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Det er som om alt startet i går. Det er som om det aldri har vært noe annet. Vi er et eventyr. Vi er historien om hvordan man kan ta elleve ødelagte skapninger, bygge dem opp og gjøre dem sterkere enn noe annet. Vi er historien om de som kom seg opp, som ga faen i samfunnets begrensninger og forhåpninger. Vi har bevist at det går an å være en enhet, selv når man er så forskjellige. Vi har bevist at det gjør ingen ting om du er høy eller lav, om du er rask eller treg, om du vil danse til langt på natt eller være alene med potetgullposen. Vi har bevist at det går an å kombinere flinkhet og freidighet. At det ikke er teit å være interessert i noe - det er nettopp det som gjør oss interessante. Ingen kan gjøre meg så engasjert, så lettet, så bra som dere kan. Vi kan hate hverandre, vi kan kjempe mot hverandre, vi kan dytte hverandre så innmari langt ned i søla. Men vi drar hverandre opp, vi dytter hverandre videre, vi gjør hverandre sterkere.

Det er helt utrolig hva vi er nå, versus hva vi var. For halvannet år siden var jeg i tårer hver gang jeg drakk. Så langt nede, så desperat etter å være en jeg ikke var. Nå kan jeg le, nå kan jeg danse, nå kan jeg gå min vei og vite hva jeg kommer tilbake til. Dere har vist meg at det er greit å være meg - det er bra å være meg. Dere har lært meg å le, lært meg å gå på snørra og ikke bry meg om hvem som så det. Dere har fått meg til å føle meg smart, sterk og som om jeg betyr noe, og kan gjennomføre noe. Dere har lært meg å leve, leve litt mer hver dag. Litt fortere, litt roligere, litt modigere. Det handler ikke om de som ser på, de kule eller de teite eller de flotte. Det handler om å være lykkelig, å trives med seg selv og kunne stå for det man er.

Tusen takk. Jeg er så utrolig heldig som har så flotte mennesker rundt meg, sånne mennesker som lyser opp i mørket. Nå lengter jeg ikke lenger etter å dra. Jeg gleder meg, jeg tror det blir bra, men jeg føler ikke at jeg må løpe lenger. Og nettopp det er jeg så evig takknemlig for. Vi er ikke bare en gjeng, men en familie. Jeg gleder meg til vi kan møtes igjen til nye utfordringer, både i studiene og i resten av livet.

Jeg er en flink pike. Jeg er en jævla flink pike. Og vet du hva? Jeg elsker det. Jeg brenner for det. Det er fordi jeg er en flink pike at jeg kommer meg opp av senga hver morgen. Fordi jeg er en flink pike setter jeg meg opp på hesten igjen hver jævla gang jeg faller. Jeg er en flink pike, og jeg er stolt av det.

For jeg er ingen sekserelev. Jeg er ikke norgesmester i noe som helst. Jeg klarer ikke pushups, engang. Men det jeg har, er drivkraft. Og jeg er flink, skal jeg si deg. Jeg er ikke flink på den måten de dødssmarte er flinke - tro meg jeg må lese ting hundreoghelvette ganger for å forstå det. Mitt beste fag er matte, men jeg stanser fortsatt totalt opp selv på enkel hoderegning. Jeg er dog flink til å jobbe. Jeg er flink til å bli sint. På verden, på bøkene, på fagene. Men jeg leste en gang at den beste hevnen er å bli bedre. Og jeg skal alltid bli bedre.

Samfunnet jeg lever i sentrerer så latterlig mye rundt det å være best. Man skal lykkes i alt. Dessuten skal man til toppuniversiteter, og ikke faen at man skal studere noe man er overkvalifisert til. Man skal jo selvfølgelig strekke seg høyere enn man klarer å nå. Det er normen. Selvfølgelig faller jeg under den.

Fot jeg vil. Jeg vil inn på NTNU. Ikke bare det, jeg vil inn på den vanskeligste linjen. Men jeg vil ikke det bare fordi det nesten er uoppnåelig. Jeg vil det fordi jeg har et mål om hva jeg skal gjøre med livet mitt, og jeg skal nå det målet koste hva det koste vil.

