the better of you and you will squeeze it to see what happens

sc0tchtap3 (b.l.v.)

[sc0tchtap3]

Failure is when you give up, I'm told Failure is that moment you can't get back up  I have failed I failed the second my mind grew weak I failed as soon as my thoughts grew larger than I could handle There are hands waiting for me to ask for aid to help me to my feet so I can breathe again I have to do this on my own I have to stand by myself if I never can then that will be my fate I refuse to drag anybody else down I don't mind suffering in silence

sc0tchtap3 (b.l.v.)

[sc0tchtap3]

There's a girl I know she's made of yellow All her thoughts are blue sad in every shade and hue But this girl I know is so bold shining in every kind of gold I can't say what makes it so,  the color of this girl I know, because how it seems is a much dimmer color she gleams I just can't help seeing with every fiber in my being this girl that I know shining a bright and vivid yellow

sc0tchtap3 (b.l.v.)

[sc0tchtap3]

who's to know if you really want something  or not you can say it and think you mean it but do you? I guess the only way  to know for sure is to measure the regret afterwards then you just live with it

sc0tchtap3 (b.l.v.)

[sc0tchtap3]

it's hard to pick a favorite color hard to pick, because so many things are my favorite color the vibrant yellow of turning leaves the pastel pink of a sunset sky the bright green eyes of a cat I loved the mixed greys of an incoming storm the faded red of peeling paint the glowing orange of a dying fire and blue.

sc0tchtap3 (b.l.v.)

[sc0tchtap3]

I'm supposed to be balanced--

too much emotion then too little,

so it evens out

these ripples

are supposed to smooth over

my thoughts are supposed

to stop trying to kill me

—sc0tchtap3 (b.l.v.)

[sc0tchtap3]

“I wish I smoked so I could put a name on the terrible restlessness that takes ahold of me on nights I can't really sleep

instead of, quite lamely, saying that I just couldn't stop thinking that someone threw gasoline all over my thoughts and set them on fire

that my brain turned into this runaway train this untamable mustang this rabid animal that definitely bites back

if only I could be addicted to something as simple as nicotine rather than my own misery”

--sc0tchtap3 (b.l.v.)

[sc0tchtap3]

au idea – freckles are scars of love when you loved too much and so bad the kiss where it ends allows a dusting of freckles to bloom the more times this type of love happens, the more freckles you get they get darker and spread across your body they make your skin as sensitive as your heart physical reminders that you’re clearly hard to love, if you can’t make them stay

[sc0tchtap3]

And when I see the stars that's all they are Glittery specks of light that make the sky glow Nothing more nothing less No magic surrounds them No passion No mystery Just balls of fire lit up in the depths of space The ones we see now probably died before you were born Before wars occurred Before humans divided as a species When I see the stars that is all they are Glittering specks of light that shine down They shine down coldly in the vast darkness And the only thing they seem to give is loneliness A great void of solitude as overbearing as the blanket that swaths them They somehow make me feel small Smaller than I've ever been Worth less than the ground I walk and nothing more The stars are wishful pieces of cosmic dust that everyone yearns for But they don't yearn for anything in return Romanticized and dreamed about they are not what you want them to be It's asking for change where none can occur It's slipping into a one-sided relationship It is falling into a rabbit hole of fantasy and mistakes Because stars are not hopeful They are not glorious They are balls of gas that can't even eat away at the darkness of space What they do is they make humans feel as if they were also lost in space Floating through time Wondering how they managed to make it so far without being destroyed And was it all even worth it? When I see stars they are nothing Nothing but sparkling attempts to bring about an end to this pain An end to this game of back and forth between us and the great maker above us all False prophets without even knowing what they do About as useful as a collar full of diamonds Bright and fetching but nothing in the way of satisfaction They are great and big and luminous Eye catching Hypnotizing Yet I refuse to make them seem as anything more Because they would do the same for me Have done the same for me Will always do the same When I look up and see the stars I feel empty

[sc0tchtap3]

“I end up at a loss for words so often More often than I’d like None so much as when I talk to That One Person

As he has claimed, He has entered my heart As I have claimed, There is no such thing

But there he is, Sliding across the wooded flooring Waxed with blood and tears and everything else so no one will touch me Regardless, He is there

I don’t want him there Even if it is kind of nice to have an intruder such as he

A case of lovepoisoning, He said Like lead poisoning and just as toxic

How do I respond? I don’t I pretend he never said such a thing Even as my fenced away heart beats faster

Speechless once again”

-- --sc0tchtap3 (b.l.v.)

[sc0tchtap3]

“Labels are everywhere things places people

people have labels people have labeled themselves they made boxes within boxes within boxes within their heads

they create their own titles and demand them to respected they call themselves these things they call others these things they just box everyone up

and when you try to escape the boxes they get mad they grow childish call you names you can’t leave the boxes because that type of freedom is not meant to be

everyone wants to be free, deep down which is why they made the boxes if one person cannot achieve it why let anyone else believe they could”

--sc0tchtap3 (b.l.v.)