✱ ╱ baifern pimchanok + cisfemale + she/her ━ if you happen to find yourself stuck in tartarus, make sure you don’t run into AMPHAI THONGKHAM there. the TWENTY-EIGHT year old has made quite the reputation for themselves under their alias as APHRODITE, a DANCER for THE TITANS. while their enemies often describe them as narcissistic and meddling, their syndicate would say that they’re clever and adaptable. they DO think that zane was murdered, but they’ll be keeping that to themselves for now. ( sleek black dresses and strappy heels, going on dinner dates with you men you don’t really like, a wicked smile full of trouble, staring at a reflection so long you lose a sense of reality, a ballerina taking her bow ) vi + 20 + she/her + est.
playlist can be found here, pinterest can be found here
TW; mentions of nsfw topics!
beauty in the hands of a clever woman was a far more effective tool than any knife or gun, amphai learned this from a young age
born to a washed up model and an absent stock broker amphai’s life was marred by disillusion at an early age
to her it always appeared love was transactional and done to manipulate or gain something. emotions or true feeling were just another tool to get what you wanted
the way her parents loved each other was brutal and spurred by toxicity. it’s hard to even call it love, it was just a vindictive battle to see who could be the bigger victim between them
their marriage fell apart after her father was arrested for embezzlement, without money there was nothing holding them together anymore.
her mother became even more disillusioned with the idea of having a child as amphai got older and was no longer a pretty, silent, doll to dress up and amuse her mother
eventually her mother grew bored of fending for herself and left amphai to live with cousins in tartarus while she went back to chiang mai to live with her parents
her teenage years were marked by trouble, failing grades due to simply not caring about how she did and flirting with anyone with two legs
sex and power went hand in hand for her and the high she got from finally feeling powerful when she had been dismissed her whole life was an addiction she couldn’t resist
amphai wanted more than parents who didn’t love her and cousins who thought she was a burdern. she wanted to be loved and desired, she wanted money and power
she fell in with the titans when she was 19 after meeting a girl at a local club who told her she should be a dancer
she found she had a natural aptitude for charming money out of pockets and secrets out of people so she excelled in the position
getting money and presents from regular customers only bolstered her need for lavisheness.
she’d go out to dinner with a guy and rack his card up five hundred dollars just because she knew she could and the rush of being so wanted thrilled her
sex was nothing special to her. just something she enjoyed with many people. she never understood why people attached so many emotions to it. (basically she’s free love all the way.)
to most people she presents as a vapid party girl and in some senses that is true but she prefers that people underestimate her so its easier to manipulate them
she likes to meddle in people’s love lives but not to find them true love just because it amuses her. love, sex, relationships. they’re all a big game to her she hasn’t been able to identify a truly sincere love
she likes the ride more than being secure, she’ll always choose something toxic over something good just for the thrill of it
she’s got a good heart its just buried under a layer of drama.
she feels too much all the time and instead of trying to process it she just buries it down under a thick layer of “beautiful party girl”
wade hardly ever was somewhere he was not needed for business. usually he’d arrive promptly ten minutes before whatever meeting time was set and was the first person to leave the table. tonight he’d been captivated by the vocals of the woman on stage. lingering behind as business wrapped up, foregoing his walk home and instead now sat with a sips left of scotch coating the bottom of his glass. ‘ hm ? ’ the first words from the other barely penetrating his focus before he directed it over to it’s owner. ‘ ah yes. i mean, i am not usually one to admire in such a manner, but her talent certainly garners that sort of attention. ’ he offered the woman a nod before downing the rest of the liquor in his glass. ‘ you ever met her before ? ’
amphai’s face was frustratingly knowing. she always had a glint in her eye that hinted that she knew something you didn’t, some secret to the universe she unlocked long ago that she had never deigned to share with the rest of the world. the look lived on her face now, chocolate eyes boring into her neighbor’s visage with unbridled curiosity. her propensity for both running from and to danger tended to hang above her head like a neon sign that read, find trouble here. she leaned in closer to hear his words, the woman’s sultry voice still floating through the room. “something like that.” she grinned with that omnipotent look. “her talents are not all that’s left to be admired.”
