Schemator

Programmer, dreamer, self-improvement obsessed, truth seeking, failing and starting again 30M.

[schemator]

Getting back to memories.

Here I am again. I had really though time at home. I struggle with my marriage, with work and with my existence in general. I became apathetic, bitter, and  senile. I even start to chat with my ex girlfriend. I feel that lonely, that memories started to appear. And as far as I remember, she seems to me like the only person who truly loved me.

I am not really making assumptions. My wife had ‘honest moment’ and told me, that she really never cared for anybody. She even told me, that she never loved me. By the way, she confessed also that she is looking for other men.

I have no intentions with ex girlfriend, as this might seems from stereotypes. I just wanted to live a while in nostalgia. To run away. Like some kind of a drug. It become an obsession.

Today she pointed out, that she does not want to live in the past and that she does not like to remember the past. I was trapped, because I realized in that moment, that it is something I want. I even didn’t know. I had many rationalizations for my actions.

Relationship with my wife seems to get better .. but I feel like trapped in loop of self-petty and blame.

I really love to fix my relationship. I have a son with my wife. Maybe I am also lazy to even plan different life. I honestly don’t know why I am not serious about leaving.

I’d love to get better. To be again loving for others. This time to set also some boundaries (which I did .. but it went wrong to bitterness after realization how many toxic people were taking me down).

But I feel like a mess. Unstable. Not able to move. Paralyzed. I do not see the point in even trying. In the same time, I feel inertly highly motivated to get better.

I need really good plan.

[schemator]

Today failure. Struggling on Home Office.

Today is one big failure. I am not able to convince myself to start to work. I like it in office, but due pandemic situation it is closed.

At home there so much distractions! I am not even tracking habits today. And even when doing nothing I feel exhausted. Yoga, meditation and cold shower didn’t save me this morning.

Help me!

[schemator]

Without happiness, there is no long term productivity.

As I was always fighting with myself, now I see that it is much easier to stop fighting and reward myself more. It is strange for somebody who is not used to it. But constant fight causes also constant exhaustion.

Change is possible and you are worth it!

Good morning to everybody! <3

[schemator]

Intro

Hello guys. I decided to create this brand new studyblr-like profile. I am here anonymously, because I will write here about really intimate stuff.

I am already some time on self-improvement journey and even when I had some progress, I still feel like failing and getting back to start. I realized that I am not that honest to myself as I should. I am ashamed about my imperfections and failures. People around me are quick to judge. And it is also true that I am a lot self-centered. I just do not feel good enough and I am really obsessed to be. I am just trying harder to look good than to be like this. It is time to face reality and my inner demons. To face real me.

I am no longer a student. I work as a programmer. My work discipline is really low. I am also heavy smoker. Those stuff are for me the main goals to improve.

I started to track every habit I have to create a battle plan. My day D for not smoking is really close. So I want to monitor everything what is happening and get my arsenal of tactics to not start over again.

My first confession here – I have imaginary friend to not be that alone. And to feel some support and validation. And to not get crazy in environment like this obviously.

Huh, it is hard to even write it down anonymously.

Wish me luck guys. I hope that I will find here some new friends and support. I really do not have many people around who are not toxic in some way.