Så jeg faller på trynet. Hardt. Jeg føler at det skjer igjen og igjen, men kanskje gjør det ikke det. Det eneste jeg vet er at ingen andre enn meg kan klare mine mål. Så da må jeg pokkern meg reise meg opp igjen, kjempe hardere enn noen gang før. For nå, nå er det min tur. Nå har jeg muligheten. Og jeg skal faen meg ikke la den gå fra meg.

The sweat will drip. Your toes will be not pink but bright red with blisters, hurting like hell, but they won’t slow you down. You’ll get mad at your feet, why the hell should they act up now of all times? But you’ll keep walking. Stepping harder. Your shoulders and hips will forever complain about the straps wighing them down, you throat will crave the water heavying your load. But you won’t stop, not even for breaks. You’ll keep walking. Slowly, but steadily. Until one day you’ll reach the top. You’ll be there, you’ll be stronger than anyone. Blisters are all gone, your shoulders and hips are tired but still going strong. The cuts and bruises, the fences in your path, they’re beneath you now. So far beneath, you can hardly see them. The difference between those who make it and those who don’t, isn’t how they fight. Not how high goals they set. Those who make it never, ever lose sight of what they want. They won’t let any roadblock ever stop them. They don’t chase thunder. They simply walk towards their goal. Slowly. Steadily. And nothing can ever stop them.

Oh but don’t we all love our thunder?

Do you know, though? Why we succeed while you don’t? Do you know the reason that your rim-filled life feels empty, the reason that you got there? The reason that we are just now jumping on to our wings, while you’ve got nothing but your ridiculous teen america-dreams?

We sacrifice. We work till we bleed and then we work more. We stay home while the others are out. We cry, we scream, we hate the world, but yet we love it like nobody else can. Because we know, that our work will take us out there.

Never a weekend without guilty conscience. Never a monday morning without a thousand topics to catch up on. Never friday until four o’clock when our work is done. Never a spring without sleepless nights. Never can we truly relax before our report cards are delivered. Never can we look at each other without a hint of jealousy of each others’ grades. Never can we just skip a class, because we’re terrified of what we’d miss.

But nobody supports each other like we do. Nobody loves the art of science as we do. Nobody knows to appreciate a quiet friday night like we do.

As much as i stress about school, i love mondays. I love all-day cram-sessions with complicated mathematics shoulder-deep. I love physics class, when we cooperate with each other and the teacher and we completely change our views on the world. I love how we are so much more fascinated by the laws of nature than the laws of human civilzation. That everytime we see a physical phenomena our minds attack the science behind and triggers us to find out how, what, why.

But most of all, i love how we’ll always have an open path ahead of us. We will have no roadblocks like you always will. We can run in whatever direction we want now. And no matter where we go, we can always run back home and find this home of ours. Together, around the fireplace, late at night, with wine, chocolate and the strongest group spirit ever seen by mankind.

What we have in common, it is everywhere, always. We need nothing superficial to be who we are, we just need each other and our calculators.

You might be bright light, but we are the water. We’re cold as ice, soft as snow, warm as the tropical oceans. And we might disappear for a season or two, but we always come back.

Study science, people. The one thing you will never regret.

Live to the limit, if not further. How do you remember the difference between this week and the last, if you always walk the same path? Many live well but few live great. When was the last time you crossed your comfort zone? Can you remember the rush of adrenaline, the feeling of victory, the weariness and undisturbed, calm feeling of satisfaction as you returned to your bed that night? But more importantly, do you remember how you felt that next day, walking in the street feeling just a little bit taller, a bit more accomplished, as you knew right then that you had experienced something that most people never will? And on drunken nights for years to come, you knew that you knew how to be strong. And you would always be ready to leap again. Word is; life begins at the end of your comfort zone. You don't have to climb mount everest or jump off a cliff. You just have to challenge yourself. Feel the rush of not always being in control. It is amazing what it can do to you.

Here we go. One, two, three and jump. We're stepping into the next chapter, whether we'd like to or not. On a roller coaster with no exit, we race up and down, around and around.

