primarily a Science Bros, Boyfriends, Husbands, DADS! personal blog very insecure, rants at random, gray-asexual hopeless romantic, depression fighter/survivor, fluff writer, favors mild-mannered Bruce Banner, favors bottom!Bruce Banner/versatility-preferring!Bruce Banner, believes in a world where Bruce was always a coded gay character, believes in monogamous!Tony, anti BruceNat
So I did some digging and it seems we don’t have a science bros big bang for a few years now?
It’s a bit sad and I wish there was one so… I thought! Let’s organize one again. But before I let that idea run wild, artists and writers of this fandom, would anyone be even interested in this?
One of your preferences is versatility-preferring!Bruce?! God bless your soul. <3 (I never see people wanting anyone vers, and I ship most ships that way, but some characters more than others and Bruce is one of them, though I agree with bottom leaning too) sorry if this is weird! I just felt heard and validated :)
OMG no this isn’t weird at all! Not to me, anyways. The fact that you feel heard and validated just...warms me through and through. It’s actually one of the main reasons I put it in my info to begin with, just in case anyone out there needed it the same way I know I definitely have needed it (that and to warn people up front what they’re getting with me lol). I’m like, so so so so happy that there are others out there who feel this. I too ship most ships as vers and it can be so frustrating when fandom divides into the top vs. bottom factions, but like you said especially with characters that really feel to me like they would be vers. Personally speaking, I just have a really hard time with the idea of Bruce Banner being an exclusive top*, with or without Hulk in the picture (and, then if I go further, I imagine him leaning towards bottom if he had to make a choice).
*Obviously if anyone reading this ships exclusive top Bruce, it’s cool. We cool. Do your thing.
I’ve been kind of disconnected from the fandom so this may have already been done/mentioned (if so lmk pls), but I was thinking (read: crying, hurting, tw: trying not to kms and sadly I mean this far too literally) today over “I love you 3000″
And idk now I want an AU where Morgan turns out to have some kind of psychic super power (great way to bring in Mutants now that Disney owns Fox perhaps) and 3000 was referring to either the year 3000 or maybe even Earth-3000. So like, Morgan starts to figure it out that she has this power and she realizes that when Tony “died” what actually happened was his soul was transferred to that alternate time and/or timeline and nobody believes her at first except for Peter and then they try to convince others that he’s still out there somewhere.
(And I feel like there actually was a character in Marvel comics whose consciousness was somehow transferred/trapped in another timeline’s version of themselves, like I wanna say it was maybe even one of the many iterations of Bucky?? and they are somehow aware? Like I might be crazy and thinking of something else, but I feel like this was a thing, or something plausibly similar, so if that’s so, there’s canonical basis for this being a thing that could happen.)
Also on the topic of Endgame. Can we collectively agree it never happened? Or if it did, Tony survives, and he and Bruce get matching robot arms (Bucky makes so much fun of them) and they live at the lake with their daughter Morgan and two sons Peter and Harley, and a very alive Natasha visits them sometimes with Clint also very alive Coulson and the rest of the team. And everyone is alive. Even JARVIS. (I'm not in denial.)
Omg. Yes. Please let’s all agree it never happened. Tbh though everything about what you just said is giving me ideas of what my perfect PHASE 3 AU would look like. Like, there would be no films inherently canon post-TWS. Some films and characters can come join the party in their own way (e.g. nolongerbrainwashed!Bucky, T’Challa, Shuri, Peter, Carol, etc.), but just a universe where Bruce and Tony get together and live at the lake (which omg has always always always been one of my favorite head canons for them???? and I’ve been trying to work it into my stories for ages), with their daughter, Harley, and then Peter. And Natasha definitely comes and visits them because she loves her niece and wants to make sure the two idiots are raising her to be a badass. And YES Coulson is still alive and they all KNOW he’s still alive. And ofc JARVIS is still JARVIS. Like. I WANT THIS SO MUCH.
One reason that I am so passionate about aromantic and asexual people being included in discussions about the queer community is because we are so few in number.
It is so gosh darn difficult to find other ace and aro people irl. We’re a small community that mostly connects through the internet because we are a small percentage of the population and not that many people know about us yet. So, most of the support we get irl is from gay, bi/pan, and trans people. Not other ace and aro people.
I have two irl asexual friends now, but for the first six years I was out as ace I had none. Maybe an online person here or there, but no physical presence. Nobody to eat lunch with or vent to or hug when things got bad. Instead, the support I got was from my gay and bi friends. They supported me, and I supported them in return. The very first person I ever came out as asexual to was a gay guy I was friends with at the time.
He was there for me and I was there for him in return. He was relieved to find out I was ace actually, because that made me another queer person he could talk to. And soon after I connected with several bi and pan people at my high school. We were able to stand up for each other, get things done, relate to each other.
Including ace and aro people in the queer community means giving ace and aro people a support system. A safe space. An opportunity to relate and be related to. To love and be loved. To protect and be protected. When you’re already included by default it’s easy to sit in your leather wing backed chair in your ivory tower and say “Well these people should just form their own community.” but in reality that just doesn’t work.
Ace and aro people will always have their own community, yes. But also lesbians will have their own community. Trans people will have their own community. Gay men will have their own community, bi people, pan people, non binary people, the list goes on. But all the people in those communities can form one super group that relates, that supports each other. That unites under the umbrella of “not totally cis and hetero at the same time”.
It’s a support system that ace and aro people desperately need. We have bad and good experiences because of our orientation, many of which other queer people can relate to. We see the rest of the community and go “Same hat!!!” and feel a little less alone. And yeah. That includes heteroromantic aces and heterosexual aros. They need that support too, because believe it or not, heteronormative society isn’t kind to them either. They understand a lot more than you think. They’re not trying to join because it’s trendy. They get that same hat feeling just like you and I.
