... I thought today ends with a fresh shower and a goodnight sleep after a long, productive day (work work production issues hay), but I was wrong. You see, we all have our own demons to fight against and tonight, I was caught off guard. Among all the demons that haunt me, these four are the ones that stood out tonight. Insecurities. Ahh yes, I believe we have those moments when we think we are not pretty enough, smart enough or good enough for anyone else. This is one of my weaknesses as I always have a hard time looking beyond my imperfections. When I was still in my teenage years and I'd look myself into the mirror, I felt terrible. I wasn't happy with what I saw. Crooked teeth, dark skin, frizzy hair... all of these made me conscious growing up. It's a miracle if someone likes me for real. Though I would admit that there were major improvements to my appearance now, there are still times when someone says pleasant words about me like cute or whatever, I have a hard time believing them. Sometimes, I feel relieved but most of the time, it's really not how I see myself even up to this very moment, especially when something triggers you. ... which leads us to... Envy. Grass is greener on the other side. There are people who will always be better than you in different aspects (looks, skills, achievements, etc.). A normal person will advise you to not compare yourself with anyone because it's just a waste of time and we were born with our own uniqueness and whatnot. Like I said earlier, I was triggered by something that made me feel this way. I'm envious on how the other girls look and I can't help comparing them with myself. "She's prettier, she's this and that. Look at her eyes; look at how she smiles. I bet she turns a few heads. I think guys easily notice her." When you let your insecurities consume your mind, there's nothing much you can do about it. Sometimes, you'd just wait till it goes away like always... when they are done making you feel bad about yourself. ... and then... Jealousy. There's a thin line between envy and jealousy. Both can be each other's cause and effect. As much as I hate to admit to myself, I am jealous because I feel envious. My heart breaks when I realize all the good qualities other people have which I don't possess. The more I think about it, the more painful it gets. "Look at her, she's perfect for him. They look good together. They are compatible with each other. I'm no better than her. I'm a downgrade." You begin to have second thoughts on the compliments and sweet words you receive if the people who said that mean it as much as you want to or they are just being nice. Funny how I admitted to myself being jealous because I usually tell people I'm not that type of person. I may don't mind and shake it off. I guess sometimes there are things you don't even know about yourself and it surprises you. ... and finally... Doubt. As you begin to doubt about the others, you also doubt about yourself. Did they mean what they say? Do I really look decent? Am I pretty? Did they just say those things because they were afraid to hurt your feelings? Are they just being polite? Did they really see yourself past through all those insecurities you've been yammering about, and appreciate you by being you? Did they really love you at the very least? How sincere are they? Why did they even like you when there are so many other people looking and doing better than you?? What's even there to like about? Am I enough? What if someone better comes along? Will they change their minds? Will they leave you hanging (again)? ...what if they fall out?... I'm completely at lost. I allowed myself to drown in negativity as these four demons laugh back at me over and over again. Their voices echo inside my head all at once, telling me these things I don't want to hear anymore. I hate myself. That's what you get from stalking someone's profile.
kianamaiart
romaincrisis
janainaart
turnnoffyourmind
vaporwave
baratheonpilled
snowghoul