The last year has been amazing in so many ways. I pulled off my mask somewhere along the way, and i've enjoyed the freedom. Choices i made have made me into a girl so much stronger than i've ever been before. I feel like i'm standing on my own two legs wth much more balance than before. The ups and downs and revelations of the past year has made me realize a lot of things, and i feel like i've grown more reflected, ready to take off into the world all on my own. I no longer need the things i used to be bound by. The people that i used to be bound by.

I resolve to become more confident this year. I'll stop looking at my friends and placing myself miles underneath them. I'll stop looking at my reflection with dissapointment or uncertainity. I can be just as good as anyone. I hope that with confidence i'll gain a stronger capability of empathy - be able to see other's needs and help them get through it. Life isn't easy, not for anyone.

I'm scared of being left out. I guess i'm scared of letting myself being left out - pulling away and ruining what i've got. However, what's been achieved over the last year or so is not gonna go away easily.

Time to fly. For real this time.

I cannot wait till my escape. Till i can run as fast as i'd like without ever needing to stop. I will escapeyour judging eyes. I will be queen of the woods, i'll be the ruler of my own little world and i'll never let you in. I'll never let you pin me anywhere. I'll be the fox, i'll be the wind, i'll be the cold winter weather. I'll be free.

These months will be a war.

I'm not gonna win it. But no matter what, summer will come. And then we're all gone.

Poof.

It's the most beautiful kind of magic.

It's been a long time since she stopped caring. Maybe she saw gold in her hands and felt rich. Maybe she looked too much up to the others to see them as equals; she felt so weak so she drowned in her self-pity.

The only thing that is for sure, is the fact that she is gone. And she's not coming back. Come fall and she'll be nothing but a whisper in the winds as the leaves fall down. A vague memory: a burst of laughter, late night tears. She goes with the wind.

And the wind never stays.

Maybe next time, i won't stay. I won't beg anybody to, either. Maybe next time, i'll keep quiet, not be the first to raise my hand. Maybe next time, it won't be me. there will be no next time. You are you and i am me. You're behind bars and i am free.

Six months. Ish. Seven, maybe. Seven months to change our lives. Seven months to keep the same. To step carefully, or sprint blindly. Clock is ticking. What will you do?

We try to be who we're supposed to We try to say what we're supposed to We get drunk as we're supposed to We regret as we're supposed to We try as hard as we're supposed to We fail as hard as we're supposed to We fake a smile like we're supposed to But i don't fit in like i'm supposed to I cannot laugh when i'm supposed to I'm not accepting like i'm supposed to I cannot fake, am i supposed to?

We all know the rules. When life gets good and the future seems bright, we're destined to be hit by a shovel in the face. Simple laws of nature, there shall always be balance.

What pisses me off, though, is the thought that som people are apparently, for some reason, excluded from this balance-thing. Like, they succed at every fucking thing they do and they don't even work for it. Their success is so damn visible all the time and it kills me a little to look up at them. However, i know that for many people, i am that person. Perhaps it is not easy for the common stranger to see my weaknesses.Perhaps the toodamnedsuccessful people have other dark sides, perhaps they're successful without knowing where to take their success, perhaps they're succesful but have no one to feel successful with.

I think everyone needs to keep a balance. Sometimes i envy those with lower expectations, because i can't even imagine what not feeling like i'm carrying a thousand kilos of pressure on my shoulders feels like, it must be so friggin liberating. But i guess those with low expectations never aim high enough to get a real thrill off of succeeding, either.

I live for the success. Sadly, i live to be the winner. I just gotta learn to cope with the losses. Some way to go still.

it's funny how, all of a sudden it's all here. All our lives we run, leaning forward to see what's behind the next turn. And suddenly we're there. We're at the crossroads. We race through them.

I've been waiting for my future. Waiting for this time in the unreachable future where i'd get to use this person i've become and make something out of my life. I didn't realize that the future would actually show up at my door one day.

The last week, everything has changed. In the matter of less than a week, i've been faced with decisions and challenges like i've seen before. I've made choices, i've progressed and i've grown. I'm not a little girl anymore. I'm a young woman with the future in her hands. With a fucking driver's license in her hands!

