[thelovewhisperer]

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[searchingthroughablackhole]

Don't condescend me when you're giving me advice...

I’d like to think that I often am receptive of other people especially when it comes to hearing their input, thoughts, advice, opinions, etc but sometimes I feel like a few of my friends don’t give me enough credit or dismiss that I am mature despite the fact that I do have those inner child at heart moments at times. One thing most people don’t know about me is that I’m good with is being able to take things very seriously. Sure I may joke about random stuff to an extent or sound really of a whiny annoyance at times to some. Even then, it doesn’t mean that I don't have no prior knowledge or am incapable of reacting and handling things maturely. I know when to be serious. Don't ever underestimate that about me. In fact, my family especially my dad and brother both have claimed that when they both trying to joke with me that I usually react in a negative way and also complain that I’m too serious at times. I don't blame them as it's true. Yes, I can be serious when I have to and or want to be. Anyway, speaking of that, I guess something that I’m serious about is that I have friends who think it’s okay for me to be receptive to their advice but not mine. Hear me out. I get that you don’t want to take mine or it doesn’t help but is it really fair that I have to take yours just as you won’t take mine? I’m sorry but the thing that bothers me isn’t the fact that somebody doesn’t want to take my advice or at least hear out of what I have to say and give insight to.  It’s the fact that people can think they can just shove their insightful wisdom and advice down my throat.

I’ll take your advice if I do feel that I really need it.  So please don’t go clapping yourself on the back or congratulating yourself for “helping” a friend because all you’re doing is making somebody else become wary and discouraged to speak about their problems and thoughts especially if you haven’t been in their shoes and think you could try and help out by playing fictitious counselor or trying to step into the world's best advice giver, let me be frank here, it doesn’t work like that. Life doesn’t work like that. Yes, people won't take your advice even if they say they will. You either going to make the person, if they’re wise enough, to pick up on this, became reluctant to converse and open up to you about anything personal. I had a few friends who made my feelings invalidated when I needed to be open. In honesty, I only, at times, concur with you and what you say openly is because I’m not willing to bicker with you about something that I can do and/or already have done for myself. That, and it's pointless especially if you know a circumstance or situation is bound to get worse. This doesn’t count the repeated advice that somebody has for me as that’s not fair but it varies on the situation and the problem. What I'm trying to explain is more for the people who think it’s fine to just tell me one thing that’s worked for them but not be open-minded and receptive to their friend’s problem just because they think they know what it’s like to be in their shoes, when in fact, they either don’t or just want to worm their way out of trying to help out a friend. You're human. I get that but if you don’t want to talk, then please let me know that you don’t want to talk about the problem or can't help the person, I can't stress this enough: do not waste your breath. Simple as that. If you are truthful with your intentions or know you can't help somebody, it's better hearing those words in all honesty. Yes, it’ll hurt but it’ll be alot better than clearly wasting both of our time doing something you don’t want to do or having me hear you sprout what sounds awfully alot like condescension within the advice.  Because I frankly don’t appreciate or want that. And yes, tiu should be prepared for me to either stop opening up to you slowly but surely. That, or I will call you out on it if I feel like you’re not helping me or I don't want your advice. At all.

[searchingthroughablackhole]

That moment when your just sick of catering to other people and you do so much to give them the friendship and love they need but they treat you like dirt or not as important so you’re just like, “Nope. Don’t expect me to put in effort if you don’t put in some.”  I get if the person is tired or something like that but sometimes if you have to keep doing lots of it and on a basis where you’re just making the effort and trying to be blunt or something and them getting upset is not something I really enjoy putting my effort into.  If you have a problem with me and don’t see it in my POV or see it differently than tell me so we can work and sort things out.

[telethons]

[ghostthatannoysyou]

Lyrics // La Lune, Madeon ft. Dan Smith

[xlysitheax]

[bled]

[btsleepy]

bangtan lyrics: tomorrow

[bookgeekconfessions]

[searchingthroughablackhole]

“What are you terrible at?”

Making new and keeping friends

Most sports, cooking, playing an instrument, and video games even if I like them

Writing but still learning...but I got to say writing because I’d be a liar if I didn’t.

Shutting up my brain and having peace and quiet that’s needed. 

Memorizing most things.