Don’t be rude in the notes please. I won’t be debating.
Tony Stark isn't dead! After all this time RDJ is revealing to us that he is in fact the real Tony Stark and he's crossed over all of the timelines and universes to come save us.
• There’s a + for a reason, and that is including minorities other than the big 4
• They’re ways to experience sexuality and romance that are different from “the norm”
• The LGBT+ community is not meant to be a battle of “who will be the most oppressed” but to bring together people who do not fit “the norm”, which means that even if you think asexuals/aromantics are not oppressed, it’s no reason for them not to be welcome in the community
• By the way, even if they’re not as openly oppressed as other identities, they are widly not accepted and suffer from the same rejections other misunderstood identities do. That, and corrective rape.
• If you think they’re not legitimate identities it’s that you don’t understand what these labels really mean, which doesn’t make you much better than the usual Straight™ some of you loathe
• Maybe if you didn’t loathe straight people so much you wouldn’t be quite as scared that a ~meanie~ heteroromantic may relate to your experience in their own way
Repeat after me,
• The LGBT+ community is not meant to be a battle of “who will be the most oppressed” but to bring together people who do not fit “the norm”
everyone’s got that couple of fanfics that you just read over and over even though you practically know it by heart because it’s so perfect it’s like a favorite book and you just catch yourself clicking to a random chapter on it because it’s so good it’s comforting to reread it
A Lovely Outing by SpangleBangle is fairly short and I’m pretty sure I’ve read it more times than any other fic. It just makes me feel warm and fuzzy to read, idek why. It’s the only Marvel fic the author ever wrote. And I just love it so much.
YO!!!!! I’ve been having such a very very very hard time lately with writing and feeling like there’s no point and nobody cares about science boyfriends anymore or at least not enough to care if I contribute anything more/finish stuff (and feeling like Endgame destroyed all possible happiness, how can I write fluff when half of my OTP is gone gone gone and right after he was finally an official daddy on top of it which is like,,,,half of all I've ever wanted for him...*deep breath*).
So I’m rising from the ashes thanks to this shoutout to say you have made me smile and feel a little less hopeless. Thank you so much <3 Like I said I’ve been struggling, but if you have an extra special prompt hit me up so I can try writing you something - if not I’ll still probably dedicate whatever I piece I post next to you - if I manage to finish it.
- i’m socially exhausted
- i don’t have the time right now
- i don’t know how to reply
- i have a bad memory and got distracted
- i’m having a depressive episode and don’t have the energy to socialise
not reasons i haven’t replied back:
- i’m ignoring you just because
- i hate you
- i’m fed up with you
- i don’t want to be your friend anymore
That really helps! I mean, I actually thought Steve was 17 at the beginning of Lucky thirteen and I figure there are still some stuff I simply havent read yet (im only about halfway through lucky thirteen) but it can be confusing sometimes 😂 Honestly kudos to you for somehow wrangling it all while writing, you are a master, and you seem to have figured out a GREAT way to deal with Thor
Okay! Glad that it does! I obviously had a difficult time keeping all of the ages straight, or at least sticking to the ages once I did lol, so I’m not the least bit surprised at it being confusing for anyone not able to pull up the chart like I can. Hopefully now it’s less confusing and that it makes the reading process more enjoyable. Speaking of, I hope you enjoy the rest of the story!
ALSO HELLO PS I AM YOUR BIGGEST FAN AND YOUR AO3 HAS BEEN MY NEW HOME FOR A FEW WEEKS NOW
EEP! Thank you! That means so so so much to me. I’m kind of a broken record when it comes to saying thank you because it really does blow my mind when somebody enjoys my work! I’m mostly just super happy that you’re enjoying your stay at my humble ao3 abode!
Hey, I was wondering if you have a chart/summary somewhere with kids from Yours. Mine. Ours. like to show age, parent, etc?
I have one that I’ve used personally to keep the timeline as straight as possible that I can share quickly here.
By doing this I will be giving away one very big secret gaff that I made in the writing process: Thor is the one who got away from me. So let me explain…
When I first started writing, he and Steve were going to be nearly the same age and both seniors - Thor was just a little older when he was adopted compared to Steve. But half way through writing I liked the idea of Steve being the lone senior (alongside Sam of course) and completely forgot why that would throw everything out of balance if I went back and made Thor’s birthday different…oops.
So, here’s a tiny spoiler from the WIP multi chapter sequel: I figured the only way to kind of retcon it into making any sense - without needing to go through and change various dates that would break everything - was to use school cut off dates. Some states/districts have weird grade cut off dates*, which is already something I used to explain Natasha being a grade younger than she would have been in the first story. So, in the case of Thor, I decided the cut off date for him versus Steve would have prevented them from being in the same grade even if they are technically the same age during the school year (and even though he’s technically older than Sam). I felt a little justified in doing so based on a personal experience of my own in high school; one of my best friend’s birthday was literally two days after the cut off (which was still during summer break) and so she was older than most of us - especially those of us whose birthdays fell on the latter end (e.g. two days BEFORE the cut off date) and so she was the same age as most of the people a grade higher than us and on the flip side of that, another friend transferred from another state and was almost a year younger than most of us because of the cut-off dates from his old school.
*That said, I definitely played fast and loose with the cut off dates. I DID make an attempt to go back through a bunch of Dept. of Education archives to get an idea for what the average cut off date for students were during the year and in the state I imagined each kid starting school for the Banner clan, but some were impossible to find and some were best guesses based on later years that I found soooooo please nobody @ me if they see something completely inaccurate. I mean, I figured it’s still fiction so I had a little room to fudge things as necessary :3
Okay, sorry for the long preface. Here is the chart that I use, that includes all of the kids plus Sam in descending order with their DOB, age at the start of the first story, at the end of the first story, and then updated as I progress the timeline in the series so in this case as of The Happiest Family On Earth. I also went ahead and added a row indicating which kid belongs to which dad. If you have any further queries lmk! I love talking about the BTS stuff of my fics.
