90's Anime!Usamamo - Abridged
Mamoru: hey odango head you must be really dumb
Usagi: omg u are such a jerk
Mamoru: You're still dumb
Mamoru: actually I'm tuexdo mask
Usagi: OMG I HAD NO IDEA??!?!?
Mamoru: so i guess we hooked up in a past life
Usagi: oh my love how ever could I have not known it was you
Mamoru: 2 bad i'm evil now
Mamoru: I still help u tho
*14 episodes of benevolent Evil!Endymion later*
Usagi: My love has freed you from the clutches of evil!
Mamoru: actually it was probably the fatal impalement on a giant piece of crystal
Usagi: NOO MY LOVE YOU CANNOT DIE
Mamoru: j/k I'm alive now that you've defeated beryl
Usagi: hooray now we can be together!
Mamoru: lol nope I have amnesia now
*one 13-episode filler arc of amnesiatic Mamoru with split personality syndrome later*
Usagi: Oh Mamoru, now that your memories have returned, we can be together!
Mamoru: Yes, now we can finally actually begin our relationship and-
Chibiusa: Sup bitches, I'm here to steal yo man
Usagi: WHAT? that's ridiculous you're only a little gi-
Mamoru: Usagi, I don't love you anymore
Usagi: FFFFFF well Mamo I still love you
Mamoru: *pretends to hit on other women* no u don't
Mamoru: (man I hope this is working I need to break up with her because I have been having bad dreams about being close to Usagi meaning that she'll be in danger and breaking her heart without telling her what's wrong is way better than actually investigating the danger)
*22 episodes of pointless break-up arc drama later*
King Endymion: surprise bitches I was the one sending the ominous dreams
King Endymion: because of reasons, now kiss and make up
Usagi: now can we finally be together Mamoru?
Chibiusa: bitches did u forget about me
Usagi: GODAMNIT how dare you ruin our relationship that has only spanned 7 episodes out of the last 89
Usagi: MAMORU Y U NO REMEMBER MY BIRTHDAY *SLAP*
Mamoru: \O_o/ u didn't actually tell me but ok
Michiru: Hey Mamoru want to dance
Usagi: NO WAY BITCH he's mine
Haruka: Hey Usagi want to dance
Chibiusa: BITCHES DID YO FOGET ABOUT ME
Fisheye: hey Mamoru why do you even like that girl Usagi
Mamoru: she's got... erm... beautiful dreams or something
Fisheye: wow the entire series so far we have no idea why you actually like Usagi and your only answer sounds mysteriously like it was written to fit in with the theme of "dreams" for this season
Mamoru: I don't know what you're talking about
*yet another season of Usagi STILL getting jealous over her future daughter who is actually in love with a mythological creature later*
Mamoru: hey I need to be written out of the story so im goin to college
Usagi: oh mamoru you're so smart
Mamoru: Im not gonna talk much because ill be busy. IN AMERICA
Usagi: okay ill still write u tho
Mamoru: here's a ring bye
Usagi: oh hi guy who looks a lot like my boyfriend
Seiya: wanna hang out while I make you uncomfortable with unwanted romantic advances even though you have a boyfriend
Chibiusa: I have conveniently been written out of the story so that my presence won't remind Usagi or the audience that Usagi getting together with Seiya means I won't exist
Usagi: (I wonder if I should tell anyone that my boyfriend hasn't written to me at all for months while we're dealing with a new and dangerous enemy)
Usagi: (nahhh I'm just going to keep it bottled inside until I have a breakdown)
Sailor Galaxia: sup bitch I got yo man
Sailor Moon: NO HOW DARE YOU
Sailor Moon: *defeats Galaxia/Chaos/whatever*
Usagi: oh Mamoru! you're finally back! now we can get married and -
Mamoru: nah that's not gonna happen. I mean I didn't even propose to you
Usagi: hey Mamoru why do you like me
Mamoru: because of reasons
Usagi: good enough for me!
Everyone: MIRAKURU ROMANSUUUUUUUUUUU
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