being the wife of the mayor of tartarus was a spotlight that shone 24/7, she always had to be on, it was why she appreciated the underground clubs and lounges so much. those sorts of places prided themselves on discretion and she found that their patrons generally kept to themselves or at least didn’t bother to pester her about the city’s current political climate. in the cover of the dimly lit room, lana could savour the refined voices and enjoy a glass of wine or two. taking a sip of red wine, lana’s attention wavered toward the woman sitting at the table alongside her who had just spoken in her direction. lana nodded in agreement, careful to keep her voice low, “she’s magnificent –” lana glanced briefly in the other’s direction “–I assume you’re a long-time fan? you sound quite enamoured with her – not that I blame you.”
fidelity had never been amphai’s strong suit. she was very clear about this to the people she slept with and for all intents and purposes dated but somehow they still got their feelings hurt. her time with the mayor had unfortunately not inclined her to his wife. despite their limited meetings amphai had quickly decided she was exactly her type, except for the whole being married part, she was tall, competent and gorgeous. she grins, teeth white and a face a little feral at the woman before her. “we were enamored once but it was a long time ago.” phai laughs like they’re old friends sharing an inside joke. “its easy to be a fan though. how about you, any long lost lovers here tonight?”
donny lounges in his chair, a cigarette dangling from his fingers, his features partially obscured by the cloud of smoke. he’s not exactly in the mood for a party tonight, nursing a drink & looking uncharacteristically somber. he stares lazily into the middle distance in the direction of the singer, taking another drag. his eyes snap back into the focus at amphai’s words, blowing out the smoke before he turns his head over to his old friend. “are you two … friends ? “ he asks with an implication in the quirk of his eyebrows, although it’s not as light as he would usually manage. “her voice is pretty,” he agrees, slightly noncommittal. “she has a good range.”
amphai laughs musically at the question. five years ago he probably would have known the answer to that. the titans are so integrally ingrained into her life after nearly a decade in their company that she’s comfortable around most of them. she still doesn’t trust them as far as she can throw them though. she’ll play the part, the glitzy, air-brained, bimbo who couldn’t possibly be a threat but they probably know better to look for the claws underneath her electric pink nail polish and relentlessly sharpened nails. still, she enjoy’s donny’s time and his presence, even if she’s unconvinced she won’t become a pawn in all their power games. “in the biblical sense we are very close friends. but she left me to get married or something like that. i still like to come watch her perform though, even if her husband is staring me down.” she nods subtly to a wiry man in the corner with furrowed black brows and a gaze directed at phai. “i think he’s worried i’ll steal her away in the night.”
it’s the kind of place that feels straight out of a fifties gangster movie, smoke wafts across the room from a man’s imported cuban cigar and glasses clink musically over the smooth sounds of the singer in the lounge. swathed in red silk amphai sits alone nursing a neat glass of whiskey and watching the singer with rapt attention. she’s an old friend and lover whose voice still enchants her to this day, though they long ago stopped having time for one another she still likes to make her way out to see the woman’s shows if only to hear her sonorous voice for a little bit. “what do you think?” she says leaning towards the small, round table adjacent to her. “she’s amazing right? i saw her sing bing crosby at the sky lounge once and it was life-changing.”
Sara has her work cut out for her. The Titans were functioning, and they have power, but the culture is an absolute mess. She knows she has to inject more love and community into the syndicate or they’re going to get eaten alive. It’s something she’ll have to bring up with Reese, see what he thinks. But she’s here to focus on Amphai, and she’s going to hold herself to that. So she hums and nods, and folds her arms over her chest. “Well what do you want? What do you want the next step for yourself to be?” She knows it’s hard to move on unless you have a direction.
what does she want for herself? she can’t remember the last time somebody asked her that. for so long it’s been hard to establish what she even wants the next moment or the next day. her life seemed transient to this point, unable to pinpoint exactly where she was going or what she was doing. she took in sara in all her power and her confidence, she wanted that. amphai wanted to be untouchable, where people couldn’t reach to hurt her exploit her anymore. she wanted to stand above it all. steeling herself she spoke, “i’d like to take on some more responsibility at the club. spend less time dancing and more time managing and in the office, planning events, among other things. i know i didn’t go to college or anything but i’d like a chance to prove myself to you.”
𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐠𝐫𝐢𝐧 𝐨𝐧𝐥𝐲 𝐠𝐫𝐨𝐰𝐬 𝐛𝐢𝐠𝐠𝐞𝐫 at the sound of her laughter and the greet he gets. ❛ hey baby. ❜ their friendship has always been a rather tactile one and dennis doesn’t bother moving back, knowing amphai won’t care about the lack of personal space. ❛ what happened to friends and family discount? ❜ the question is enclosed in playfulness, he’d always give whatever she wanted. ❛ i can definitely do the tacos, i’ll even throw a tres leches cake in there. never say i don’t treat you the best, ❜ he adds, tone still carrying the same sentiment. he’s more interested in their time away from the glamour of heavenly, of course. ❛ shall we? ❜ he asks, offering her his hand.
dennis is one of her closest friends, she also sleeps with him semi-regularly. these are two statements that coexist peacefully as they do for most of her friendships. so she shows no hesitation in taking his hand and marching towards the bar with gleeful purpose. “you should get a drink before the show. it’s a good lineup tonight.” the bartender slides her a shot and she presents it to dennis dutifully. “shouldn’t you be out robin hood-ing this bullshit or something. you haven’t gotten me anything pretty lately right? because if you have a gift and you’re hiding it from me you know i’m a bloodhound.”
his smile turns upwards, the memories of their early years something he holds onto fondly. he remembers finding it funny how infuriated she seemed to get whenever he didn’t respond to her flirting, that he didn’t seemingly fall at her feet that way she was used to. he used to like that. liked listening to her flirt, loved riling her up only to turn her down. now, he just wonders what would have happened if he hadn’t of resisted all this time. zane would have had something to say about it for sure, would have made both of them suffer because the man would surely make it his business somehow. but then maybe they would be here, side stepping anything that would cross out of the realm of teasing and into the land of something real. “that’s not how i remember it. i’m pretty sure if i walked in the club while you were on shift and asked for a dance, you wouldn’t say no.” it’s a bold gamble, and something that he’s had to resist doing in the last year or so. he chuckles at her statement, hand pausing from massaging her calf for the moment. if only she’d realized how many times he’s stopped himself from leaning over, closing the distance between them and showing her that he’s more affected by what she says as he’d let her believe. “there are a few impulses i’ve been able to resist. kissing smartass brunettes being one of them.” he quips all too casually, teasing in his tone even if he was entirely serious about that fact. “you’re the one that said it, not me.”
she wishes something in her would snap, that she’d lose all self control and run her fingers through his thick mass of dark curls, cup his face, sallow and handsome, and press her forehead to his to try to understand every thought that lived behind his dark eyes. it would be easier said than done, and utterly terrifying at the thought of entertaining something real. because when love is real people leave and people get hurt, she reminded herself. there was no world where she loved reese titan and didn’t get hurt because of it. no happy endings remained in her futute, she had long ago solidied her identity as a greek tragedy, a sorrowful footnote to someone else’s story, a lost lover or a forgotten memory. so with immense strength of will she pulled her legs back from his warm palms and placed them both firmly on the ground. “i’d say no on account of the fact that i know you’re rich and i’d keep exponentially raising the price for a dance. a girl’s gotta eat.” her voice catches in her throat at the words, hot and sticky with unspoken confessions and midnight conversations. “if you want to kiss the mirror i see a smartass brunette right there.” she said pointing to his reflection with a fraudulent glee. “you and your right hand are already well acquainted right?”
𝙼𝙰𝙺 𝙿𝚁𝙾𝙱𝙰𝙱𝙻𝚈 𝚆𝙰𝚂𝙽'𝚃 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙱𝙴𝚂𝚃 person to speak on the phantom thoughts that amphai had. she’d frequently thought the same, had ‘ accidentally ’ knocked drinks out of their clienteles hands when she’d first started dancing, hadn’t learned the game of how to be charming yet. there were times where she still struggled, often having to stop herself from making expressions that she knows would run off their clients, or at the very least, show them just how unpleased she was to have them there. she had never been a social creature, always preferring the shadows, so makayla understood amphai well. ‘ i mean … i’m definitely not going to say that some of them don’t deserve it. i’m also not saying that i wouldn’t support you on that one hundred and ten percent, but there’s security. might as well make them work for their pay, you know ? whoever the hell that guy is can go back to his sad existence, and we’ll go get tipped and make a ton of money at this bachelor party. ’
a tenuous sense of camaraderie existed between the two women the kind that frequently popped up in their industry. they were competitive, sure, she would have stepped on most of the women in here to get the biggest pay but she would never leave them somewhere unsafe. this was the code they lived by and the one she kept close to this day. she laughed coarsely and inhaled deeply trying to regain her composure. lately she felt like it was slipping farther away, getting hard to hold on to the facade of aphrodite, like atlas being crushed under the weight of the world. “and who doesn’t love a bachelor party.” she snarked making sure all her bits and pieces were in place.
