Hi, I'm struggling again @scheduled-boy - Tumblr Blog

Intro Post:

Hello! I feel like I have a weird amount of followers, so I guess I’m making an intro post!

My name

I’m a trans dude trying to get to a place where I can pass(he/him or it/it’s)

I’m super into journaling at the moment and while this has been (and will still be) my vent blog, I won’t be so focused of wl

tw ed stuff below that im maybe moving away from, but haven’t quite left yet

#my updates #skinnywillhappen #look at later

alicewritten

pinterest comments that make you scream and wail and pull your hair crouched on the ground in hope

yeehawpim

I feel like wanting things has been important to being happier for me

kaijutegu

Today I was talking with my mom about why seeing an alligator is fundamental to my mental health. At first she laughed but I got her to listen and she gets it now. My psychiatrist and I call this the alligator litmus test, and it works really well for making decisions about my treatment. I bring this up because perhaps there is something in your life that you can use in a similar fashion.

I have severe major depressive disorder, and I treat this depression with medication. I've been on meds for about... seven years now, and sometimes we have to mess with them. But sometimes the emotional part of the depression is just super bad and there's something underneath that needs to be addressed. When we are figuring this out, my psychiatrist says to take one alligator and call her in the morning.

See, no matter how bad I'm feeling, seeing an alligator almost always cheers me up in the moment. (This works with other large crocodilians, too- they gotta be big, it doesn't work with caimans. I don't know why.) I can't look at their goofy toofers and beautiful eyes and bumpy hides and not be a little wowed by them. Millions of years of evolution have led to this amazing creature and they are completely unbothered by me. Almost all of the time, they make me feel happy. Or maybe I'll feel sad for some unspecified reason. Maybe I'll get worried about the ecosystem or something- but invariably, I will FEEL.

Unless, of course, it's my brain chemistry. If I can experience an alligator and not feel anything- not happy, not sad, just numb- there's something wrong and we should talk about adjusting my meds. Usually with a little tweaking I'm back to my very functional medicated baseline in quick order- instead of wasting time with coping skills and such alone when what I really need is brain chemicals, it's a much quicker way to communicate what's going on with me. At the same time, it also helps me know when the coping skills ARE likely to work without changing up my meds, or when there's something I need to work through with some help.

It's a pretty solid test. Might not work for anyone else on the planet, but it works great for me!

catchymemes

fitographia

home, gym, wherever workout 😇

wearing @nvgtn digital seamless leggings in taupe, code VICKY 🤍

crop top is @womensbest comfort collection in buff, code PLAMENOVA 🤍

routine details :

8 ea. hip flexor to ham stretch

8 ea. elevated side lunge

8 dynamic t-spine stretch

8 dynamic child’s pose

8 ea. assisted pistol squats

16 alt cossack squats

16 ea. figure 4 hip thrusts

16 ea. leg lifts

8 alt lizard hip openings

x2 rounds

if anything is too advanced or uncomfortable feel free to modify or skip it altogether. if unsure how to modify i’m happy to help

©️Credit ig @vickyplamenova

#Beautiful #fit #woman #fashion #gym #fitnessmotivation #fitness #FindYourBalance #sportgirl #lifestyle #motivationmonday #happy #fitnessaddict #selfie #home #love #workout #work #workinprogress #fitnessgirl #summer #sunset #sun #squats #gymrat #legday #leg #legs #strong #fitnessmodel

scheduled-boy

as christmas is over and the new year is starting my urge to do this is fading, idk how active i’ll be, like i still plan on trying to loose weight but idk if i’ll be doing it the speedy way lol

minor ‘recovery’ time for a bit i think

stay safe out there, i wish all of you well, and i’ll probably see y’all in a month or so when i get back to this, been a good two months though so i can’t complain

scheduled-boy

so i know i came back like not even a week after this post then basically instantly vanished, but i think im back for real now? but not quite as an ed blog, like it’s defo not full recovery, but im no longer an ed blog so if that’s what you followed me for sorry, i’m not gonna go back and delete posts at the moment but im gonna move this to more of a jornal/scheduling/whatever blog

anyway, not totally sure what this blog will look like but that’s ok, im just trying to take it a day at a time rn

#my updates

tummyach1ng

Seriously considering getting my tongue pierced just so I have a reason to not eat.

haileysanadiary

more thinspø !! 💗

furiousgoldfish

The memory loss as a feature of ptsd and dissociative disorder is rarely talked about. It’s not only ‘big holes in memories’ or ‘blank periods of time’, though of course that happens too. But you lose people from your memory too.

Relationships, friendships. People who once meant everything to you, you can’t recall their names anymore. People you only casually knew during a period of trauma can fade from your mind completely. You can’t remember what you said to someone, what conversations you had together, even the fights and the lows, it all becomes a blur, and then completely fades away.

Your life is sorted into periods of whatever trauma was going on at the moment, but you can’t recall what else took place. What you learned, what experiences you had, the normal things you did that later feel bizzare for a person in your situation to do, to be able to do. Or you don’t remember the trauma, and it’s difficult to put things into any kind of context.

And for your childhood, it’s impossible to make a timeline out of it. Events mesh together, there’s no before or after, to link an event to a year is almost impossible, for any event you can’t tell if you were 5 or 8 or 14, you try and make sense based on what else was going on in your life, except you can’t quite remember what it was. You lived one life at home, a whole another life in school or public space, another one online, and they don’t seem to be connected at any point, and to link it all in a timeline feels impossible.

The memories that don’t hold strong emotions fade first, but eventually, the ones with strong emotions fade too.

Your short term memory becomes difficult as well, it feels like an incredible strain to remember anything you did 2 weeks ago, or 2 days ago, or yesterday. If you’re reminded of something that went on a year ago, it’s a shock because you no longer remember it as something that happened at all. Your brain erases anything that ended as something that never happened, or isn’t worth recalling, or would only stress you out to think about, so you don’t, and it goes away.

Having a memory surge back is stressful, because you realize you never thought about this event, or this person, for years, and this meant something to you, it formed you and shaped your life, it made you feel something. But it was gone for so long, and probably, the second you forget it, it will be gone again. It’s hard to see who you are when you no longer know who you were. You don’t know how anyone perceives you because you don’t recall your experience together.

smallvoid

As someone diagnosed with PTSD and is undergoing assessment for a dissociative disorder, sometimes it’s not even this.

Sometimes it’s your brain getting fixated on it being a different day than it is and you live this day as if it was that day, you go to work when you don’t have a work shift and sometimes you only realise when you check the schedule on the bus.

Sometimes it’s not knowing how you got to the shops because you can’t remember leaving the house or developing OCD because you genuinely can’t remember whether you shut your door properly even if you are staring directly at it.

Sometimes it’s ripping your larder apart because you could have sworn there was a tin of beans there because you bought a tin of beans several days ago only to realise that no — you bought that tin of beans months ago and have already eaten them.

Sometimes, it’s knowing that you did hang out with your friend but having no memory of it, even though it happened 2 hours ago. You nod and agree that it was an excellent time together, even though you have no idea what you did together because you don’t want to seem like you’re having a nervous breakdown.

Sometimes, it’s realising that this isn’t normal because there was no before for you. You do not live in an after. You have always been this way, with this memory that has years and months and days and hours missing. That others, even those with PTSD, those who are meant to be like you, remember something before It.

There was never an It for you.