Screaming Through Normal

Thoughts on living a life along side panic attacks and agoraphobia.

[screaming-through-normal-blog]

One of my happy moments....John Lennon’s death anniversary...New York-Strawberry Fields. 

[fyp-psychology]

I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.

C.G. Jung (via fyp-psychology)

Today I choose not to become FEAR...

[quotethat]

A certain type of perfection can only be realized through a limitless accumulation of the imperfect.

Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore (via quotethat)

[quotethat]

Happiness always looks small while you hold it in your hands, but let it go, and you learn at once how big and precious it is.

Maxim Gorky, The Lower Depths and Other Plays (via quotethat)

[screaming-through-normal-blog]

A Tunnel of Fear

It’s summer in Redding, Ca and it’s hot. Like 106 degrees hot. I decided to go to the lake with a friend from work. I’m 37 and she’s 19. I’m hip though, young hearted, so it’s not weird. The difference in age is really just the difference in fear level. She told me she was going to take me to a place that’s secluded so we could bring our dogs and be away from the crowds. I wasn’t scared...yet. Her old mustang doesn't have any air conditioning so the dogs weren’t the only ones panting. When she pulled of the road and started down a dirt road I wasn’t too concerned. I’d been on roads like this before. I expected it to be a very short ride on the dirt road. When you suffer from panic disorder for as many years as I have, (22 years) you learn to imagine everything before it happens, just in case. When the road became rougher and way smaller I began to feel the familiar flush attack my skin. My heart began to speed up and jump with every ragged bump we went over. I immediately asked how far in this place was. She said “oh, not far....we just have to pass through this tunnel”....TUNNEL!!!!????? It was a tunnel that went under the highway and was more like a throughway for drainage. I gasped, “In your car??”. It didn’t look like we could fit through and the darkness immediately caught my eye. I exclaimed, “I’m really claustrophobic!”--Before I could jump out of my skin she was driving through the tunnel and out the other side. The other side opened up and I saw other cars parked. My skin was tingling, my hands were shaking, my breath was short and I was two seconds away from a full blown panic attack. I was trying to hide it, per usual--story of my life. I heard the splashing of water and the barking of dogs. I knew the water was near and that I could begin to calm down. There was a brief moment that I almost yelled, STOP, TURN AROUND! 

We hiked down a small hill and there behind the trees was a hidden oasis.The lake was glistening beautiful greens and blues and the sky was open with sun behind the backdrop of the beautiful mountains. My hands had stopped shaking and my first thought was: I almost missed out on this. This is what living with Panic Disorder everyday is like. Everything new is a perceived threat and getting to the good stuff takes fighting through a jungle of misplaced nerves. 

[yogadotom]

Loving this quote!

[talkativolive-deactivated201703]

“I felt like lying down by the side of the trail and remembering it all. The woods do that to you, they always look familiar, long lost, like the face of a long-dead relative, like an old dream, like a piece of forgotten song drifting across the water, most of all like golden eternities of past childhood or past manhood and all the living and the dying and the heartbreak that went on a million years ago and the clouds as they pass overhead seem to testify (by their own lonesome familiarity) to this feeling.”

Jack Kerouac, from The Dharma Bums (Penguin Books, 1976)

Words to my soul...