ruh roh.

i'm kelli. i love scooby doo, bands like tonight alive and ice nine kills, and I'm trying.

[scoobyboos]

bro idk this is the only place i go to rant cuz nobody sees this but it’s about to be emo as fuck.

i had an existential crisis in my bed last night ? idk what’s going on ? i really hope it’s just the seasonal depression swooping in and not that ‘i wanna kill myself’ depression, but yeah, anyways.

 i’m constantly filled with dread about the upcoming semester because i’ve over-committed myself to the point where nothing has even started and i just want to lay down and cry. like im on two eboards, taking 15 credits, and involving myself in a bunch of extracurriculars. i have to plan a bunch of shit for my organizations and im sitting here genuinely wishing i could drop out, or didn’t apply for this or that so i could have at least some free time this semester.

the worst part about whatever the hell i’m feeling is that ? i got real with myself last night ? and realized that i went overseas and lived in the jungles of southeast asia for a whole month searching for happiness and, guess what, i didn’t find it.

i couldn’t find what i was chasing disconnected in the fucking beautiful world that i was living in because i’m not happy with myself, and i don’t know if i ever will be. i try to be a person i can respect and like but holy shit, i know myself, and again this is so fucking emo but there is literally some sick darkness in me that rears its ugly head once in a while and it is so so scary. 

i dont know how to connect with people. i THROW myself into volunteer work and anything that could be considered ‘good’ because i think it will make up for how i treat and manipulate others in my life. i love people until they get to know me, and then i suddenly want to cut them out of my life and treat them like shit. why. literally why am i like this. it only comes in waves too; some days im completely fine and full of love and happy for the world and other days im bothered, irritable and i can’t stand the people around me.

im scared to graduate college in a year because i have no money at all, no idea what i want to do with my life, and i do not feel like an adult. im fucking scared that i’ll never be truly happy because im ! literally ! an evil piece of shit ! and i don’t know how to fix that !!! 

so yeah haha just a quick life update ! thanks for coming to my TED talk! 

[scoobyboos]

if u wanna be emo about it i guess i really did die in high school because I’m sure as FUCK not the same person i used to be and i couldn’t be more blessed or happy about it.

[scoobyboos]

Jayden seeley is a younger Australian Vic Fuentes pass it on

[scoobyboos]

wow the only thing i use tumblr for anymore is actual blogging

this is prob gonna be short and confusing cuz im SO TIRED but here we go.

literally 4 years ago i told my friend i would do anything to go to self help fest, and then this year they finally took it out of cali and put in a detroit date. can we acknowledge how fucking perfect that is for a moment like ask and u shall receive.

this concert just meant so much to me for so many reasons ??? for one, the venue was also where i saw my first concert (house party tour) and two of the bands from that tour (ptv & adtr) were back for self help fest. it literally felt like i was looking into some ‘five years later’ sequel of a movie i had forgotten about. so much had changed ??? like five years ago at my first concert i remember looking at the pit and asking ‘how do i get down there’ because i didn’t even know what GA meant. i remember nearly crying because i got to see pierce the veil and all time low, and nearly crying again when my friend said we had to miss ADTR and leave because we had a curfew.

five years later i showed up alone to the venue, completely comfortable, something of which i would have laughed at had you told me when i was 15. i was VIP, i got to meet pierce the veil and a day to remember, i started a mosh pit 2 feet from the stage with another guy who was going just as hard as i was during ADTR, i got kicked in the head like 7 times and i sang so loud for so long that i straight up thought i was gonna pass out for a solid two seconds. looking back and comparing these two people is fucking wild because im literally not a SHRED of the person i was when i was 15 and that’s a blessing overall.

just want 2 get emo and also reflect on the fact that if you told 15 y/o me i’d be going to this concert i would have laughed because back then i literally didn’t see a future for myself. i did not see myself living past high school. my first concert meant SO MUCH to me because i got to see the bands that literally pulled me out of the worst place in my life and set me in the other direction (only back then i was still in the depression so like they were in the process of saving me), and today i got to tell PTV thank you for getting me through high school b/c im a 20 year old in college and killing it and i wouldn’t have made it there without them. 

music is never going to stop being my main source of happiness and neither will concerts. there is literally only good in them and i can’t wait to look back at this in five years and see how much i’ve grown. i’m really proud of myself and how far i’ve come (esp with independence) and i am so fucking thankful that i got to attend the first self help fest in detroit EVER. i feel renewed and alive and excited for life and most importantly i feel happy with myself for continuing to do the things i love either with my friends or with myself. i just really love music bye

[jueki]

Dreams 1990 ‘夢’ Directed by Akira Kurosawa, Ishirô Honda

[almorosa-deactivated20170822]

[seinfeld-daily]

[ainawgsd]

Cows in Flowers

[rosemiracles-deactivated2016032]

[fuckthekxng]

me

[respectfulmemes]

[lifehacksthatwork]

Just a family of bears chilling in a pool.

[j0hnlindley6]

Sticks & Bricks/A Day To Remember.

[nocuriousjustgeorge-deactivated]

“When you see your crush and her boyfriend together” 😂😂😂

[lucidnee]

me

[mingisxfixon]

2017 shaolin fantastic

[ambiguouspup]

[love-personal]

[zoomerbro]

[ohshitdammit]

The 90s are so embarrassing

[onlytwitterpics]