Et nocte perpetua @secretlyaraven - Tumblr Blog

Mar 15

A mission gone wrong, a cursed spirit with the ability to strip you of your cursed technique and leave you with little to no cursed energy, as time goes on it becomes clear it did more than just render you powerless, life begins to slip slowly through your fingertips; a diary full of hopes and fears; a solace.

₊˚⊹♡ tags hurt no comfort, dying reader, implied gojo x reader, slight unrequited feelings, geto x reader, socmed elements ₊˚⊹♡

₊˚⊹♡ divider: @/saradika-graphics || wc 3.9k || ₊˚⊹♡

October

So… this is what it’s like being a “normal” human, no cursed technique, no power beyond what my body is capable of. I can still see those damned curses, still have a vague sense of control over my cursed energy, but not enough to even be an auxiliary manager like Ijichi or Nita.

This sucks.

I don’t remember much of what happened… I remember the pain, like icy claws had burrowed themselves into my skull, tearing at every nerve ending as my head split apart; only to be replaced by such a cold absence I thought I had died, no gentle thrum of cursed energy, silence.

I only really remember waking up in the infirmary, Shoko wearing a grim expression, Suguru looking like the world had collapsed once again, and Satoru… he couldn’t look at me, he was present but… not, his mind elsewhere, but I knew he was listening to everything Shoko was saying.

I know what he was thinking.

Another person he couldn’t protect.

This shouldn’t have to be his burden to bear, we go into this knowing the risks, I guess he feels responsible because of how close we are; or were, I’m not sure where we stand now if I’m honest. This incident happened months ago, it’s only now I’ve started writing about it, ever since… well, ever since I started to forget things, ever since the hope of regaining my technique and energy were dashed.

I’m not sure how often I’ll update this, Shoko says it’s a good exercise just to get my feelings out, I don’t have to force myself to remember anything, just let myself feel.

Let’s see.

November

I feel like a stranger in jujutsu society.

It feels a little ridiculous to say I have nothing in common with anyone anymore, but when your entire life has been built upon honing your cursed technique and exorcising curses, just to have that stripped away, then yeah… what do I have in common with anyone?

Shoko still likes to invite me out to bars, it’s the only interaction that feels normal these days, Suguru is busy (and struggling from what I’ve heard), Satoru is Satoru… untouchable, gone for days if not weeks at a time; no one knows how he’s doing. We’ve exchanged a few texts here and there, but not much.

Again, he’s busy.

And I can’t help but wonder when the distance began, we were so close, small café dates when he had a breather, watching fireworks in the summer, visiting arcades on a whim – it feels like it changed overnight.

I know what happened, I became normal, and he’s so far above any normal human that it’s impossible to keep up. Which… I don’t think, I don’t think he’s doing this intentionally, I think he feels regret over what happened, but between that and being pulled in every direction because the higher ups can’t get their fucking act together; he doesn’t have the time… to process, it’s business as usual in the vice that is jujutsu society.

He has so much hope for the next generation.

I hope things change.

They need to change.

---

I hate forgetting.

It was something so simple, I went shopping, came to pay and I couldn’t remember my pin. How embarrassing. Staring at the keypad like the numbers were dancing in front of me, heart pounding as I racked my brain for any sort of hint, any sort of reminder.

It’s my pin, I’ve been using it for years, how the fuck could I have forgotten it?

Thankfully I have it saved on my phone, but still…

It’s one of many minor lapses in memory, up there with losing my apartment keys, or looking for something I’m holding in my hand.

Maybe I’ll talk to Shoko about it, then again… I don’t want to bother her either, she’s been busy too, more people are being injured by curses and she’s burning out. I’ll just carry on writing for now.

December

I almost forgot Satoru’s birthday, I messaged him at 7pm, he joked about it but I think he was a little hurt. Told him I’ve been tired lately, he didn’t say much, told me to get earlier nights as I’m a night owl.

I’ve not seen him for a while… he’s still as busy as ever, I should message him more but what’s the point, he either sees them and doesn’t respond, or I’m too tired to keep up the conversation.

I saw Shoko posted a picture of all of them out celebrating, feels bad not being invited, I shouldn’t be surprised; I’ve not messaged anyone recently.

---

Satoru dropped in for a quick visit, said he was in the area and wanted to see how I was, we sat in my apartment for a bit, made him an extra sweet hot chocolate; he smiled so warmly when I gave it to him.

The visit didn’t last long, Ijichi called him not even ten minutes in to say he’s been assigned another mission, his frustration was palpable but he still forced a smile; saying it’s normal for him and it shouldn’t take long.

