If I’m dead to you why are you at the wake?

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@scaredofthelightmorethanthedark
If I’m dead to you why are you at the wake?
The Great Impersonator felt like a trip I went on once. It was like falling through time and space. Life and death and love and my daughter were the only things that mattered. Asking God if they were there. God never answered back. It takes bravery to sit with pure horror without trying to deny the reality of it. It is cleansing to feel everything. I’m still sitting with the heaviness of it all.
" 'cause i could never hold a perfect thing
and not demolish it
what am i thinking?
what does this mean?
how could somebody ever love me?"
- Forever... (is a long time), Halsey.
Every few years I lose my job because of my mental illness. I’m never going to survive this world.
in hindsight, the american public school idea of gym class was both absolutely buckwild and also incredibly ableist. i have a degree in education, and the more time i spend away from being a student, the less the concepts espoused there make any sense to me.
i was dancing ballet somewhere between 3-5 days a week, but i have never been a good runner. i have asthma and, at the time, i had horrible shin splints. yet running was seen as the only indicator of my health. my teacher fucking hated me for my lack of sprinter's interest here, like i was doing it to spite him. he thought that asthma was something "only for kids", like i was faking a wracking cough just so i could be "lazy" and "get away with it".
we weren't trained how to run safely. we often ran with bad form in sneakers that didn't quite fit. we were required to be able to ace this test once a year, immediately, with no follow-up or practicing. the rest of the year, gym class was a waste of time and energy. even kids who liked gym liked it because it was useless in entirety.
maybe he hated me because i was one of those students who shouldn't have struggled. i was pretty fit. during the sit-up test, i outpaced the other kids. corework is incredibly important to dancers, so i found the sit-up test easy. my teacher didn't take down my first result. he said, i've seen how you run, no way your number is that high. i explained i dance, he snorted and said you hardly have the body of an athlete and made me do the test again to be sure i wasn't "cheating". when i still passed, he said so you don't bother running just because you're a little rebel, huh? i bet you just like making men angry.
we had these sweat-covered wooden boxes to test our hamstring flexibility. you'd sit down, put your feet against a board, and push a slider away from your body. we had 3 turns to pass the test. on the first turn, my teacher watched as i gently pushed the slider to the end of the row instead of shoving myself forcefully over my toes. he said don't be rude, take the test seriously. i said - "okay, but i clearly can pass the test, i don't want to force my muscles. sudden movements aren't good form." he said i was going to get a detention at this rate. that he knew it was going to be a fight with you, it always is. you like the attention because you don't get it at home, huh?
i was 14, and i was annoyed and embarrassed, and i didn't handle it well. so i did as requested. i made my hands into a little diamond and shoved, just the way he wanted. the slider snapped off due to the amount of sudden force. i hit the end of the row so hard the test just fucking broke. i was sitting there, shocked by what was a legitimate accident: and this dude goes white and then red in the face. this is one of the only times in my life i got sent to the principal. he said she is vindictive and broke school property. malicious. noncompliant. for gym that year, i skirted by with an ugly "barely passing" D+.
and i was lucky. for once in my life, my parents were extremely chill about the whole thing. they saw the grade and just laughed about it. they were paying for me to go to dance class 4 hours a day, they knew exactly how fit i was. the principal tried to explain it to them, annoyed with their dismissal: i clearly wasn't healthy. he made sure they knew i wasn't an athlete, because dance is not a sport. i had to run the mile three times that year, to "make up" for my lack of effort. i walked it slow on purpose.
and i just... don't get it. in no other class would the lack of accommodations or training be appropriate. yes, you should know certain things leaving a class, but nobody expects you to be able to recite the whole biology textbook by the third month. nobody particularly expects you to pass a test if the teacher has literally never taught it. imagine if in english, you had a random test on vocabulary, and when you said these are just random words you never taught us. it isn't a good indicator of my reading level, writing, or of my reading comprehension - you were told: well it's most of your grade, but it's not that fucking hard, is it?
it is not a class about how to cook or how to help yourself balance your diet or how to run or how to get good at stretching or how to stay agile or how to do cool gymnastics or how to listen to your body or how to watch for injury or how to treat chronic pain or how to safely use weights. it was an hour of my life where i would be bullied with the teacher's permission. i look back at this thing and i just... i don't get it. while art teachers and english teachers are struggling for any funding - gym is just. protected under the idea it is somehow helping america... stay "fit". they make us run a mile and then say "great, we've measured your health" ... and then that's just... it.
as i was teaching the other day, i mentioned the fitnessgram pacer test to my kids. they're 19, are in college. many of them haven't been in gym class for a few years. i wish you could have been there to see their reaction. it was like i reminded them of their worst nightmare. we had to derail the conversation just so each person could go around the room and say their horror story about it. and each person had a horror story.
these days, i'm doing well. i love how strong i am, when i can be strong and my heart don't act up. i still dance at least 3 times a week. i have a performance on saturday, actually. but before you ask - no, i never learned to run. i don't really want to either, because it's just not good for my particular body.
so i guess, according to them - that makes me unhealthy.