Hey, I was wondering if you have a chart/summary somewhere with kids from Yours. Mine. Ours. like to show age, parent, etc?
I have one that I’ve used personally to keep the timeline as straight as possible that I can share quickly here.
By doing this I will be giving away one very big secret gaff that I made in the writing process: Thor is the one who got away from me. So let me explain…
When I first started writing, he and Steve were going to be nearly the same age and both seniors - Thor was just a little older when he was adopted compared to Steve. But half way through writing I liked the idea of Steve being the lone senior (alongside Sam of course) and completely forgot why that would throw everything out of balance if I went back and made Thor’s birthday different…oops.
So, here’s a tiny spoiler from the WIP multi chapter sequel: I figured the only way to kind of retcon it into making any sense - without needing to go through and change various dates that would break everything - was to use school cut off dates. Some states/districts have weird grade cut off dates*, which is already something I used to explain Natasha being a grade younger than she would have been in the first story. So, in the case of Thor, I decided the cut off date for him versus Steve would have prevented them from being in the same grade even if they are technically the same age during the school year (and even though he’s technically older than Sam). I felt a little justified in doing so based on a personal experience of my own in high school; one of my best friend’s birthday was literally two days after the cut off (which was still during summer break) and so she was older than most of us - especially those of us whose birthdays fell on the latter end (e.g. two days BEFORE the cut off date) and so she was the same age as most of the people a grade higher than us and on the flip side of that, another friend transferred from another state and was almost a year younger than most of us because of the cut-off dates from his old school.
*That said, I definitely played fast and loose with the cut off dates. I DID make an attempt to go back through a bunch of Dept. of Education archives to get an idea for what the average cut off date for students were during the year and in the state I imagined each kid starting school for the Banner clan, but some were impossible to find and some were best guesses based on later years that I found soooooo please nobody @ me if they see something completely inaccurate. I mean, I figured it’s still fiction so I had a little room to fudge things as necessary :3
Okay, sorry for the long preface. Here is the chart that I use, that includes all of the kids plus Sam in descending order with their DOB, age at the start of the first story, at the end of the first story, and then updated as I progress the timeline in the series so in this case as of The Happiest Family On Earth. I also went ahead and added a row indicating which kid belongs to which dad. If you have any further queries lmk! I love talking about the BTS stuff of my fics.
• Unfriendly reminder that Wanda Maximoff MANIPULATED a man suffering from SEVERE PTSD into doing something horrible which HE was blamed for while NO ONE on his “team” defended him.
• Unfriendly reminder that Steve Rogers knew about the MURDER of Tony Stark’s parents and withheld the information.
• Unfriendly reminder that Steve did this and had the nerve to chastise Tony about KEEPING FUCKING SECRETS.
• Unfriendly reminder that Steve thought he knew better than 117 COUNTRIES, and decided to do what the fuck he wanted.
• Unfriendly reminder that Tony tried to COMPROMISE with Steve and he couldn’t meet him in the middle.
• Unfriendly reminder that his “team” couldn’t trust him even after he had literally risked his life for them TWICE.
• Unfriendly reminder that Natasha BETRAYED Tony even after she called in the Black Panther whom she knew would attack Bucky whereas Tony only called for backup that he knew wouldn’t react violently unless it was needed.
• Unfriendly reminder that people say that Tony (again, a man who suffers from SEVERE PTSD) overreacted after watching the man standing next to him (who is absolutely a victim, but his hands still committed those crimes) MURDER his parents in cold blood, and a man that he considered his friend KNEW about it to protect HIMSELF and his friend.
• Unfriendly reminder that all Tony got after the War was a SHIT TON of problems with the government and a CONDESCENDING letter from the same man who hurt him incredibly both physically and emotionally basically telling him “i’m sorry that you don’t understand that I was right”.
• Unfriendly reminder that Tony was BLAMED for the paralysis his BEST FRIEND now suffers by a man whom Tony had done A LOT for.
• Unfriendly reminded that Tony fucking Stark is treated so horribly in this fandom and he doesn’t deserve it.
THERE IS NO WAY ANYONE CAN TELL ME THAT TONY FUCKING FUTURIST STARK DIDN’T PROGRAM THE ORIGINAL ULTRON WITH ASIMOV’S 3 LAWS. THERE IS LITERALLY NO WAY IN FUCKING HELL AN ENGINEER AND GENIUS (REMEMBER JARVIS? HIS OTHER AI? HELLLLLO) DIDN’T THINK, OH, HEY, FAIL SAFES, PRIME DIRECTIVES, ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING TO PROTECT EARTH BECAUSE *THAT’S WHAT ULTRON WAS FUCKING FOR IN THE FIRST GODDAMN PLACE* AND YOU’RE TELLING ME HE JUST WENT, OPPS, HERE, HAVE AN INCOMPLETE TOOL THAT HAS THE ABILITY TO WIPE OUT ALL OF HUMANITY. OPPS. I don’t fucking think so. His RnD department would have revolted. I’m sure THEY’VE all read the same sci-fi books I have. No way Ultron was made and let go without Asimov’s 3, or even just general safety measures in place. And I would dearly, DEARLY love to have a fic where Tony’s RnD department overhear some of the Avengers giving Tony shit about Ultron or something and then deciding, NOPE FUCK THIS NOISE, THESE ASSHOLES JUST INSINUATED BOSS IS STUPID, UNLEASH THE KRAKON ON THESE FUCKERS, please and thank you.