The new internet slang (if that makes sense)

Math, Science, and politics and talking about them, I feel stupid and or not being able to say what is needed to be said and or can’t contribute to those conversations. T__T

Articulating, conveying, and or expressing myself. 

Convicing people my real age unless I show them my ID. (For some reason, this happens to me in real life but it’s not agonizing as others on my list but still putting this as I can).

Not believing the silence and when my head attacks me, I have to feel as if it’s the truth even when it’s not and it’s a vicious cycle.

You know how people think I’m good with socializing and I can speak English? Having people understand me because I still suck with English and I need to work on that. And I suck at mostly socializing. 

Hold conversations with other people especially if they’re eager to touch on topics I need to be more educated and put more time into. Sorry for wasting your time. 

NOT PEOPLE PLEASING.  I’m putting that in capslock because it’s frustrating and I’m reaching this point where I cannot stand it. I’m also willing to immediately work on this.

Not giving myself time to put myself first and putting others first (like especially if I need that time) but I’m learning...

Communication but I still try to do so not with just close friends and or family but nowadays, not so close friends, coworkers, my bosses, and or customers at my workplace. 

Giving people who don’t deserve my time, time. 

Driving.  Yes, I got a license and all but I’m still terrible. Don’t talk about it publicy or much unless it’s a super good day for that reason.  Still learning that as well. 

Not good with not being able to no worry about things. “Don’t worry!” actually makes me worried than I should be. It’s like invalidating me and my feelings so I’m just panicking instead of feeling calm. 

Debating about my faith in my head. 

Debates in general. 

Not being timid and when in reality, I have to work on standing up for myself more. 

Trying to be independent but end up being needy or somewhere really close to it but also needing people and wanting to be independent. Seriously I hate it.

When a friend and I aren’t close, reaching out or going up to them because I feel that other person stopped liking me and instead is upset, mad, disappointed, or just plain tired with me and my awkwardness.

Not being awkward.

Uh getting to the point at times...

Trying to include people but somehow instead end up excluding them and needing to work on that. 

Rapping (but hey, that’s okay with me? Because I suck at it and can accept that) but it’s not something I’m too put off about compared to other things on this list.

Summarizing things.

Being the friend that somebody loves and appreciates. Sometimes I have to ponder what’s wrong with me. 

Focusing on one thing or loving one thing. It’s like my mind goes all over the place. So I’m scattered-brained.

Being tidy so I’ll have to work on that

Drawing (but I still do it anyway lol)

Talking to guys who I’m not friends with or know like I just suck at it. I’m more comfortable around girls. I’m not timid or anything but I will be awkward and failing at conversations or even small talk.

Learning other languages and I’m horrible at it but please excuse me, I’m not experienced and still need to get in the habit of learning.

Being focused on things at times (I get so easily distracted)

Cheering other people up when they’re down unless we’re deal with similar or have had similar situations.

When people don’t ask me anything OTHER than “How are you?” then I’m good at making excuses to conversation short or trying to make sure that we talk but to the point where it can end and in turn, I’m horrible at conversations that don’t involve question about the other party. 

Fangirling over ANYTHING, like I’ll try but I don’t know...

Having confidence in myself...hence why I can’t have a significant other. 

Getting a part-time job but hoping that changes. T__T

Appreciating life but I’m trying

When somebody tells me that  “I hope you’re okay.” I’m good with throwing it away. 

Lying when I’m depressed or feeling like actual garbage and being able to act that my friends who don’t know so well think I’m okay or fine but in reality, I’m drowning in misery but I say nothing because what’s the point of making things a pity party or dampening the atmosphere. So I leave conversations early or make excuses to. It’s actually easier to in one of the group chats I’ve had. 

When my friend and I argue with one another and at times, getting things resolved because I’m horrible with confrontations.  

Being able to control my emotions when I’m extremely upset. I hate it.

Having faith in God (even though I try).

Writing a meaningful letter to people I truly admire and looking up to

I’m good at locking myself when I stopped trusting people like we don’t talk anymore on social networks to me not talking about my personal problems anymore to them. I’ll still talk to them but not about personal things.  Personal things won’t be in the conversations and even if I do, I’m selective and save it for counselling or other people like my parents or those I can trust and haven’t lost trust in but sometimes, I just keep it to myself and scream in my journal and or in my room and or telling God about it in a prayer because really, who else can I turn to

[searchingthroughablackhole]

Just a thought of my own...

