AND THE UNIVERSE SMILES ON US!
Here's a post from the heart of a newbie mom who is still getting her head wrapped around the fact that she is a mother now!
One would think that 9 months is enough time for a heads-up. But it doesn't really hit you until your cherub is in your arms crying at the top of their lungs in the middle of the night and then it hits you hard.
So the apple of my eyes was born on the morning of March 31, 2022. A perfect birthday present for my husband, although delivered by the stork a day later. While my baby and I toiled hard for over 15 hours of labour, he had still not got into a position feasible for natural delivery. I blame myself a bit here since I kept on working till the 38th week which meant longer sitting hours and lesser movement. Nonetheless, my munchkin arrived into the world via cesarean section healthy and perfect, and we all couldn't be more grateful to the Almighty and our medical team. Hearing your baby 's first cry is the sweetest sound in the world, surpassing even the magical sound of your baby's heartbeat when you hear it for the first time at the 7-week ultrasound scan. The moment when I first laid eyes on my baby is etched on my heart and is something that time can never erase.
Post c-sec, one is in a drowsy state for the most part. Plus doctors and nurses keep barging in and out so you are largely on an auto mode and don't fully process the emotions. Two days later, you get discharged and bring the baby home. And then it starts to sink in.
The drive from the hospital to home isn't the easiest one. You look at your tummy and you still look 6 months pregnant. Physically, you are feeling broken and weak. You can barely walk. Add to that the realisation that now you are responsible for a new, teeny tiny fragile life who is completely dependent on you for everything. The dawning of the fact that you now have sleepless nights ahead of you. The feeling that you have the responsibility to raise a good human being who thrives in life. The feeling that you are no longer the unattached, carefree individual who could go out every weekend on a whim with hubby dear. Bottom-line: life will never be the same again.
While you are on top of the world when you look into those bright, beautiful gray eyes (yes, they are gray for now), you also hit rock bottom, thanks to the postpartum hormonal whirlwind that your body is going through. You are also learning to walk again amidst so much pain and discomfort. You feel like resting but you can't as you gotta feed the baby round the clock. To be able to breastfeed your baby is truly a blessing that creates a unique, unparalleled bond between a mother and her baby, yet it is exhausting to do so every 2 hours when the mere act of sitting hurts your incision on the outside and the inside. Plus with limited mobility and strength, you become physically dependent on others for a lot of things. And that is not a good feeling. You suddenly start to wonder, "What did I get myself into? Was I really cut out for this? How in the world am I going to handle it all? Will I be a good mother?" You begin to have self doubts and your confidence shakes. Countless mothers have done it before and countless mothers will do it in future, yet you question your ability to do justice to the new life that God has entrusted you with. You wonder, "I don't even know how to bathe the baby, or how to burp him properly, and how will I manage to put those cute but complicated clothes on him? He is so fragile - what if I hurt him by mistake?" And suddenly, before you can hold your imaginary horses, those questions and worries are no longer limited to the infancy stage. They reach toddler age, the school years and even beyond! Phew! Sounds taxing, huh? Now, add social isolation to the mix because you are confined to the four walls for a long time. You do have people around you, yet in your heart, you feel lonely, hard to explain why. Whether rational or not, you also envy your husband a bit who is going to work as before, meeting people, having official get-togethers, going about his social life like nothing changed. It has, of course, changed for him too but not in the same way, not really.
So, as you are undergoing so much physically and emotionally, you find yourself crying randomly with big, uncontrollable tears running down your cheeks - silently and secretly trying your best to not let it show on your face, which is another challenge as you have no privacy left. Should someone ask you why you are crying, what would you say? You just had a baby - shouldn't you be the happiest soul that ever walked the Earth? There are countless things running inside your head and yet, you can't pinpoint one single reason why you are crying like a baby when you should be soothing your crying baby. There is also a tinge of guilt - "Am I not supposed to feel happy? Isn't this what I wanted? Isn't it supposed to be the most joyous time of my life? Am I being ungrateful?" Baby blues are real, guys. Not an exaggeration and certainly not a myth. If not managed, they can easily turn into postpartum depression (PPD). Don't get me wrong - you are insanely happy for the little bundle of joy that has entered your life by divine intervention. You were waiting for this all along. After all, nobody has ever needed me the way my baby needs me and that feeling is transcendental. Yet, a woman goes through so much physically, mentally, emotionally during labour and childbirth that the mental health does take a big hit in the initial days, even weeks. You miss being pregnant and the pampering that came with it. "Being tired" finds a drastically new definition. Constant sleep deprivation doesn't help either. You miss your earlier independent, somewhat structured life. You look in the mirror and don't recognise the disheveled person you are looking at. You look like death warmed over with those baggy eyes. Messy bun becomes your permanent hairdo, just as the ill-fitting nursing top and jammies become your staple outfit. You have forgotten what chilling with your hubby means. There is hardly any husband-wife dynamic left as the baby talks take over. All this adds to the already sinking ship of a sense of self and self-confidence.