Hugged me before he left and held my hands, he seemed… concerned? He looked at them before looking at me, Six Eyes must have been doing overtime because his grip tightened a little, told me my hands were cold.

That’s new.

January

Shoko messaged me today, she asked if I wanted to grab drinks with her on Friday. I wish I could. I told her I'm gonna have to give it a miss. She said it was okay, but is it? I don't think I'd be able to keep any drink down, I feel so nauseous all the time, but also… I don't want her to see me like this, she'll ask questions, she has a keen eye, and then she'll tell the others.

Between the last time I saw her things have steadily progressed, the fatigue is the most difficult part, but now I feel sick almost constantly, slowly losing my appetite, I know I’ve lost weight but I don’t want to check; it’s silly, but I feel if I check I’ll have to accept that things are getting worse. I know I’m burying my head in the sand, but it’s okay to pretend for a little longer, isn’t it?

The longer I pretend things are okay the less I have to worry about burdening others.

Right?

February

I’m losing days.

I don’t even know what I’m doing half the time, maybe I am actually going out and doing stuff but the memory isn’t there; I put a wash on the other day and forgot about it, had to wash it again and set a reminder. Also… why is it so difficult to do anything? I don’t remember blankets feeling so heavy, but I feel like I’ve lugged them up three flights of stairs.

I’m certain this isn’t normal, but at this point I’m not sure who I could go to. This all started after that fucking curse, no normal hospital or doctor is going to be able to help, the best I can do is get to over the counter pain relief, multivitamins, and hope for the best.

Again, I don’t want to bother Shoko. I guess I could message her… I still have unreads from her.

The horrible irony in Suguru messaging me asking if I was okay.

I’m not okay.

But I can’t tell him that.

March

I messaged Shoko, well… been meaning to message her back for ages, it’s been what? Just over a month since I last messaged her? I feel like a shit friend I just… don’t have the energy to keep up communication, let alone tip her off that something might be wrong. But I don’t think… I don’t think I can keep quiet about this, I just hope Shoko doesn’t tell anyone else.

---

I saw Shoko, told her everything that’s been going on, the memory loss, fatigue, weakness, all really vague shit; she examined me and honestly… that was a mistake.

I’ve never seen her look so crestfallen, she’s seen countless bodies of fellow sorcerers, just one after another, after another; but this? There was a hesitation, before she told me.

That curse? The one that stripped me of everything?

It never left, or rather… it remained hidden, undetectable traces of it remained in my body that not even RCT could repair, and now it’s started to systematically attack – what’s worse is it’s not necessarily the curse causing the damage, something about an immune response, the remnants of my own cursed energy attacking where it thinks the curse has been, causing damage to my own body.

There’s nothing that can be done.

No medication, no RCT, just a slow decline until eventually I die.

We all die at some point.

I just wasn’t expecting my own death to be so soon.

Fuck’s sake.

April

Nanami showed up today, at first, I thought Shoko had told him something, but no, he was genuinely in the area and stopped by. I was nervous about him seeing me, my appetite has decreased more and some days it’s a struggle not to throw food back up. He asked if I was okay, told him I was recovering from flu and that he should keep his distance unless he wants my germs.

I’m… not certain he believed me, but he didn’t ask any more questions.

I found a tin of biscuits that were unopened, so we shared them over some tea. It was nice to hear from him, very much business as usual from him; he’s been taking one of the first years out on missions, he talks about this kid very fondly; if not entirely exasperated by said kid’s insistence on doing things by himself. He went on a minor rant about Satoru, calling him irresponsible, a nuisance, everything that’s been said before. It’s nice to know somethings don’t change.

It was lovely seeing him.

Just a shame when he left, I threw everything back up. Now all I can taste is acrid bile and sweet chocolate.

---

Nanami must have said something, Suguru messaged me asking if I was well, I reassured him things were fine, viral infection, busy schedule, the usual.

Satoru didn’t message, I don’t think he was around when Nanami spoke to Suguru, I’m not surprised.

Maybe this is rash… but I’ve decided I’m going to move. There’s nothing left more me here, not really. Better now than when I’m unable to. There’s a coastal town about an hour from Tokyo, might be nice there. I’ve found some homes for sale, small, but I don’t need anything too big, anything is better than this apartment.

I need a new start, even if this start is the signalling of the end, I want to be at peace, I don't want shadows of what could have been lurking around me, I want to finally live for myself than holding onto the hope of something that'll never happen.

May

I moved.

It’s lovely here, I spent time at ryokan, tried some local sweets, and finally got to go to the beach, feel the sand under my feet, the cold sea lap at my ankles.