“I know they are.” She nods. Maybe she doesn’t know those girls in specific, but she knows the brand of woman well. Those overlooked and cast aside. she was Zane’s first example in that regard. The beginning path in what would be his not-so-long-life of casting women aside. “And I’d be happy to show them how important they are to me, and to this family.” Because she’s decided that she’s not going to run the Titans like a syndicate anymore, but like a family. A family’s bond is bigger than anything else. Bigger than business, bigger than egos.
this family, sara says. amphai thinks that might be the most accurate description of them she’s heard in a while. they mirror her real family in a way, messy and full of broken promises. she doesn’t know really how she feels about marriage, about family, every example of it has been terrible people doing terrible things to one another. phai doesn’t know if she could ever love someone enough to marry them. she hates to discount the idea because at the end of all things she’s a romantic but it seems to her commitment has always been the final nail in the coffin of a relationship. she sighs, “sometimes i feel like i’ve become a bit of a spokeswoman for them. i’ve been at the club so long i feel a little stuck. it’s equal parts my great love and my worst enemy, dancing, the glamour of it all and the downfalls of it too.”
Augustus was guilty of loving the way she spoke to him sometimes, her voice a pleasant purr. It was a shame they argued so much that he had grown used to preferring her mouth occupied. “You’ve got it all planned out in your pretty head, don’t you?” He teased, his dark gaze snapping to her. “Except I don’t feel so seduced yet.” But that wasn’t entirely the truth. Her mere presence did things to him he would never admit to, like he was trained to shove her against the nearest wall and make her cuss in moans upon sight. He simply could not wait to put her in her place, but that was something better left unsaid.
she simmered falling back for a moment, bored with pretending to be witty. it was a constant volley with augustus, one that could be tiring when all she wanted was a warm body. but he had never been there just for that. it was for amphai to prove to herself at least, how clever she was, how easily she could take someone down. fangs out and jugular bared in every instance she went straight for the throat. “you’re no fun augustus.” she sighed turning back to face the dance floor.
her words have the desired effect on him, just as they always do when they’re like this. the pair of them pushing, pulling, wondering how far they’ll both go without either of them actually doing anything. it’s the game they play so well, only it’s beginning to feel less and less like a game every time they do this. he swallows thickly at the pressure against his thigh, his fingers dancing back up under her knee and brushing against where her thigh begins. “you should tell me some time. we’ll see if you can make me blush.” his knowing smile remains in place, a little too smug. his mind is conjuring up a great visual of her thinking about him. he laughs then, grinning at her response. “what? you’ve wanted to dance for me for years now, i’m just offering to give you what you want.” he’s mostly joking, at least in the manner that he’s talking about it. really though, he wants her to say yes, to give in and cross the line they’ve been so carefully toeing all these years. he wants her to do something, to let him know that she wants more. on the other hand, he’s begging for her to not do anything and keep their carefully crafted friendship intact. he snorts then, a look of disbelief crossing his features. “believe me, i have plenty of self control.” he doesn’t think he could commit to abstinance if he tried, though. he just doesn’t like the idea of ending up like his father, having children that he never saw with women that didn’t matter to him. it’s not the life he wants for himself. “right now the only person calling me daddy is you.”
despite the fire in her nerve endings sending every bone in her body rigid the comfort of being with reese still lives in her. nowhere else would she curl up so readily like this, swathed by a sweater and close enough to feel the warmth of his skin. she wants to run her thumb over the cleft in his chin or bury his face in the crook of his neck. that’s the terrifying thing, she thinks she wouldn’t mind being consumed by every part of reese, of stepping into his fire and letting herself burn with a smile on her face. “years is an overstatement. after the 14th rejection i moved on to bigger and better things.” she laughs shifting her legs to stretch them. the breadth of their conversation feels to wide, too much like dancing around what they really want to say and it looms above her head prepared to strike lightning at any moment. the soft whip of the fan ends and she’s only left with him and the stifling heat in the room that crawls up her skin and sends a flush. her soulful brown eyes find his and for a moment her breath catches in her throat. then she flashes that dazzling amphai smile, tilts her head back, and laughs. “reese i don’t think i’ve ever seen you run from an impulse. you run headlong into danger like you’ll die if you don’t risk your life. not even counting the amount of times you’ve gotten into fights on my behalf. but i’ll admit i’m something of instigator.” she lets the bourbon burn her throat after she speaks, still sipping. “only in your dreams honey.”