What To Expect When You're Not Expecting (5598 words) by agentsimmons
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Bruce Banner/Tony Stark
Characters: Bruce Banner, Tony Stark, Jarvis (Iron Man movies), Clint Barton, Natasha Romanov, Pepper Potts, Thor (Marvel), Steve Rogers
Additional Tags: Crack, Fluff and Crack, Mpreg, Not Really Mpreg, Sorry Not Sorry, Trolling, Troll Tony Stark, Troll Bruce Banner, BAMF Bruce Banner, BAMF Tony Stark, Idiots in Love, Science Boyfriends, Science Idiots more like it, Sneaky Jarvis (Iron Man movies), BAMF JARVIS, How Do I Tag, The Author Regrets Nothing, The Election Made Me Do It, Tongue-in-cheek, Pranks and Practical Jokes
Summary:
Everybody's getting damn tired of Tony's pranks.
Bruce was in his personal lab, engrossed by his ongoing study of some samples they'd collected from the aliens they'd battled about five weeks before. He moved his head up from his microscope and went to make a note only to find his pen out of ink. He sighed and scanned around for another. Not finding one he turned to look for one on another workbench. Getting up and taking a few steps across the room he startled to a stop. On the other side of the glass door to his lab, standing in the foyer between it and the elevator and stairs, were his teammates and Pepper. The only person missing was Tony and given the foreboding body language Bruce had a fairly good hunch that the engineer was the reason for the mob.
"Uh, JARVIS," Bruce said, although he really didn't want to, "let them in." The door opened automatically and they all moved into lab, indeed like a mob. "How long have you all been out there?" He looked them over carefully.
"This has to stop," Steve said without segue, giving him no answer.
"My holing up in a lab?" Bruce asked with a small, disbelieving laugh. "Wait, did Tony put you up to this? Is this his not-so-subtle tactic of telling me I'm not paying enough attention to him again?"
"First of all, how the hell would he be able to even think that?" Clint asked with raised eyebrows. "You two would figure out a way to conjoin yourselves at the hip if it wouldn't get in the way of fucking."
"Not fair," Bruce protested, even-toned. "We also spend a healthy amount of our physical intimacy just kissing and cuddling." There were several groans and Bruce had to admit Tony was rubbing off on him because he liked teasing them all, albeit more subtly.
"Second of all," Natasha took over, "this is about that idiot of yours pranking us every chance he gets. I nearly sprained my ankle yesterday."
"Aye," Thor chimed in. "He's becoming as bad as Loki to the point I fear my brother is somehow the cause of his behavior."
"Okay," Bruce blinked several times, "let's not get carried away. Sure, Tony's antics lack…"
"The word you're looking for is maturity," Pepper supplied.
"But he's far from being the god of mischief that tries to take over a planet." He gives Thor a sharp, dubious glance.
"Agreed," Steve interjected. "But it's still becoming a serious problem."
Bruce sighed. He knew they were right but… "What do you expect me to do about it?" They all crossed their arms in sync, giving variations of incredulity, and he snorted in surprise. "What? I'm serious." He shook his head. "I'm Tony's boyfriend, not his babysitter." He considered that for a minute. "Well, not when it comes to this anyway," he corrected as he turned back toward his samples to at least put them up before they spoiled. "And you should know by now saying 'No, Tony' is about as effective as telling a cat to fetch, regardless of one's relationship with the man."
"So then put your foot down," Clint demanded. "Threaten to break up with him if—"
"Excuse me?" Bruce whipped back around quickly. "I'm not even remotely interested in breaking up with him over this so I'm not going to threaten him like I am. I like my boyfriend very much, thanks."
Natasha and Pepper looked at one another and then back. "Withhold," one said while the other said, "So you withhold."
Bruce's mouth fell open and he coughed on air. "That…" He cleared his throat and his cheeks burned. "I'm not withholding sex."
"God, you're just as insatiable as he is," Clint grumbled.
"Again," Bruce said firmly. "I'm not put out by his pranks so why would I…" refuse to put out, the voice in his head that sounded suspiciously like Tony finished the pun, but he ignored it, "deny myself something I enjoy?"
"You know, you're not really the altruistic saint Tony is always saying you are," Pepper accused.
"Never claimed to be," Bruce said with a shrug as he finally put away the alien spore samples.
"Look, Bruce, there's got to be something you can do," Steve appealed to him.
"The thing with Tony is you can't just tell him no," Bruce said, as he moved to a sink to wash his hands. "I know it's frustrating sometimes, but it's also a good trait. He's stubborn and determined. If he wasn't, he wouldn't be Iron Man."
"Please, spare us the sappy spiel about why you're hopelessly in love with him," Clint remarked.
Bruce froze. Then he recovered, drying his hands and turning back around. "The point is Tony has to come to his own conclusion that it's within his best interest not to do a thing or that doing said thing will bring him no pleasure whatsoever. So, as long as he takes pleasure in messing with you guys, he's not going to stop."
"Once on Asgard the Warriors Three and I attempted to put an end to Loki's mischief by turning the tables on him. It... did not go well," Thor said in a considering tone. "But perhaps it would work better in this situation."
"So we prank Tony?" Pepper interpreted in a skeptical tone. "Have you met him? JARVIS is probably relaying this whole conversation to him now as we speak."
"He's not," Bruce defended the AI, and Tony who wasn't a spy.
"Thank you, sir. So long as Mr. Stark would not be endangered by the prank, I would have no need to interfere."
"Okay, so what do we do?" Steve was the one to ask, surprisingly. When they all looked at him he shrugged. "I'm very tired and if this works, then we'll just call it team building."
Bruce snorted and moved back over to his workstation to jot down the observation he'd forgotten to earlier, snagging a pen on the way, while they all brainstormed behind him. Upon finishing he closed the notebook and shook his head.
"No," he said, "you're thinking all wrong." He turned back and looked at his teammates again. "You're thinking silly gags that will just egg Tony on more. You've got to make it big and," he weighed his head from side to side, "well, traumatizing enough to put him off of wanting to play with fire."
