“Wow. Open purse, remove balls, huh?”
“Do you want ants? Because that’s how you get ants.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of /I’m punching you./”
“A /ruse/, you big dumb idiot!”
“Are we rampaging? I thought we were rampaging.”
“How is this suddenly my fault?”
“If it helps, I puked most of it up.”
“Well, don’t just sit there sweating like a gigantic cheese! Do something!”
“Man up! Talk to your mother, and then you can go be a bartender and destroy a new marriage every week.”
“Why are you wearing silk socks?”
“Is that a real question?”
“Oh, are they? Or are 5 in a black, and 5 in a slightly darker black?”
“The tactical turtleneck. The…/tactleneck./”
“I don’t know what that means, (name). I didn’t grow up on a cheese farm.”
“Well, I’m sorry. I didn’t invent /English./”
“How hot am I? Let me answer that: as balls.”
“WHY ARE YOU WEARING MY MOTHER’S ROBE?”
“So this one starts freaking out and, long story short…I kinda had to drown her in the tub.”
“That’s just classic her.”
“Oh my God! What shade is that, Crackwhore Red?”
“So, the last thing you hear me say is ‘oh my god, they’re shooting at us!’ and you don’t even call me back?”
“I swear to God, I had something for this.”
“Idiots doing idiot things, because they’re idiots.”
“I’m scared that if I stop all at once, the cumulative hangover will literally kill me.”
“Hey, you wanna smell something?”
“Can I offer you a drink? How about this expensive prostitute?”
“Well /fuck/ your dolphin, (name)!”
“Sorry, I was picturing Whore Island.”
“No, I’ve seen the end of that movie. And, spoiler alert, it ends with a closet full of my suits on fire!”
“Who are you, Comrade Question?”
“I /am/ drunk, or I wouldn’t be talking to you.”
“Now let’s go bury this dead hooker.”
“Are you kidding? Dude. Bros before apparent threats to national security.”
“For I am a sinner in the hands of an angry God. Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now and at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen.”
“Now what am I going to spread on my toast? Your tears?“
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