bro idk this is the only place i go to rant cuz nobody sees this but it’s about to be emo as fuck.
i had an existential crisis in my bed last night ? idk what’s going on ? i really hope it’s just the seasonal depression swooping in and not that ‘i wanna kill myself’ depression, but yeah, anyways.
i’m constantly filled with dread about the upcoming semester because i’ve over-committed myself to the point where nothing has even started and i just want to lay down and cry. like im on two eboards, taking 15 credits, and involving myself in a bunch of extracurriculars. i have to plan a bunch of shit for my organizations and im sitting here genuinely wishing i could drop out, or didn’t apply for this or that so i could have at least some free time this semester.
the worst part about whatever the hell i’m feeling is that ? i got real with myself last night ? and realized that i went overseas and lived in the jungles of southeast asia for a whole month searching for happiness and, guess what, i didn’t find it.
i couldn’t find what i was chasing disconnected in the fucking beautiful world that i was living in because i’m not happy with myself, and i don’t know if i ever will be. i try to be a person i can respect and like but holy shit, i know myself, and again this is so fucking emo but there is literally some sick darkness in me that rears its ugly head once in a while and it is so so scary.
i dont know how to connect with people. i THROW myself into volunteer work and anything that could be considered ‘good’ because i think it will make up for how i treat and manipulate others in my life. i love people until they get to know me, and then i suddenly want to cut them out of my life and treat them like shit. why. literally why am i like this. it only comes in waves too; some days im completely fine and full of love and happy for the world and other days im bothered, irritable and i can’t stand the people around me.
im scared to graduate college in a year because i have no money at all, no idea what i want to do with my life, and i do not feel like an adult. im fucking scared that i’ll never be truly happy because im ! literally ! an evil piece of shit ! and i don’t know how to fix that !!!
so yeah haha just a quick life update ! thanks for coming to my TED talk!