They all stared at him somewhat disbelieving. "Traumatizing?" Steve voiced his concern.
"Not anything that would harm him," Bruce warned quickly. "But it's got to be elaborate. You have to make sure he doesn't even realize it's a prank for a while. It's essentially going to take psychological warfare."
"Damn, doc," Clint muttered.
"I like the sound of this." Natasha's lips quirked upward and she glanced at Pepper.
"Me too," the CEO agreed with a sharp smile. "As much as I've put up with Tony over the years he deserves some just desserts." She looked at him. "What would you suggest."
"Honestly?" He wracked his brain. "Nothing that wouldn't be triggering or would break him, since I want to still be able to laugh about this when it's all said and done. But it still has to be something that would really get him worked up. God, I'm such a horrible boyfriend," he then said with a huff of laugh. "He hasn't done anything to me and here I am—"
"What do you mean he hasn't done anything to you?" Clint protested. "Who do you think's responsible for the Sherlock incident?"
Bruce's eyes widened. "DAMMIT, TONY," he yelled at the ceiling, knowing he couldn't hear but not caring, "FOR THE LAST TIME I DON'T WANT CUMBERBATCH'S COCK UP MY ASS!! Jealous bastard," he mumbled and paced.
"I'm not sure there's an appropriate response for this disturbing turn of events," Clint commented.
"Is this not one of those moments we would say 'that escalated quickly'?" Thor asked.
"Bruce?" Steve's tone was wary.
"Pepper," Bruce stopped pacing, "you've known him longest. What's something Tony's afraid of that doesn't involve any of his triggers?"
"Board meetings, but he always finds a way out of them." She shrugged.
"A condom breaking?" Natasha sniggered and Pepper and Clint joined her. Bruce's eyebrows shot up.
"Yeah," Clint agreed, "but that's never going to work now that he's exclusively with Bruce."
"Actually, it just might," Bruce thought out loud.
"Not sure that's how biology works, doc," Natasha said.
"Um, Bruce, what are you thinking?" Steve questioned.
Bruce slowly smiled as the gears turned inside his head.
"That is a look of mischief if ever I saw one," Thor stated ominously.
"Hey—" Tony came into the bathroom, but stopped abruptly when he realized Bruce had quickly thrown something away and was looking at him like a kid with his hand caught in the cookie jar. "Babe? You okay?" he asked slowly.
"Uh," Bruce blinked a few times and then nodded, "yeah. Yeah, I think so. It's, you know, just the..."
Tony narrowed his eyes. "The upset stomach again?"
"Yeah," he answered with a sigh and moved to the sink to wash his hands.
"Well, if this virus is effecting you it'd probably do a number on me," Tony said, still suspicious. "Maybe you should sleep on the couch."
It was a joke of course, but Bruce looked up at him in the mirror with an expression that would make anyone think he'd just been told his dog had been run over. Then like Hyde back to Jekyll – or maybe it was Jekyll to Hyde? – Bruce's face became neutral then stern. "Okay."
"Hey, no, no," Tony turned him round into his arms before he could storm out of the bathroom. "I was seriously kidding. Why would you think I wasn't kidding? Worst case scenario, I get a sexy nurse to take care of me."
"You hate medical professionals."
"I meant you," Tony clarified, although Bruce was usually sharper than this. "Maybe you should go lie down or something."
"No, I'm fine," Bruce insisted. "Just, gonna go get some water and maybe visit with Natasha for a little bit."
"Okay..." Tony narrowed his eyes again. "Well, have fun. But first, did you just—" he nodded toward the toilet.
"Hmm? Oh, no, not this time. I—" Tony cut that thought off with a kiss.
When he pulled back, Bruce smiled and then hugged him tight. Tony hugged him back, naturally, but he still wasn't sure what exactly was going on. Bruce seemed a little all over the place. Maybe Hulk was pushing too hard on his nerves, or trying to get out because he wasn't feeling good? Was he thinking of taking off because of it?
Tony watched him go, his nerves and concern getting the better of him and making it so he just stood there for a long moment trying to process everything. Then his eyes darted toward the trash. He didn't want to be that guy...but who was he kidding, he was that guy and Bruce probably already knew that. He was doing it out of genuine worry for him, he told himself, as he moved to the trash receptacle, nudged the release with his foot and glanced down into it.
Nothing could have prepared him for what he found inside. His eyes went wide, his stomach curdled and his hair stood on end. He was almost ninety-nine percent certain that he was looking at a pregnancy test.
"Why the hell would he have a pregnancy test? JARVIS..."
"Yes, sir?"
"Please tell me pregnancy tests are backwards and the plus sign means not pregnant." Tony let the lid close and spun around to look at nothing in particular for a moment before looking up into the mirror to gauge his physical expression.
"Sir, you do not really need me to answer this question, do you?"
Tony scowled at the AI's unwanted sass at the moment. "Kind of do, J. Because I can't think of any logical, any possible, reason for Bruce to have thrown away a positive pregnancy test."
"Sir, a plus sign is indicative of a potential pregnancy. Perhaps you should ask Dr. Banner about it. Biologically the test cannot be his personally—"
"But it can be Romanoff's." Tony put one and one together and instead of getting two, he just got seriously angry.
Angry enough to march out of the bathroom, out of the master suite, out of the apartment and then ride the elevator in stewing anger all the way down to Natasha's apartment. He pounded on the door and almost just opened it himself; maybe he'd catch them in the act if he did. Less than a minute later – which was still plenty of time to get decent if one tried hard enough, Tony was well aware – Natasha opened the door.
She narrowed one eyebrow and lifted the other. "Stark?"
"Congratulations," Tony spat through gritted teeth and pushed past her into the apartment.