It's wierd how it all just works out. I feel successful. Independent. A little scared. But tempted. In two weeks, i'll make a decision that will decide the next couple of years of my life. This decision will lay ground for the rest of my life. Who will i be? Where will i go? I thought i had made up my mind about the future, but then new opportunities came along.

The scary part is, it might not turn out as i think it will. Special circumstances appear faster than these opportunities. I know that when summer comes, these choices that i'm about to make will be put on a test. Perhaps i'll fail. But i think i'll make it.

I feel strong. Oddly so. i live off of the mountaintops. I'm vulnerable as i used to, but these people around me help me get up so much faster than before.

Life slaps you in the face sometimes. But it's time now, to feel it. To let ourselves be strong enough to fly. In seven months, we're on our own.

We're gonna have to use those wings.

It’s wrong, how people tell each other to stop pretending and be themselves. I find it wierd how we think we know each other better than we know ourselves. How do you know i was not being myself back then? I see different versions of people all the time, as they talk to different people and experience different situations. However well i know someone, i don’t know who they really are, deep inside. Nobody knows, not at this age. So we should stop pretending.

What i’m saying is, do not tell me that i wasn’t myself before. That it’s great that i dare be myself now. How do you know that this isn’t an act? That the person i was before i even came to this town, however weak i was, wasn’t as true as i am now?

The clock keeps ticking but it seems some aspects of our social development is standing still.

I’ll outrun you, you know

Every year i forget, and every year i am reminded of who i am and where i belong. Because i know that nothing in the world makes me feel more free, than standing strong in the mountains. Feeling the wind biting my cheeks, piercing my eyes. Seeing the snow, no matter what time if year, whisking around between the withered rocks, desperately fighting against the stubborn, green pieces of moss. I love the feeling i get at the startof a brand new day, barely seeing my path going up, up, up miles ahead. It never stops fascinating me how these two sticks we call legs can carry us nearly anywhere we’d like to go. Up there, you’ll find no bullshit. Your cellphone will stay at the bottom of your bag. Even if you wanted them, no signals would find you there. I feel like i enter the mountains with shoulders chin-high, with my head full of stress and everyday nonsense. When i leave, they’re down low. And that is not just because of my beloved backpack. The worries, they have no use up there. During hours upon hours of trekking through the strong nature, they will just work themselves away. That way, when you finally reach the peak, you’ll be able to truly see the nature and appreciate it. Or maybe you don’t appreciate it a all, just snap a photo and head back down because your fingertips are slowly turning into popsicles, and you feel like it had been days, if not years, since you last saw a slice of bread. Nonetheless, up there, you stand free. You can escape everything, brightening your heart and soul whilst doing so.

Where the reindeer and eagles are. Where people smile with their eyes when they greet you, because they’re genuinely happy to see someone enjoying such beauty. Where gender roles and social ladders have no ground to exist upon. Where the only thing that matters is your personal strength and ability to enjoy every little moment of life. That is where i belong. That is where i’ll go.

But honey, i know. I know how hard it is, how hard it must be for you. Because we don't know, we won't ever really know, whether our chance has come and gone. Whether our whole live was depending on us to go right, but we went left anyway. What if the chance we got then was our last? I know that you're having a hard time. And it kills me that i'm not able to be there for you like i should have been. But you know i'm here. I believe that we make our own fate. I believe there is some sort of predestination, but not when speaking of human lives. We are so small, so ridiculously insignificant. I believe we control our own lives, that our tiny little perk of being evolutionary kings is that we are in charge of just this little speck of the universe, ourselves. Soulmates may exist. Perhaps not for everyone, but i find it likely that they exist to be found by people like you. You may be a tiny, insignificant cluster of atoms, but you're a goddarn great one. You and i, girl. You know we're gonna make the history books. Ok?

I'll keep showing up, keep working harder. I'm gonna keep pushing my limits and making myself a little bit better every single day. So that one day, in a couple of months maybe, you'll look at me and see someone fit, strong and maybe even better than you. To me you are so incredibly good. Strong yet vulnerable, beautiful and deep down good even though you're a fucking bitch sometimes. I used to believe you were so much better than me but i know now that you're not. We're even. I don't think you see that yet but i do and i think it's true. We're equals. And i sure as hell am going to show you that the next time you strut your sassy face.

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