poems from my notes app

lawsen - https://schmool.cool

[schmoolcool]

wave patterns

maybe the sea shells fascinate us with death

maybe there’s something to be said for

the creepy hallows

and eerie stillness

of marine ghosts

reduced to a wonder

which still echoes within

chambers of the conch shell

a vibration for the universe to feel

of creating something out of nothing

from the waves within

[schmoolcool]

it’s right here, don’t you see?

the meaning of life is to live

it’s always been this literal

you just need a different lens

to find a new perspective

life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows

this doesn’t mean they’re not there

enjoy the world while it lasts

your life is yours to explore

[schmoolcool]

god was nowhere to be found

in the fabric on the universe

all i found was myself

then the world began

to show me the rest

[schmoolcool]

so you want to be a physicist

— a love letter to academia, discovering geology, and understanding the universe

you’re good at math growing up

you’re good with computers

you’re a quick learner and you love school

surely this kid will be a doctor or an engineer

so you learn the path to success is math

the world is physics, it’s computers, it’s math

these are the tools to understand the world

you fall in love with astronomy

the perfect level of complexity and exploration of the universe

with unknowns waiting to be discovered

you struggle through calculus and physics classes to ace them

you learn the key to success is dedication and determination

not able to take the astronomy classes you’ve waited for

because you couldn’t pass calc 2

you begin to realize all the ways this dream was not destined for you

you were not born to be an astrophysicist

and it’ll take time to learn that’s okay

you’ve stuffed yourself into this box over years

without even knowing it

a path of stem and rigor you can’t compete in

the key to understanding the world was nowhere to be found in word problems

or solving equations you barely understand

you developed a scope of the world so profound

trying to shoot for the stars looking for clues

thinking the answer was in the formation of the universe

you didn’t realize it was right below your feet all along

you grew up in the ultra processed age

where the world around you and food on your plate

with a digital world at your fingertips

all seemed fake

the sidewalks were fake, the grass was fake

or at least nothing natural for the eye to see

the animals were real, but almost as confused as you

if not more, of the world that’s been built around them

you outgrew your fear of the woods and found peace among the trees

you realize the gift of lived experiences

you grew up with habits frowned upon and preached to break the cycle

you began to see the beauty of familiarity over novelty

a double edged sword in an otherwise blunt circular cycle

you were learning everyone is a product of their habits

how environments shape people, for better or for worse

and the habits of which shape the world into its natural beauty

you realize your gift of pattern recognition

you started looking at the details in life

and grew a knack for finding four leaf clovers

a skill you gained from growing up by the beach

after years of shark teeth hunting you found meditation in

then the clovers kept coming

you start to see luck as its own force of the universe

because 11 clovers doesn’t happen by chance

you realize luck finds you by choice

i’ve dealt with adhd, ptsd, and ocd for going on a decade now

yet didn’t realize the true implications of these illnesses until college

i stayed in treatment programs until i couldn’t afford to anymore

an accounts of time and money

i’ve worked and worked

reaching burnout more times than i can count

but time and money are never enough

no matter how hard i try

and somehow, i make it work

i took a planetary geology class last spring

which would change my trajectory in ways

unbeknownst and unfathomable to me

this fall i took more geology classes

hoping to specialize in planetary science

i was applying what i learned in class to what i knew about other planets

to frame my understanding of the universe

when i fell in love with my earth materials professor

his class, his teaching philosophies, his lived experiences, his profession and expertise

he’s taught me everything i know about geology and petrology

and reignited a curiosity i didn’t know i still had within me

i was applying what i learned in class to the world around me

when i picked up a rock by an uprooted tree in the dead of night

and felt myself come alive again

i wrote, and wrote, and wrote and wrote

bustling with questions, fueled by a roaring hunger of wonder for the natural world

now that i wield the skills to understand

and the inspiration to explore

i found where my strengths meet my interests

spending hours in lab staring down the microscope

zooming in to the minute world around me

pattern recognition had never been so handy

things were coming easy to me, with a fair amount of rigor

i had an outlet to question the world

to ask questions about questions

and keep asking questions

i found myself surrounded by likeminded people

kindred spirits with the same innate curiosity for their surroundings

i realized i was always interested in history

but not the one taught in textbooks about humans

the history of Earth and life as we know it

a lifelong question to know how atoms arrange themselves in space

biology made sense, but bugs creeped me out and i had no interest in medicine

chemistry and basic physics made sense, but something was missing

geology made sense, yet was full of misconceptions i hadn’t realized

my final frontier to making sense of the universe

a fundamental understanding i couldn’t name

until handed the lens to see it for myself

i was taken back to my first rock collection

a mcdonald’s cup stuffed under my bed

from my parents whom frowned upon collecting things as to not encourage hoarding

i was taken back to my early education

where i was taught to question the world around me

provided the tools to explore my curiosities

and the space to wonder

i found my love for learning again

i saw the interdisciplinary importance within academia

of collaboration and asking questions about how the world works

for everyone to understand more

i see the world as a means to discover

to question, to learn from, to appreciate, to explore

this year i found beauty

in taking things slow

in aging and growing old

in becoming your habits

in understanding the universe

in the natural world around us

i was born to question and discover

an inherent nature buried so deep within

it would take a decade to find again

until leading me back to myself

on a sleepless night in november

there’s always more to learn about a rock by asking new questions from different perspectives

this was my first geology lesson

so no, you don’t have to be a physicist

to make sense of the world

my missing link to understanding the universe

was right in front of me this whole time

and dare i say it’s nice recognizing the guy in the mirror again

[schmoolcool]

untitled - sept 2025

i’ve been working as a barback for 2 months

at a very fine restaurant as my first job

i learned today our “busy season”—

a season ever so daunting

on the horizon just haunting—

is around holidays; thanksgiving, christmas

which didn’t make sense at first.