"Thank you?" Natasha sounded confused, but Tony didn't care. His eyes lasered in on the man sitting innocently in an armchair and looking as confused as Natasha had sounded.
"Tony?" Bruce stood to his feet. "Are you okay?"
"Do you care?" Tony planted his feet and glared at him. Bruce's eyebrows shot up and his head jerked back on his shoulders. "You know, of all the people on this team I honestly never expected this from you."
"I..." He paled. "I can explain."
"Oh, the pregnancy test explained everything." He looked back and forth between them. "How long have you two been carrying on, huh? How long?"
"Carrying on?" Bruce furrowed his brow.
Suddenly Natasha started laughing and Tony threw his eyes in her direction like daggers, almost wishing they were. "Bruce and I are not carrying on," she said between laughs. "But you're cute when you're jealous. Bet you didn't think it was possible, did you?"
Tony's glare softened, but he was still dubious. "Really? So Bruce throws away a pregnancy test and starts acting weird and I'm supposed to believe it's not because he realizes your guys' indiscretions have bit you in the ass? What other possible explanation could there be?" He turned back and looked at Bruce, his steam running out and turning to bitter betrayal. "How could you?"
"Tony," Bruce's voice cracked and he looked genuinely distraught. He closed the space in between them and Tony flinched when Bruce touched his arm. He pulled his hand back like he'd touched fire and looked stricken. Damn it, in spite of everything Tony felt horrible for causing that expression. "Tony, it's not what you think. I swear. God, I didn't cheat on you. I couldn't do that. You know I couldn't."
"I thought that," Tony replied with a bitter laugh. "But I don't know if I can believe you. Not with the evidence."
"Tony, please," Bruce begged.
"Oh hell, I'm not pregnant, Stark," Natasha said in firm exasperation. "No matter what you think to the contrary."
"Then who's the mother, huh?" Tony stepped back from Bruce, for multiple reasons, and turned back around to face her. "What, are you going to say it's Pepper? Maybe it's some random person I don't know?"
"Maybe it's him." She crossed her arms and Tony suddenly wondered if this was a dream.
"Okay, what?"
"Maybe Bruce is the mother," Natasha repeated, not even batting an eye over the ludicrous claim.
"Am I hallucinating? Did I get stoned off my rocker?"
"Tony, I think we need to talk," Bruce said with a sigh. Tony turned to see him sit down on the couch. He glanced at Natasha beyond him. "The team—"
"Has known for a couple of days about his suspicions," Natasha interjected. Bruce gave her a sharp look and Tony glanced back and forth between them. "The other guys and I were concerned and cornered him in his lab."
"Concerned about his stomach bug?" Tony asked with a hard swallow. "You..." He looked at Bruce. "You seriously thought your stomach bug could be that? But, you're a scientist. Not some bizarre fanfiction writer."
Bruce glanced at him then at Natasha then down at his folded hands. Then he took a deep breath in and said, "Under normal circumstances, yeah, I wouldn't have questioned it. But, Tony, think back to almost seven weeks ago. You—I... Uh, we..."
"You're not seriously talking about us barebacking."
"Um."
"That seems unsafe."
Tony ignored Natasha and barreled on. "That doesn't magically change biology, Bruce."
"No, no it doesn't," Bruce agreed, nodding haphazardly. "But contact with alien spores might."
"Wait, what?"
"The alien spores. I was studying them around the same time and shortly before that... I, I may have come in contact with them." Tony's eyes widened. "I didn't think anything of it. I followed the biohazard routine and I figured my irradiated blood would handle the rest."
"Was that when you said you had the spill in the lab and didn't want to be around me for a couple of days?" Bruce nodded. "Damn it, Bruce you should have told me! I could have helped you figure out what was going on."
"And risk contamination? No way," Bruce argued back. "I monitored everything. It seemed fine. Nothing out of the ordinary. Then I started feeling sick. Obviously, I thought maybe it was the spores since I hadn't been sick in so long. But none of my tests showed anything wrong. Except for a sudden increase in my hCG levels. That only left two possibilities that I can think of, Tony. Cancer or pregnancy."
"And there's no way cancer could actually survive in your body," Tony reasoned.
"I'm still waiting for the confirmation of that. I got some lab work done with SHIELD," he explained. "But Thor doesn't seem to think it's impossible. He said several alien species have male-carriers. Maybe, maybe those spores did something. Or maybe they mixed with the irradiated blood somehow and... I don't know made it happen. Tony," he sounded a little frantic, "in light of the evidence I can't rule out the possibility that.." He sighed. "That I'm either pregnant with some alien baby or tumor or something. Or... I'm pregnant with your child."
"It could be both," Natasha said after a beat of silence. They both looked at her. "What? I mean maybe the alien spores were meant to implant him with eggs and you just came along and fertilized them. He could just be the unexpecting surrogate."
Suddenly Bruce seemed to choke on a sob and Tony looked at him. His face was in his hands and his body seemed wracked with more quiet sobs. Tony was beside him on the couch immediately.
"I'm so sorry you..." He shook his head. "I'm sorry you thought I was... I wouldn't... I should have told you sooner. I just didn't know how."
"Hey, shh," Tony soothed, "we don't know what this really is yet. It could be nothing. But whatever it is we'll get through it, okay? I'm... I'm scared to death; I won't lie to you. But I'm not going anywhere."
"Okay," Tony pecked Bruce on the lips, "I've got a meeting, but when I get back I've got a very special surprise for you." He looked at the others gathered in the common room. "And you're all invited."
"We're not interested in being party to your voyeurism," Clint said and Bruce shook his head at him.
"Stop trying to be a comedian," Tony countered. Then he glanced at Bruce with a look that told him nothing good was going to follow. "That reminds me, have you reached the horny stage yet? Please tell me we've reached that stage."