Do you ever feel like you want to like something to the point where you’re like, ‘Why do i like it so much?’ when there’s something so much better for you but you go towards it as thought it’s a flame and you’re the moth? Because that’s how i am with Kpop. Don’t get me wrong. I love the music genre and the artists and I’m liking the music and it’s okay for me too but I just think I need to water it down and not just because I’m afraid or should be afraid of what other people think but you know...I can like other things too but at the same time i do need to focus on other things and I know I can like what I like and it’s normal but those thoughts just been on my mind because of my persona beliefs/faith and it’s like I get it but I don’t. 

I don’t even know if I make any sense right now.  The music genre does inspire me and I’m not going to go and hate it. I’m just really bad at liking it because I don’t know...too many things. And not just personal problems but like I don’t know...I think too much. I know.  Don’t get me wrong though. I’d like to thank some KPOP artists for inspiring my creativity and being able to relate and just love them you know?

I feel like I’m in this tug of war and I don’t know...conflicted. I get there’s good and bad things to what I like but there’s also more important things. I’m probably just overthinking it. I can’t help it.

[daily-emwatson]

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[searchingthroughablackhole]

Selfish, I Know I Am

Lengthy read. Don't read if you're not into long entries. Thank you!

I confess to the fact that I've been selfish lately and I have no idea why. I think it's got to do with the fact that I'm shutting myself up slowly as life goes by. Or I feel like my freedom's about to run out when it's not true. Or I'm tied to the sin of self-pleasure or something but I know I'm going to need time to just think about it and figure out what I can do from here on out because personally, I'm not okay with it. I don't need somebody to point out that I'm not selfish because I have and been. Maybe it's not displayed or on the outside but don't try to convince that I am not because I know myself from inside out, I have been and am.  For some reason, I just want things to me, myself, and I instead of talking about things like the anime I like: Haikyuu because yay volleyball and kpop groups although I have but it's like...I don't know...I just...don't... I'm not enjoying it as I should be. And it's nobody's fault but mine. 

To be honest, I think it's just because I'm trying to get some emotions out of me because I've been hollow and depressed. But at the same time, I have this side that just wants to do everything and then I want to go to doing everything I can. So I waste days in sighs, daily routines, procrastinating on my Math homework, whining and being immature on Twitter (yes, I know it's a place we can talk about whatever we want but I ain't going to complain so consistently that it's like, "Really? Really? Really?" and yes, I have a journal so I need to start using it).   And I know I haven't. I have been majorly tired and lazy but that's no excuse. If I can do writing, I can write in my journal for crying out loud. Why is it so freakin' hard though? Is it because I'm afraid to use paper or am I really that idiotic enough to be extremely lazy? I don't know but whatever it is, I need to get out of that mindframe, rut, state, or whatever I'm in because frankly, I want to write.  And the fact I don't write in my journal and holding it kind of drives me insane. Of course, I do write in my journal. Just not often but won't rant into too much of that.

Truthfully, I want to stop caring about myself alot more than I do with other people. I do with my friends but I want to do more with people whom I love and/or have to come love: my family. Especially my mother and younger brother who I struggle to get along.  What with my horrid past and other things I won't mention, I know that I want to love them. Why? Because God gave me them to love and I'm blessed with them. And I know alot of people who aren't as fortunate. And I truly don't want to waste that. 

My mother and I may not have the best relationship. She scolds at me consistently, picks on me (out of love), and even yells at me (and my dad) alot but I know she does it out of love. She cook, cleans, and works full-time job. She's been doing so much for my family and sometimes, I don't stop to give her the appreciation she needs. It's why I've been pondering to myself about cooking lessons but also a chance to spend time with her. I know so many other girls are close to their mothers but I struggled with my mom after I arrived in America because of our differences, stubbornness (we both have those qualities), and other things. I know that she loves me and I love her but I feel like if any outsider of the family looks at us, we're definitely not going to look as if we do. I fought with her consistently and at times, I wish I never have. I want her to know that I love her. And not out of pity or sympathy or the fact that she's my mom. She is but I do want to love her properly. I guess I tend to misunderstand her criticisms about washing my face to taking care of my body to cleaning for my super messy room.  She means well and deserves the best.  I think out of all of us, she deserves the best.  And I do love that she has soft spot for cats because I love it when her and my cat, Scooter are always together and she's always saying sweet things to him. Or when she laughs about things I say when we're with my aunt or she gives me food like Thai food that she cooks to dim-sum in Chinatown in Downtown Chicago. Sometimes even sweets or sushi that she gets from work events to restaurants pick-ups from the way home. Or she'll provide my transportation to my Math tutor or other things I need to go to.  I like the warm hugs that she gives me too.