later today i’ve realized the beauty in that

family and friends gathering together

showing relatives around the city

friends with friends also in town

meeting up at their favorite restaurant

friends going out looking for love

at places where the scenery is filled with it

friends reuniting with old friends

running back the bars of their golden years

and what a beauty that is

to relive.

not long ago at work, it was quite a busy night

my first busy night, and i handled it well

another man had a busy night,

a man proposing to his newfound-wife

i pieced this together as i watch

my manager walk to the back of the rooftop

looking over a grand river on

a night with perfect weather

heading to a table behind a red velvet rope

holding two champagnes and a diamond ring

with live music playing, and people dancing

as the crowd goes quiet when they see a ring

and what a beauty that is

to love.

and just today on the rooftop,

on another night with perfect weather

on a night so serene

another manager asked for an order

to make it to go, after a man realized

his girlfriend was breaking up with him

and it was time to leave

but what a beauty that is

to experience.

to watch love grow and fall apart

to watch friends rekindle love.

all while i’m washing glasses

watching through a little window

passing food and empty drinks

i can’t see the riverine skyline most nights

but when im waiting in the elevator to

go to the stock room in the restaurant

on a slow trip nine floors down

i can’t help but imagine my future

and the impressions im making

on everyone around me

and what a beauty that is

to live,

to experience.

to love.

to relive.

c’est la vie.

[schmoolcool]

untitled - oct 2025

you’re my guiding star

after all this time, somehow

it’s still all for you

[schmoolcool]

ichetucknee - aug 2025

i trust some day

the poems and rhymes

will come rushing back

fierce as a roaring river

until then

i’ll swim with the stream

ride the waves

and welcome better days

[schmoolcool]

lamplighter - jul 2022

i left with the notion of i always come back. i've since realized i don't have to. it's okay if i don't go back.

i can't tell what's self-inflicted and what's not in my head. i've been gone far too long to tell dreams from realities.

i don't know why i let you treat me this way. i'm compelled to love you, i don't know why either.

it got lonely being one trapped in these bodies. where all your friends were just like you, except me.

i did you so much harm, i'll never forgive myself. i'll always know it was me, even if you don't remember.

was this ever a home? was this ever a place, where i didn't feel guilty taking up space?

i'm not waiting on anyone else besides taking time for myself, for however long i need to heal. it's okay to heal.

[schmoolcool]

untitled #10 (unfinished) - jul 2022

but with you i feel fine but with you i feel safe but with you i won’t tell i don’t want to lose my place

[schmoolcool]

untitled #9 (unfinished) - edited jul 2022

all in the end things work out

it makes me feel like i’m being pulled apart and put together left behind and finishing this race all at one time

[schmoolcool]

untitled #8 (unfinished) - edited jul 2022

you preach for us to love one another but don’t let us love each other because our capacities of love are measured by the imperial system

[schmoolcool]

untitled #7 (unfinished) - jun 2022

i had a dream something about a bird but i'll never know what it was because he flew away

[schmoolcool]

untitled #6 - sep 2021

one plus one does not equal two.

at the dawn of time when stars aligned, electric love became our divine.

no other math could be true when the sum is us, together in tune.

for three years going on another until year four, to make it even better.

one and one made sense of everything in all the ways two never could.

[schmoolcool]

solving puzzles - jun 2021

i always made effort for you, not realizing the effort i didn’t get back.

you were necessity; my water, i needed you but you drowned me.

because to you i was convenience wrapped around your finger. it didn’t matter what you did, i always believed you.

all the signs were there, but no one would listen to piece the puzzle together & i had to do it myself.

then i learned how to swim by opening my ears & focusing my eyes on what was true, not what i wanted to be true, even if it was a little too late;

three years late. five years overdue & finally i learned how to solve puzzles:

i’m moving on.

[schmoolcool]

untitled #5 (unfinished) - may 2021

i stay busy so i can feel something whatever you do, don't stop moving

[schmoolcool]

untitled #4 - jan 2021

another year goes by, & we’re still together. another text, another call; another date, another fall. another year goes by, & i can be myself with you. no more indirect story notes or sending coded love quotes. another year goes by, & one more closer to forever.

thank you akuma, for being the bridge i needed between what i wanted to say and learning now to say it. thank you akuma, for helping me reach comfort i couldn’t reach by myself, & the people who helped me get there. thank you akuma, for what happens next because 2020 was a bitch & i don’t know what exactly to expect.

so as another year goes by, thank you akuma. happy new years ♡

[schmoolcool]

untitled #3 - sep 2020

everything aligned the day we met; it’s written in the stars. in our favor ever since, mercury and venus were always on our side. ”i love you like the stars above, and i’ll love you til i die.” -shakespeare