Bruce blinked. He honestly wasn't too aware of the stages of pregnancy. Was horniness even a stage? That sounded like a myth, or Tony's wishful thinking.
"Stop stalling and get to your meeting," Bruce deflected. Tony gave a put-upon sigh, but then gave him another peck on his lips and left.
"Oh what a tangled web," Clint drawled after a few moments of silence, that silence filled with four pairs of eyes looking at Bruce expectantly.
"It's such a mess," Bruce groaned. He should have ended the charade weeks ago.
"What happened, Doc?" Natasha asked. "You should have told him right after you told him the SHIELD doctor confirmed it."
"I know…" Bruce nodded. "And that was the plan. He legitimately freaked out like we wanted him too. And then… he took off in his suit. I thought about telling JARVIS to tell him, but that seemed… wrong. But when he got back it was like… he'd already cycled through the freak out and was happy."
"He has seemed very happy," Thor concurred.
"I wasn't expecting that. I… I didn't know what to do with it."
"So you did nothing," Natasha said with a judgmental shake of her head.
Bruce groaned again. "I'm a coward, okay? I've been trying to tell him, but now I'm just… I'm scared that he's legitimately excited about this and that…"
"You'll lose him?" Steve filled in the blanks in a gentle tone.
Bruce nodded "That's exactly what I didn't want to happen and here I am. Maybe I should just run."
"If you do that and he really thinks you're pregnant, that's just going to make it messier," Clint said.
"I guess the only decent solution here is for the rest of us to come clean for you," Steve said.
"What?" Clint retorted. "Why would we do that?"
"Because we pressured him into this in the first place. And you egged him on by mentioning the incident," Steve challenged. "If we hadn't come to him to help us deal with Tony none of this would have happened." Steve looked at him then. "Are you okay with that solution, Bruce?"
"Yeah, I mean. We can't sugar coat it. I messed up and I'll still need to apologize, but… yes, thank you."
With any luck Tony wouldn't break up with him.
Tony smiled wide, more than pleased by the slack-jawed expression on his teammates faces as they took in the surprise for Bruce. As for Bruce, Tony could practically feel him growing impatient from where his arm was around the other man's shoulders.
"Nobody's saying anything," Bruce said in a worried tone. "That's… not at all assuring. Can I open my eyes yet? Because you know I already don't like surprises and I'm starting to get nervous."
Tony chuckled and gave him a small squeeze before letting go and saying, "Go ahead."
"Oh." Tony smiled even wider as he saw Bruce's stunned glance around the room. "Oh my god." He looked at Tony in disbelief and then around again. "A… A nursery? But when? How…"
"I didn't have a meeting," Tony answered. "I've been up here with some designers the past few hours. By the way, mind the paint everybody."
Bruce shook his head and looked around yet again. "Oh my god."
"You don't like it?" Bruce blinked at him. "You hate it. I knew it. I knew I was being dumb. We should have done this together. I just—"
"You idiot," Bruce breathed, shaking his head and then pulled him into a fierce, sloppy kiss that left Tony a little breathless. "It's not that," he said when they broke apart, leaning his forehead against his. "It's… It's amazing." He pulled away to search Tony's eyes. "You're amazing. And I'm just…"
"Also amazing?" Tony supplied.
"I—" Bruce's breath hitched and Tony swallowed the rest in another kiss. He never passed up an opportunity to show Bruce just how amazing he thought he was.
They kissed for a long heated moment and Tony was pretty sure they were about to take it a little bit further when there was a clearing of a throat and Bruce startled back, breaking the kiss. Tony sighed, but it was just as well since there really wasn’t time for that just yet. He glanced at the team to see them studying them intently. They all wore somewhat disapproving expressions.
"Tony," Steve stepped forward, Captain mode activated given his tone and posture, "we need to talk."
"I'd love to, Cap," Tony lied, "but it's going to have to wait."
"I…" Steve glanced at Bruce and then back. "I don't think it can. Sorry."
"Well, sorry that you're sorry, but the rest of my surprise for Bruce can't wait either. And, nope, none of you are invited to this one."
"Tony…" Bruce tried instead. "Maybe you should talk to Steve. I'm sure whatever it is can wait."
Tony tilted his head and twisted his face. "Actually, it can't." He straightened it again. "I got us a pretty exclusive dinner reservation at nine."
Naturally, Bruce furrowed his brow. "It's 1:30," he pointed out.
"In Malibu," Tony finished. "Jet's scheduled to leave in about forty minutes. So, really, no time for a heart to heart with Captain America."
"In… Malibu?" Bruce didn't say anything for a few moments. Then he glanced at Steve, the other Avengers, and finally back to Tony. "Okay."
"Bruce," Steve started, but didn't go any further when Bruce looked at him.
"I'm sure whatever you have to say can wait until we get back, right?" Bruce asked.
Steve glanced around at all of them before sighing. "I'm not sure it can, but I guess it will."
Bruce watched with growing trepidation as Tony poured a drink into their champagne glasses. As it had turned out, the exclusive dinner reservation had been for a professionally prepared candlelight dinner at his Malibu mansion. Which was romantic. And made him feel even guiltier for the subterfuge.
"Don't worry. It's just sparkling water," Tony said as he set the bottle aside and handed one of the chutes to Bruce. He then moved towards the large window near the bar that overlooked the ocean. Bruce followed and stood beside him. "Wouldn't want you drinking anything that might hurt the baby."
Oh god he was a horrible human being. Because he just gave a small nod and went to take a drink. Before he could though Tony held out his own as if to make a toast and Bruce paused, furrowed his brow, and moved his glass back towards Tony's until they rested together.