Blessed are the people who have their mothers and mothers in law by their side during this time. I was twice as blessed as I had both. The little pearls of wisdom on what to expect and how to survive and navigate what is rightly called a woman's second birth are truly the game changers. What to eat and drink, what not to eat and drink, how to walk, how to burp the baby, what to do when the baby won't sleep or won't poop or poop too much.. The list is endless. And while I handled the pregnancy confidently and with much ease, I found myself absolutely blank when it came to newborn baby care. So you try your best and hope to not be judged for voicing your frustration or for not knowing how to calm your own baby, for not understanding his cues from the word go. You think, "isn't all this supposed to come naturally to me?" The answer is a big no. A baby is born but a woman learns to be a mother on the job. As does the father. And on that point, we really need to have longer paternity leaves for the newbie dads. Is it fair to not give a new father time to bond with his baby? And is it fair to put the onus entirely on mama when she already has enough on her plate? After all, when would she ever need her life partner more, if not now? Isn't this society's way of saying that child-rearing is a mother's job alone?
Anyway, slowly and gradually, you start to pick up the tricks of the trade and you see that it starts to get better and beautiful with each passing day. With time. With patience. With practice. Of course, to be honest, I still cry at times when it is 2 am and my little human refuses to go to sleep and my arms are sore and my back hurts from rocking him and poor hubby has to step in, despite having to go to work in the morning. But we are able to laugh about it the next day. We still have a crazy schedule, no wait - we have no schedule, but it's okay. It's okay that my body is not the way it used to be - it carried my baby and I am proud of it. It's okay that my eyes look sleepy all the time - I am still beautiful. It's alright that I don't have time to binge-watch or pursue my interests, my baby needs me now. It's okay that the days seem monotonous now, they will soon be dotted with beautiful milestones. It's okay that I can't go out much, I am taking the journey into myself. It's okay that things seem to be on an auto mode right now, I'll soon be in control. And it's okay to feel all that I am feeling now. I am sure that with time, I will be able to do the things I used to enjoy doing, with my baby in tow. With time, clumsiness will give way to confidence. With time, I'll find myself again, comfortable and confident in my new avatar. Given that parenting is no child's play, we will learn and grow as our baby grows. Because our baby is worth it all. He is our precious.
Another epiphany has been a newfound respect and appreciation for my own parents and for all the parents in the world. What my parents went through to raise me and my siblings, and raise us well despite limited means, is something that commands utmost respect, gratitude and love from us in return. I love them 100 times more now and I so wish Papa was around so I could tell him this. I'm sure though he is watching over us and sending us love and blessings from above.
As we hit the 2-months milestone, I am able to look beyond the eat-sleep-poop-repeat cycle into the beautiful adventure that awaits me and my husband. All I now think about is how perfect our baby is and how I would not change a thing about my motherhood journey. I look at him in awe all day like he is magic. His antics and his smiles fill my heart with joy that is beyond words. He is reinforcing the family bonds and creating his own unique equations with the loved ones. Day by day, my baby and I are getting to know each other better and building the foundation of a lifelong relationship. All of my tiredness and fatigue disappear when i hold him in my arms, close to my heart. He doesn't know how happy he makes me when he follows me around the room with his innocent eyes. My heart sinks at the mere thought of leaving him at home when my mat leave ends and it saddens me that I may miss his milestones. I wish time would stay still because before we know it, my newborn will cease to be a newborn.
In short, motherhood is a beautiful blessing. It does not come with a manual (although YouTube videos these days come close). Mothers don't need judgement but kindness, support and a lot of self-love. A big cheer to all the beautiful mamas out there. You go, girl! Let's be each other's support system as we do our best to raise the next generation of humanity responsibly, mindfully and lovingly.
Okay, enough with my philosophical ranting now. Time to go catch some sleep before my little slice of heaven awakens and raises hell!