For a moment I forgot about Tokyo, felt like I could finally breathe; despite the current war in my body, I felt alive.

My home is nice too, small but cosy, everything I could need is reachable, I don't need to walk far to get to the kitchen, the tatami room serves as my bedroom and as a living room.

I could have my bedroom upstairs, but one day I may not be able to get up the stairs… so I think I'll make do, I like it like this.

I’m in two minds whether I should message Shoko that I moved… because if I message Shoko, I should message Suguru, and by extension Satoru, but if I don’t message her, I feel like I’m once again being a shit friend.

I don’t know what to do.

This was kind of impulsive after all.

June

The weather is getting warmer, but it's not as stifling as Tokyo. I'm glad, I don't think I would have managed the humidity in the city, AC can only do so much and with how my temperature now fluctuates it would have been torture.

I've not heard from anyone, I don't think I have. I've not really been looking at my messages lately.

I did meet someone today, Saya, I was visiting an art gallery that was showcasing local artists, she was one of the artists with her work on display! I found myself looking at her art for a while, I’m not sure what it was about her work; maybe the simplicity? Maybe the odd feeling of serenity? A triptych watercolour of botanicals, hydrangea, camellia, and clematis.

I bought a print of each, I think they’ll look nice at home. One thing led to another and we’re grabbing coffee on Thursday. I’m not going to hold my breath on this being a friendship, but the socialisation is nice.

---

Coffee was lovely, she showed me some local attractions, we talked about her grandma and how she was the one who first introduced her to watercolour, said her grandma had her own little studio at home. It’s been years since I last tried my hand at painting, Saya offered to reintroduce me to it, I think… I think that’ll be nice.

I told her I have a lot of health issues going on at the moment, didn’t detail them, she didn’t pry, but she seemed to understand, said we’ll go at my pace. I… I wasn't expecting someone to be so caring, so…. Considerate, we barely know each other and yet… this feels, nice. To be seen.

July

Things are progressing, I can feel it. My hands feel numb, my vision blurrier than I’m used to, I got out of bed today and almost collapsed. My lungs feel like they’re burning, I can’t catch my breath; why is it so hard to breathe?

I wasn’t expecting to cry, but I guess the reality of it all is finally starting to hit. I phoned Saya crying, she came over and helped me; even though the initial flare of whatever the fuck that was had passed, I still felt unsteady.

I’m scared.

---

I went to hospital on Shoko’s orders, I got prodded and poked, bloods taken, IV fluids up, scans done. Something about low iron and needing a transfusion, potassium too high; concern about kidney injury as some of those results were off.

I was kept in for a few days until things stabilised, given medication to take home, have a checkup in a month.

I wouldn’t say I feel better as such, but at least I don’t have difficulty breathing now.

Saya picked me up at the hospital and took me home, she stayed with me most of the night making sure I was okay; she’s too kind.

August

I'm not sure how, but Suguru found me.

I never posted anywhere, I've not been on social media, I've not messaged any of them except for Shoko for months, so how…

Turns out he heard from Nanami that my apartment was empty, he grilled Shoko who also had no idea where I was, phone promptly blew up over that.

Maybe his curses sniffed me out like a bloodhound, kinda funny when you think about it.

I'm not sure if he was angry… maybe he was initially, but then he saw me, I guess I look very different from before, cheeks sallow, bony prominents that never existed before, thinning hair. He saw the medications, the walking aids, he asked what was going on.

I couldn’t keep it a secret any longer.

I told him everything.

From what happened that day, the progression, the isolation, the worry, how I didn't want to burden any of them. I asked him not to get angry at Shoko, she was protecting my confidentiality; he seemed to agree on that.

I foolishly asked about Satoru, Suguru's expression changed, that was a mistake. He said how the man has been going nonstop for months, barely sees him, then he drops in like nothing has happened.

Suguru asked when I last spoke to Satoru, I told him I last messaged him on his birthday but that I last saw him at the end of December, haven’t spoken since. I guess he didn't like that answer because his expression hardened further.

He called Satoru a fucking idiot.

… I agree.

Before he left, he awkwardly asked how long I… y’know… when I told him I have no idea, only that things are getting worse he just nodded, said he’d be in the area.

I think this is his way of making up for lost time.

---

Hanging out with Suguru is strange, he's always been softly spoken, so gentle but also so firm. There's a vulnerability in him I've never seen before. I hate that he looks at me and I can see the regret and guilt in his eyes.

I ask about Shoko, Nanami, and Satoru (begrudgingly), he tells me they're doing well, well… as well as you can be being a sorcerer. He described Satoru like a star, burning brightly for everyone to see but at such an intensity he’ll fizzle out; says he barely gets any downtime, might’ve had one day off in the past month.