while she’s not entirely new to tartarus, she doesn’t know as much of the history as she’d like. she’d asked her father once about what it was like working for the man before he’d followed desmond, and ezekiel hadn’t held back from his truth. he never had when it came to josefina. he’d told her about how cruel the man was, like an overgrown teenager who didn’t like it when things didn’t go his way. she’d heard about his countless affairs, about how he’d even had another son pop up out of the blue. she knew that while all of the people in this life did questionable things at least, none were quite on the level as zane. hearing amphai’s story now, she’s glad that the man is out of the picture. “i’m glad you don’t have him in your life anymore.” she answers, knowing that saying she’s sorry isn’t going to help anything. “i know it hasn’t been long yet, but it must be a lot nicer getting to go to work and not having to look over your shoulder for him.”
sometimes, she can’t help it and it makes her feel bad, but a deep shoot of envy grows through her at josefina. to be so skilled at empathy is something that phai has yet to master. or even that she hadn’t had to endure zane when he was still alive. josefina has mastered all the things that amphai fails at and she loves her but her heart breaks for her at the same time. to be as soft-hearted as she is makes her a target in tartarus. phai stopped having that much love for people long ago. “i’m glad too, fuck.” she runs her hands against her scalp rustling the hair there. “you should have seen some of the places i hid from him in heavenly. you never want to see the back of our storage closet.”
The whole sympathy that comes out of things is a bit weird for her. She’s not sure how to take it. Yes, it is hard. But also Zane was awful, so do people actually feel that bad that he’s dead? She c an’t even be upset if they don’t. “Well,” She runs her hands over the front of her stomach, giving a small smile. “I’m a strong woman. There’s nothing I can’t handle. And as the woman in charge now, I’ve got impressions to make.” Above the grief and the changes, she’s been most overwhelmed by the new role, and everything that comes with it. How her ex brother in laws are likely underestimating her. Then again, she always thrives in that environment. “But send my best to the girls. Maybe I’ll come by soon and pamper them a little too.”
maybe her appreciation for sara supersedes whatever joy she feels now that zane is dead. sara’s warm hand falls far softer on heavenly than zane’s leering eye ever did. she knows at least for the sake of being the club’s most senior dancer that this is better for the girls. as much as she’d like to be selfish she is singularly concerned sometimes with protecting those girls from everything else lurking in tartarus. powerful men made for powerful weaknesses. she finishes the sweet, wiping a little of frosting from her lip and wonders how zane would feel about the two of them sitting and chatting like old friends. “i think they’d really appreciate that sara. you know the rest of this world is so distant to some of them. they’re sweet girls really.”
𝙴𝙼𝙴𝚁𝙸𝚂 𝚁𝙰𝙸𝚂𝙴𝙳 𝙰𝙽 𝙴𝚈𝙴𝙱𝚁𝙾𝚆 𝙰𝚃 the other woman, though they couldn’t say that they weren’t surprised, more so slightly impressed that it had been years yet amphai was still doing the same thing she had when emeris had been around. ‘ so what was the point of the date ? ’ they couldn’t imagine sitting and entertaining men just for the hell of it, and especially not just for a bland dinner and some drinks. then again, emeris had never exactly been one to entertain many people, and they knew that there was an art to it. ‘ where is he ? ’ they asked, turning slightly in their stool to look over their shoulder.
amphai stifled a bit uncomfortable, what was the point of the date? she certainly didn’t like this man and didn’t think he was all the handsome. she thought that it was just she enjoyed the validation of being bought whatever she wanted without having to pay for it, and that she was tired of the leftovers in her fridge, and she’d spent all her money on a sparkly pair of boots last week. finally she settled on, “i wanted calimari and i didn’t want to pay for it.” her grin was wicked at the phrase. she shrugged callously, “he’s over there somewhere i told him i wanted to catch up with a friend at the bar so i assume he’s calling his finance bros and doing business-like stuff right now.”
the room is cold and the lighting does nothing for her skin, which is frankly what annoys amphai the most. at this point she nearly considers zane’s murder to be a public service so being dragged into a tiny, damp, room to be interrogated has her thoroughly peeved. she exhales through her nose and looks up preparing to answer the barrage of questions.