Total mood.
When I’m gone don’t let them say I didn’t beg for help.
A comic about the spectrum of responses to stress - we talk alot about the more extreme ends of this and trauma, but the more subtle and every day responses can be harder to spot. if we can understand our own and other’s responses better, problems Are easier to confront and blaming is less likely to happen :) hope it’s helpful!!
i just need to get through this week
no piece of teen media has ever accurately depicted the quiet psychological warfare of bullying. bullies on TV are always dumb brutes and not the evil geniuses of emotional manipulation that they are in real life. being given a wedgie and having your lunch money stolen is nothing in comparison to a classmate quietly creating a taboo against speaking to you that they intend to enforce against all the other kids. it’s nothing like continuous cutting comments from people you thought were being nice to you. that way that the work of one kid can make you feel like every person on earth silently hates you and that you are dirty, disgusting, worthless, creepy and useless. that you can have friends but many of them will not speak to you at school for fear of the social consequences on their end. how that damage lasts in any social setting for the rest of your life
you can’t even “tell a trusted adult” because you cannot begin to articulate the thousands of small transgressions you’ve experienced building to the horror of knowing your peers would like you dead. they don’t have to say it or hurt you physically. they have other ways of letting you know they’d prefer if you were worn fuel
The loneliest thing about trauma is always having to edit myself to death. We all need places where we can be unflinchingly honest. Writing is where I can do that. I don’t expect anyone to read this. I just need to say it. It has been a decade since the first year I was raped. Ten years of denial. Memory twisting the knife. Blaming myself. Fighting to accept that what happened was real. Constantly putting myself on trial in my own head. Ten years of wondering if what happened was bad enough to even call myself a survivor. I wish I didn’t use self destruction to cope. I wish I didn’t find myself being retraumatized over and over again throughout the past decade. I wish I could say it has been ten years since the last time I was raped. I don’t know if my first rapist is still alive. Last I heard he moved back to his home country. We are a whole decade and an ocean apart but he’s still in my head. I still don’t fully blame him for what he did. I know he never saw it as rape. The one time I found the courage to scream he called me a bitch and he stopped. I wish I had been able to find my voice like that more often. That one time was honestly strictly out of pain. The details are the hardest and loneliest parts. I can’t join a support group because I work at the local rape crisis center. I went straight to advocating for other survivors before I ever learned how to advocate for myself. I’m learning that now, or at least I’m trying to. I have so much more empathy for my 16 year old self now that I’m an adult. I was so young. I was already traumatized from growing up in an abusive household. I was so vulnerable. In the past ten years I have learned a lot about what consent looks like. I have also learned about the fawn response which has helped me make sense of the trauma more than anything. I am still learning. Still growing. That wounded teenager is still a part of me but I’m learning how to make peace with her. She deserved to be safe. I don’t remember how many times I was assaulted throughout the three-ish month long relationship I had with this boy in 2013. I do remember feeling like I should be thankful that at least he payed attention to me and found me attractive. I wish I could tell my younger self she didn’t have to settle for abuse. Tell her that one day she would find love beyond her wildest dreams. I wish I could tell my younger self that she didn’t deserve it. No matter how badly she believed she did. While I can’t go back in time, I can write it out. It was never her fault. Maybe these words will echo back in time to that young girl who is still frozen there. Maybe she will hear them now.
My doctors have gone from it’s BPD to Bipolar II to just kidding that’s a misdiagnosis it’s CPTSD and also ADHD but oh turns out there is also OSDD and the BPD scores are still off the charts but really that’s the trauma haha just get help though
Major TW
I know I can’t act on these thoughts but there is something inside of me absolutely romanticizing the idea of going out in the cold tonight and never coming back. It is telling me that the best gift I could give the people who have the misfortune of loving me is to rid them of me forever. I am toxic. My existence hurts people. I know I can’t leave this earth but that doesn’t stop my mind from trying.
i be in my own head fighting for my life