Apart from my mother, I'll move  on to my brother since I don't want to forget him, yes, he's the handful in the family but I love him. He's my brother.  He's the one that gives me alot of stuff and makes time for me to get the things like iced coffee and girl scout cookies. I know that's his way of showing his love but still, he does it, and it means alot. He wants me to joke with him more to texting him and stuff like normal siblings do. He teases me to the point where I was in a bad mood at church and he took a picture of my face. I still have it on my cell phone to this day. I kind of laugh about it but back then, I was just meh at the time. Although I do try to give him advice every once in awhile and apologize if I know I'm a jerk towards him. We bicker and he pushes my buttons. Alot. But I don't want to make it out that I truly hate him because I don't. Even if he's my adopted brother, we're related and I want us to get along to the point where we're actually like siblings.  People say we look like twins. A coincidence? I think not. He's meant to be my brother.  So I do want to love him properly as I can. I just need to learn or take betters to doing so.  Even if he's the black sheep of the family and I'm the one with common sense and staying out of trouble. I don't know how to socialize and he does. We're total complete opposites. We used to get along when we're younger than I discovered the internet and alot of things went down and we just became distant rather than closer. 

 With that said, instead of being close to people, when I come with problems with them or myself, I don't know how to have affection. I close myself down because of things that I won't mention here but even then, I honestly don't know how to return the affection that he and my mom deserves. I want to love my family and friends properly though. I want to spend the time I can with my parents before they die. Not just to learn things from them but spend the time I've never shared with them. The ones I hear other people conversing about especially those who are close to their families like their moms. I want to be able to connect with my brother and my mother the most. Do something that other children or people haven't had the fortune to. I hate even mentioning that because I'd like alot of people to get along with their families ubt in truth, I know it's not always going to be the case with everybody and I'm extremely NOT lucky, because, lucky is just something to describe in a way, that's, for something, not as important, but that's just my opinion, but no, I'm blessed to have a wonderful loving family especially a generous brother and a loving mother.

If I keep selfishly living for myself and not appreciating things the way they are or keep wanting what I can't have and so forth, how am I ever going to try and love them properly? Better yet: how am I going to survive in the future? Sure, there's survival of the fittest but in truth, I think I have relationships or am with my family for a reason.  I don't have many social connections outside my family apart from a few old high school friends, church friends, relatives, and so forth. But yeah, you get what I mean right?  This selfishness has got to go. And not just because I say so or decide it has to but more importantly because it's why God gave me this life or one of the reasons.  Sure, you may need to care yourself at times and you should but don't forget those who at least loved you in their lives and why they're there.  Definitely not for your selfish intentions. That, and  I need to establish proper relationships and I can't do that if I'm in that stage of me, myself, and I. I'd like to learn that selflessness is tenfolds better than selfishness.  

[bocademiel]

I can’t be shaken anymore, by anyone. I’ve got to that point in my life that if you’re not a good person, and you can’t make me feel good with love and life, then fuck off, basically.

FKA twigs (via lunate)

[constantcollapse-deactivated202]

Does anyone have that really odd feeling when you’re alone in your bedroom laying down listening to sad ass music and you just realized how bored you are with life and you want to go on adventures and live and feel free but you just want to fucking die because you don’t see a point anymore and it’s not like you’re sobbing and you’re extremely sad, it’s more of a numb feeling and you simply just want to die idk that’s how I feel these days and yeah

[spiritualinspiration2]

[searchingthroughablackhole]

EDIT: This is just how I feel. In no way do I expect you nor am forcing you to believe what I believe.  So please don't read this if you know you're easily offended.

I rather believe in somebody that I can't physically see and be okay with that see rather than believing in nothing. Because in my former life, believing in nothing hasn't gained me anything but more pain and it'll keep doing so until I find the light that is in the darkness of this world. Even if I can't see this light.