SComedy

Stand-Up Comedy SComedy.com

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People say 'my phone sucks.' No it doesn't! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone.

Louis C. K.

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For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to say married, get two.

Ray Romano

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When things are bad, it's the best time to reinvent yourself. ~ George Lopez

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There's something about the ice cream truck that makes kids lose it. And they can hear that shit from ten blocks away. They don't hear their mothers calling but they can hear that motherfucking ice cream truck. ~ Eddie Murphy

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People always say I couldn’t live in California cause they love seasons too much, yeah I do too that’s why I live in a place that skips the shitty ones. ~ Daniel Tosh

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When someone describes themselves as a taxpayer, they’re about to be an asshole. ~ Demetri Martin

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The hardest thing to do is to be true to yourself, especially when everybody is watching. ~ Dave Chappelle

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The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them. ~ Lenny Bruce

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Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage, stop carrying it. Move forward.

Doug Stanhope

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My father died fucking. He did. My father was 57 when he died. The woman was 18. My father came and went at the same time.

~ Richard Pryor

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I am not promoting the use of drugs, I'm just saying if you're gonna have a war against drugs, have 'em against all drugs including alcohol, the number one offender, or shut the fuck up!

Bill Hicks

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I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Chris Rock

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I don’t do much. I’m too lazy. That’s my problem. Hang around my couch, watching the TV. Just too lazy. I realized this the other day, I get hit my a truck tomorrow - a big truck could hit me - paralyze me from the neck down. Wouldn’t effect my lifestyle a bit really.

Norm Macdonald

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So all my friends have kids now... which I think is rude.

David Cross