The water wasn't the only thing that was sparkling. Tony's eyes were too as he ran them over Bruce's face. "To the future,"
"Whatever it brings," Bruce offered and let their glass clink together before downing the fizzy water. No sooner was the drink down, so was Tony. Oh god. Tony was on one knee. This… This wasn't happening. "Oh no. No, no, no. Get up. Don't—" His eyes widened impossibly further as Tony pulled out a ring.
"I won't," Tony stated calmly. "I can't get up, Bruce. Not until I get this out." Bruce swallowed hard. "I know our lives are a mess. I know it's foolish and a gamble to even consider it. I know neither one of us counted on this. But I love you and I want to be your husband if you'll give me that honor. Will you marry me?"
Bruce wasn't sure what to think. How… How did it come to this? Was…? Was Tony just asking him to marry him because he thought they were going to have a kid? This had gone too far. God, of course he wouldn't mind marrying Tony as truly foolish as that would be, but not like this. Not under false pretenses.
"Tony, you need to know something. Something that might make you change your mind about this. Something that… that might make you change your mind about me."
"I doubt that," Tony said calmly, and slowly stood back to his feet.
Tony's eyes were so very warm on his and Bruce almost wanted to curse evolutionary biology because if he was pregnant right now or could just get pregnant everything would be okay… and, okay, maybe Bruce was starting to lose his mind just a little in the tangled web. He needed to just blurt it out—
"Tony, I'm not pregnant." Bruce blinked when he realized Tony had said something at the same time. "Wait, what?"
"I said you're not pregnant," Tony said with a smile. That smile. That damn impish smile that crinkled his eyes with humor and…
"You knew!" Bruce practically shrieked, eyes wide and mouth hanging open. "You knew this whole time? You've just been pretending?"
Tony was laughing now, hysterically and damn it Bruce wasn't sure he was exactly happy with being strung along by Tony as he… attempted to string Tony along. So, okay, maybe he had that coming and he could find the humor in the irony.
"No. Not the whole time," Tony said around a few leftover snickers as he tried to regain his composure. He shook his head. "You seriously, one hundred percent had me there at the beginning. The alien spores? Brilliant."
"Then how'd you figure it out?" Bruce eyed him skeptically. "Did you overhear us? I know JARVIS said he wouldn't tell you unless—"
"Wasn't JARVIS," Tony confirmed. "Not entirely. Let's just say the day you went to get your," he air-quoted, "'confirmation' result and wouldn't let me go with you for support, I decided that I needed to really prepare myself for the possibility we were going to have a potential alien kid—"
"Okay, for the record you're crazy if you think I wouldn't have at least considered an abortion if we found out it was an actual alien growing in my body. And you needed to prepare? If it had been real I would have been the one having to deal with everything." Bruce wasn't sure why he was arguing about this, but it felt necessary to point out. In solidarity of women's reproductive rights and all that.
"Yeah, okay, point is I decided to read something and JARVIS suggested What to Expect When You're Expecting and it was very enlightening." Bruce raised an eyebrow. "Either you were growing our alien baby awful fast or else you were lying because you were demonstrating pregnancy symptoms you shouldn't be having already."
Bruce's eyes widened. "Damn it. Proof research is always a crucial first step, kids," he said with a laugh. "I can't believe you knew. You asshole," he said without heat. "You let me believe you were over the moon excited. I've… I've been sitting here freaking out about how to tell you. I thought you were trying to legitimize our baby!" He started laughing when he realized how clever that was and Tony laughed too.
"Well you were the one who was letting me think we'd defied the laws of biology just because of the Sherlock incident."
Bruce stopped laughing and looked at him in confusion. "How did you know that's why I did it?"
"That's where JARVIS came in. I asked him if there was any possible explanation for why you might be cycling through the stages of pregnancy symptoms so quickly and his response was… JARVIS?"
"Perhaps he had Cumberbatch's cock up his ass."
Bruce was sure his eyes couldn't get any wider and his hand flew up to his mouth, laughter spilling out through the cracks of his fingers. "JARVIS!?"
"Ladies and gentlemen," Tony said with a sharp grin, "the real troll."
"Apparently so. Oh my god." Bruce sighed deeply. "Well, at least we're both even I guess. Ignoring the Sherlock incident," he added with a playful glare.
"But not quite finished," Tony said. "I believe there's still a question on the table."
Bruce scrunched up his face. "There is?" He saw Tony reach into his pocket and his eyes widened when Tony produced the ring again. He met Tony's gaze questioningly, especially when all of Tony's previous humor was gone again and he seemed dead serious. "Tony?"
"Like I said, Bruce. It's foolish and a gamble, but I'm in love with you and would love to spend the rest of my life being absolutely ridiculous with you." Bruce couldn't fight a smile at Tony's humor and he ducked his head, before darting his eyes back up to Tony's face. "In fact, this whole crazy stunt just made me realize I'd be even more foolish if I ever let you get away without at least letting you know how I really feel. So, if you don't mind that it took a fake alien baby prank to make me get with the program, and if you can forgive me for the Sherlock incident – and I am sorry about that – what do say to getting married?"
Bruce straightened his head and studied Tony's face for any hesitance in the question, but found none. His heart pounded his ear and he knew it was love, not fear, that caused it. "I say," he spoke slowly and deliberately, voice low and passive-aggressive, "if this turns out to be another prank you'll fucking wish I was the Hulk, because you have no idea what Bruce Banner is capable of."
Tony smiled and it was all teeth and blinding, not even remotely phased. "I'll take that as a yes," he said and pulled him into a bruising kiss.
Yes, as bizarre and unexpected as it had come about, it was definitely a yes.
When they pulled away, breathless, Bruce smiled slowly. "You know, the team will never believe any of this."
Tony's eyebrows rose slowly along with the corners of his mouth. "I fucking love you," was Tony's eager reply before their lips melded together again.
They'd figure out the details of the prank later. Oh, yes. Much, much later.
