Getting back to memories.
Here I am again. I had really though time at home. I struggle with my marriage, with work and with my existence in general. I became apathetic, bitter, and senile. I even start to chat with my ex girlfriend. I feel that lonely, that memories started to appear. And as far as I remember, she seems to me like the only person who truly loved me.
I am not really making assumptions. My wife had ‘honest moment’ and told me, that she really never cared for anybody. She even told me, that she never loved me. By the way, she confessed also that she is looking for other men.
I have no intentions with ex girlfriend, as this might seems from stereotypes. I just wanted to live a while in nostalgia. To run away. Like some kind of a drug. It become an obsession.
Today she pointed out, that she does not want to live in the past and that she does not like to remember the past. I was trapped, because I realized in that moment, that it is something I want. I even didn’t know. I had many rationalizations for my actions.
Relationship with my wife seems to get better .. but I feel like trapped in loop of self-petty and blame.
I really love to fix my relationship. I have a son with my wife. Maybe I am also lazy to even plan different life. I honestly don’t know why I am not serious about leaving.
I’d love to get better. To be again loving for others. This time to set also some boundaries (which I did .. but it went wrong to bitterness after realization how many toxic people were taking me down).
But I feel like a mess. Unstable. Not able to move. Paralyzed. I do not see the point in even trying. In the same time, I feel inertly highly motivated to get better.
I need really good plan.