Shoko is run ragged, not sure if she’s getting enough sleep, and smoking enough cigarettes to single handedly keep seven stars in business.

Nanami still remains strict with his time, exasperated by everything, annoyed at the state of things, but he gets the job done.

Suguru didn’t really mention anything about himself, even when I asked, he only gave a tight smile and said he’s fine. I don’t believe him, I tried pressing him a little further but he shook his head.

We went for a walk, I needed to sit down often, he didn't seem to mind. We got to watch the sunset over the sea, I love watching the oranges and pinks dance across the ripples as the sun dips below the horizon, as the sky transitions to night and the stars come out to play.

I wasn't expecting it, but he held my hand. Maybe I felt a tremble in his, but the touch… it was nice, really nice.

---

I took Suguru to the gallery where I met Saya, her work is still on display and I thought he might like it. He got to meet Saya, thanked her for being my friend and for supporting me. She seemed surprised but told him it's nothing, she's glad to be there for me.

Energy waned a lot today, had to spend a lot of time sitting down or leaning against a wall, I left my walking aid at home like an idiot, thought I’d be fine without it.

Suguru took me home, made some food whilst I napped; even if I don’t feel hungry, he said it’s there for when I do.

Why is he being so nice? Why? Why now? I made my peace and now… now I don’t…

I don’t want to go.

---

Suguru stayed the night, didn’t feel comfortable leaving me on my own, he used the spare futon for when Saya stays.

It was almost like a sleepover, futons together, chatting in the dark until we fell asleep.

I've missed this

---

We kissed.

I… I don't know how it happened, not really. But it was nice, more than nice. He's ever so gentle.

The regret I saw in his eyes before makes more sense now, I can't help but feel bad. This entire time I was hoping Satoru would notice, all the while Suguru was watching me pine after a man who is so brilliant but has the world on his shoulders.

Is it wrong to love both of them?

I feel guilty, I don't want to string Suguru along only to go and die, that'd be awful for him. We did talk… he's far too kind, said any time spent together is better than none; even if that time will be short.

So maybe I cried into his shirt and got it damp and snotty… hardly the sexiest moment of my life but here we are.

September

Suguru had to briefly go back to Tokyo, he asked if I want him to mention anything to Satoru… I told him I’m not sure, if he feels it appropriate then maybe? It’s not a decision I should leave to Suguru, but I just don’t… I don’t know what Satoru’s reaction will be, will he want to come here? What will his reaction be if he sees me like this? I hid so much from him, from all of them… the guilt eats me alive but I couldn’t think of what else to do. I don’t think I could bear to face him after so long, to see the hurt and grief reflected back at me like a shattered mirror

Spiriting myself away felt like an easier option.

It's…. getting harder to think.

---

I love you

I hate you

I love you

I hate you

---

Suguru came back, I told him to stop booking a hotel room and to just stay in my house.

Now we’re… co-habiting. He helps me in the mornings and makes food, I brush out his hair and do the dishes, he insists on doing these things for me but I told him I need my independence still, it's one of the few things I have left.

He seemed to understand.

October

Intimacy is… strange. Sometimes I'm too tired for it, other times all I want is to be touched and held, to feel nothing other than where skin meets skin, feel the shared heat between bodies, the intermingling breath.

It can be overwhelming, but I'd be a liar if I said it doesn't feel good.

It is exhausting though… Suguru understands this. I’m lucky.

Shoko and I haven’t messaged as much lately, but she has phoned me a few times; general catch up. It’s nice to hear her voice.

November

Breathing is difficult again.

---

I was admitted, again. Another transfusion, four units of blood this time; apparently my haemoglobin is that low, my kidney function is getting worse and my liver isn’t functioning as it should.

The doctors floated the idea of dialysis to preserve my kidneys, but with my liver not doing what it’s supposed to they’re not sure if it’ll stress my body too much.

We’ll see.

Shoko visited at the very least, it’s nice to have someone fighting my corner, but her expression tells me things aren’t good.

---

Satoru visited, Suguru gave us some space.

I cried.

Satoru looked like he wanted to cry too, I saw how he looked around the hospital room, focussed on every single IV line, the cardiac monitor, how when he looked at me something in him shifted.

He was quieter than usual.

He apologised, held my hand, it felt so warm compared to mine. There was a lot he wanted to say but didn’t, almost like he was too scared to. Too little too late maybe, I don’t know.

I know I hid this from him, and I feel guilty about it.

But I’m glad I got to see him.

Even if it’s the last.