“did you know zane titan?”
“i did.” she keeps her answers short and concise, never offering any more information than they ask for her. it would be foolish to lie, she’d been seen enough in public with zane that there was no denying they knew each other. hell, people already assumed she was his mistress. she wouldn’t have touched the bastard with a ten foot pole.
“what was your relationship like with the deceased?”
“it was business only. he was my employer. we were never friends if that’s what you’re asking.” on her end she loathed zane, she thinks he probably knew that and it made him even happier that she still played along with his games like she enjoyed them.
“do you ever spend time at olympus?”
“only constantly.” she laughs airily. she’s pretty sure she’s seen one of the cops in here on the dance floor at one of the nights she’s been there. “but people who see me remember me. i spend all my time at the bar or on the dance floor.”
“what do you know about nectar?”
“only that people will kill for the stuff.” she shrugs. this is a carefully placed lie. she tried the stuff once and decided never again. she had no desire to slip into addiction. “i’m just a nympho, like normal people are.” she watches the cop’s face burn. “kidding!”
“when did you last see the deceased?”
she sighs, already tired of being questioned. “i met him about three days before for a business meeting. i didn’t see him after that.” she’d slunk into his office where he’d instructed her a special client would be in the club that night and to get information out of him.
“where were you on july 17th, at 11:43pm?”
“i was working a shift at heavenly from nine pm to three am. one of your buddies can probably attest. i see you guys in there all the time.” she smiles darkly, hiding the sneer that wants to curl on her lips.
“can you or anyone else corroborate your whereabouts?”
“yeah about thirty-five guests and everyone who was on shift that night.” she crossed her arms tightly over her chest and felt ramrod straight in her chair. she doesn’t even really know if she wants them to find zane’s killer. they’d be dead before the cops could even get them in jail, the titans would make sure of that.
“have you heard anything that might indicate that zane titan’s death was no accident?”
she laughs like the question is the stupidest thing she’s heard in a long time. “a man like zane doesn’t die of natural causes.” men who wielded that much power inevitably let it become their own hubris.
“is there anyone that you have reason to believe would want to poison zane titan?”
“plenty.” she said seriously. “zane made enemies wherever he went. he didn’t have friends he just had people who wanted to kill him and people who tolerated him for god knows what reason. i imagine almost every person that man ever made a business deal with wanted him dead.”
“were you in any way involved in the death of zane titan?”
“no. i wasn’t involved with his death in any way.” though i wish i had been.
“is there anything you want to come clean about before we do a little digging on you?”
she sighs deeply unfolding her arms at last and pulling up that mask that she wears so often like a plate of armor. “sorry baby. i’m an open book, you can strip search me if you don’t believe me.” her face falls flat waiting for his response. “or not.”
she’d originally been so against the idea of forming connections outside of the souls and to a certain extent, she still was. she didn’t like the idea of her motives coming into question, especially by desmond. but she couldn’t see it all as black and white, too busy fixating on all the grey areas. she continues to reason that it wasn’t like phai was a capo or the underboss of a stallions. she worked at one of their clubs, entirely uninvolved with the business side of her syndicate. she trusted her, and as long as they kept up their bounderies of no work, they’d be fine. “you’re a genius.” she grins. “the cookies will make for a perfect dessert.” she pops a piece of sushi into her mouth after drowning it in soy sauce, listening to make sure that amphai wasn’t mad. “yeah, i’ve heard a lot of people say that. was he really as bad as everyone says?”
amphai grimaces at the question. the topic of zane is not one she likes to approach readily. their relationship had been complicated at best and oppressive at worst. if she could even really call it that. she’d caught his eye when she joined the titans and rejected his advances several times, she had no interest in being one of his causalities she’d heard all the horror stories already. despite that zane had learned that having amphai on his arm at business meetings, or events, or setting up her up on dates with awful men who smelled like cigars was a wickedly effective way to get what she wanted. her beauty had weaponized and honed into just another thing he could trade for a win. she’d never wanted that kind of attention, it wasn’t on her own terms. his death seems like the only viable way out of it, she doubts he would have let her leave. “it’s...complicated josie. he wasn’t a good man. i don’t know.... i’ve never felt more objectified than when he was alive. he didn’t deserve the family he had. they all put up with it because despite himself they loved him. i don’t know why but they did. i just think everyone is better off for his not being in the world anymore as harsh as it sounds.”
